Major pity party today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 53
Major pity party today
My wife'sfamily will be over in 2 hours. She is very close with them all. They all know my struggles. They claim to love me....but not truly. They do because of her and because of what I provide for her and by extension, them.
They know I have been banished to the guest room for 3 years. They know and have witnessed my wife's coldness towards me.
I know if I continue to do the right things, and learn and grow in the program that my life will change for the better and I will begin to see the promises work in my life. But getting there is hard. My wife refuses to give an inch....refuses all attempts at affection. She occasionally doles out a crumb or two....and expects me to gratefully accept them and be thankful that I am even allowed to be in her presence.
My alcoholic mind is telling me that guzzling some whiskey will take my pain away. It always has, temporarily. In that regard it has nearly never failed from transporting my mind to a place of escape and isolation.
I know it is an illusion....I know it will help nothing. I know how selfish and self centered the words I am writing are. But these are my thoughts. My feelings.
I don't know if I can fake it today. Fake the happiness. Fake the smiles. Pretend that all is well and I am strong. Pretend that I don't feel worthless and that she feels I am undeserving of her love, attention or affection. Like a treat or reward that she lords over me.
They know I have been banished to the guest room for 3 years. They know and have witnessed my wife's coldness towards me.
I know if I continue to do the right things, and learn and grow in the program that my life will change for the better and I will begin to see the promises work in my life. But getting there is hard. My wife refuses to give an inch....refuses all attempts at affection. She occasionally doles out a crumb or two....and expects me to gratefully accept them and be thankful that I am even allowed to be in her presence.
My alcoholic mind is telling me that guzzling some whiskey will take my pain away. It always has, temporarily. In that regard it has nearly never failed from transporting my mind to a place of escape and isolation.
I know it is an illusion....I know it will help nothing. I know how selfish and self centered the words I am writing are. But these are my thoughts. My feelings.
I don't know if I can fake it today. Fake the happiness. Fake the smiles. Pretend that all is well and I am strong. Pretend that I don't feel worthless and that she feels I am undeserving of her love, attention or affection. Like a treat or reward that she lords over me.
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hi Ken
Sorry it's so hard. I think that's one thing that contributes to recovery being hard. The consequences of our drinking hang on into our recovery, and early recovery especially.
But try and hang in there. You definitely are building for the future. Be patient with everybody, your wife, your wife's family, and especially yourself.
Sorry it's so hard. I think that's one thing that contributes to recovery being hard. The consequences of our drinking hang on into our recovery, and early recovery especially.
But try and hang in there. You definitely are building for the future. Be patient with everybody, your wife, your wife's family, and especially yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
A little expression in AA is "Fake It Till You Make It."
When I was drinking I could make up many real and unreal reasons to drink and did. Then the word acceptance was the word for discussion at a meeting and I first heard the words "poor me, pour me a drink." It's that easy to get back into it for many of us.
BE WELL
When I was drinking I could make up many real and unreal reasons to drink and did. Then the word acceptance was the word for discussion at a meeting and I first heard the words "poor me, pour me a drink." It's that easy to get back into it for many of us.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
You have to remember that just because we are clean and sober a few weeks or months that life does not just go back to normal. We have done a world of damage to our families. Emotional and mental damage. Damage that there are consequences for, And this seems to be a consequence for you. Our families were put through hell. Never knowing what to expect when we walked through the door.
Happy Go lucky , angry, funny, crazy etc. They never knew what we would be like when we picked up that drink or where it would take us. But they unfortunately had to witness a lot of it. It is going to take time for them to heal.
No amount of I am sorry's is gonna do it. They have to see us consistently changing and doing the right thing. If we pick up a drink because we are feeling sorry for ourselves , we would be doing the same thing we have always done.
It's time to really take responsibility for our past and understand that we are in this position because of what we have done, not them.
Let it go and be grateful you still have a family
Happy Go lucky , angry, funny, crazy etc. They never knew what we would be like when we picked up that drink or where it would take us. But they unfortunately had to witness a lot of it. It is going to take time for them to heal.
No amount of I am sorry's is gonna do it. They have to see us consistently changing and doing the right thing. If we pick up a drink because we are feeling sorry for ourselves , we would be doing the same thing we have always done.
It's time to really take responsibility for our past and understand that we are in this position because of what we have done, not them.
Let it go and be grateful you still have a family
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 53
Thank you Deeker and everyone else.
I just left another meeting today....The Daily Reflections were just what I needed to hear, along with Acceptance and the prayer of St. Francis.
I'm home now. I'm sober. For that I am grateful.
I just left another meeting today....The Daily Reflections were just what I needed to hear, along with Acceptance and the prayer of St. Francis.
I'm home now. I'm sober. For that I am grateful.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
what advise I would give you is to work the steps on the problem.
theres quite a bit in the chapters 'the family afterwards" and 'to wives" you may want to read,too.
Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition. A doctor said to us," Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill." Let families realize, as they start their journey, that all will not be fair weather. Each in his turn may be footsore and may straggle.
theres quite a bit in the chapters 'the family afterwards" and 'to wives" you may want to read,too.
Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition. A doctor said to us," Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill." Let families realize, as they start their journey, that all will not be fair weather. Each in his turn may be footsore and may straggle.
Last edited by Dee74; 04-20-2014 at 05:40 PM.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Ken, you are doing good. Keep doing what you are doing and follow the lead and advice of those like TomSteve, Michael and Deeker and those in your home group who have worked the steps and have a few 24 hours under their belt.
You relationship did not get damaged overnight so you cannot expect it to get fixed overnight either but as long as you do not pick up the first drink and you do not try to "put your wife in her place" (How sexist is that comment by the way!!) there is hope
You relationship did not get damaged overnight so you cannot expect it to get fixed overnight either but as long as you do not pick up the first drink and you do not try to "put your wife in her place" (How sexist is that comment by the way!!) there is hope
Last edited by Dee74; 04-20-2014 at 05:40 PM.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
I can share with you my experience.
my EAH voiced the same concerns to me and others when he was trying to get sober and work a program.
my heart would explode with hope. but as numerous attempts at sobriety eluded him, I became guarded.
I loved him beyond measure and would have died for him. it was when I realized that I had become so sick living in the chaos of addiction, that I learned if I loved him enough to die for him, then I needed to love him enough to live for him.....and myself.
most importantly, for myself.
I never stopped believing in his ability to stop drinking. I just had to change my expectations.
I never stopped loving him. I just had to love me, too.
I never stopped hoping that we could finish this journey together. I just had to heal myself, learn to trust him that he said what meant, and meant what he said.
I never stopped wanting all good things for him. I just had to see that he was going to save himself.
I never stopped respecting him. I just had to know, feel, and see that he was willing, able, and ready to accept the damage that his addiction had brought to our lives, and to take actions to set things right.
I never stopped. until he did.
there came a time when "it was just too late". nothing could have fixed it by then.
I would guess that most of us on the other side of this have had very similar experiences with their beloved alcoholics.
my XAH just died this past January. he was 55 years old. his life was summed up in the obituary with under approx. 50 words. he was alienated by all those that had loved him.
yet, he was loved. from a distance. and with broken hearts, spirits, and souls.
it takes a courageous person to own, accept, and withstand all that is needed for their recovery.
I wish you all the courage, strength, and hope that I have to offer. if only one family could recover and prosper from this horrible disease, I would give all I have.
take what you like.....leave the rest.
best to you and yours
my EAH voiced the same concerns to me and others when he was trying to get sober and work a program.
my heart would explode with hope. but as numerous attempts at sobriety eluded him, I became guarded.
I loved him beyond measure and would have died for him. it was when I realized that I had become so sick living in the chaos of addiction, that I learned if I loved him enough to die for him, then I needed to love him enough to live for him.....and myself.
most importantly, for myself.
I never stopped believing in his ability to stop drinking. I just had to change my expectations.
I never stopped loving him. I just had to love me, too.
I never stopped hoping that we could finish this journey together. I just had to heal myself, learn to trust him that he said what meant, and meant what he said.
I never stopped wanting all good things for him. I just had to see that he was going to save himself.
I never stopped respecting him. I just had to know, feel, and see that he was willing, able, and ready to accept the damage that his addiction had brought to our lives, and to take actions to set things right.
I never stopped. until he did.
there came a time when "it was just too late". nothing could have fixed it by then.
I would guess that most of us on the other side of this have had very similar experiences with their beloved alcoholics.
my XAH just died this past January. he was 55 years old. his life was summed up in the obituary with under approx. 50 words. he was alienated by all those that had loved him.
yet, he was loved. from a distance. and with broken hearts, spirits, and souls.
it takes a courageous person to own, accept, and withstand all that is needed for their recovery.
I wish you all the courage, strength, and hope that I have to offer. if only one family could recover and prosper from this horrible disease, I would give all I have.
take what you like.....leave the rest.
best to you and yours
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I can relate in a lot of ways. in all the years my wife and i have been married i've routinely been rejected. any time i made any sort of advances for intamacy. Many other things I could complain about.
what I had to do so that it would not beat me up anymore so that I could climb out of hte beer barrel is I had to stop bothering to try. this way i avoided the rejection and if i avoid the rejection then I dont have to worry about feeling crappy about myself etc.. ya know feeling rejected is a pretty crummy feeling only so much one person can take. I could get mad or angry or scream etc.. but none of that will solve anything.
fast forward I feel better but she wonders why i'm no longer ineterested why i dont make advances etc.. Theres no point I just get rejected and to test this now and the I do made advances only to get rejected again so i figure nothings changed and i go back to not bothering to try.
I feel better we get along well as friends I suppose but the intamacy is in the toilet. She knows it I know it but I have no idea what to do and I"m tired of feeling bad about it.
That rejection can be killer it can make you wanna run to the bottle its best ot just try and avoid the situation as best as possible. You at least cant allow it to get to you or else its going to drag you down and make your life even more difficult and right now thats not something you need.
In time you'll realize your worth a lot hopefully she'll realize this too. Either way worry about getting yourself healthy and let her worry about her issues.
thats my 2 cents anyway. I know what you mean about the inlaws too I'm sure a few of mine dont think very highly of me either I used to allow that to bother me. Now I dont care. and I realize a lot of them now are intimidated by me and the changes i've made to my life they dont have anything to complain about anymore and it probably burns them up that they cant hate on me for something now. All i do is sit and laught o myself and think what know? hehe.
what I had to do so that it would not beat me up anymore so that I could climb out of hte beer barrel is I had to stop bothering to try. this way i avoided the rejection and if i avoid the rejection then I dont have to worry about feeling crappy about myself etc.. ya know feeling rejected is a pretty crummy feeling only so much one person can take. I could get mad or angry or scream etc.. but none of that will solve anything.
fast forward I feel better but she wonders why i'm no longer ineterested why i dont make advances etc.. Theres no point I just get rejected and to test this now and the I do made advances only to get rejected again so i figure nothings changed and i go back to not bothering to try.
I feel better we get along well as friends I suppose but the intamacy is in the toilet. She knows it I know it but I have no idea what to do and I"m tired of feeling bad about it.
That rejection can be killer it can make you wanna run to the bottle its best ot just try and avoid the situation as best as possible. You at least cant allow it to get to you or else its going to drag you down and make your life even more difficult and right now thats not something you need.
In time you'll realize your worth a lot hopefully she'll realize this too. Either way worry about getting yourself healthy and let her worry about her issues.
thats my 2 cents anyway. I know what you mean about the inlaws too I'm sure a few of mine dont think very highly of me either I used to allow that to bother me. Now I dont care. and I realize a lot of them now are intimidated by me and the changes i've made to my life they dont have anything to complain about anymore and it probably burns them up that they cant hate on me for something now. All i do is sit and laught o myself and think what know? hehe.
painless
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: somerset
Posts: 138
Have just one drink and youll be taking 10 steps further away from the woman u claim to still love and want more from... Your lucky where I failed. I lost the love of my life to lies and drugs and even though im changing for the better each second that passes the woman I love is not even paying attention to my my growth. Maybe oneday she will but right now its all about me and screw everyone else that has no faith in this man. You gotta have faith in yourself first before you can even try and have faith in anything else. You wanna drink? thats so selfish after hearing what you put others through. Keep working your sober plan and have faith in whatever you consider to be a higher power and u will see... its well worth it in the long run. Long as u continue to do good and your wife sees your working hard at becoming the man she married i think things will slowly turn your way and youll be happy and thankful u did the right thing and stayed on the right path... i will find love again because i have the world to offer the next lucky female i decide to give this torn heart too.... best of luck... keep posting and reading our posts. this place is my daily bread...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
I know you know what is going to help on this the farther you go. Maintain the Abstain.
The longer you go without a drink the stronger you become as a husband to your wife. If she still holds back as you continue to not drink you will still have a growing sense of accomplishment and pride within yourself. Walk tall in the face of it all if you can stay sober regardless of anything else you will have that for you.
When I first got really serious about not drinking I made a firm resolve to myself that nobody else's opinion was going to matter if not drinking didn't matter to me first. Focus on you and what you need to do to stay sober and be proud of how far you have come. If you continue to walk the walk all the rest will begin to fall into place.
The longer you go without a drink the stronger you become as a husband to your wife. If she still holds back as you continue to not drink you will still have a growing sense of accomplishment and pride within yourself. Walk tall in the face of it all if you can stay sober regardless of anything else you will have that for you.
When I first got really serious about not drinking I made a firm resolve to myself that nobody else's opinion was going to matter if not drinking didn't matter to me first. Focus on you and what you need to do to stay sober and be proud of how far you have come. If you continue to walk the walk all the rest will begin to fall into place.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
I don't know if I can fake it today. Fake the happiness. Fake the smiles. Pretend that all is well and I am strong. Pretend that I don't feel worthless and that she feels I am undeserving of her love, attention or affection. Like a treat or reward that she lords over me.[/QUOTE]
I am familiar with my recovery process....and i'm aware that it may be different than yours.
my first thought when I read this quote was.....after all we have been through, on both sides of the fences, can we not fake it for just another 15 minutes at a time?
one thing is ever so important....to not pick up our drug of choice....whether it's alcohol, or in my case, my codependent issues that cripple me.
and now, I will bow out.
my very best thoughts to you
I pray you are able to do the right thing
I am familiar with my recovery process....and i'm aware that it may be different than yours.
my first thought when I read this quote was.....after all we have been through, on both sides of the fences, can we not fake it for just another 15 minutes at a time?
one thing is ever so important....to not pick up our drug of choice....whether it's alcohol, or in my case, my codependent issues that cripple me.
and now, I will bow out.
my very best thoughts to you
I pray you are able to do the right thing
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Above all, in moments like you spoke of you just need to be true to yourself. I can't stress it enough, get out of your head with all the unpleasant feelings you have coming at you and just focus on you. Use it as a mechanism to inspire yourself to do better for no one else but yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Lets all take a deep breath and relax.
I'm sorry for your situation Ken and I hope your commitment to recovery will help you find what is the right path here for you to take from here on in.
As for today - you can do this...excuse yourself if needs be and go for a walk or something.
D
I'm sorry for your situation Ken and I hope your commitment to recovery will help you find what is the right path here for you to take from here on in.
As for today - you can do this...excuse yourself if needs be and go for a walk or something.
D
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by Sudz No More 
Above all, in moments like you spoke of you just need to be true to yourself. I can't stress it enough, get out of your head with all the unpleasant feelings you have coming at you and just focus on you. Use it as a mechanism to inspire yourself to do better for no one else but yourself.
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