silentrun

The thread about if you would take a pill to turn you into a normal drinker got me thinking. It doesn't feel like I am actively trying to change. I don't really have a goal in mind to be better or happier. My intention alone was to stop drinking for good. It is just happening to me and I am along for the ride. I get the brain spins and angry and I have no choice but to work through it or stay stuck in anger. I will devise any plan not to stay stuck in anger. I was like that before I drank. I feel like the alcohol abuse took over my brain and damaged normal function. Some posters feel like alcohol was a symptom of a larger problem. I don't see it that way. I see the alcoholism as the problem. Is there something I am missing here or is the experience just different. I am sober and pretty peaceful lately so I know I am headed in the right direction. I do still spend a lot of time on here though so I know I am not finished yet.

IOAA2

Hi. As it is said at AA meetings, alcohol is like the tip of an iceberg and once we stop consuming it the reasons we drank have to be explored and worked on. For instance anger, so many forms of fear, loneliness, insecurity, escape from different feelings and on and on.
If you do not have them perhaps your not an alcoholic.
A major requirement in getting sober is being honest with ourselves about our drinking AND accepting the fact that we cannot drink in safety.

BE WELL

Boleo

Sober up a horse thief and all you have is a thief who makes fewer mistakes.

Emotional sobriety (if you believe there is such a thing) is a whole new way of life where all forms of suffering are addressed. When a person becomes spiritually fit (not just dry) life takes on a new meaning.

Lonelyness is replaced by fellowship. Selfishness is replaced by benevolence. Anxiety is replaced by equanimity. Worry is replaced by detachment.

"In this life - pain is inevitable - suffering is optional."

PurpleKnight

I don't think it's the same for everyone, it's not a one size fits all reason as to why we all drank.

When I look back on my drinking, I started to drink mostly due to boredom, I drank because it was what I did every evening after work and when the habit was formed I continued with it, and then when I had done that for a few years, I drank simply because I could, addiction took it's hold and it became more and more ingrained in my life, every waking moment was spent either thinking about alcohol, drinking it or planning my next drink, so in the end alcoholism as you say, the addiction itself became the problem and Sobriety was the solution.

In the beginning though it was all about not drinking, just be Sober and push through, but as I didn't really do much with my time before Sobriety other than drink, my life wasn't filled with very much else, so suddenly I had all this free time and life didn't seem to exciting.

I guess that's why you'll hear people say not drinking is the first and important step, but then when we settle into that, we need to figure out what to do with all this time that we used to spend drinking, figuring out the rest of life with Sober eyes!!

silentrun

Thanks to everyone who replied. I drank because once I built up the physical ability to do so it was a lot of fun. At least that's how I remember it. Honestly I can't think of one thing alcohol gave me but a good time until it didn't. Toward the end it was not fun at all but I felt like I was compelled to drink anyway. It was what I always did kind of thing. I hear other people say it was escape or self medicating. I really don't have any excuse why I put myself through that. It was almost like I was possessed (see avatar). Other people seem to have a clear reason why it happened. Is all I have is hedonism and I'm an idiot sometimes.

aborkie

I simply drank for fun. It was a choice I made. I was never physically addicted it was just a terrible habit. When I stopped there were no withdrawal symptoms either.

Boleo

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/4777138-post88.html

AAecon

I also feel that I just drink because I liked it and that there wasn't another bigger problem. However I do think that trying to be more considerate person that thinks of others first helped me quick drinking. I focused more on the forgiveness and leniency that everyone showed me when I was drinking and thought about how grateful I was to not be causing those people anymore stress or problems.

Drinking is selfish and harmful. Even if not religious, st francis prayer from the bb provides some comforting goals. I try to forgive and tolerate how others forgave and tolerated me. All around, by thinking about others and how to help others as they helped me, I for the most part quit thinking about drinking and felt happier and less shameful.

dwtbd

I drank to get drunk.
Being honest with myself on the level I needed to be let me see that the reasons that I used as justifications for drinking were really just that , trying to justify continued drinking.

Raider

I'm not sure I buy into the "I must be escaping life by being loaded for 30 years". Like everyone else, I did some majorly stupid crap when I was drunk. But I was never beaten, raped, abandoned, adopted, abused, had a broken family, incest, etc. I have given this much thought and unless I have some repressed memory, I can only deduce I drank because I thought it was fun. It became a habit, which turned into an addiction. Then it wasn't fun anymore. And unlike what Mom thinks, life should be FUN!!!!

Dee74

I think some people really do have to look at underlying causes and other things besides not drinking in order to be happy. I'm one of those.

I've met a lot of people here tho who just stopped drinking.

I learned the hard way - I try not to speak for everyone

D

silentrun

OOHHH a comment from Dee!
Something isn't adding up for me. Do those people spend hours on SR over a year out? I keep waiting to taper down on SR and come back in a year or two with one of those awesome stories. Maybe just check in here and there but I am still glued. I really appreciate all those who stick around to help others but I was hoping to go on my way at some point. It makes me think I am missing something.

Croissant

Hmm, silentrun...my thoughts.

I don't like the reason why I started drinking. I was pretty much a non drinker - I never saw the point of having more than 1, maybe 2 if I was out. Some years I had one on Christmas Day and that was it.

But a traumatic event led me to drinking in a roundabout way. And I continued to drink, then I met a man who LOVED to drink, daily - and I graduated to wine. Years later, I can say the reasons I started were not the same when I finished.

BUT, now I have ruined my reactions to alcohol by abusing it, I have to learn ways to deal with life without it. That's going to take a long time because of the whole addiction thing. It's changed every single way I interact or view alcohol.

That's why - and I think I've read it somewhere, that commitment to stay sober must be uppermost in our lives. I've accepted that each part of my day is about self-care, loving myself, making good choices, reinforcing the positives and remembering why I cannot drink again.

SR for now, is the tool that helps me with some of those things. There's no time limit. I have to be committed to sobriety for the rest of my life. I've said my vows.

caboblanco

i don't think it does any good to try to ignore the anger...explore and express that son of a bitch in every legal way possible...then it should go away when it runs its course

silentrun

HaHa I'm too old for that. I think part of it may be this whole time I have kept telling myself I don't have it that bad. I didn't ruin any relationships or get into any trouble. My husband doesn't drink and we are mostly stable. Like Raider said I was never raped or anything like that. Yeah I grew up in a cult and was physically abused when I was younger but people on here have it so much worse. Most of my adult life has been reasonably happy. I dogged an abusive relationship in my early 20's. Things could have been so much worse.
That's my way of dealing with things "It's not that bad. More importantly I don't have it that bad." That is what was said to me the entire time I was growing up. But it really kind of was bad. Being a drunk sucked the soul right out of me. It was bad. I need to acknowledge to myself something here.
I know this is recovery taboo but I think it is time for a pity party and a snot bubble cry. That is why I love this place. That thread by lulla and then that thread about grieving from geno lead to 42.
Feel free to hit me right between the eyes if you see some denial going on here.

alphaomega

I remember being at an AA meeting once and was encouraged to tell my "story". Up until that moment, I, too, thought it didn't have it THAT bad.

When I was done talking, and even during it, I thought as the words were coming out of my mouth - this is a profoundly sad story. It was if I had become so immune to my circumstances that I was detached from the reality. Of the sorrow and sadness that I carried.

It was almost as if I was talking about someone else.
See me ? I'm F.I.N.E. ( you know what Aerosmith says about that word right ?)

Then in therapy, I had a favorite "strong" phrase. I was "rising above it". I was alllllways rising above it. Thinking it made me stronger.
That which doesn't kill you kinda crap.
And then my therapist asked me -so how's that workin out for you ?

When I finally gave myself permission, (and that really what I needed was approval from myself to say, this hurts, almost more than I can bear, and it sucks and I'm angry and destroyed) to feel my feelings, all of them, including the snot bubble inducing ones, really crazy things started to happen.

I think my biggest fear in diving off that cliff, was that I was going to get stuck in that pain. Forever. That if I allowed myself to jump, I would just free fall endlessly until I splat, face first, into the mud. And there I would rot away, buzzards munching on my carcass, bugs crawling into my nose holes and all.

But the exact opposite happened.

I found a voice. My voice. And while I ain't no soprano, turns out, I can carry a tune.

I also got to bat sh1t crazy with a rubber hose. Smacking it against the floor while primal screaming simultaneously.

Now THAT, is some serious therapy.

XO AO

silentrun

Thanks AO. I really needed to hear that. I soo what to have you babies right now.

IOAA2

I believe that I drank heavily because of unrepaired issues. I started doing things I normally wouldn't have done as a sober person which I had remorse about and wanted momentary escape by drinking.

Mainly I drank to sooth, if possible my mixed feelings of fear, anger, control issues, ego, insecurity and other issues I kept covered. It never worked because when I awoke they were still there until I stopped drinking and started to follow directions into recovery and feel comfortable in my own skin most of the time.

BE WELL

SoberCAH

I agree.

It was always medicine for me.

I would surround myself with laughing funny people to convince myself I was normal and having a good time.

But I drank because I was insecure and had low self-esteem and drinking lessened those negative feelings.

I wouldn't want to be a normal drinker today, because my recollections of drinking are pretty lousy.

And many normal drinkers don't have the life tools we have to live happily and to good purpose.

Sudz No More

I had so many different stages of alcoholism but there were no underlying reasons. I just drank to drink, I'm not really sure why, I just discovered it and chose to do it, a lot...

I was 7 when I took my first chug of a beer in the woods, my older brother looked disapprovingly at me but I didn't care. I stood in the circle and had some. When we got back to my friends house, we stole another and has some more. Eventually my brother joined in an we never looked back.

When I finally chose to quit 32 years after starting I found that the impulse of drinking beer had become so ingrained in my thoughts that it was impossible to stay stopped. I relapsed for 3 years until something in my brain finally switched and I became determined.

The best way I can put it is that I felt a sense of defeat, that I could no longer fight the demon inside. There was a new path to follow and alcohol wasn't in it, once I discovered that new though pattern it became easier. Alcohol just no longer had a place in my life and I had begun to accept it.

But yes Silentrun, I still have days like you write of here also. The best we can do is turn it off and go back to the new path we have taken. The better path, the path we should have followed all along and at least we get to feel proud to be on that path now.