norcal4runner

Hey all. I've been lurking for a while but this seemed like a very supportive community with lots of good people so I decided to make an account.

I'm currently only 2 days sober. Still rough, and havent even had the appetite for much food the last 2 days but managed to eat a salad last night. Just been drinking lots of water, green tea and Emergen C vitamin packets with water. Trying to get hydrated, which seems impossible at this point.

I've been a drinker since I was 15 years old. 28 now. I have always been a binge drinker. Most of my years drinking I would drink heavily on Friday and Saturday and stay sober the rest of the week. Spent most of my 20s doing this. I was also working in traveling sales from 2006-2010 and everyone that worked for the company was an alcoholic. Long hours on the road and long hours working trade shows left us all very thirsty and ready to hit the bar every night we got to a new town or city. It was exciting to drink and meet new people in so many different cities.

But a snowball of bad things happened in my life starting around 2010. I went from only drinking 2-3 times a week to finding myself drinking almost daily. A year ago I admitted myself to a 30 day rehab with pressure from my family. It was a confusing time for me, and I felt like my entire life had fallen apart. But I comitted myself to the 12 steps and AA, and remained sober for several months after coming out of the rehab.

I have suffered from depression since about 2010ish when all the **** went down in my life. I live in a college town, and my friends and family are all 100 miles away. I only have a few friends down here, more associates and coworkers than people I can actually hang out with outside of work/school.

So I just started getting lonely, and decided I could be a "gentleman drinker". I kept it up for several months, being responsible and not overdoing it.

But about 2-3 months ago, and I am fairly convinced it was the alcohol that was behind it, my depression got really bad. I rapidly descended into almost daily drinking again. For the first time in my life, I started drinking in the mornings sometimes as early as 10 am. It got to the point where if I didn't keep drinking day in and day out, I would get incredibly sick. This was a first for me. I was one of those people that never got hangovers. So to suddenly get sick for an entire day, unable to eat or drink, should have been a wake up call for me, but it wasn't. I continued to spiral downward, and then caught myself. I got sober again for a week here, month there. But continued to trick myself into thinking I could be a responsible drinker when deep down inside I knew I couldn't.

Then about 2 months ago, the second to last time I tried to get sober, I got so sick I had just about every symptom of withdrawls, which I had never really experienced before. I went to the ER because I was so dehydrated I just wanted an IV so I could rehydrate because I couldn't keep fluids down. After the doctor ran tests on me, he came up to me and said "How much do you ******* drink?!!"

I told him honestly about a fifth of vodka every 1-2 days. Turns out my last binge had inflamed my pancreas and I had signs of cirrosis of the liver - at age 28. He told me I had to stop drinking NOW. So I did. For another month. Then I slipped right back into it. And just as everyone warned me. Every time I slipped back in, it has gotten worse. Now on this last binge, it got to the point where I started to get dizzy when I'd drink a lot. Very wierd feeling. I ran through all of last week in a drunken haze. I don't really remember anything from Monday-Thurs. Friday and Saturday I decided I was going to use the last of my stash to slowly ween myself down instead of going straight cold turkey. Seems to have worked. No more shakes, DTs, sweating seems to have subsided, and I'm keeping liquid and food down. Not nearly as bad as the last time. Just still feel really dehydrated.

Anyway, sorry for the long winded post. This just helps me to get this off my chest. I feel ashamed to tell my family the full extent of my problem. But other addicts understand and can offer insight, so I thought I'd make my first post here a way for me to release. I've restarted AA, and I am committed this time to staying sober. I know I can do it, and I know if I don't, my family will abandon me and I'll be dead in a year or two. I'm at rock bottom and I want to climb back out. So thanks for reading and I look forward to being a member of this community.

zjw

2 days aint bad. You gotta stick to the sober thing no matter the reason you wanna drink. good habits are kept by keeping them you cant deviate then you get stung. for people like us drinking is like poison if you drank clorox it might be safer for you then booze least one swig of that you'd say ew yuck and never bother swallowing.

Be care with the shame tho. My advice would be to move forward one day at a time worry about today. Sometimes we gotta shrug off our past mistakes failures etc.. and just move forward dont drag that along with you to bring you down.

I watched a documentary on kenyan runners the one looses a race he says oh well Tommorrow I'll break the record or I'll win the next race no biggie. He had a great attitude towards defeat. He was like so what it just wasnt my day you win some you loose some let it roll off your back and move forward dont beat yourself up.

easier said then done but its the best way to combat the shame.

You've learned you cant drink. You've learned you cant moderate. You've learned you cant drink like a gentlemen. You could tango with the booze and see what else you can learn the hard way or you can say no thanks I'll pass i'm sick of getting bit by that poison!.

It took me a lot of nonsense to finally toss in the towell and give up on my good friend beer. He never played fair! the panic attacks in the end did me in I couldnt do it anymore.

lifes much better without booze.

Waterfalls2014

Hi runner, welcome! I just joined a few days ago and this forum seems to be a great place to get things off your chest so chat away. Congrats on your decision. I read something once that's stuck with me - it's a great life and it can be yours. Best wishes!

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum norcal4runner!!

You'll find loads of support and advice here on SR, great to have you onboard!!

GreenColor

This is a great place for support. You'll find people who drink a lot more than you and people who drink a lot less than you. You'll find many other people who have had the same exact experiences as you and how they are dealing with it or how they dealt with it. You'll find people who are still struggling to kick the habit, some who just recently quit, and some who have been sober for over 20 years. Welcome.

ScottFromWI

Welcome runner. Glad you are reaching out and thanks for sharing your story. A lot of us have been in similar situations and we do understand. Admitting that I cannot control my driniking was the first step. I was stuck in a cycle of quitting, trying to moderate, rinse and repeat. SR has become my main mode of support, I hope you can find the help you need here as well.

RecklessEric

Hi Runner.
I fooled around with ideas of moderating. I'm just finished day one again.
There are people who learn to moderate but I can't go through all the hell trying to figure it out.
It's not worth it for me.
And I could kill myself before ever figuring it out.

NightsWatch

Welcome norcal! I too thought I could moderate my drinking, but after having a few binge sessions two weekends ago and the resulting withdrawal symptoms afterwards (symptoms I don't recall having when I was binging more regularly), I realized that my body is saying, "no more". I'm scared to get tests done, but I know my body isn't in good shape (before I tried to tell myself that it's just because I'm getting old). I can't believe I did this to myself, over and over again, but that's what I did. Your body wants you to stop. It's a matter of listening to it and taking care of it.

Glad you found us! Good luck and keep posting how you're doing. It definitely helps to talk with other people who know how it feels.

norcal4runner

Thank you all for the kind words. It means more than you could know. I struggled with the notion I could some day drink normal but the last 2 months have proven to me that I just can't do it. Lots of inspiration and being able to talk to others with the same problems I do is so helpful.

Day 2 is over, on to day 3! Cheers.

nandm

Hi and welcome to SR. I am glad you are here.

I saw some similarities in your story. I am glad to see you are back in a program of recovery as that can be a great tool in the recovery process. I know I was unable to find sobriety without a recovery program. I am also glad to see you here at SR. SR has been a wonderful tool and support in my recovery over the years. I wish you the very best on your journey and hope to see more of your posts.

norcal4runner

Thank you Nandm. I finally got some decent sleep (4 hours) last night but woke up feeling 10 times better than yesterday and 20 times better than day 1.

I sat outside in the early morning sun, drank some coffee, had a smoke, and read a story in the Big Book. I'm in the "They Lost Nearly All" section and the story I read in particular was very powerful. I sat out in the sun for about an hour and just felt so thankful to be alive to enjoy this. I think I will start my day like this every day. Take 30 minutes or so to just take in the world around me. It is so worth living for.

Gonnachange

Welcome. Is there a local running club that you can join? Get to know a group of people in the area who have a similar interest, I assume by your screen name, that is healthy.

norcal4runner

I'm not actually a runner lol. I injured my knee about 10 years ago so I can ride bikes but can't run for very long. Its actually a reference to my 1985 Toyota 4Runner. I'm a Toyota nut haha.

Sudz No More

Welcome Norcal, glad you are joining us here. I think you'll find having that support net will make you feel a lot stronger the next time you want to give in. The key is harder than it sounds which we all know is just don't drink anymore and you'll be ok.

Watch that 90 day pothole or you might trip and fall in it, that sucker is huge. Biggest ditch I ever had to jump was 90 days. I must have tripped in that thing 10 times but I always climbed out. Just try to remind yourself it's there as you approach.

Don't get complacent and ride those early cravings out, you can do it.

Gonnachange

Oooops. :-)

I've had two Toyotas; a 1981 Celica which was the first new car I ever bought and eventually gave it to my brother in law. The second was a Camry that I bought for my daughter when she got her license. So far so good with both of them.

Sorry to read about your knee.

Robin66

Norcal, Your story made me tear up a little. We have some similarities. I was a binge drinker too. (Well, I'm only on day 10, so probably shouldn't use the word "was" already!)

I'm really rooting for you. I know you can do this. Please take one day (or in my case one moment) at a time. Do whatever it takes to do this. We can do it this time.

Good luck. You deserve the best life has to offer. I have faith in you. Robin
P.S. I love Toyotas too. Drove a RAV4 for 9 years and sold it recently. Best car I've ever had.

AnotherAlkie

We have a very similar story, except I have only been an alcoholic for three years. I feel like I drank enough for 20, though. My last relapse was the first time I really realized I was going to die before I turned 36. In the direct aftermath I wrote this to myself, it helps me when the steps feel too abstract. I never want to feel like this again:

Dear ___, never forget the price of the sedation you think you love:

Your pet went without water and your husband found you passed out -- again

The guilt and despair you felt was as if someone had died

And you killed them

But you wish you were the dead one.

You left a full body sweat spot on the couch that smells like whiskey.

Your kidneys hurt.

Your liver is visibly swollen

This is unhealthy and makes you look fat.

You drank 3,000 in calories.

Now you are throwing them all up.

Your face is bloated and you have a double chin.

Your bones are sore.

You keep brushing but your teeth feel like rot.

In fact your whole mouth feels like something died in it.

You are experiencing a delay in verbalizing your thoughts.

God, you look tired, and you are tired, but you can't sleep.

Or eat. You never want to eat again.

You probably f-ed your stomach lining.

You are scared of the damage you've done to your body.

You are scared for your personal and financial future.

You're not happy doing anything. Nothing gives you comfort.

You are more terrified now than you were when you drank to stop the anxiety.

Hawkeye13

I want to tell you that I dreaded giving up alcohol more than just about anything in life.

It had been my go to way of dealing with pain, having fun, and getting through long days.

Realizing I could no longer drink ever (moderation kept failing) was like a friend dying.

Today, I have accumulated nearly three years of sobriety (one last brief relapse "moderation" experiment last August) and my life has never been better.

The health issues, the fear and paranoia, the inability to sleep, the guilt and stress of what did I do or say drunk, the horrible hangovers, the bloated red face,
the worry about managing my drinks to have enough to last the day or night, are all gone.

In its place is peace, restful sleep, a calmer mind, a healthier body, and the knowledge that I do have the power to choose whether to drink or not.

I am in a better place physically, emotionally, and financially (booze is expensive and you don't do extra things to earn as it cuts into drinking time) than I have ever been.
I wake up early every morning knowing what I did or said, without a hangover, and have many things which have taken the place of drinking to fill my life with, like playing music,
yoga, the gym, time with my spouse and pets, hiking in the forest, floating in my pool.

All of these things have become what my life is about now, and I don't miss alcohol or drinking at all anymore.

In other words, it is worth the upfront pain and mental stress you feel right now to get to the other side to peace and sobriety.
I only wish I had quit at 28. I know that seems like such a lifetime of being denied drinking, but it really is a huge opportunity to live a long and happy sober life.

Start planning and filling your days with dreams and activities you wanted to do, or start again, and don't look back. Sitting on the sofa not drinking is not living either.

What do you want your life to be about, and start making that happen now to make it a reality

norcal4runner

Thank you Robin. I know you can do it too and have faith. We CAN do it this time and you deserve the best life has to offer as well. I'm only six days behind you, better not let me catch up.

Rav4s are great little cars. I noticed in your profile you volunteer at an animal shelter. I also work with animals. I volunteer with a local dog rescue and foster dogs when I can. Helping animals (and being there for mine most of all) was one of the biggest things that kept me motivated to try and stop drinking, and is one thing I look forward to continuing to an even greater extent and ability in sobriety.

In a sense, alcoholics/addicts are a lot like homeless animals. We are both trapped in seemingly hopeless prisons and we just want to be freed. The only difference is only one has the power to free us both.

Wow.. that hits home more than you could know. Thank you. If you don't mind, I'd like to save that to use for myself.

I cut down the quote as not to post another loooong post lol (too late). But it is crazy to me how much I identify with what you said. Accepting that I can no longer drink period is one thing I am still struggling with, but determined to come to terms with.

Its funny you mention what you can do now without wasting money on booze. That was one thing that always lingered in the back of my mind. I used to be able to afford to do all my hobbies. Before I was an alcoholic, I was a hobbyaholic. I like to build and tinker with things. Over time, the more I drank, the more of my hobbies became abandoned as I blew more and more $$$ on alcohol.

I actually had quite the moment of excitement earlier today. I was looking at all my abandoned remote control car projects sitting on the shelves. I had been contemplating selling them to make some extra cash (you know as well as I do what most of it would have been blown on) for the last few months and then it dawned on me: I can actually rebuild, fix, and finish ALL of them with the amount of money I will be saving. They may be toys but they ain't cheap, especially when you drive em like I do haha. The more I thought about it, the more things I realized I will have the money for once I'm fully clean and sober. It is great motivation to think about what I will be able to do without wasting the time, money, illness, and excuses on alcohol. I look forward to being where you are ... a better place physically, emotionally, and financially.

Thank you all for your replies and support, it means a lot.

Dee74

I can't really add to the excellent experience being shared here except to say - welcome

I could never envision me living without alcohol - now I honestly don't know how I lived with it.

It's never too late to turn things around - welcome

D