Sensitive subject..long post
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
You can no longer confide in the mil. She isnt going to change her mind, holidays or not. For whatever is in her pointy little head, you did this.
You have to tell your husband that this stops now, be very firm that it is a big deal, what is going to happen and how you expect respect. He doesn't get to brush it off.
You have to tell your husband that this stops now, be very firm that it is a big deal, what is going to happen and how you expect respect. He doesn't get to brush it off.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Alcohol is no excuse for beating you. NO EXCUSE! This is not the first time, either. Why would you even consider letting him come back? I'm sorry, but you sound more upset with his mother than you do with him. You think your relationship with her is beyond repair, yet you are considering letting someone who has beaten you more than once come back into your home?
Physical violence is NEVER okay. Many people drink copious amounts of alcohol but never beat their wives or husbands or children. This situation is just wrong!
Physical violence is NEVER okay. Many people drink copious amounts of alcohol but never beat their wives or husbands or children. This situation is just wrong!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Step back and look at the facts:
- he's a repeat offender with DV, so he's going to do it again
- he is not showing any willingness for treatment
- he has an explosive temper
- he doesn't appreciate what he's done, and just expects it to go back to normal
- you will be alone in the house with him if you stay
- his mother is enabling, possibly even encouraging him
If you stay, you will be agreeing with your MIL that it's 'not that bad'. I would be initiating separation and divorce myself. Who knows what it's done to your son's perception of how to treat a woman or handle frustration.
- he's a repeat offender with DV, so he's going to do it again
- he is not showing any willingness for treatment
- he has an explosive temper
- he doesn't appreciate what he's done, and just expects it to go back to normal
- you will be alone in the house with him if you stay
- his mother is enabling, possibly even encouraging him
If you stay, you will be agreeing with your MIL that it's 'not that bad'. I would be initiating separation and divorce myself. Who knows what it's done to your son's perception of how to treat a woman or handle frustration.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
I was a drunk husband with a drunk wife for almost twenty years and we did all kinds of things to make each other mad but never ever did I hit her. If I had, no one would have had to tell me to be sorry or quit drinking!! I have friends who are the same. There is never an excuse to hit your spouse!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
I consider it only because he's never agreed to stop drinking and now he's sober. I'm beating myself up.. No pun intended because as you know, I've had a long history of alcohol abuse. He will be court ordered to 1 year counceling. Even with that I know what needs to be done. I really appreciate all of you. Truly I do. I'm going to talk to him today. We will see how it goes
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 28
He can't drink anymore at all. I am surprised you say he is acting non-chalant about it. He must be of the mindset that it was the alcohol's fault and wasn't really him. Which may be true, somewhat, but it is his fault. He chose to drink and knew that after a certain amount, it makes him violent. Hopefully, he is sincere and is going to quit for good. I know that steep kind of thinking.
How many times did I say sorry for my behaviors and that I would stop? Alot. Then, soon after, I would arrogantly start thinking "well, if I drink less, then it won't happen again..." But alcoholics generally can't keep control for very long. The only solution is to not drink at all.
Only you know if he is going to take this seriously. The moment he starts trying to compromise alcohol back in is the moment you need to tell him that it is either the marriage or drinking.
How many times did I say sorry for my behaviors and that I would stop? Alot. Then, soon after, I would arrogantly start thinking "well, if I drink less, then it won't happen again..." But alcoholics generally can't keep control for very long. The only solution is to not drink at all.
Only you know if he is going to take this seriously. The moment he starts trying to compromise alcohol back in is the moment you need to tell him that it is either the marriage or drinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Sorry to hear that this happened to you, how sad and frustrating. I am also dealing with an abusive husband, but so far it is just verbal when he sometimes drinks. If my husband ever seriously hit me, I believe that would be a dealbreaker for me.
Even though my mother in law has been somewhat supportive after some of his verbal episodes (my mother had to call the police one time when we were living with my parents), I feel that she let him off the hook rather easily after that. Here is what I have come to learn about my mother in law. She has had her own issues dealing with his anger and using in the past, and I think she is also fed up. I have learned to not call her or seek support from her when her son acts out. I have learned to just take care of the situation myself. I would keep your mother in law out of it in the future, as she is also powerless over her son's behavior as well. If you decide to stay with your husband, have your own safety plan, and you also have 911 and the police as well. If he does something like this again (which I hope he does not), take care of it yourself and don't look to your mother in law for support or empathy because you are not going to get it.
You are going to have to make these tough decisions for yourself. Calling a DV hotline or having a counselor can definitely be good since this person is not intrinsically involved in your relationship.
I have posted in the Al-Anon section as well, and, as I thought, other members have told me that I deserve better and most have suggested that I work on leaving the relationship. But I am just not ready at this time, especially since I only have 7 days sober today. I can empathize with your wanting to stay in this relationship despite the physical violence, as we want things to work, change, and we don't want to go through the upheaval of a separation or divorce. This decision is for you to make, and I support whatever you decide to do.
Even though my mother in law has been somewhat supportive after some of his verbal episodes (my mother had to call the police one time when we were living with my parents), I feel that she let him off the hook rather easily after that. Here is what I have come to learn about my mother in law. She has had her own issues dealing with his anger and using in the past, and I think she is also fed up. I have learned to not call her or seek support from her when her son acts out. I have learned to just take care of the situation myself. I would keep your mother in law out of it in the future, as she is also powerless over her son's behavior as well. If you decide to stay with your husband, have your own safety plan, and you also have 911 and the police as well. If he does something like this again (which I hope he does not), take care of it yourself and don't look to your mother in law for support or empathy because you are not going to get it.
You are going to have to make these tough decisions for yourself. Calling a DV hotline or having a counselor can definitely be good since this person is not intrinsically involved in your relationship.
I have posted in the Al-Anon section as well, and, as I thought, other members have told me that I deserve better and most have suggested that I work on leaving the relationship. But I am just not ready at this time, especially since I only have 7 days sober today. I can empathize with your wanting to stay in this relationship despite the physical violence, as we want things to work, change, and we don't want to go through the upheaval of a separation or divorce. This decision is for you to make, and I support whatever you decide to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Apache Junction, AZ
Posts: 111
I'm sorry you had to go through such a mess. I believe things happen for a reason and it sounds like he isn't too concerned with how things turned out which means he may continue on his path. Eventually it will catch up with him. Just make sure you protect yourself and your kids. Don't worry about the mother-in-law. My wife treats her sons the same way- they can do no wrong in her eyes. Nothing can change that.
You don't have to put up with being abused, period. If he keeps drinking chances are the abuse will be worse next time after him just getting a slap on the wrist and having mommy support his behavior. I wish I had a solution for you.
You don't have to put up with being abused, period. If he keeps drinking chances are the abuse will be worse next time after him just getting a slap on the wrist and having mommy support his behavior. I wish I had a solution for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I could only see things clearly once I had some separation from the person/issues.
He has court ordered counseling etc. for a year. Could you separate yourselves for a year, so that you can each fully and totally immerse yourselves in your own recovery? If this has been going on for some time, what is a year really?
At that time, you can both more clearly re-evaluate your relationship.
He has court ordered counseling etc. for a year. Could you separate yourselves for a year, so that you can each fully and totally immerse yourselves in your own recovery? If this has been going on for some time, what is a year really?
At that time, you can both more clearly re-evaluate your relationship.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Just because you drank doesnt mean you deserve to be abused, thrown into a wall, broken nose ( you need to see a plastic surgeon for a closed nasal reduction before the bone sets, plus have you facial bones checked).
Let him go sleep at mama's house, instead of charging a hotel.
Let him go sleep at mama's house, instead of charging a hotel.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by OklaBH 
I just can't get out of my head my mother in laws reaction.
My counselor explained it pretty well. Don't think for a moment that her reaction is all about protecting her son, it's also her protecting HERSELF. She may also be afraid of him too. Additionally, she is in denial. Something you and I are very familiar with as alcoholics. Denial isn't just reserved for alcoholics. She doesn't want to face the fact that her son could actually do something like this so what's her out? To make it as minimal as she can and to provide reasons as to why he would have cause to do such a thing. It's the 'oh, it's really nothing" syndrome.
It's sick. Point blank.
Don't waste any time and energy trying to figure her out, you've got enough work on the horizon. People are strange.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Fandy my friend you're awesome. I had 1 X-ray and an orbital X-ray as well. Left side has a crack. It's been 3 weeks but both sides of my nose, right in my eye sockets are still bruised. The pain subsided so that's good. This is a mess and frankly humiliating
QUOTE=Fandy;5006085]Just because you drank doesnt mean you deserve to be abused, thrown into a wall, broken nose ( you need to see a plastic surgeon for a closed nasal reduction before the bone sets, plus have you facial bones checked).
Let him go sleep at mama's house, instead of charging a hotel.[/QUOTE]
QUOTE=Fandy;5006085]Just because you drank doesnt mean you deserve to be abused, thrown into a wall, broken nose ( you need to see a plastic surgeon for a closed nasal reduction before the bone sets, plus have you facial bones checked).
Let him go sleep at mama's house, instead of charging a hotel.[/QUOTE]
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
I never thought of it like that. You are so right. It still floors me she blamed me. Shopping on Amazon? Kid in college? There would be beatings everywhere. My husband said she's nuts and don't talk to her
Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
I remember sitting on my counselors couch saying this to her. I could wrap my brain around my MIL defending her son no matter the circumstance however, I was floored that he punched me in the face while I was holding her granddaughter and what could have happened. The fact that the first thought in her mind was not even that, it was the repercussion of what me calling the cops was going to have on her son, it boggled my mind.
My counselor explained it pretty well. Don't think for a moment that her reaction is all about protecting her son, it's also her protecting HERSELF. She may also be afraid of him too. Additionally, she is in denial. Something you and I are very familiar with as alcoholics. Denial isn't just reserved for alcoholics. She doesn't want to face the fact that her son could actually do something like this so what's her out? To make it as minimal as she can and to provide reasons as to why he would have cause to do such a thing. It's the 'oh, it's really nothing" syndrome.
It's sick. Point blank.
Don't waste any time and energy trying to figure her out, you've got enough work on the horizon. People are strange.
My counselor explained it pretty well. Don't think for a moment that her reaction is all about protecting her son, it's also her protecting HERSELF. She may also be afraid of him too. Additionally, she is in denial. Something you and I are very familiar with as alcoholics. Denial isn't just reserved for alcoholics. She doesn't want to face the fact that her son could actually do something like this so what's her out? To make it as minimal as she can and to provide reasons as to why he would have cause to do such a thing. It's the 'oh, it's really nothing" syndrome.
It's sick. Point blank.
Don't waste any time and energy trying to figure her out, you've got enough work on the horizon. People are strange.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Originally Posted by MelindaFlowers
Okla, what will you do if he drinks again? Will that be a deal breaker?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern NJ
Posts: 174
these kind of situations baffle me as to why there is even a question about what to do. if you stay and it happens again its your own fault. Why would want to live a life worrying about the next time.
there are plenty of nice guys out there with tons more to offer you and your son than what you are currently getting.
I am not dancing around the topic but being very blunt with you and i think thats always the best advice. What happened to you should is criminal in all respects. Once a beater always a beater - its in their blood and no amount of therapy will change that.
there are plenty of nice guys out there with tons more to offer you and your son than what you are currently getting.
I am not dancing around the topic but being very blunt with you and i think thats always the best advice. What happened to you should is criminal in all respects. Once a beater always a beater - its in their blood and no amount of therapy will change that.
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