maia1234

I am looking for ideas from A's regarding the Christmas Holidays....

I just divorced my A after 34 years together. I love my husband very much but could no longer live with his partying. My heart breaks that we are not still together as he was my best friend. But I had to get out of the craziness that he has put me through the last couple of years.

So my dilemma is what to do for the holidays. I know that we are suppose to detach and let him fall. I was thinking of inviting him over for Christmas eve and have him spend the night. But, I want to tell him I will have no alcohol here and don't want him to come to my house drunk. Should i invite him, or let him have the repercussions of being alone. He will be spending Christmas afternoon with the kids at his families house.

I want to be nice and not have him alone, but not sure if he will keep alcohol out in his car and drink while I dont see it. Maybe since we are not married anymore that I have no say in anything. Please help me do the right thing. My ultimate goal would be to get back with my X, but only if he is sober and working a program. HELP, as it is getting close and I feel that something should be discussed as this is our first holiday divorced

biminiblue

34 years married, I would bet you don't have small kids in the house.

So, your motivation is that you feel bad for him being alone? Aren't you alone, too? Didn't he cause the divorce? I think it would be too confusing for me to have my ex spend the night. It's an intimacy issue. I need clear boundaries; but then, I was almost certain I didn't want to rekindle the relationship. If you are doing it in the hopes it will lead to more...I got nothing.

Notimetoloose

34 years together, I understand that you love him and understand that the chaos had to stop...I applaud you for putting a stop to it...separating after 34 years takes time, it will take time to detach...

Biminiblue mentioned boundaries, I tend to agree...having him sleep over in any context
sends mixed messages. If he is hiding alcohol, you will not know.

He is the only one that can get and stay sober...Xmas, his love for you, nothing can stop him drinking, only him....sure, they can inspire the reflection and desire to change. Only he can change.....
Personally, I would keep my boundaries tight and not have a sleepover...

IDK, if he came over on Xmas eve for a couple of hours might be nice but no more and only on the proviso that he be sober (Be prepared for disappointment) No alcohol in the house. That respect is needed for the relationship to have any future.

You have been through so much, Xmas can be a heartbreaking time and stir up all sorts of emotions and hard to get through....Look after yourself and make this your Xmas.

Soberwolf

Hello because your not sure and he is drinking i advise against it but if you think you can manage it and it wont affect your sobriety then go for it

heres a link for surviving christmas http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...trategies.html

Good luck my friend

Newpathway

In the bigger picture it's one day of the year and you can have a quiet Christmas and let things settle into place. He's a grown man who will survive this day. It's not the end of the world to be alone for one Christmas if it's an investment in a more settled situation that is clear about separate lives. I wouldn't worry about being nice or seeing to it that he isn't alone. It's not your job anymore.

OklaBH

Spend the night? No. If your kids are coming over for christmas eve dinner or christmas day brunch etc...invite him to that (maybe) I dont know the details so Im not sure. His first Christmas alone he will be drunk some where. Question is...do you want it around you and your holiday?