ScottFromWI

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting that. But the reality is you can't want/wish/make him get sober. He will have to make that decision and seek help on his own no matter what you do. And you have to accept the possibility that he may never do so - and simply continue to drink.

What you can do is take care of yourself - if things work out for both of you all the better, and if he continues on his path you are better prepared to deal with things on your own.

FT

Oh, I totally get all that!

My question was more about your friend who you said does NOT qualify as an alcoholic.

I do have a personal opinion about who and who is not an alcoholic. I believe there is a spectrum of alcoholism, anywhere from "problem drinkers" to those with acetaldehydism (enzyme deficiency caused alcoholism).

My definition is simply if alcohol is adversely affecting your life in ANY way, you are an alcoholic. I just wondered about your friend. I think he's an alcoholic.

KAD

I've stopped drinking on my own many times, but what was missing was whatever was needed to maintain sobriety. The last time I quit was the only time I sought help from my doctor because the withdrawals were feeling increasingly dangerous. IMO, if your husband is getting the shakes when he stops and regularly drinks to the point of blackout, he is at that place where he will need help getting sober. The next hurdle is the biggest though: staying sober.

None of that is your responsibility, BTW. You are absolutely doing the right thing by getting away from him.

PurpleKnight

Not that I agree that people can't get Sober on their own, as I did myself, but until you see some results I'd be skeptical!! . . . alcoholics talk a lot, plenty of times without much action!!

Be safe!!

littlesister1

He is a full blown alky

Until you admit to yourself that he is out of control and dangerous as hell then you are putting your head in the sand

trez

At the risk of getting into semantics, by "qualifying as an alcoholic" I mean engaging in drinking that most people would consider to be drinking alcoholically. And by that I mean drinking in the morning, getting blackout drunk, chronic drinking, four day binges, etc.

My first friend who sobered up on his own got a DUI after he fell off of a barstool he was so hammered and then tried to drive home. He would frequently black out.

My other friend didn't drink all that much to begin with, just fruity rum drinks from time to time. He rarely got hammered. So, I'd imagine it was easier for him to sober up because drinking wasn't a part of his life and it didn't make his life unmanageable.

cherra

I've not posted anything about a "friend". All of my post have been about my husband and our family. Oh now I get it. You were talking to Trez. I'm still figuring out how this all works!

FT

I apologize cherra.

You should be able to presume that all posts are directed at you, the OP (Original Poster), unless they are "addressed" to somebody else.

That was my error!

newwestdork

I've stopped drinking on my own for short periods of time, but the only time I've been able to MAINTAIN sobriety for even moderate periods of time is with support from AA.

gaffo

I stopped by myself then found SR. I don't know if I could have made it without you guys. It's really hard. I don't feel comfortable with the local AA but I can definitely see the value of such a program, it has certainly helped many of my friends to quit and stay quit. If I had to pick one thing above all others that others helped me with it is the reinforcement of the idea/reality that it gets easier and better the longer you stay sober. Nothing is improved by staying drunk, it only gets worse.

Dee74

I quit without a programme just using SR, so it's certainly possible.

I think in your case tho, your husband sounds like he needs all the help he can get.
I don't mean that in a judgmental way either - I've followed your threads - I really think he would benefit from some face to face help, and counselling.

Unfortunately none of us here can make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

I am pleased you're still thinking about your own welfare tho Cherra - thats great

D

freshstart57

Most drinkers quit by deciding to do it, and then doing it. I don't know if this is willpower, but choosing to no longer drink is a real and effective way to quit drinking.

Baloney. We aren't born with this helplessness, it is learned. Our bodies heal themselves daily, and our minds do too.

Lots of people quit without programs, in fact, most of us do. Cherra, your husband can quit drinking, but claiming to be fixin' to be tryin' to be decidin' to quit drinking doesn't fill me with a lot of confidence. Especially with the widespread popular mythology that we see in the western media. If he were to understand that he can quit drinking, he would have a much better shot. Some counseling for both of you, separately and together, sounds to me like a great place to start. Best to you.

telwood

A small number (very small) of people can stop drinking all on their own. My father did after getting into a lot of trouble with a DWI. The problem is that you become a "dry drunk"...restless, irritable and discontent. Dry drunks can be more unhappy and harder to deal with then active drunks. There's a bad track record for people doing it on their own.

caboblanco

just SR....in a way we all get sober by ourselves though..I don't think we can rely on anyone else to get sober..maybe they can soften the blow though

gardendiva

I decided not to drink anymore and quit on my own.

I use the techniques in Jack Trimpey's The Small Book, this site, and the Agnostic AA site and chat room.

You are doing the right thing staying away from him until he puts some real effort and time into sobriety.

caboblanco

this is simply not true...not in the least. some of us feel we need or look for support some of us don't..that's all..but most heavy drinkers fix their habit on their own..meaning without use of a program..website..etc..

Afteralcohol

Yup, while I agree that the OP's husband probably needs outside help - and in fact, his promise to 'try' sounds like it's coming from a desire not to lose his family, not a real understanding of his addiction - I have to agree with cabo on the last point. I quit on my own, with the help of my own blog and the sober blog community in general. I don't 'work steps' and I'm not a dry drunk, or miserable to be around. It's not that binary.

Ken33xx

In or out of AA everyone has periods of being a "dry drunk" it comes with the territory if being human.

However, what I need ask myself is how long will I allow myself to wallow in self-pity before taking action? (And if I am unsure of the action how long before I ask for help.)

After 20 years in the program I don't get too bogged down about what is or isn't the solution. I just get off my ass and try to do something construction.

Sobriety has given me a new life and with that often comes a full plate of quality problems. Difficulties to be sure. However, I never forget where I was when I came in.

But back to the question at hand... can anyone get sober by themselves?

My uncle did.

He stopped drinking when the doctor told him he had liver trouble. Was he a dry drunk? Not anymore than anyone else as far as I could tell. He led a busy life and chased his dreams to the end.

However, I need meetings. I don't need to attend everyday but I like to go once or twice a week if I can.

Jupiters

I was going to say, when I hear this term I think "um, everyone, EVERYONE has these periods in life, it's called being a human"
alcoholic or not, people in all walks of life suffer from this crap.
Some choose to do something about it, some choose to wallow in it.

SnoozyQ

It is possible to do it on your own . But it takes real commitment and a true desire to stop . There is absolutely nothing anyone can do unless the alcoholic has a willingness to stop .

I really hope things work out for you , take care xxxxx