Diary of a Mad Cow, Part VI: "Raging Bull"
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Yes, Cow, we are here for you! We are on your side, at your side and forward with you we will go.
Love from Lenina
PS, as coincidental as it may be. I ran into a friend of mine, who used to work for the State Dept as a translator. I showed him the words from here and he was thrilled to explain the nuances of them for me! They are beautiful. English isn't so much. So thank you all.
And let's join our hearts together so we can all rise. Sobriety is beautiful.
Love from Lenina
PS, as coincidental as it may be. I ran into a friend of mine, who used to work for the State Dept as a translator. I showed him the words from here and he was thrilled to explain the nuances of them for me! They are beautiful. English isn't so much. So thank you all.
And let's join our hearts together so we can all rise. Sobriety is beautiful.
I've been both so I know there's a difference. Whichever, we got you.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by cow
And just wish to say, Soberlicious, what Gilmer say is true, I has many time discuss LONG list of medical therapies, programs, treatments, counseling, etc., that I has done, so too exhausting to list all that again.
Originally Posted by cow
But I total agree with majority sentiment that only thing left to do, IS DO IT.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
It really is simple. I quit smoking when I quit smoking. Almost four years ago. I had a few bad weeks, reminding myself I quit and that meant I don't smoke. It's the same with drinking. I don't drink now. It's not even an option. Under any circumstance. Once I viewed it in those terms, with no wiggle room for my BS, it did get easier. Of course. In the beginning there were tantrums and lots of Bs excuses of why it would OK, "just this once." It's ridiculous!
watching it that place almost over my own head, observing the insanity of it, it just got easier.
Love from Lenina. I know you can do this. You have the tools. Use them!
watching it that place almost over my own head, observing the insanity of it, it just got easier.
Love from Lenina. I know you can do this. You have the tools. Use them!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 306
Oh Cow.....I feel you You can't go over, around, or under this......the only way out is through. I know it is hard.....your poor broken brain doesn't function the way it should anymore; it may never again. But it CAN get better than it is now. You just have to go through it. You understand your brain chemistry very well, don't you.......there seems to be a pattern here. You come off the alcohol/caffeine and your broken brain can't handle it. It doesn't know what to do.....those receptors that have been deadened by alcohol and then overstimulated by caffeine simply don't function properly. Thus the rebound depression/mania/anxiety/cognitive issues. You get PAWS on steroids powered by a nuclear reactor on top of a volcano!
You go as long as you can and then relapse. That can only last a few days until your brains starts to freak out from THAT, rinse, repeat. Until you BREAK THE CYCLE and give your brain some REAL SERIOUS TIME away from the substances you won't feel any improvement. I'm not talking happy- joy- joy improvement, I'm just talking your normal "baseline anhedonic." You yourself admit you may never get over the anhedonia completely......then again maybe you will. With 5-10 sober years, who knows? With all they are learning about neuroplasticity.....it's definitely possible.
I would give real serious thought to Soberlicious' ideas about separating your mental health issues and your substance abuse issues.
You spoke of being afraid of madness, of being unwilling to let go or abandon your intellect. Don't be. It's like swimming in white-water rapids without the risk of drowning. It feels uncomfortable at first, but after awhile you can just ride it out. I think maybe you need to let the maelstrom have you for awhile....surrender to the dark a little so you can come out the other side. It WILL get worse before it gets better. You must be willing to risk that. Stop trying to drive the bus and just ride for awhile.
I am sorry you are suffering. I understand.
You go as long as you can and then relapse. That can only last a few days until your brains starts to freak out from THAT, rinse, repeat. Until you BREAK THE CYCLE and give your brain some REAL SERIOUS TIME away from the substances you won't feel any improvement. I'm not talking happy- joy- joy improvement, I'm just talking your normal "baseline anhedonic." You yourself admit you may never get over the anhedonia completely......then again maybe you will. With 5-10 sober years, who knows? With all they are learning about neuroplasticity.....it's definitely possible.
I would give real serious thought to Soberlicious' ideas about separating your mental health issues and your substance abuse issues.
You spoke of being afraid of madness, of being unwilling to let go or abandon your intellect. Don't be. It's like swimming in white-water rapids without the risk of drowning. It feels uncomfortable at first, but after awhile you can just ride it out. I think maybe you need to let the maelstrom have you for awhile....surrender to the dark a little so you can come out the other side. It WILL get worse before it gets better. You must be willing to risk that. Stop trying to drive the bus and just ride for awhile.
I am sorry you are suffering. I understand.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Is no where to go. Is no where to hide. I surrender.
d'y'know there's a book on my crowded 'to-read' shelf that's called "The Wisdom of No Escape"?
well, now you do
i haven't read it yet, and i don't know that the nowhere-to-go-and-nowhere-to-hide position is one of wisdom, but i do know that for me and many others it has been a turning point.
d'y'know there's a book on my crowded 'to-read' shelf that's called "The Wisdom of No Escape"?
well, now you do
i haven't read it yet, and i don't know that the nowhere-to-go-and-nowhere-to-hide position is one of wisdom, but i do know that for me and many others it has been a turning point.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 468
Dear Cow, I'm glad you feel that now is the time.
If it helps, a useful idea I picked up at SR is "Start before you are ready".
As much as I enjoy your purple prose, it would be horrible if you spent the rest of your life as some kind of Dostoevskian Cow-in-Box who suffered so that everyone else could live in paradise.
I send you a hug by the starry night and the evening air.
BTW, no one ever called me doll-face before, so thank you!
If it helps, a useful idea I picked up at SR is "Start before you are ready".
As much as I enjoy your purple prose, it would be horrible if you spent the rest of your life as some kind of Dostoevskian Cow-in-Box who suffered so that everyone else could live in paradise.
I send you a hug by the starry night and the evening air.
BTW, no one ever called me doll-face before, so thank you!
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Day One - Done
Is so much wisdoms and thoughtfulness here, what can be said, except to humble express gratitude for all of you. 
Yes, I gonna just focus on quitting, and no more too much with the mental gymnastics. Boudicca, you has my situation completely nailed. You know me so well I begin to think you a figment of my imaginations.
Well, goodnight gumdrops. My poor liver is killing me, but I thankful just to be lying down sober tonight. Was no alcohol or caffeine today, so Day One - Done.
Yes, I gonna just focus on quitting, and no more too much with the mental gymnastics. Boudicca, you has my situation completely nailed. You know me so well I begin to think you a figment of my imaginations.
Well, goodnight gumdrops. My poor liver is killing me, but I thankful just to be lying down sober tonight. Was no alcohol or caffeine today, so Day One - Done.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Day Two - Got Through
Liver feeling little better, I think maybe I get lucky and it not gonna burst out of abdominal cavity like outtake from Alien. Got couple chores done, jump on trampoline for couple minute. Visit with neighbors. The deadly MUBIS not return yet, but I has the extra strength Kleenexes standing by...
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Always I sleep okay, Gilmer, cuz I have benzos for that. Liver still killing me today. I gonna be real p*ss off if I finally make success to quit but DOH! sorry, you little too late.
So I go to Whole Food this morning and spend like 2 million dollar for tiny bottle of veg juices and 2 organic apple. (Jesus God those peoples must make fortune!) Anyways, I gonna do organic veg/fruit/juice/soup thing plus my supplements to see if that make liver more happy.
Massage therapist had say my liver was "angry." Yeah, it go something like this:
So I go to Whole Food this morning and spend like 2 million dollar for tiny bottle of veg juices and 2 organic apple. (Jesus God those peoples must make fortune!) Anyways, I gonna do organic veg/fruit/juice/soup thing plus my supplements to see if that make liver more happy.
Massage therapist had say my liver was "angry." Yeah, it go something like this:
Cow: Oh hi Liver, hey, sorry for all that decades of poisons and abuses and stuff. May I offers you refreshing glass of total over-price juice?
Liver:
So I has some relationship building to do with liver. It need to see action and not just word, I get it. Fair enough.Liver:
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Keep going cow. You know you can sustain it if you really want to.
I have a suggestion for ye, next time you go walking in the woods, leave the ipod on your desk. Listen to the sounds of nature. Listen, watch, smell nature. Be a part of it. To me, walking through the woods with headphones on listening to your own music would be the same as watching the woods on TV with the sound turned down.
Experience it. Experience being alive and being a part of it. Free you mind from familiar distractions once in a while. Maybe?
I have a suggestion for ye, next time you go walking in the woods, leave the ipod on your desk. Listen to the sounds of nature. Listen, watch, smell nature. Be a part of it. To me, walking through the woods with headphones on listening to your own music would be the same as watching the woods on TV with the sound turned down.
Experience it. Experience being alive and being a part of it. Free you mind from familiar distractions once in a while. Maybe?
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