freethinking

I really do not want to go back to AA, but what I am doing right now is not sufficient. I keep relapsing every 1-2 weeks.

All I really have in place is an addictions therapist once a week and a psychiatrist. It is difficult to make many changes to my M-F life because I am more or less grounded to the house with 3 small kids to look after.

I am also wondering if this is just a matter of wanting to be drunk more than wanting to be sober....and that nothing will change until that shifts. However that feels like wishing for a miracle that I cannot control, which leaves me feeling a bit hopeless.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks.

Taking5

Do you have a sponsor? Have you read the big book? Worked the steps?

Going to meetings was not enough for me.

freethinking

No, I am not in AA.

Coldfusion

I find the literature of the NA program "easier to handle," and although I lead an AA meeting I use the NA book for my personal step study. Also, there can be a "scared straight" quality to NA meetings.

doggonecarl

There was a thread a couple days ago where a person asked, "What worked for you."

I tend to not discuss the details of my recovery path for a couple reasons: One, what works for me might not work for someone else, and Two, I don't want to thread argument about methodology. But I kept thinking about the question, wondering if I could answer the question. And your post allows me the chance, not to tell you what to change, but what I had to do to get and stay sober.

1. Accept that I could never drink again. Ever. No compromising with my addiction. The line in the sand was drawn, and I wasn't going to cross it.
2. Work daily on my integrity to never waiver from my decision to not drink. Identifying the sneaky little voice of my addiction that would have me dishonor my recovery.
3. Learn to live sober. That means learning to deal with the issues that always sent me running to the bottle: Stress, grief, shame, anger, etc.
4. Learn gratitude. Being thankful for the gift of sobriety. Earn gratitude. My alcoholism was selfish, I had to learn to give of myself as a sober person.
5. Now that I have years sober, I don't make the goal not drinking. I make the goal of every day my recovery and the not drinking takes care of itself.

There are any number of programs/methods that will assist an alcoholic in achiving the things that will ensure their sobriety, both formal and informal. I guess it comes down to this. A person either works on their recovery, or they drink. So what changes do you need to make?

freethinking

I guess it is this ^^ that I have not come to yet. And it scares me. Unless this happens, can I stop drinking?

alphaomega

Years ago when my daughter was little I was a big member of Women For Sobriety online. Lots and lots of women in the exact same mental anguish I was in at the time.

Mine was a little different bc I was working full time at the time and could not deal with not being there for her growing up. I was running a business and soley responsible for a suddenly widowed mother. My daughter got the short end for sure.

What about a part time job ? At a boutique ? As a hostess ? Where you can get gussied up and feel like you are participating in the world outside.

doggonecarl

I don't know about you. For me, I don't think I could have stayed sober for three-plus years if there was the slightest change is my stance that would allow for drinking. I call it "leaving the back door unlocked." If you let the addiction monster in, it will be hard to resist the tempation to drink.

For me, accepting I could never drink was a great weight off my shoulders. I was done fighting it. Surrender. Done with grieving the loss of alcohol.

ScottFromWI

That's really a question only you can answer. For the vast majority, no - you cannot get sober until you accept it. The fact that you keep going back to drinking every week or so is pretty indicative that you haven't accepted it as well - so it's good that you at least realize it.

There are many ways people get to that point of acceptance. Some have a vision or just get "sick and tired" of being sick and tired. Some learn it from a program like AA/NA or others. Unfortunately, some learn it by progressively losing things like their jobs, families, health -and some even their lives.

To me the most important thing I realized is that it's 100% my choice. Even though I've been sober for a while now, I could still go have a beer any time I wanted to. But I also realize that by choosing to drink that one beer, I also choose all the bad things that would follow - which would be more beer, and more beer, and my health deteriorating, and probably my family finally getting sick of it for good and kicking me out, and then probably losing my job, etc... All of those thigns would be my choice because I picked up that first drink

So getting back to the original topic - it's really all up to you. Choose sobriety or choose drinking. We are here to help you with choice number 1.

Coldfusion

I was able to stop drinking before hitting bottom, by saying that enough was enough and I was not going to let things get any worse--for me or my family. It is a good idea to not aim for hitting the bottom, because you have no idea how low we can sink.

Remember that there is an eclipse tonight, so emotions will be running wild. Try to tap into that energy and use it for recovery!

Aellyce

Freethinking - following your story... I have the feeling that you are still in that state thinking that something magical will happen one day that will snap you out of all this. If anything, THIS is what I would try to change. I don't think there will be any incredible power coming your way pulling you out of this BEFORE you decide to be 100% determined yourself. Well, I would say unlikely anyway.

You have already been thinking and trying various things and the fact that you come back here shows a desire for change. In my opinion the missing component is the ACTION: put it down FIRST with determination, then get into a variety of recovery methods, explore, interact, etc etc.

freethinking

Wow, all really insightful replies. This place is a gem, for sure.

I have this sneaking suspicion, that whether I like it or not, I may need AA again. I am also really interested in checking out WFS.

freethinking

BTW, totally agree with this. A blood moon? Yikes!! Lots of people in the ER tonight for sure.

Tiptree

I initially stopped to get well and to handle the stress of having to take a work-related full blown physical. Wanted to get my liver enzymes down beforehand but always with the intention of starting to drink again. I stopped for 2 weeks initially (very hard, sweats, anxiety, no sleep, etc.), then had another Dr. appointment for a stress test so I couldn't possibly start drinking again cuz knew I would binge. So I looked to the internet for help and made a 90 day pledge on Belle's blog. Once I made that pledge I was bound to keep it. Read alot during that time and found SR. Experienced some real beautiful days, some feelings of joy that came over me that I hadn't experienced since I was a little kid. I still could not make that committment in my head to never drink again but made a 180 day pledge and soon I was nearing 180 days and kinda knew there would be no turning back. Although I can't say I'll never drink again (!!!!), I hope and pray that I don't and will do everything and anything I need to to stay on this path. It is just so amazing, life changing.

alphaomega

Something part time might give you something to look forward to. Something to make you accountable. Something you have to be sober for. If you can't go all in at this moment (I, too, was a fits and starts kinda recovery girl) maybe small changes, like a job, for a little lipstick money and self esteem might be just what you need to get fulfilled. And be able to recognize the awesomeness your homelife contains.

Without too much commitment.

freethinking

Good ideas. Something to make me accountable. Going back out there again is a scary prospect though, I won't lie. My psych keeps pushing it, after my husband called her in a panic and said "My wife thinks the family is better off if she walks out!". What hours would I work though? My kids are 18 months, 5 and 7. The oldest has sports in the evening - how would I manage this? These are all the things that scare/intimidate me.

alphaomega

Buddy, if there's a will, there's a way.

Start with Saturdays or Sundays. Retail and restaurants busiest times.

You sound striking in stature. Restaurant love beautiful women at the front door

oak

Have you looked into SMART Recovery, Women for Sobriety, LifeRing, or NA? Those programs, except NA, have online meetings available.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

WFS has a great forum for women. Login - WELCOME TO WFS ONLINE!

You mentioned the idea of 'do you need to want to be sober more than drinking'. I think ambivalence is so normal. I got sober while still ambivalent. What you wrote reminded me of LifeRing's idea that we need to strengthen our sober self. They write about it in their book- details are on their website. What I got out of their book and program is starting to do activities that I enjoy and that help me want to be sober. It can be a slow process. Writing this reminds me that I should do something other than stare at a screen! It's a continuing process for me to do things that I enjoy and not leave a void in my life for addiction to come into and fill.

I also like the NA books more than AA books. They are written much more recently. I am shocked at how much I like reading NA books. I like NA meetings too. (I did just start trying AA again too. I am suddenly finding meetings that fit for me a little better.)

I have also found individual therapy very very helpful!

On the SMART recovery website, there is a cost benefit analysis worksheet that you might find helpful. list of pros and cons.

Good luck on finding what works for you.

freethinking

What is Lifering? Have done SMART and the meeting near me is full of young, 20-something idiots looking strictly to avoid AA - not necessarily *really* move on. It is accepted by the court for them. I agree with SMART wholly, but the meeting near me is awful.

Coldfusion

You're lucky to have choices of meetings. Here, there is one AA meeting six days a week and an NA meeting the other day--and it's always the same few people.

Find a meeting you like!