I'm a POS and that's why I would rather be drunk and high. Day 2
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
I'm a POS and that's why I would rather be drunk and high. Day 2
Warning, graphic post. If this is too much, mods I won't be offended if it's deleted.
I'm on my second day of sobriety. Not by choice, because I don't have any weed and if I drink without weed I have anger problems, and frankly don't enjoy alcohol by itself.
I hate my life, and because of that I want to be drunk and high all the time.
I hate my family. If I were to get a call that my father was dying I would think "I wonder if I'm in his will." I hate that man for what he put me through. I don't think about it much, because at this point I don't care about him whatsoever. Screw my siblings, they just left me, the youngest to be abused by my parents and went on with their lives. I don't hate them, but their well being is of little concern to me. My mother is the most passive aggressive hypocritical Christian woman I have ever met. I'd like to beat the stupid look off her face with my bare hands. Probably why I have spent so much of my life looking at religious people like they are idiots.
I hate my child's mothers family. Their just A holes and I honestly wish them the worst right now.
My kids mom is one of the biggest pain in the asses I have ever met. Having a child with her was one of my biggest mistakes.
I love my son, but honestly I don't want him around that much. Right now I have him 4 days a week without any backup. I feel bad for him because I'm his dad and his family is his, and he has no choice. I just don't like kids in general. They're messy, loud, and plain bothersome.
I hate animals that make noise. I wish every dog within hearing distance a slow painful death. Useless animals, unless they're in my fridge or freezer.
I'm not working right now because I have chronic back pain. I was able to start physical therapy recently, which has given me a slight glimmer of hope. But, in the back of my mind I know I'm a loser and just want to hang myself and have my family find me. I'd leave them a grim note telling them how I feel about them and that I will haunt them until the day they die.
All that said, I just want to be happy. I wish I could like and love my family and myself. I just don't. I wish I could forgive them, but the left me behind and don't give a s###.
I know I'm a sick person, and I wish I wasn't. But this is who I've become and how I feel.
I'm on my second day of sobriety. Not by choice, because I don't have any weed and if I drink without weed I have anger problems, and frankly don't enjoy alcohol by itself.
I hate my life, and because of that I want to be drunk and high all the time.
I hate my family. If I were to get a call that my father was dying I would think "I wonder if I'm in his will." I hate that man for what he put me through. I don't think about it much, because at this point I don't care about him whatsoever. Screw my siblings, they just left me, the youngest to be abused by my parents and went on with their lives. I don't hate them, but their well being is of little concern to me. My mother is the most passive aggressive hypocritical Christian woman I have ever met. I'd like to beat the stupid look off her face with my bare hands. Probably why I have spent so much of my life looking at religious people like they are idiots.
I hate my child's mothers family. Their just A holes and I honestly wish them the worst right now.
My kids mom is one of the biggest pain in the asses I have ever met. Having a child with her was one of my biggest mistakes.
I love my son, but honestly I don't want him around that much. Right now I have him 4 days a week without any backup. I feel bad for him because I'm his dad and his family is his, and he has no choice. I just don't like kids in general. They're messy, loud, and plain bothersome.
I hate animals that make noise. I wish every dog within hearing distance a slow painful death. Useless animals, unless they're in my fridge or freezer.
I'm not working right now because I have chronic back pain. I was able to start physical therapy recently, which has given me a slight glimmer of hope. But, in the back of my mind I know I'm a loser and just want to hang myself and have my family find me. I'd leave them a grim note telling them how I feel about them and that I will haunt them until the day they die.
All that said, I just want to be happy. I wish I could like and love my family and myself. I just don't. I wish I could forgive them, but the left me behind and don't give a s###.
I know I'm a sick person, and I wish I wasn't. But this is who I've become and how I feel.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm with Carlotta.
At this point you are your own worst enemy.
It is up to you to change your thinking. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
You're going to feel a lot better the further away from your last drink you get. Hang in there.
At this point you are your own worst enemy.
It is up to you to change your thinking. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
You're going to feel a lot better the further away from your last drink you get. Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
I don't know how to deal with pain, and people who have caused me pain. I have been trying to get therapy but I'm uninsured and waiting on medicade to try and get therapy.
My heart is full of pain and love and when I'm messed up I can forget it all.
I don't want to self medicate. That's my only coping mechanism right now.
In my future I'd like to be sober and never have contact with the toxic people that I've grown up with.
Getting help isn't easy. They don't have daycare any AA near me.
My heart is full of pain and love and when I'm messed up I can forget it all.
I don't want to self medicate. That's my only coping mechanism right now.
In my future I'd like to be sober and never have contact with the toxic people that I've grown up with.
Getting help isn't easy. They don't have daycare any AA near me.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Serotonin 
I know I'm a sick person, and I wish I wasn't. But this is who I've become and how I feel.
Congrats on your 2nd day, btw.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
It's absolutely your right to sever contact with people who continue to treat you poorly after you've told them to stop. I had to move 3000 miles away and limit contact.
There are often kids at AA meetings. Go to one (choose an Open meeting, they allow people other than alcoholics) and at least buy the AA Big Book - read it and try to apply it to your life.
It's up to you to handle your resentments in a way that doesn't continue to cause you pain.
Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts.
There are often kids at AA meetings. Go to one (choose an Open meeting, they allow people other than alcoholics) and at least buy the AA Big Book - read it and try to apply it to your life.
It's up to you to handle your resentments in a way that doesn't continue to cause you pain.
Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
I suggest wishing isn't anything at all like taking responsibility for ourselves. Feelings are important, and yet they eventually too must be owned as being within the realm of our responsibilities. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. Can you appreciate the possibilities of changing out your feelings?
Congrats on your 2nd day, btw.
Congrats on your 2nd day, btw.
The only thing I am somewhat certain of is that is I need help and I can't just do it on my own. I also know self medicating will continue to compound my problems.
I'm exhausted by trying to genuinely find help I need.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I hope you step up and tell someone how unstable you are currently and that possibly you should be spending less time w/your son while you are under these conditions.
Your resentment and anger are hurting one person, you. You cannot change what has past, but you can change the future.
I encourage you to check out what resources you may have for therapy. Here there are places that if you don't have any or enough income you can get therapy for as little as $5 per session. It's worth checking into.
You can do this. Don't let the actions of others ruin your own opportunity to heal and have the life you deserve.
Your resentment and anger are hurting one person, you. You cannot change what has past, but you can change the future.
I encourage you to check out what resources you may have for therapy. Here there are places that if you don't have any or enough income you can get therapy for as little as $5 per session. It's worth checking into.
You can do this. Don't let the actions of others ruin your own opportunity to heal and have the life you deserve.
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 2,156
You need to get to meetings; real bad. Go early, stay late, talk to others and tell them you're a newcomer. You'll find lots of other people there that just want to be happy too!
Alcoholics Anonymous : Find Local A.A.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Find Local A.A.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by Serotonin
I just want to be happy. I wish I could like and love my family and myself. I just don't. I wish I could forgive them, but the left me behind and don't give a s###.
I know I'm a sick person, and I wish I wasn't. But this is who I've become and how I feel.
I know I'm a sick person, and I wish I wasn't. But this is who I've become and how I feel.
I was like you and my brother is actually going through the same thing now. I am not sure if you are sober or if so how long, so I will be gentle - or try.
For me, I had much abuse in my early years. From 6 years old though 15 actually. I learned how to escape through addiction and these were widespread from substance to behavioral. I had a rage inside of me so black that when I see red I could not control myself. This has resulted in many fights in my life, some where I have severely maimed others and one where my friend got his throat slashed and I held him while he bled out.
I had to put down the drink and drugs to start to get well. But that was just the beginning for me. Through much work, all of which is chronicled here, I peeled and continue to remove layers of my onion to get down to the deep pain. For me these were fears and resentments in my youth. Much was due to the emotional abuse I suffered from my mother and the emasculation of my father in front of me.
I found AA's 12 steps liberating to share these deep secrets with another human, my sponsor and shining light on otherwise dark skeletons has been helpful. They are not as scary in the light but have been pretty damaging to me.
Now, almost a year into this process I find I struggle with my ideals and whether they were truly mine to begin with. I used to put people up on pedestals and have certain expectations. This set them up for me being disappointed. But the problem was always in me, as they were my expectations. This fueled my anger towards others when I was really angry at myself.
If your like me and relate to my story, then I will be the first to tell you that my anger towards others was quite misguided and was from denial and inability to admit that I was the problem. When I put down my defenses and surrendered to this disease I was able to start my journey. I hope you can start yours too!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 383
First off, you are not a POS - you are a human being worthy of the life you possess. I understand the self-hatred - been there and still have to watch that, but trust me, self-directed anger leads to very bad places. Be aware that the language you use carries emotional, mental and spiritual weight. When you call yourself a POS, you get to feel the emotional pain of it whether you recognize it or not, and that leads to using again to deal with that. In sobriety we shoot for more even-keel -- you're disappointed in yourself right now - okay, that's fine - we can work with that. But POS you are not.
The worst part of addiction is the mental suffering. Most of us are tough - been through stuff - but it's hard to keep pushing when your own brain is filling your head with a list of fears and anger. This can be sorted out, but it will take some help. Most of us have found things don't start to turn around until we stop fighting the truth - that we need help. There must be some sort of resource in your area to locate a meeting or therapy. You are in need of it, as we all are.
And remember that as an addict/alcoholic, your feelings will be particularly strong where you are right now - having only a couple days in. Please get some help so you can stop putting yourself through this cycle...
The worst part of addiction is the mental suffering. Most of us are tough - been through stuff - but it's hard to keep pushing when your own brain is filling your head with a list of fears and anger. This can be sorted out, but it will take some help. Most of us have found things don't start to turn around until we stop fighting the truth - that we need help. There must be some sort of resource in your area to locate a meeting or therapy. You are in need of it, as we all are.
And remember that as an addict/alcoholic, your feelings will be particularly strong where you are right now - having only a couple days in. Please get some help so you can stop putting yourself through this cycle...
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Serotonin
I appreciate your response. Emotionally I'm a 34 year old child inside. I don't know how to change my feelings. I would like to forgive my father for beating the hell out of me all the time, but I don't know how. I'd like to help myself but I don't know how. From what I've witnessed he's the same man he was when I was a child, just like my mother.
The only thing I am somewhat certain of is that is I need help and I can't just do it on my own. I also know self medicating will continue to compound my problems.
I'm exhausted by trying to genuinely find help I need.
The only thing I am somewhat certain of is that is I need help and I can't just do it on my own. I also know self medicating will continue to compound my problems.
I'm exhausted by trying to genuinely find help I need.
I understand you to mean your inner child is front and center in your life as an adult. This was true for me too. In time, the child in me learned to trust the adult in me, and this really made such a difference in my enjoyment of life.
Good on you for posting. Your honesty is refreshing. I hope you discover how supportive SR can be for you as you journey into a happy and safe sobriety which eventually will surpass your expectations, and allow for you to live free and happy no matter the harshness of your past experiences.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Originally Posted by Serotonin
I appreciate your response. Emotionally I'm a 34 year old child inside. I don't know how to change my feelings. I would like to forgive my father for beating the hell out of me all the time, but I don't know how. I'd like to help myself but I don't know how. From what I've witnessed he's the same man he was when I was a child, just like my mother.
The only thing I am somewhat certain of is that is I need help and I can't just do it on my own. I also know self medicating will continue to compound my problems.
I'm exhausted by trying to genuinely find help I need.
The only thing I am somewhat certain of is that is I need help and I can't just do it on my own. I also know self medicating will continue to compound my problems.
I'm exhausted by trying to genuinely find help I need.
Hi. I hope you can find peace soon as you certainly deserve it. When I got to AA I had anger and resentments and the good people there understood my pain. They suggested to do things I balked at and eventually tried.
I never was or am today a religious person though I believe in a higher power or spirit.
The suggestion given me was to pray for the person. HUH? I almost wanted to kill and I should pray for them? Well I did each time my resentment intensified and I started to feel better! It takes time and practice but lets face it, it took awhile to arrive at the point we are with the amounts of alcohol we consumed to reduce our emotions to where they are. Hang on it can be a great experience, this getting sober.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Rocky Mountains
Posts: 115
Step one is to stay sober. Put some days together. Your thinking is clouded by substances still at a couple of days sober. I wasn't equipped to make great decisions about eating nutritious food when I was at that stage let alone some of the heavy life issues you have going on. Be willing to do anything and everything to stay sober. After some time your brain will start to clear a bit and then you can develop a plan on some of your relationships. That's in the future. Stay in the sober now. I'm pulling for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
well its been one of the best posts i have read in a long time thank you op
you my friend reminded me of me 10 years ago big time
i was angry at the world and hated everyone in it, it was so unfair my life was in such a dam mess and if others hadnt done what they did i wouldnt be in this mess or pain
my kids got taken off me and my ex wife as our drinking and fighting was way out of control
those bastard social workers how dare they take my kids away from me, i hated them,
i hated the police who arrested me when i tried to kidnap my kids back and take them home drunk,
how dare they say i was a danger to my kids i loved me kids
i hated everything.
10 years on the social workers did the right thing they protected my kids from me and my ex it was us who were in the wrong not them.
only when i sobered up and cleared my head a bit thanks to aa and the people in it did they take a different look at me and give me a chance with my kids again
i have had them back now for 9 years and proved to be the best single dad in the world as far as my kids go and even the faith the social workers put in me
life has been far from easy for me over all these sober years and i have had a huge job on with changing my thinking and how i react to the world its been a slow job but the result has been peace of mind and losing the hate and the anger
you said you hate your dad and yet you run the risk of passing that hate on to your own son and he will end up hating you
its a long hard slog ahead to change but change is a must if you truely want to find how to live a happy or contented life
with back problems how on earth are you getting money to live ? if your without work then you going to have a lot of free time on your hands doing nothing which isnt going to help
when i was out of work i went to aa meetings day and night thats what kept me sober for a long time it got me out of my empty flat and got me into mixing withe people like me
i used to share my pain over the table and i would feel a release from that pain for a short while and leave the meetings much happier only to go back to my empty flat and have that hate and my head to deal with over and over again
i had to say the serenity prayer in my head over and over again, later on i had to think about what the words ment and try to see were it says except the things i can not change that my pain i was causing or fear was because i couldn't change something. if i can not change anything i have to accept it
dont worry about the word god being in the serenity prayer as i dont believe in a god and i just used to leave that word out, it works just the same so long as i think of what the words mean.
your dad is your dad you can not change him nor what he has done as the past is the past
so accept you dont have any power to change anything that has happend and let it go
write it down and a piece of paper get all that hate out and then burn it and let it go
its gone in a puff of smoke : )
these are the things i had to just try to do in early days to cope with the anger and resentments
i never want to go back to were you are my freind as recovery is so dam hard its not just about putting the drink down its learning how to let things go or living again with a world ful of anger and resentment
i dont want that back in my life i am happy were i am today not perfect but never will be but i am sober and content with my lot
you can you if you want it aa works is all i can say
good luck to you
you my friend reminded me of me 10 years ago big time
i was angry at the world and hated everyone in it, it was so unfair my life was in such a dam mess and if others hadnt done what they did i wouldnt be in this mess or pain
my kids got taken off me and my ex wife as our drinking and fighting was way out of control
those bastard social workers how dare they take my kids away from me, i hated them,
i hated the police who arrested me when i tried to kidnap my kids back and take them home drunk,
how dare they say i was a danger to my kids i loved me kids
i hated everything.
10 years on the social workers did the right thing they protected my kids from me and my ex it was us who were in the wrong not them.
only when i sobered up and cleared my head a bit thanks to aa and the people in it did they take a different look at me and give me a chance with my kids again
i have had them back now for 9 years and proved to be the best single dad in the world as far as my kids go and even the faith the social workers put in me
life has been far from easy for me over all these sober years and i have had a huge job on with changing my thinking and how i react to the world its been a slow job but the result has been peace of mind and losing the hate and the anger
you said you hate your dad and yet you run the risk of passing that hate on to your own son and he will end up hating you
its a long hard slog ahead to change but change is a must if you truely want to find how to live a happy or contented life
with back problems how on earth are you getting money to live ? if your without work then you going to have a lot of free time on your hands doing nothing which isnt going to help
when i was out of work i went to aa meetings day and night thats what kept me sober for a long time it got me out of my empty flat and got me into mixing withe people like me
i used to share my pain over the table and i would feel a release from that pain for a short while and leave the meetings much happier only to go back to my empty flat and have that hate and my head to deal with over and over again
i had to say the serenity prayer in my head over and over again, later on i had to think about what the words ment and try to see were it says except the things i can not change that my pain i was causing or fear was because i couldn't change something. if i can not change anything i have to accept it
dont worry about the word god being in the serenity prayer as i dont believe in a god and i just used to leave that word out, it works just the same so long as i think of what the words mean.
your dad is your dad you can not change him nor what he has done as the past is the past
so accept you dont have any power to change anything that has happend and let it go
write it down and a piece of paper get all that hate out and then burn it and let it go
its gone in a puff of smoke : )
these are the things i had to just try to do in early days to cope with the anger and resentments
i never want to go back to were you are my freind as recovery is so dam hard its not just about putting the drink down its learning how to let things go or living again with a world ful of anger and resentment
i dont want that back in my life i am happy were i am today not perfect but never will be but i am sober and content with my lot
you can you if you want it aa works is all i can say
good luck to you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
I'm not sure how to change the way I feel other than to stay sober and take accountability for my actions and let go of resentments. I imagine it will take a long time for my feelings to change naturally and to truly let go of the past.
How can't I control my feelings? I'm guessing sobriety and actions first and feeling will follow naturally.
I am 2 days sober. That's something. I have no confidence. About all I know is I don't want to do to my son what my father and mother did to me.
How can't I control my feelings? I'm guessing sobriety and actions first and feeling will follow naturally.
I am 2 days sober. That's something. I have no confidence. About all I know is I don't want to do to my son what my father and mother did to me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: in the city by the bay
Posts: 605
First step just get and stay sober. The rest you can deal with better when you are off drugs and alcohol. Lots of issues but you can't even start to deal with them until you are clean. And you will never deal with them until you are clean. You will just continue burying them with drugs and alcohol and all those unresolved issues will fester inside.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Originally Posted by Serotonin
I'm not sure how to change the way I feel other than to stay sober and take accountability for my actions and let go of resentments.
Try to remember that you don't have to remain angry and bitter. It will take some work to change, but it's possible.
And of course, staying sober is the first step to letting go of the baggage you don't need to carry.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Originally Posted by Serotonin
I'm not sure how to change the way I feel other than to stay sober and take accountability for my actions and let go of resentments. I imagine it will take a long time for my feelings to change naturally and to truly let go of the past.
How can't I control my feelings? I'm guessing sobriety and actions first and feeling will follow naturally.
I am 2 days sober. That's something. I have no confidence. About all I know is I don't want to do to my son what my father and mother did to me.
How can't I control my feelings? I'm guessing sobriety and actions first and feeling will follow naturally.
I am 2 days sober. That's something. I have no confidence. About all I know is I don't want to do to my son what my father and mother did to me.
You don’t have to when you’re sober. The project now is to become sober.
The serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Many use it in time of stress, saying it many times and looking at its full meaning. Has helped me in times of need many times.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Hi Serotonin, I am at a similar stage of life as you. I am 37 and struggling to maintain sobriety. I have already lost everything I had to my alcoholism. My career, my house, my girlfriend, my car, and my health were all taken by addiction. However, I am sober and I now realize I was terribly unhappy all my life. My family is somewhat estranged from me, but like you, I don't really care. If they were to die in a plane crash my first thought would also be about if they left me anything.
I am working with a therapist right now and she has been a huge help. A lot of my issues stem from childhood too. I suggest maybe looking into a therapist to help you sort out old traumas. The booze and weed are just masking your pain but you can get sober and deal with that, then live a happy, fulfilling life with your son.
I am working with a therapist right now and she has been a huge help. A lot of my issues stem from childhood too. I suggest maybe looking into a therapist to help you sort out old traumas. The booze and weed are just masking your pain but you can get sober and deal with that, then live a happy, fulfilling life with your son.
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