FeliciaM

My XA cut all communication with me the weekend he passed out and fell into a door slicing a 4 inch long gash revealing his scull from eyebrow into hairline. Two days prior to his fall, he was discharged from 5 day stay in hospital for severe pancreatitis.

He cut me out of his life 30 days ago and is now in prison for his 4th DUI. I don't understand what sparked his binge in October and have no idea what happened upon his arrest.

Thank God no one was killed in the crash.

Why do alcoholics cut off people they love? I know he loves me. WTF is going through his head!!???

FeliciaM

I do not want to contact him. He needs to deal with his alcoholism. I know I'd be a distraction. I am handing him over to God and I'm working Al anon.

He is suffering on a level I will never know. Why is he doing no contact with me??

gracetuesday

Felicia, i am so sorry for your pain.... it is likely to me that he doesn't even realize what he has done - bashing his head....

Not sure what else you can do but take care of yourself.

MelindaFlowers

So we can continue drinking without an audience or guilt or anyone telling us to stop. I wanted my family not to care at the end. They were worried and it made me angry. I never cut them off but I thought about not visiting anymore because I couldn't drink at their house. It is such a relief to be able to visit now and I'll have to even worry about sneaking or drinking. And not to mention not having a hangover the next day at breakfast.

MelindaFlowers

Meant NOT sneaking of course. No more sneaking! No more drinking!

ubntubnt

Hi Felicia, I can't speak for anyone else, just myself. My drinking was a primary, but not the only cause of my first marriage breakdown. I dearly love my second wife but for the past 2 years I have been both 1) really caring and sweet and loving at home and 2) going off the radar repeatedly when I drink. Its like I love her but love drink more....as soon as I start to drink.

I know to someone not in the same position it may seen crazy but the way I see it when I drink its like I am under some weird mind altering drug where the things that matter (e.g.. the love towards my wife or my children) don't seem important anymore. Instead I am living in this world where all I want to do is drink, hang out and have fun...and drink more.....and keep drinking until I pass out. I would never equate the love for my wife to my love of alcohol because for me they are totally different things.....one is a real world love and the other is a sick, twisted reality that I slip into when I drink....and I know its wrong and I hate it. But that is in the past now. I hope that this convoluted explanation helps in some way,

Music

Two points to consider. 1)Unless you're an alcoholic, there's no way you can "understand" what sparked the binge. I, or someone else, could spend all day explaining it to you with no result. You have to be one to understand one. 2)Anyone who's addicted to any drug, only cares about himself and the drug. The addict may say he loves you, may act like he loves you, but the bottom line is his greatest love is the drug he's addicted to. My wife and I have been married 52 years next month and I truly believe the only reason we're still together is because we're both alcoholics and love each other. The love was always there but until the alcohol was out of the picture, the love took a back seat.

Don't beat yourself up. The best thing you can do is cut him lose and take care of yourself, whatever that means. Get some help to get through what you're experiencing. If you don't, you'll be stuck right where you are.

aasharon90

Before, during and after alcohol I wanted
and needed understanding and communication
from family or loved ones and simply didn't
happen and never got it from them.

It was like living on 2 different planets
with them. Them with no addiction and
me in recovery. We just didn't blend or
mesh together as a family unit should be.

Unless all members used some sort of
recovery program suited for them then
there would be no understanding and
communication would be a struggle.

For me, I chose the healthy road in
recovery and moved on with help and
guidance from my HP and a strong recovery
program I built each day to live my life
upon.

Addiction affects all involved and unless
each seeks knowledge and help then the
family unit will struggle and fall apart.

It's sad that this happens, but help is
ALWAYS available for the taken so no
one is left sitting in their misery and illness.

As always this is my thoughts.

buyingisbad

He is trying to keep you away from seeing him drunk and all the stupid things he does.

I cut off a women I love too because I knew she hated to witness me drunk so I stopped talking to her.

I believe its a way to try to prevent a break-up so the drunk hides himself best he can.

Nonsensical

+1

hopeful4

Yup, at this point, he is hurt, ill, and in jail. There is no denying what he is doing is wrong, and he does not want anyone to get in between he and his addiction.

Soberwolf

Im so sorry Felecia i cut ppl off because i was choosing drink over others

buyingisbad

Thats because he can't quit for her he has to quit for himself, he is not ready to do so,

LBrain

what is an 'XA'?

FeliciaM

These replies are very helpful and will help me grieve the loss our relationship.

He was very clear with me. He stated "I am an alcoholic, I will die alone" , "I choose the bottle over you!" , "Don't waste your time on me.".

He also said his "recovery" is none of my business, that was before the breakup last month. I totally agree and is why I will NOT reach out to him. I respect that boundary.

His last words to me were. "It's not you, it's me."

Godspeed to all of you.

Wastinglife

Alcoholics can have their brain 'hijacked' by the drug. It takes over and possesses us. For a long time, I loved nothing more than to be alone to drink locked away from the world. Even despite all the consequences my drinking had brought in life, I still have a voice in my head telling me 'a beer would be nice'.

Addiction is not a flaw in character or lack of willpower. It is a disease of the mind. I suppose you can say it is in 'remission' when the addict is sober, but will come roaring back when activated by alcohol or drugs.

Aellyce

Like others said, because we choose to prioritize drinking and being drunk over anything else. And not being caught/criticized for our drinking. I definitely cut friends and family off for years and in the end I was very isolated. I also had this idea that I was ***ed up and no one should be part of my misery, did not want to complain, etc. But in truth, that was just another false perception and selfish effort in support of my undisturbed drinking. There is also lots of shame and guilt that we don't want to face and show to others.

I would suggest not to pursue him too much if he does not want contact, maybe just let him know you are there for him and available if you decide that's good for you at this time. I can't see how any forcing of contact would work with an active addict, however painful the separation.

Nonsensical

I believe in his sad, sick way he was also protecting you from himself. He may be choosing the bottle over you, but you were not forgotten. I am sorry for your loss, and I hope you mend quickly.

zjw

People want to believe there own BS. they want there own actions and BS validated by those around them. Right or wrong this validation / acceptance makes there crummy stuff acceptable to them and well they can go on believing htere own BS. Some might call this enableing.

See some where in his sick mind he's not stupid. I have had those exact same thoughts in my head that he said to you. I new i was a mess and inside my head i was fighting for my sanity. There would be moments or glimpses if you will to others that all was fine with me then the fight would ensue again and id' be gone again back to my battle.

He feels worthless or at least that he does not deserve you. He relizes theres a problem but he has not ofund his way out yet.


Prior to my sobering up I felt i was going insane. I was running out of ears that would listen to my nonsense. (god i shoulda just gone right to AA) but anyhow I was a mess I felt i was loosing my mind and I probably was. Once i sobered up that too was a very SOBERING expierence as well and I had to fight for dear life.

I dunno if most drunks feel there going friggen nuts in the end. But I know I sure felt as such. and I dont really tell anyone that.

Carbonized

+2 Absolutely spot on!