Sensitive subject..long post
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Ojai, CA
Posts: 137
The fact that you say he is acting like it was no big deal and showing no remorse should give you your answer. I think we can all see the writing on the wall here however as you keep bringing up your past actions, instead of his current ones. Your going to take him back....I hope you live through the next beating.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Okla, first I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I understand the mind set you are in. As a young adult I was in a physically abusive relationship. And am now at the tail end of an emotionally abusive marriage.
I'm guessing you may be somewhat like me. There's a very messed up phenomenon that happens when a person is slowly broken down over time by abuse, physical or mental. You slowly begin to accept things that are not ok. Over time you compromise your worth, your value, the love you deserve, without even realizing it happening. In your mind whether you acknowledge it or not, you have justified every wrong doing as being deserved. There is an acceptance of the actions because of you're own self loathing. Could he change? Maybe but Okla the damage has been done. He's taken every bit of your worth. He doesn't really deserve a second chance. But YOU DO!!
Write down the things he's done, really look at it. And ask yourself if it's ok. I know that when people speak disparagingly about your husband you likely get defensive, and want to highlight his good. I really get that. But no matter how lovely in your eyes he is when sober, the man that pulled you by the hair and smashed your face is very much who he is. My sister gave me a pretty interesting analogy upon my defending/rationalizing bad behaviors. She said, "you know Jeffery Dahmer, ate more than people. There were times he had salad, a burger, cake.... But that doesn't mean he DIDNT EAT PEOPLE"
Don't rationalize his actions another minute. Start making a plan.
I'm guessing you may be somewhat like me. There's a very messed up phenomenon that happens when a person is slowly broken down over time by abuse, physical or mental. You slowly begin to accept things that are not ok. Over time you compromise your worth, your value, the love you deserve, without even realizing it happening. In your mind whether you acknowledge it or not, you have justified every wrong doing as being deserved. There is an acceptance of the actions because of you're own self loathing. Could he change? Maybe but Okla the damage has been done. He's taken every bit of your worth. He doesn't really deserve a second chance. But YOU DO!!
Write down the things he's done, really look at it. And ask yourself if it's ok. I know that when people speak disparagingly about your husband you likely get defensive, and want to highlight his good. I really get that. But no matter how lovely in your eyes he is when sober, the man that pulled you by the hair and smashed your face is very much who he is. My sister gave me a pretty interesting analogy upon my defending/rationalizing bad behaviors. She said, "you know Jeffery Dahmer, ate more than people. There were times he had salad, a burger, cake.... But that doesn't mean he DIDNT EAT PEOPLE"
Don't rationalize his actions another minute. Start making a plan.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It sounds like he is an alcoholic. Alcoholics don't just "stop" drinking because someone else tells them they have to. Does he have remorse? Is he ready to do the work it takes for recovery and apply that to his life? Is he doing this just because someone told him he has to? My X husband was on probation, one condition is that he did not drink. Don't think that stopped him for a second. It was always a constant push to see just how much I would put up with. The relief that I am no longer married to him is huge.
You deserve more. He threw the dinner outside and then hurt you physically. Don't minimize that. And don't turn to his family for understanding or help, blood will ALWAYS be thicker than water.
Good luck and God Bless to you. Stay safe.
You deserve more. He threw the dinner outside and then hurt you physically. Don't minimize that. And don't turn to his family for understanding or help, blood will ALWAYS be thicker than water.
Good luck and God Bless to you. Stay safe.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Originally Posted by Low 
The fact that you say he is acting like it was no big deal and showing no remorse should give you your answer. I think we can all see the writing on the wall here however as you keep bringing up your past actions, instead of his current ones. Your going to take him back....I hope you live through the next beating.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
I have a lot to figure out. Will he change? Do people ever reAlly change? I'm putting money back. Will have to sell my house. We have been together since 2002. It will take sometime to get everything sorted and settled.
Huh?
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 474
Get out.
NOW.
I know plenty of men who drank for decades, and never *once* hit or raped a woman.
It seems to be something inside him, and alcohol might bring it out, but that doesn't mean alcohol is *needed* to bring it out.
Whatever his past issues and upbringing may have been like, forget all that. This is obviously a pattern.
No amount of rationalizing is worth giving up your life for.
Life, or death.
Choose life.
Protect yourself and get out of this situation, *now*.
NOW.
I know plenty of men who drank for decades, and never *once* hit or raped a woman.
It seems to be something inside him, and alcohol might bring it out, but that doesn't mean alcohol is *needed* to bring it out.
Whatever his past issues and upbringing may have been like, forget all that. This is obviously a pattern.
No amount of rationalizing is worth giving up your life for.
Life, or death.
Choose life.
Protect yourself and get out of this situation, *now*.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Originally Posted by downtown3
there are plenty of nice guys out there with tons more to offer you and your son than what you are currently getting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Originally Posted by MelindaFlowers
My favorite radio advice host reminds women that we live in a country with lots of freedom. We don't have arranged marriages or anything like that. We have the freedom to choose our mate. What would life look like with an upstanding guy who treated you well?
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
This is tough to hear but...
I am glad that you didn't get seriously hurt... or worse. IMHO, this man is not worthy of your loyalty and you are putting yourself and your child in harm's way by staying with him.
This wasn't the first time and most likely will not be the last. At the very least, pack a bag with some of your clothes and anything else you need and the same for your child and put them in the trunk of your car. At the first sign of ANY chance of violence, leave.... for good.
This wasn't the first time and most likely will not be the last. At the very least, pack a bag with some of your clothes and anything else you need and the same for your child and put them in the trunk of your car. At the first sign of ANY chance of violence, leave.... for good.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Okla,
This is a very serious and dangerous situation you are in. Please call the DV hotline and talk with a counselor. Leaving might be a good idea, but it is critical that you do it safely. Sometimes violence escalates when the victim tries to leave. I know what I am talking about--I have worked in the DV field for many years.
A counselor or advocate can help you figure out how dangerous your situation is (there are ways to assess that), and help you to plan for the best way for you to stay safe while figuring out what you want to do.
The alcohol sometimes aggravates the violence, but it is rarely, if ever, the CAUSE of violent and abusive behavior. Does he physically abuse other people? Strangers in bars? No? That's because it isn't to his advantage to do that. I'd be willing to bet he was pretty calm and reasonable with the police, too. Abusers are very good at that. As for his mom, he has probably manipulated her, as well.
Please take this very, very seriously, because that's the kind of situation it is. It can literally be a matter of life and death.
This is a very serious and dangerous situation you are in. Please call the DV hotline and talk with a counselor. Leaving might be a good idea, but it is critical that you do it safely. Sometimes violence escalates when the victim tries to leave. I know what I am talking about--I have worked in the DV field for many years.
A counselor or advocate can help you figure out how dangerous your situation is (there are ways to assess that), and help you to plan for the best way for you to stay safe while figuring out what you want to do.
The alcohol sometimes aggravates the violence, but it is rarely, if ever, the CAUSE of violent and abusive behavior. Does he physically abuse other people? Strangers in bars? No? That's because it isn't to his advantage to do that. I'd be willing to bet he was pretty calm and reasonable with the police, too. Abusers are very good at that. As for his mom, he has probably manipulated her, as well.
Please take this very, very seriously, because that's the kind of situation it is. It can literally be a matter of life and death.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Okla,
This is a very serious and dangerous situation you are in. Please call the DV hotline and talk with a counselor. Leaving might be a good idea, but it is critical that you do it safely. Sometimes violence escalates when the victim tries to leave. I know what I am talking about--I have worked in the DV field for many years.
A counselor or advocate can help you figure out how dangerous your situation is (there are ways to assess that), and help you to plan for the best way for you to stay safe while figuring out what you want to do.
The alcohol sometimes aggravates the violence, but it is rarely, if ever, the CAUSE of violent and abusive behavior. Does he physically abuse other people? Strangers in bars? No? That's because it isn't to his advantage to do that. I'd be willing to bet he was pretty calm and reasonable with the police, too. Abusers are very good at that. As for his mom, he has probably manipulated her, as well.
Please take this very, very seriously, because that's the kind of situation it is. It can literally be a matter of life and death.
This is a very serious and dangerous situation you are in. Please call the DV hotline and talk with a counselor. Leaving might be a good idea, but it is critical that you do it safely. Sometimes violence escalates when the victim tries to leave. I know what I am talking about--I have worked in the DV field for many years.
A counselor or advocate can help you figure out how dangerous your situation is (there are ways to assess that), and help you to plan for the best way for you to stay safe while figuring out what you want to do.
The alcohol sometimes aggravates the violence, but it is rarely, if ever, the CAUSE of violent and abusive behavior. Does he physically abuse other people? Strangers in bars? No? That's because it isn't to his advantage to do that. I'd be willing to bet he was pretty calm and reasonable with the police, too. Abusers are very good at that. As for his mom, he has probably manipulated her, as well.
Please take this very, very seriously, because that's the kind of situation it is. It can literally be a matter of life and death.
It doesn't get much more serious. I will call the councelor. The police and DA gave me the number and info on victims compensation. Never thought this would happen. And yeah he tried to tell the cops that he was asleep, I startled him and he accidentally hit me. So stupid
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
As more of your story unravels, the more I become convinced you need to move on. The fact that he tried to hide the truth from the cops is enough evidence for me that he is not sorry and will likely never be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Originally Posted by Sudz No More
As more of your story unravels, the more I become convinced you need to move on. The fact that he tried to hide the truth from the cops is enough evidence for me that he is not sorry and will likely never be.
Alexander Supertramp :)
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 148
I loath domestic violence. I feel so bad for you. I am a victim of dv as well. Yes men can be victims. I dont have any great advice for you except be good to yourself. These are tough decisions.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
I would give good thought about staying. Seems like he has a hot temper drunk. Sad to say ur lucky that is all that happened to you. Domestic violence can get far worse than a nasal fracture not to mention after the fact. As car as him not remembering anything, that is what scared me the most about blacking out. Sorry ur mother Inlaw said that sounds like that hurt u a lot. I know it would for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
I'm over it. The judge can deal with him Tuesday. I know he was drunk but I stopped rationalizing it. People truly traat you the way you allow them to. Anyone that thinks they can change someone is delusional.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Originally Posted by robgt350
I would give good thought about staying. Seems like he has a hot temper drunk. Sad to say ur lucky that is all that happened to you. Domestic violence can get far worse than a nasal fracture not to mention after the fact. As car as him not remembering anything, that is what scared me the most about blacking out. Sorry ur mother Inlaw said that sounds like that hurt u a lot. I know it would for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Leave him.
He won't change, I was in a situation like this for 2 years, he broke my tooth ( fixed now, expensive) dragged me down the alley by my hair, ripped hair out, punched me, spit on me on and on and on. I called the police on him 3 times, he went to jail, he went to counselling, it didn't stop. When I did leave he stalked me. Good times.
I have heard he's done the same to past and current girlfriends, it's what they do.
That was 11 years ago, I haven't repeated that situation thankfully. You'll be happy you left.
More than you know, he lost his chance.
And don't waste anymore time thinking about his creepy mother, she's not worth it, let her deal with him from now on, neither are worth your time.
Sorry, I'm mad.
He won't change, I was in a situation like this for 2 years, he broke my tooth ( fixed now, expensive) dragged me down the alley by my hair, ripped hair out, punched me, spit on me on and on and on. I called the police on him 3 times, he went to jail, he went to counselling, it didn't stop. When I did leave he stalked me. Good times.
I have heard he's done the same to past and current girlfriends, it's what they do.
That was 11 years ago, I haven't repeated that situation thankfully. You'll be happy you left.
More than you know, he lost his chance.
And don't waste anymore time thinking about his creepy mother, she's not worth it, let her deal with him from now on, neither are worth your time.
Sorry, I'm mad.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Look, very few people stop drinking long term. The odds are that he will drink again. And he physically abuses you when he is drunk. He may not stop next time he starts hurting you. You are putting your life at risk in this relationship.
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