Robby, thanks. Last night I was just looking for cheerleaders or hugs (thanks, everyone, esp Hollyanne, Dee, & Fallow), having made it through a bad day but with some residual heebie-jeebies.
Sometimes I get wound a little tight thinking on behaviors for which I'm completely responsible which cause me anxiety and/or guilt. Then I lose perspective and ideas that are obviously bad, like drinking, sound good. Until I achieve better moral balance, bad days like yesterday are likely to happen from time to time. Fortunately I've acquired some habits like coming to SR that help me when my own perspective fails.
I'm trying to achieve better balance, but I may never reach it -- I might not be capable. I'm grateful for every sober day, because I do think I'm gradually developing a higher sense of self. If I develop a higher sense of self, I'll become more and more averse to indulging in self-destructive behaviors like drinking.
Sobriety won't make me a better person, but it's giving me the clarity to know I need to be one -- in a circular way, I need to be a better person in order to stay sober, and I need to stay sober in order to become a better person.
People discipline their bodies through strict and arduous physical regimens. What I referred to in a lame-joke way as my AV is just a habit of my own thinking that I dislike and want to replace through mental discipline, like replacing fat with muscle.
I don't want to get in a discourse on AVRT, because I'm not looking for a program. I do think it's interesting that someone posted about the rational self. As a person who is by training and practice hyper-rational, I think in retrospect that I've underestimated the importance of engaging and communicating with my less-than-rational ways of thinking.
I'm writing here where probably no one will read since this is now an old thread. If anyone reads it, I hope they find something in this thread helpful.