Petewill

Hello,
Don't want to start off complaining about how much I am not enjoying my recovery of 17 months, however, I seem to be in the same pattern or mindset for the longest time. I am now thinking I don't see how I can be happy in recovery, as I don't feel a higher power working through me or for me. I am just resentful, miserable, jealous, lonely, etc.. it seems like all of the other people in my AA program feel their higher power (or what they define it as) and it seems to be working for them. me, an empty shell most of the time.(disconnected) And I do see a therapist and I take meds, in case anybody was wondering. maybe I need to up them? Some of you have read my posts before and you most likely think I am whining again. yeah, still very lonely(alone) went on some dates, no spark.. something is wrong with me.. I don't seem to connect to anyone.. It's hard to understand what my flaw actually is, I have work, place to live, somewhat decent looking, nice family.. now, i'm whining..

Dee74

The point is I remember when you were drinking - and a job, a place to live, being with your family and going on some dates (even if they didn't work out) is a million miles from where you were, man

Have you finished those steps yet Pete?

D

Coldfusion

I don't like to talk about what goes on at meetings or with my sponsor, but let me just say that it is my impression that most people have some feelings of disconnectedness with their higher power. Also, I have noticed a difference in willingness to be open about this depending on which meeting I am attending.

Are you somewhere that you could go to other meetings? I think if I did not like my local meetings, I would put in the effort to travel to at least one meeting a week (I live on an island).

desypete

ok i see this a lot in aa when people come down from a honey moon period in aa when everything in life is great now there sober and then it all falls flat

people seem to expect some sort of flash of light and they will change into a happy joyus and free sort of person but do not have to do anything about it other than turn up at a meeting

i was the same about 2 years into aa and i was moaning because i felt lonely, i had no women and i wanted one as i thought that would make me happy joyus and free lol

so i tried it and ended up with all sorts of trouble that lead to heartache

so that didnt work for me

what i had to do was work my 12step daily into my life and belive me its hard to do as my head would tell me i dont want to do those things

i used aa meetings as my practise ground for 12th step work, i went around the rooms in my area that has a high turn out of new comers so i could try to help the new comer
i also was a group memeber in aa and did service work that way as well

practise some 12th step work and you will start to feel a lot better about yourself, suddenly you will start to forget about your own life as such and become more concerned with how someone else is getting on

it really does work but we have to work for it
if we sit back and do nothing then nothing will ever change
i lost my son 2 years ago and its killed me but if it wasnt for new comers i wouldnt still be around today as slowly i have had to get back out there to help others and its helped me so much to cope with my loss

it takes me out of my own pain, the hard part is defeating the head that will try to make up excuses as to why you can not help anyone as there might be a game on tv tonight you want to watch lol

give it a try what have you got to lose

Soberwolf

Good luck petewill 17 months is amazing ive just reached 16 months

Charmie

Have you taken the steps?

Ken33xx

Don't compare you're sobriety with others. Emotional sobriety is the ability to balance the ups and downs of life and not necessarily trying to convince yourself you need to be happy, joyous and free all the time.

Maybe try a few different meetings.

What you don't want to do is pick up a drink or drug. That's short term smarts and won't get you out of your funk.

tomsteve

Along with have you worked the steps how often do you get out of yerself and help others? Not just in AA but in the world?
Think yer HP hasn't been working?
How have you not drank in 17 months?

cardoon

A couple random points.
I know the feeling. I find that living deliberately is quite hard. At least harder than the drunk/high mode. Yet I'm enjoying figuring it out and I am much more content sober and deliberately finding my way toward a fulfilling life.

Dates are all about the odds. Go on more dates and the odds of finding a fit go up.

Like others have said, I have to work on staying focused on me and not on what I think others may have, think or feel.

Just relax into it.

Fly N Buy

PeteWill - 17 months is miraculous! That is amazing, good for you!
I have a long way to go, so my thoughts are from a person with less sobriety - but I attend AA 5-7 times per week.

Do you feel like you've done step work diligently? Feeling resentful, as I have learned from many - isn't good......

For me, I learned the 3rd step prayer and reflect on it daily in morning meditation and prayer. Are you doing MM and prayer consistently???

What I hear in the rooms from those ahead who are struggling is many of the foundational AA concepts have fallen by the wayside and people have gotten out of these habits. Thorough and fearless from the very start......

I wish you the best and hate to see anyone hurting.......
Kind Regards,
Flyn

desypete

by the way i just thought i would tell you what 12th step work looks like in action

at the meetings listen out for people who are not having a good time and are in pain, simply go over to them at the end of the meeting and talk to them if you have experience of the problem in hand then share about it to them
its amazing as they will feel you understand them completely and there not alone with it

get there phone number and text them each day when you wake up see how there doing,
go to another meeting and see if there is anyone else you can help there

honestly when you practise this way of living you end up starting to lose yourself and you own problems tend to look really small when you face someone who just can not stop drinking or someone is about to become homeless etc

get involved in services work, i got pushed into intergroup level service work i never wanted to do it i wanted to stay at home instead feeling unhappy and sad etc hence i was pushed into doing it

it worked as i became involved in aa i ended up being the face of aa to the probation service and then i moved on to the prisons service were i ran a meeting in one of our local prisons

the prison work gave me so much more than i could ever have got from anything else
seeing people coming in to prsion who had just been locked up for what they did after a night on the drink etc made me see how lucky i am and it kept it fresh in my mind just what it is i suffer from

now i could go the other way and get a book and sit in a meeting and qoute from it saying i am working a 12th step but for me its not enough

i need to be out there active to get the benefit for me being sober otherwise i can very easily think life is rubbish being sober i can let my own problems grow legs that will cut my off
finaly i will cut out aa and start to isolate myself alone with my head and all that is wrong in the world

so for me the 12th step is an action step when i work it i might not do anyone else any good as they might still drink again etc but the one thing that does happen is i feel ok and grateful

so good luck to you.

edit
there are lots of ways to get active in 12th step work not just the above, i know lots of aa memebers who work down at the local homeless shelters or the food kitchens making food for the down and outs etc that is another sure way to end up feeling grateful for what we do have in life
but the hard part about it all is telling our heads to just do it as my head would tell me not to as i didnt want to put that much effort into it

Petewill

Thanks for all the responses, the level of support back to me is so appreciated. I really need to finish with the steps, am now on step 8. yes, I need to get out of myself and help others, I actually chair a meeting one day a week. The issue I had with trying to proactively helping others, was I got the cold shoulder back at me and I resented them and I was like f... it , I'm not going to put myself out for this.. It was a blow to my big ego.. lol.. honestly, last night I felt like I was going crazy with frustration and loneliness. It's an emotional killer for me.. I was thinking my life is so messed up and I don't see any way out this forever. thinking my problems are so permanent and final.. again. thanks for responding..

aasharon90

After formerly working the steps to the best
of my ability, I continued to learn better ways
to use them in all areas of my. I learned the
steps then began to live them.

Helping others is not just participating in
recovery meetings, but to also lend a
helping hand outside the rooms. To be
nice, kind to others. To smile, hold the
door for someone. Allowing others to
go ahead of me instead of rushing to get
ahead.

By placing other's needs before my own.

To be honest in all my affairs so that I
don't lie. So that I don't have to turn
around and make amends to someone
I lied to.

To take responsibility for my own actions.
Responsible for my own recovery. To walk
the walk of recovery and not just talk it.
To be accountable.

To forgive those that hurt me. If I have
a hard time forgiving them, then I place
those folks into my HP - Higher Powers
hands for Him to take care of.

As long as I keep my side of the street
clean, my own life in order and live the
way I am suppose to live using those steps
and principles set down for us to follow
then I have no need to pick up a drink
today.

From day one when I got sober back in
1990, I have been learning all along the
way to live a better sober way of life each
day I haven't drank for 24 yrs.

My learning isn't over yet because I
continue to pick up new healthier, happier
ways to enjoy my recovery from you guys
and many others who have paved the way
to live this life for yrs to come.

You can too.

Soberintexas007

Hi Pete,
Your post was relevant to me because I had several years sober when I was living in southern CA and was single. I also felt lonely and as if life was lifeless, and I ended up shaking up things by drinking again.

Now things are different for me. I have a partner, but now my issues do not center around loneliness, but trying to cope with a functional alcoholic partner and his "unsupportive" family. The stress is different.

I can empathize with your situation, however. It is difficult in today's world to find a partner that we can relate to and whom can be a companion.

OklaBH

Have u seen a doctor lately? I'm only asking because I got in a funk and no amount of "it works if u work it" helped . I was irritable and totally non content. With help from my doctor and of course staying diligent in recovery it got better. Congrats on almost a year and a half! That's amazing

Petewill

seeing my shrink on thurs. I really need to. feeling like I really want to drink at this point. alot of self-loathing going on and I just can't handle it anymore. want to drink, but it was so hard to get out of that vicious cycle once it starts again. I guess that is the only thing stopping me.

Soberwolf

Hope you feel better soon pete

SW

SoberCAH

Well put, Sharon.

Trying to help others, inside and outside the program, is the best antedote for me thinking about myself.

I would also suggest to the OP that a gratitude list may be in order.

It sure sounds like Pete has a lot of blessings for which to be grateful.

Stay with us, amigo.

hunterismia

For me, the times I feel disconnected/ numb is when I have the most on my mind.

How often are you seeing your therapist? Sometimes once a week isn't enough. Not for me anyway.

BarbieKen

Get out of yourself, be of service to others. It works every single time. Bobbi