courage2

My alcoholism didn't win today, but we're both panting in our separate corners. There's this very vivid plan for a manageable little binge that just appeared full-grown out of my head today. Kind of like a flashback, it keeps intruding on my thoughts.

Please, anyone, feel free to throw a punch at my AV, or at your own.

Here's a start: Take that :uzi2: you sucker, for turning me into a liar and a cheat.

topspin

Great imagery Snarkbunny !

As long as you survive all 15 rounds with a unanimous decision , you'll wake up tomorrow morning the same badass you are today !

Dee74

The AV is strong in this one

There's nothing 'manageable' about a binge - not for drinkers like us Courage.
Go back and read about last time if you need a reminder?

What are you wanting respite/escape from?

D

Hollyanne

I just had a vision of the obese mother in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape", coming out of my self-imposed silence to tell you, my friend,
DON'T DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still have those thoughts.
I could get away with a sneaky bender, no problem.
I am genuinely afraid that I couldn't hit the brakes and stop again.
Guaranteed, no good will come of it.
Sometimes, it's that simple.
And, from experience, "This too, shall pass".

silentrun

Hey that sucker tried the same thing on me. I ended up coming here freaked out. That same night I had a nightmare about a mom and daughter alone in an empty house. It had hardwood floors and you could see the dust from where furniture had once been. Scared me straight and I haven't had that one tried on me since. Sweet dreams Courage.

Fallow

What would you tell me if I said the same Courage?

courage2

Believe me, I know the notion is absurd. But when it pops up in my head it looks so plausible, it scares me. I could just turn over my life to that deranged notion.

....I want respite from guilt.

Dee74

another binge would only add to the guilt tho, yeah?
D

courage2

Ah my friends, you are all so dear.

Yes, a binge would make everything worse. I'm not going to drink, not tonight anyway

Will someone please just kick my AV in the cojones a few times, just so he'll be good & sore tomorrow & leave me alone?

karate

The hangover ,shakes ,and depression aftereffects ..........

Those take the fun out of it for me .

FeelingGreat

I would happily come around and kick your AV, but a few miles separate us, so could you do it for me please?

Why not write down what it's telling you, then write some really abusive answers back? That will strengthen your response next time it pops up with a fully formed plan (so predictable aint it?).

growpath

......one kick, two punches and a slap (along with a few snaps and a neck roll)...straight to the AV Courage2

FeenixxRising

If you want to use the AVRT approach to your AV, you really don't want to "beat it up". In fact, you don't want to engage with your AV in any way, as to do so gives it strength. Rather you acknowledge it's there, but you also realize it's not the rational "you" and that it has no control or power--only the human, rational "you" has power. Once you acknowledge (but not engage with) a feeling or thought as the addictive voice, it should dissipate. If it comes back again, rinse and repeat by acknowledging the AV for what it is, but not engaging with it.

This idea can sound a little counter-intuitive, but I urge anyone with is "fighting" with or engaging with their AV in any way to visit the Rational Recovery site and read the description of the AVRT method. Fighting with or engaging your AV is not productive in any way.

Also there is a long, but good discussion about AVRT in this thread on SR: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

freshstart57

Did you see the Ali - Doakes fight? It was one for the books. Ali backed into a corner, grabbed a rope in each hand and just bobbed, ducked and weaved. Doakes simply could not lay glove on him. I'm afraid that's what fighting my AV would be like, I would get clobbered eventually without landing a single punch. That's why I will never step into that ring.

So, like FeenixxRising said, I just try to recognize the heck out of it calmly. Look it up and down, and accept it for what it is, my pathetic dying addiction doing what it does best. And then I separate from it - I get to make the decisions, and they are going to be the right ones around alcohol from now on. My AV can whine and moan, but I am not afraid of it anymore. I can choose to not drink every darned time. That AV really is a pathetic creature who wants nothing but for me to destroy myself.

soberlicious

Fighting with the AV is not sustainable. There is a better way. Think about a tennis match. If you just laid down your racket and walked away, then the AV can't keep trying to peg you with the ball. Stop lobbing it back. Game over. You win.

And stop with the fear too. "Fear is the mind killer." Look that b*tch straight in the eyes and smile. YOU make the decisions, and YOU don't drink. The end.

courage2

Thanks for the good advice on AVRT but I'd misplaced my serenity last night. I was ambushed along the highway to sobriety, and fighting whether I wanted to or not.

Hey, my metaphors may not be as good as yours, but sometimes they're all I got, ok?

caboblanco

when your AV is really kicking in..turn on antique road show

that always confuses him

RobbyRobot

Addictive voice is nothing to "worry over" since AV is helpless on its own to cause a return to drinking. When we can see past the surreal fears AV manufactures, we can more appreciate who is really in charge of picking up that future drink, and its never our AV. The responsibility is ours alone, and this truth really frees us of struggling or otherwise fighting with whatever AV proposes. In this way, AV can become nothing more than background noise and eventually with practice the noise is selectively tuned out.

It can be humorous to personalize AV, but this can become a slippery slope if one actually goes to far and seriously attempts to "figure out" or rationalize their AV, imo.

In any case, I hope your feeling more yourself as soon as you can, Snarkbunny.

courage2

Robby, thanks. Last night I was just looking for cheerleaders or hugs (thanks, everyone, esp Hollyanne, Dee, & Fallow), having made it through a bad day but with some residual heebie-jeebies.

Sometimes I get wound a little tight thinking on behaviors for which I'm completely responsible which cause me anxiety and/or guilt. Then I lose perspective and ideas that are obviously bad, like drinking, sound good. Until I achieve better moral balance, bad days like yesterday are likely to happen from time to time. Fortunately I've acquired some habits like coming to SR that help me when my own perspective fails.

I'm trying to achieve better balance, but I may never reach it -- I might not be capable. I'm grateful for every sober day, because I do think I'm gradually developing a higher sense of self. If I develop a higher sense of self, I'll become more and more averse to indulging in self-destructive behaviors like drinking.

Sobriety won't make me a better person, but it's giving me the clarity to know I need to be one -- in a circular way, I need to be a better person in order to stay sober, and I need to stay sober in order to become a better person.

People discipline their bodies through strict and arduous physical regimens. What I referred to in a lame-joke way as my AV is just a habit of my own thinking that I dislike and want to replace through mental discipline, like replacing fat with muscle.

I don't want to get in a discourse on AVRT, because I'm not looking for a program. I do think it's interesting that someone posted about the rational self. As a person who is by training and practice hyper-rational, I think in retrospect that I've underestimated the importance of engaging and communicating with my less-than-rational ways of thinking.

I'm writing here where probably no one will read since this is now an old thread. If anyone reads it, I hope they find something in this thread helpful.

Dee74

I didn't think I was capable of balance either Courage...I'm still not perfect - but I'm light years away from where I used to be.

Never say Never

D