Damn. Day 1 again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Boerne
Posts: 35
Damn. Day 1 again.
Yes, I've done this before. Countless times.
Please don't dredge up my previous threads that say the same thing I'm saying today, as I'm well aware.
As for "What are you going to do differently?", my plan is a renewing of my spiritual walk. I have drifted badly. I think I'm angry. And I know I'm TIRED. My marriage sucks, my brother died a little over a year ago (he was 34), and while I had some success for a while, both spiritually and with sobriety, I think that the grind of my grief coupled with a wife who is purposefully unsupportive dragged me down and I let it beat me.
But, sitting here right now typing this, I'm putting down my sword. I don't have the gas anymore to fight her, nor fight myself. I'm tired of pouring gallons of beer down my throat just so that I can navigate my day.
More to come, but I'm going to start this thread today as a bit of accountability. I'm not an AA guy, but I'll try to check in here daily and be honest. Anybody that would like to follow along is appreciated.
Please don't dredge up my previous threads that say the same thing I'm saying today, as I'm well aware.
As for "What are you going to do differently?", my plan is a renewing of my spiritual walk. I have drifted badly. I think I'm angry. And I know I'm TIRED. My marriage sucks, my brother died a little over a year ago (he was 34), and while I had some success for a while, both spiritually and with sobriety, I think that the grind of my grief coupled with a wife who is purposefully unsupportive dragged me down and I let it beat me.
But, sitting here right now typing this, I'm putting down my sword. I don't have the gas anymore to fight her, nor fight myself. I'm tired of pouring gallons of beer down my throat just so that I can navigate my day.
More to come, but I'm going to start this thread today as a bit of accountability. I'm not an AA guy, but I'll try to check in here daily and be honest. Anybody that would like to follow along is appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 1,372
I'm glad you're here ttugrad. I was stuck in a cycle of relapses for quite awhile myself, I know that feeling of just being tired. I'm now 14 months sober. Life's not always easy (I'm really sorry about your brother and the marriage difficulties), but drinking just adds to life's difficulties. Have faith and don't give up. You can beat this.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by ttugrad1793 
More to come, but I'm going to start this thread today as a bit of accountability. I'm not an AA guy, but I'll try to check in here daily and be honest.
Joining the class of December is also a way to gather support, encouragement, and accountability.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-2014-a.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Hey, welcome back! I have been through so many day 1s it's impossible to count them. The important thing is that you try. And maybe the idea of putting down your sword, as you put it, is just the right attitude. Acceptance may be the answer.
That is what I am working on for myself - and I am only on (another) day 4 - acceptance. Acceptance that I am an alcoholic, and that I cannot drink like most other people. Acceptance that I will have difficult things arise, but that I can deal with them without resorting to alcohol. in a word, I surrender.
Thank you for your post. It helps so many other people who've had numerous false starts to know that they aren't alone.
No shaming for you here, just welcoming arms and support!
That is what I am working on for myself - and I am only on (another) day 4 - acceptance. Acceptance that I am an alcoholic, and that I cannot drink like most other people. Acceptance that I will have difficult things arise, but that I can deal with them without resorting to alcohol. in a word, I surrender.
Thank you for your post. It helps so many other people who've had numerous false starts to know that they aren't alone.
No shaming for you here, just welcoming arms and support!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 16
I am struggling too. It is day one for me. Day 1,000,000 in my mind.
I know I need to do this; stop drinking but I am scared.
This is such a huge (pathetic) part of my identity .
But I want to get better. I don't want to drink anymore. I want to live my life without the constant calling of alcohol and without daily hangovers.
Thanks for the posts. They help me get my head around what I need to do.
I know I need to do this; stop drinking but I am scared.
This is such a huge (pathetic) part of my identity .
But I want to get better. I don't want to drink anymore. I want to live my life without the constant calling of alcohol and without daily hangovers.
Thanks for the posts. They help me get my head around what I need to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Boerne
Posts: 35
Yes, the sword has to be put down.
From my job, to my brother's battle and ultimate death, to my wife's father's cancer diagnosis, to our ongoing crappy marriage, I'm just fighting everything all day every day.
I can't keep it up anymore. I just don't have any fight left in me. I'll buck up and stop drinking, and then the weight of it all will become too much and I'll say, "Just tonight". 3 weeks later, I'm still drinking and can't seem to stop the cycle.
Today, it stops. My sword is coming down, and I simply have no other choice but to walk through these things. There will never be an end to the drama that might invade my life, but I must find a new way to address it.
From my job, to my brother's battle and ultimate death, to my wife's father's cancer diagnosis, to our ongoing crappy marriage, I'm just fighting everything all day every day.
I can't keep it up anymore. I just don't have any fight left in me. I'll buck up and stop drinking, and then the weight of it all will become too much and I'll say, "Just tonight". 3 weeks later, I'm still drinking and can't seem to stop the cycle.
Today, it stops. My sword is coming down, and I simply have no other choice but to walk through these things. There will never be an end to the drama that might invade my life, but I must find a new way to address it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by ttugrad1793
Today, it stops. My sword is coming down, and I simply have no other choice but to walk through these things. There will never be an end to the drama that might invade my life, but I must find a new way to address it.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Glad yet he, but I will drudge up your past threads/ posts in hopes it might help.
You've done it your way
You've done it on your own
Yer not an AA guy
Doing this your way and on your own hasn't worked for crap. If you still want to do it your way I wish you the best of luck.
I wasn't an AA guy either until I was an AA or suicide choice guy.
Seems strange to read someone who says they are very very Christian not interested in AA.
Why do yo say your not an AA guy?
You've done it your way
You've done it on your own
Yer not an AA guy
Doing this your way and on your own hasn't worked for crap. If you still want to do it your way I wish you the best of luck.
I wasn't an AA guy either until I was an AA or suicide choice guy.
Seems strange to read someone who says they are very very Christian not interested in AA.
Why do yo say your not an AA guy?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
I think that the best thing I can tell you is that you must believe it will get easier and better because it will. The important thing is to not drink. One minute at a time if necessary, just don't open that beer, don't cruise the cooler, skip that aisle at the store, and tell all your drinking buddies that you quit. Then one day you'll realize that you don't want to drink anymore and it's been a long time since you even thought about it, I promise. Keep coming back to SR, it really helps.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
tgrad, I know exactly what you mean. Its just exhausting trying to keep all those balls in the air and trying to make coherent sense of it all under an alcoholic fog.
Putting down the sword is a great way to phrase it. I am doing the same. Stopping arguing, chilling out and just avoiding the drama and the roller coasters. I think you would benefit to write a recovery plan in detail and really think about what you are going to do to make sure its different this time.
Putting down the sword is a great way to phrase it. I am doing the same. Stopping arguing, chilling out and just avoiding the drama and the roller coasters. I think you would benefit to write a recovery plan in detail and really think about what you are going to do to make sure its different this time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I had a huge problem when I first had the idea I drank too much, I refused to accept that I am an alcoholic. After about 2 years of miserable drinking and going to meetings I got to a point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I’m not religious or was but it was suggested by the old timers to ask for help so finely I asked “God please help me stop drinking.” I immediately felt what seemed like a large weight lifted from my shoulders and gratefully haven’t had a drink since, many years later.
At that point I realized I could NOT drink one day at a time in a row. I also saw how important it is to be honest with myself about my drinking as it was so easy to forget so many days I proved I could not drink in safety and thought it will be different today if……………………………………
Getting and staying sober is work however the rewards are great!
For one it’s great to feel good in my own skin. That feeling was lost for too many years of drinking.
BE WELL
I had a huge problem when I first had the idea I drank too much, I refused to accept that I am an alcoholic. After about 2 years of miserable drinking and going to meetings I got to a point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I’m not religious or was but it was suggested by the old timers to ask for help so finely I asked “God please help me stop drinking.” I immediately felt what seemed like a large weight lifted from my shoulders and gratefully haven’t had a drink since, many years later.
At that point I realized I could NOT drink one day at a time in a row. I also saw how important it is to be honest with myself about my drinking as it was so easy to forget so many days I proved I could not drink in safety and thought it will be different today if……………………………………
Getting and staying sober is work however the rewards are great!
For one it’s great to feel good in my own skin. That feeling was lost for too many years of drinking.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by ttugrad1793
I'm tired of pouring gallons of beer down my throat just so that I can navigate my day.
and fighting the good sober fight
MM
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