O Honestly, Now
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
O Honestly, Now
Faced with irrefutable evidence that the guy was a skunk, I broke up with my "fiance" in January of this year and the balance of 2014 has been pretty much a rollercoaster ride through the muck. For a time there, I lost every shred of confidence that I had as a person or as an employee. Not much news in that on the "person" end, but I've always been an outstanding employee. So I drank. A lot. Spent several months in a haze of tears and booze, holed up in my room, showering only enough to get by with being somewhat presentable at work, sleeping poorly. And drinking. A lot.
After several months of this misery, decided to try counseling again. I'd only given it a cursory shot in the past and recognizing that I was in a depression I promised myself I'd never be again without seeking help, I found a psycholgist. Actually went and kept going and he helped me to see a number of things differently. I climbed partway out of the ditch and found myself hanging on a ledge. For months. Tried to talk myself out of going because I was doing better, well enough, maybe good enough for now.
Honestly, I was avoiding dealing with the one big issue I need to get out of the way to give myself a chance - the drinking. Oh, we talked about it. I cut back. But then I'd let myself go again. Cut back. Rinse, repeat.
In early November, upon prompting, I said I'd like to be sober for Thanksgiving and he suggested a plan. Asked me if I would be willing to cut back to a half pint starting that very day and taper from there, since I'd done this previoiusly with success. I said yes. Honestly, I had no intention of cutting back and the very suggestion made me want to increase. And so I did, that very night. I actually did refrain from drinking Thanksgiving. Day. After the kids were gone, the "moderate" half pint came out.
He'd recently asked how much I was drinking each night. I said it was about six drinks. True. But I didn't tell him about finishing the remainder of the pint in the morning. He didn't ask and I didn't volunteer and I know that was stupid - undermining my own progress.
We had our first appointment in eleven days Friday morning. I finished the pint, brushed my teeth, sprayed my stinky spray on, ate a mint. And within minutes of starting to talk, he asked if I'd been drinking that morning. Said he could smell the booze from where he sat across from me. Although I am certain I was not driving-impaired, he wanted me to stay in the office for an hour after our session just to be sure and I had absolutely no objection. Even the slightest risk that I might have endangered anyone else by my driving was enough to humble me flat.
Honestly, I think I outed myself. In a previous session I had admitted to waiting for something external to happen and he suggested that maybe I could "create" that external event. I think that's just what I did.
I came home, had my daughter pour out the balance of the bottle and was surprised that she was very matter-of-fact about it. No drama, no recriminations, no silent treatment. She was only concerned about my well-being and has been checking in on me over the course of the weekend. Wow, what a gift that kid is.
Surprisingly, I haven't been hit by utter humiliation, as I would have expected if you told me this story in advance. I am relieved, because that incident was enough to get me to 54 hours without a drink. It's crazy that this is a record for the year, but I think it is.
Honestly, it's about time.
After several months of this misery, decided to try counseling again. I'd only given it a cursory shot in the past and recognizing that I was in a depression I promised myself I'd never be again without seeking help, I found a psycholgist. Actually went and kept going and he helped me to see a number of things differently. I climbed partway out of the ditch and found myself hanging on a ledge. For months. Tried to talk myself out of going because I was doing better, well enough, maybe good enough for now.
Honestly, I was avoiding dealing with the one big issue I need to get out of the way to give myself a chance - the drinking. Oh, we talked about it. I cut back. But then I'd let myself go again. Cut back. Rinse, repeat.
In early November, upon prompting, I said I'd like to be sober for Thanksgiving and he suggested a plan. Asked me if I would be willing to cut back to a half pint starting that very day and taper from there, since I'd done this previoiusly with success. I said yes. Honestly, I had no intention of cutting back and the very suggestion made me want to increase. And so I did, that very night. I actually did refrain from drinking Thanksgiving. Day. After the kids were gone, the "moderate" half pint came out.
He'd recently asked how much I was drinking each night. I said it was about six drinks. True. But I didn't tell him about finishing the remainder of the pint in the morning. He didn't ask and I didn't volunteer and I know that was stupid - undermining my own progress.
We had our first appointment in eleven days Friday morning. I finished the pint, brushed my teeth, sprayed my stinky spray on, ate a mint. And within minutes of starting to talk, he asked if I'd been drinking that morning. Said he could smell the booze from where he sat across from me. Although I am certain I was not driving-impaired, he wanted me to stay in the office for an hour after our session just to be sure and I had absolutely no objection. Even the slightest risk that I might have endangered anyone else by my driving was enough to humble me flat.
Honestly, I think I outed myself. In a previous session I had admitted to waiting for something external to happen and he suggested that maybe I could "create" that external event. I think that's just what I did.
I came home, had my daughter pour out the balance of the bottle and was surprised that she was very matter-of-fact about it. No drama, no recriminations, no silent treatment. She was only concerned about my well-being and has been checking in on me over the course of the weekend. Wow, what a gift that kid is.
Surprisingly, I haven't been hit by utter humiliation, as I would have expected if you told me this story in advance. I am relieved, because that incident was enough to get me to 54 hours without a drink. It's crazy that this is a record for the year, but I think it is.
Honestly, it's about time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
yay! 54 hours is a very good start. I know I am pretty stubborn, and would make all kinds of excuses to myself to keep drinking.
That Full Stop is the thing, though. Go forward in health! Well done.
*edit to say 55.5, now
That Full Stop is the thing, though. Go forward in health! Well done.
*edit to say 55.5, now
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks very much to both of you.
The plan is to not drink.
When I spoke with my daughter Friday, I told her I was not going anywhere, so would need her to help with driving people places and running to the store for whatever my heart desired, which wasn't actually much of anything. Just telling her that I should not go out because I didn't need to risk going to the liquor store on a whim was motivation enough. She actually got me a new tablet for Christmas and gave it to me early, figuring I could use something to occupy myself.
I spent many hours searching the web looking for resources and information. Read most of the Big Book, watched a number of youtube videos, including a couple of very interesting talks addressing the concept of alcoholism as a disease (and why it is or isn't), and started looking into LifeRing.
Short term plan:
1. Don't drink
2. Find more lectures/talks
3. Re-read Rational Recovery. Funny thing about that: the book had been at the bottom of my sock drawer for probably a year. I went to look for it and it wasn't there! Immediate thought was "that little beastie av went and hid it somewhere." Indeed - it had been moved to the bottom of a shirt drawer. What a hateful thing to do. Clearly, It knew I was making a plan, even if I didn't.
4. Oh and, ask for help - specifically. That's a hard one.
*56.5
The plan is to not drink.
When I spoke with my daughter Friday, I told her I was not going anywhere, so would need her to help with driving people places and running to the store for whatever my heart desired, which wasn't actually much of anything. Just telling her that I should not go out because I didn't need to risk going to the liquor store on a whim was motivation enough. She actually got me a new tablet for Christmas and gave it to me early, figuring I could use something to occupy myself.
I spent many hours searching the web looking for resources and information. Read most of the Big Book, watched a number of youtube videos, including a couple of very interesting talks addressing the concept of alcoholism as a disease (and why it is or isn't), and started looking into LifeRing.
Short term plan:
1. Don't drink
2. Find more lectures/talks
3. Re-read Rational Recovery. Funny thing about that: the book had been at the bottom of my sock drawer for probably a year. I went to look for it and it wasn't there! Immediate thought was "that little beastie av went and hid it somewhere." Indeed - it had been moved to the bottom of a shirt drawer. What a hateful thing to do. Clearly, It knew I was making a plan, even if I didn't.
4. Oh and, ask for help - specifically. That's a hard one.
*56.5
Last edited by Obladi; 12-14-2014 at 05:25 PM. Reason: edit for hours
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Welcome back, Obladi. Congratulations on your decision to quit, dumping out your bottle, and making you plan about your way forward. It was relief for me too to realize I didn't have to drink anymore. I had seen it as a neccessity over food, or health or any other responsibility to myself or others, but when I made that decision to do this thing sober, i felt this incredible sense of relief, that I just didn't have to do this anymore. I could quit and have all the things that alcohol was stealing from me.
You know there is support for you here, Obladi. You have opened the door - now step through. Onward!
You know there is support for you here, Obladi. You have opened the door - now step through. Onward!
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Appreciate it, Dee. It's good to "see" you straight on rather than through the lurkin curtain.
You know what, dwtb? Choosing for life to go on is pretty huge.
Thanks, Fresh! You know I "got" it quite some time ago, intellectually. And if thinking my way out of this was the answer, this chapter would have closed long before now. At some point "I" had to get involved in the conversation - the real me that gives shred about what happens to me. Onward, ho.
You know what, dwtb? Choosing for life to go on is pretty huge.
Thanks, Fresh! You know I "got" it quite some time ago, intellectually. And if thinking my way out of this was the answer, this chapter would have closed long before now. At some point "I" had to get involved in the conversation - the real me that gives shred about what happens to me. Onward, ho.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
Yay! What great news. It sounds like sobriety kind of snuck up on you and now you have some momentum to get you going. That is what it felt like for me three years ago. I like your plan. Keep it up!
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks, dsmaxis - I actually stumbled across some of those xa speakers. TED talks, symposium lectures, read some journal articles. It's amazing the places one can go in 2014 from the comfort of one's own bed/couch.
Well my addled brain is counting wrong or I'm splitting hairs. 80 hours means I'm into my 4th day. Weird, cool, great.
Lots of thoughts tossing around, like
- I'm good at being shattered then putting the pieces together to move along. Only I'm not really so very good at that, because putting them back together in the Very Same Way is not Very Smart.
- The way I was with drinking over the past few years is disturbingly reminiscent of the way I secreted my own stash of chocolate into the house and ate it in isolation as a teenager.
- I don't really understand why this is no struggle right now, but I'll take it. Sometimes a fish is just a fish.
Seems like seeing as I am not suffering/yearning/urging in any way toward alcohol, the best course of action is to build up my defenses in case of attack. Which I see by reading back are points 2 and 3 of the plan.
Breaking the glass to start posting again was a fine idea, too. Thanks to everyone in the community for being here - it's a comfort for sure.
Well my addled brain is counting wrong or I'm splitting hairs. 80 hours means I'm into my 4th day. Weird, cool, great.
Lots of thoughts tossing around, like
- I'm good at being shattered then putting the pieces together to move along. Only I'm not really so very good at that, because putting them back together in the Very Same Way is not Very Smart.
- The way I was with drinking over the past few years is disturbingly reminiscent of the way I secreted my own stash of chocolate into the house and ate it in isolation as a teenager.
- I don't really understand why this is no struggle right now, but I'll take it. Sometimes a fish is just a fish.
Seems like seeing as I am not suffering/yearning/urging in any way toward alcohol, the best course of action is to build up my defenses in case of attack. Which I see by reading back are points 2 and 3 of the plan.
Breaking the glass to start posting again was a fine idea, too. Thanks to everyone in the community for being here - it's a comfort for sure.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
It's a better place now with you here, Obladi. There is so much good in what you have already achieved. Congratulate yourself, because this is a big deal. There are so many of us sitting on the fence, or worse, just looking at it standing up to our neck in manure wondering how the heck do we get to the other side?
You have shown it being done once again, and you are showing it being done in your own particular way. Well done.
You have shown it being done once again, and you are showing it being done in your own particular way. Well done.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
It's really the oddest (but most wonderful) thing.
This afternoon, I was strolling outside and thought, "Just a week ago I would have been making my plan for how to get to the liquor store (which store would it be today) and get my supply into the house undetected. Just like Every Single Other Day." Today none of that.
This IS a big deal, FS, but I'm not quite ready to congratulate myself. I'm in grateful mode. Wish somehow I could spread this good juju all around. All I can do right now is celebrate this event in my little corner of the world and cross my fingers that maybe it gives someone else a glimmer of hope.
This afternoon, I was strolling outside and thought, "Just a week ago I would have been making my plan for how to get to the liquor store (which store would it be today) and get my supply into the house undetected. Just like Every Single Other Day." Today none of that.
This IS a big deal, FS, but I'm not quite ready to congratulate myself. I'm in grateful mode. Wish somehow I could spread this good juju all around. All I can do right now is celebrate this event in my little corner of the world and cross my fingers that maybe it gives someone else a glimmer of hope.
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