Starting to feel low again.... Sobriety losing its appeal...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: London
Posts: 369
Starting to feel low again.... Sobriety losing its appeal...
So after what I would say was a very smooth ride these last eleven months after getting sober and seeing a great improvement in my self esteem, mood and general life situation, I'm starting to feel pretty down in the dumps about something I just can't seem to shake.
I've always been aware of the omnipresence of alcohol as a recovering alcoholic but I haven't really paid much attention to it up until the last few weeks and I'm now starting to get really fed up of seeing it on tv and in restaurants etc and listening to people talking about how they "love a good beer or glass of wine" all the time. The fact that, not only can I not drink, but also that people who haven't met me before will expect me to drink and will find it odd if I don't, has really been starting to get me down and is making me lose sight of the importance of staying sober.
I'm currently signed up to a dating site in the hope of meeting like minded women, but every profile I see, there's always a caption or remark about how they "like to drink copious amounts of wine" or are "beer aficionados" etc etc. I feel very isolated right now and almost like this life of sobriety is becoming a form of self imposed exile. As if I am doomed to forever be a fringe dweller, looking on as others sip away merrily on glasses of champagne, beer, spirits or whatever else takes their fancy.
I guess I'm just posting cos atm I feel like I'm the only person in the world who doesn't drink the damn stuff and I need to feel reconnected to people whose ultimate goal is the same as mine - to stay sober and lead a happy , fulfilling life.
Th ks for reading. Good day folks
I've always been aware of the omnipresence of alcohol as a recovering alcoholic but I haven't really paid much attention to it up until the last few weeks and I'm now starting to get really fed up of seeing it on tv and in restaurants etc and listening to people talking about how they "love a good beer or glass of wine" all the time. The fact that, not only can I not drink, but also that people who haven't met me before will expect me to drink and will find it odd if I don't, has really been starting to get me down and is making me lose sight of the importance of staying sober.
I'm currently signed up to a dating site in the hope of meeting like minded women, but every profile I see, there's always a caption or remark about how they "like to drink copious amounts of wine" or are "beer aficionados" etc etc. I feel very isolated right now and almost like this life of sobriety is becoming a form of self imposed exile. As if I am doomed to forever be a fringe dweller, looking on as others sip away merrily on glasses of champagne, beer, spirits or whatever else takes their fancy.
I guess I'm just posting cos atm I feel like I'm the only person in the world who doesn't drink the damn stuff and I need to feel reconnected to people whose ultimate goal is the same as mine - to stay sober and lead a happy , fulfilling life.
Th ks for reading. Good day folks
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,578
Congratulations on 11 months of recovery! And, good for you for recognizing that you're feeling down and are looking for support.
I'm sorry that you feel isolated and that sobriety has become a self-imposed exile. I'm sure there are women on dating sites who don't drink or who seldom drink. It might just take a bit more time to find one. Have you considered the old-fashioned way of dating - ask people you know if they are aware of someone who is single and sober? Or maybe you could get involved in a volunteer activity where you could meet like-minded people.
I'm sorry that you feel isolated and that sobriety has become a self-imposed exile. I'm sure there are women on dating sites who don't drink or who seldom drink. It might just take a bit more time to find one. Have you considered the old-fashioned way of dating - ask people you know if they are aware of someone who is single and sober? Or maybe you could get involved in a volunteer activity where you could meet like-minded people.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: bay area
Posts: 59
You know why those women on dating sites who post that stuff about drinking are still single, right? Lol.
I have no advice for you, I only have 2 months sober, but that statement you wrote about those women reminded me why I can't drink anymore. No matter how cute/funny/fit I am, when I am drinking I can't make anyone who loves me happy, only miserable.
I have no advice for you, I only have 2 months sober, but that statement you wrote about those women reminded me why I can't drink anymore. No matter how cute/funny/fit I am, when I am drinking I can't make anyone who loves me happy, only miserable.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by MattyBoy 
...I feel like I'm the only person in the world who doesn't drink the damn stuff.
There is probably something else bringing you down, something that will likely resolve itself in time, but your addiction has jumped on the missing alcohol thing because it seems to be a weak point with you. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I'm with bluehour.
Dancing along with my alcoholism is my dating-site-ism, which I have also forsworn in sobriety. My favorite activity when drinking was to post, respond, and date from dating sites. I've spent a fair amount of time trying to understand what this was about for me; while some of it had to do with living in a rural area which is somewhat conservative (and thus a preponderance of married couples and families/few singles), mostly it came down to fantasy. Why read a good book or write in your journal when you can have a pretend relationship on-line, with all the excitement of notes and calls and letters in your in-box telling you how fabulous you are? The fantasy was always of escape - finding someone in a distant someone who would want me to merge into their life, thus escaping mine.
I've done a lot of dating in real life with folks found on dating sites. Without exception, whether or not it was advertised on their profile, every single guy I picked off a dating site was deeply involved with alcohol. The most recent one actually drove (?!) to Alaska from the lower 48... that, um, didn't work...
When I think about my drinking, it is inextricably linked to hours and hours spent drunkenly browsing dating sites. That was my compulsion of choice.
I still don't fully understand how I could have devoted so much energy to the quest for fantasy partnership. A lot of it has to do with the mythology you can build about yourself on such sites - a few carefully chosen photos to illustrate your loveliness, well-written copy which de-emphasizes the flaws - tah dah! - imaginary me! When someone responds to imaginary me, well, that shiny version of myself becomes a centimeter close to being true.
I don't have any answers about finding a sober, grounded partner. For now, having promised myself to let go of the internet as a dating tool, I find myself utterly alone. With real me.
Dating within the rooms might someday be a possibility (although I've encountered no one that I'm attracted to, and plus recovering addicts and alcoholics are an unsure bet in terms of continued sobriety). For now, I wouldn't even consider it, because there are not many meetings here, and if things went awry, I'd have no support community whilst avoiding an uncomfortable failed attempt at partnering.
For now, I'm focusing on actually being the me that I so carefully constructed on dating profiles. On actually doing the "hobbies" I listed, but had abandoned to drink.
I'm trying to trust that when I'm ready, a true love will appear - somehow, some way. Trusting the energies of the universe (god) to provide. Dating sober, sober sexuality, explaining the aspects of me that I tend to hide - those are challenges that loom on that horizon.
The good thing is that - given this time in which to build my capacity for relationship - I know I'll be a great partner when/if given that opportunity...
Dancing along with my alcoholism is my dating-site-ism, which I have also forsworn in sobriety. My favorite activity when drinking was to post, respond, and date from dating sites. I've spent a fair amount of time trying to understand what this was about for me; while some of it had to do with living in a rural area which is somewhat conservative (and thus a preponderance of married couples and families/few singles), mostly it came down to fantasy. Why read a good book or write in your journal when you can have a pretend relationship on-line, with all the excitement of notes and calls and letters in your in-box telling you how fabulous you are? The fantasy was always of escape - finding someone in a distant someone who would want me to merge into their life, thus escaping mine.
I've done a lot of dating in real life with folks found on dating sites. Without exception, whether or not it was advertised on their profile, every single guy I picked off a dating site was deeply involved with alcohol. The most recent one actually drove (?!) to Alaska from the lower 48... that, um, didn't work...
When I think about my drinking, it is inextricably linked to hours and hours spent drunkenly browsing dating sites. That was my compulsion of choice.
I still don't fully understand how I could have devoted so much energy to the quest for fantasy partnership. A lot of it has to do with the mythology you can build about yourself on such sites - a few carefully chosen photos to illustrate your loveliness, well-written copy which de-emphasizes the flaws - tah dah! - imaginary me! When someone responds to imaginary me, well, that shiny version of myself becomes a centimeter close to being true.
I don't have any answers about finding a sober, grounded partner. For now, having promised myself to let go of the internet as a dating tool, I find myself utterly alone. With real me.
Dating within the rooms might someday be a possibility (although I've encountered no one that I'm attracted to, and plus recovering addicts and alcoholics are an unsure bet in terms of continued sobriety). For now, I wouldn't even consider it, because there are not many meetings here, and if things went awry, I'd have no support community whilst avoiding an uncomfortable failed attempt at partnering.
For now, I'm focusing on actually being the me that I so carefully constructed on dating profiles. On actually doing the "hobbies" I listed, but had abandoned to drink.
I'm trying to trust that when I'm ready, a true love will appear - somehow, some way. Trusting the energies of the universe (god) to provide. Dating sober, sober sexuality, explaining the aspects of me that I tend to hide - those are challenges that loom on that horizon.
The good thing is that - given this time in which to build my capacity for relationship - I know I'll be a great partner when/if given that opportunity...
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,707
this is were aa meetings really helped me to stay grateful to remain sober, just looking at the state some of the new comers come into aa in really shows me how lucky i am to be sober
i used to do dating sites as i was looking for someone to fix my emptyness inside of me, i needed to be loved by a women and for them to look after me and in my head i would look after them
i never really looked at why i was always on my own and how my other relationships had ended as i always put the blame on the ex girlfriend never how hard it is to live with me
i craved that love just like i craved a drink, i would be full of poor me as isnt life so hard without someone to love etc
its total rubbish of course i can see that today as i have grown out of it i can see it for how it really is today
thats another reason i am so glad for the honesty of other alcholics in aa who told me all about how they really are as a person and i would know there talking about themselves but i would know i was feeling like they once did
i wanted to know how to not be like that anymore and how to feel happy and grateful to just be sober
which is what i am today is just grateful i am sober
i used to do dating sites as i was looking for someone to fix my emptyness inside of me, i needed to be loved by a women and for them to look after me and in my head i would look after them
i never really looked at why i was always on my own and how my other relationships had ended as i always put the blame on the ex girlfriend never how hard it is to live with me
i craved that love just like i craved a drink, i would be full of poor me as isnt life so hard without someone to love etc
its total rubbish of course i can see that today as i have grown out of it i can see it for how it really is today
thats another reason i am so glad for the honesty of other alcholics in aa who told me all about how they really are as a person and i would know there talking about themselves but i would know i was feeling like they once did
i wanted to know how to not be like that anymore and how to feel happy and grateful to just be sober
which is what i am today is just grateful i am sober
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Soberwolf -
Just looked at the first page of your suggested link (above), and that is SO damn sweet, with their matching tea cups and all. I want a partner who drinks tea out of a tea-cup!!
I am commitedly sober from the dating sites, so won't "enter." But I think that's a great link for people, and am glad that someone is marketing the concept. It looks rather UK-centric, although a couple of their examples on the front page appear to be in the US.
Oh, and I loved the phrase "taking that cute bird out for dinner." UK English rocks.
Just looked at the first page of your suggested link (above), and that is SO damn sweet, with their matching tea cups and all. I want a partner who drinks tea out of a tea-cup!!
I am commitedly sober from the dating sites, so won't "enter." But I think that's a great link for people, and am glad that someone is marketing the concept. It looks rather UK-centric, although a couple of their examples on the front page appear to be in the US.
Oh, and I loved the phrase "taking that cute bird out for dinner." UK English rocks.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
11 months is a heck of an accomplishment, but addiction doesn't really care if it's 11 hours, days, months or years...it can rear it's ugly head at any time.
Think logically for a minute about what would happen if you started drinking again. Your addiction would have you imagine fun filled evenings, women, excitement all around. What would really happen is you would just go back to being the same drunk you were before. The hangovers, the shame, the guilt, the blackouts....they are all part of the package.
Think logically for a minute about what would happen if you started drinking again. Your addiction would have you imagine fun filled evenings, women, excitement all around. What would really happen is you would just go back to being the same drunk you were before. The hangovers, the shame, the guilt, the blackouts....they are all part of the package.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
11 months is a heck of an accomplishment, but addiction doesn't really care if it's 11 hours, days, months or years...it can rear it's ugly head at any time.
Think logically for a minute about what would happen if you started drinking again. Your addiction would have you imagine fun filled evenings, women, excitement all around. What would really happen is you would just go back to being the same drunk you were before. The hangovers, the shame, the guilt, the blackouts....they are all part of the package.
Think logically for a minute about what would happen if you started drinking again. Your addiction would have you imagine fun filled evenings, women, excitement all around. What would really happen is you would just go back to being the same drunk you were before. The hangovers, the shame, the guilt, the blackouts....they are all part of the package.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
Many women put that stuff on their dating profiles because they believe a lot of guys drink and it will make them look attractive to guys who drink, or look like someone capable of handling dating a drinker (since they assume so many guys do). What I have found in my sober dating is that most women by the time they hit their mid to late 20s drink very little. The ones that still drink regularly are addicted to alcohol and are not the ones you want to date.
"Everyone but me drinks" is your AV. 100% AV. Most people drink very little, or overindulge a couple times a year at most maybe.
Do you honestly think that deep down that good women are attracted to guys that drink a lot? I can say from experience that whatever initial attraction they may have to dating a guy who is a little "crazy" or "dangerous" fades very quickly after a couple dates and they see the reality. Women want a guy that is stable, that is happy, that is ambitious, that has goals, that has varied interests, etc. Drunks cannot check off a single one of those boxes. They are as undateable as it gets. I used to think drinking made me attractive to women, a laughable contention now that I look back at it. Alcohol destroyed every relationship I ever had.
"Everyone but me drinks" is your AV. 100% AV. Most people drink very little, or overindulge a couple times a year at most maybe.
Do you honestly think that deep down that good women are attracted to guys that drink a lot? I can say from experience that whatever initial attraction they may have to dating a guy who is a little "crazy" or "dangerous" fades very quickly after a couple dates and they see the reality. Women want a guy that is stable, that is happy, that is ambitious, that has goals, that has varied interests, etc. Drunks cannot check off a single one of those boxes. They are as undateable as it gets. I used to think drinking made me attractive to women, a laughable contention now that I look back at it. Alcohol destroyed every relationship I ever had.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: London
Posts: 369
Thanks for all the replies everyone! I feel much better today than I did and my confidence in being a non drinker is slowly being restored. I guess at 11 months, I'm still at the early stages of truly becoming happy with my new identity as a teetotaller but I'm sure I'll get there I was having a bit of a 'poor me' day yesterday which I'm glad to say has passed now.
And I think you're right dogonecarl about the possibility of me being down about something else. There are some other things about my life that I'm not entirely happy with and maybe my AV is trying to get me to focus on the alcohol to cover up the true problem underneath.
You're all a very wise bunch and I am grateful for the replies.
I was having a bit of a 'poor me' day yesterday which I'm glad to say has passed now.And I think you're right dogonecarl about the possibility of me being down about something else. There are some other things about my life that I'm not entirely happy with and maybe my AV is trying to get me to focus on the alcohol to cover up the true problem underneath.
You're all a very wise bunch and I am grateful for the replies.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Grayslake, IL
Posts: 732
I was that girl, late 20's, "drank socially", and liked the attention. I went on a few first dates from sites, got pretty buzzed to drunk on said first dates. By the grace of God I didn't do too many things that I regret. And most of those first dates never led to second dates.
I still have a dating profile, even though I am not actively dating. It now says 33, single, doesn't drink. And every single pic on my profile is now a Sober pic. Interesting to look at the hits I get, though...
Bunnez
I still have a dating profile, even though I am not actively dating. It now says 33, single, doesn't drink. And every single pic on my profile is now a Sober pic. Interesting to look at the hits I get, though...
Bunnez
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi MattyBoy,
Congrats on your sober time! As far as I can see, most of us go through similar dilemmas during the period when we are adjusting to a sober lifestyle.
I have a question for you regarding trying to find "likeminded people (women)". I'm a bit skeptical why you tend to run into people with a bold interest in drinking... This in part comes from your OP where you express seeing and hearing about alcohol and drinking all the time. I tend to believe this is because your focus is still unconsciously there or tends to be attracted there, due to old habits or perhaps not entirely giving up your old "love affair" with alcohol.
When you try to find likeminded people on internet or elsewhere, what are your criteria for the similarities? I don't know... I met many people via the internet even during my drinking years, but many of them were pretty much normal drinkers or pretty much uninterested in alcohol. And I truly found that whenever I "hooked up" with people that turned out to be very much into drinking, it was always when I choose very edgy and, would say now, troubled characters myself... of course when I was ***ed up myself, we tended to make a good mix.
I guess it also depends on your interests, preferences for socializing, etc. If you think that these somehow match up with people who are too much into drinking/drugging/partying/whatever, I would say try to work on shifting your interests, find new hobbies etc. I absolutely never believe that most people equal social life and dating with drinking, not even those who look for company using the internet. I'm inclined to think that there is probably something in your orientation and focus that brings these out.
And yes the ideas about "something else" troubling you are also good to investigate.
Congrats on your sober time!
As far as I can see, most of us go through similar dilemmas during the period when we are adjusting to a sober lifestyle. I have a question for you regarding trying to find "likeminded people (women)". I'm a bit skeptical why you tend to run into people with a bold interest in drinking... This in part comes from your OP where you express seeing and hearing about alcohol and drinking all the time. I tend to believe this is because your focus is still unconsciously there or tends to be attracted there, due to old habits or perhaps not entirely giving up your old "love affair" with alcohol.
When you try to find likeminded people on internet or elsewhere, what are your criteria for the similarities? I don't know... I met many people via the internet even during my drinking years, but many of them were pretty much normal drinkers or pretty much uninterested in alcohol. And I truly found that whenever I "hooked up" with people that turned out to be very much into drinking, it was always when I choose very edgy and, would say now, troubled characters myself... of course when I was ***ed up myself, we tended to make a good mix.
I guess it also depends on your interests, preferences for socializing, etc. If you think that these somehow match up with people who are too much into drinking/drugging/partying/whatever, I would say try to work on shifting your interests, find new hobbies etc. I absolutely never believe that most people equal social life and dating with drinking, not even those who look for company using the internet. I'm inclined to think that there is probably something in your orientation and focus that brings these out.
And yes the ideas about "something else" troubling you are also good to investigate.
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