What would you change?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
For me, accepting I could never drink was a great weight off my shoulders. I was done fighting it. Surrender. Done with grieving the loss of alcohol.
It was not like that the first time. After 5 months I drank again, never looked back at AA and continued to drink for ten more years. There are many times over the last year that I have looked at why I didn't go back. I honestly can't come up with a solid answer.
Was I not ready? Was I doing it for someone else? Did I not have the courage? Was my ego to big?
There is not a single reason I can identify, maybe all four but I can tell you that I did not understand how it worked. I went to a ton of meetings, step meetings, BB meetings, Woman's meetings, Discussion meetings and Lead meetings. I went 6 times a week if not more. I had a home group and a sponsor.
I had everything I thought I needed and I didn't get it because I thought I was going to learn how to stop drinking.
What I found was that I was learning a new way to live, to live sober and the reason I needed that and wanted that was because I could no longer live the way I was living. That was my bottom and every one has a different one. I could not lower the bar anymore.
I had two choices, get help or sink deeper and die. I made the choice to get help and once I made that choice, like Carl said, the weight lifted and the cage door opened.
I did have regrets that I did not go back ten years ago. Maybe if I had stayed longer I would have gotten it, maybe if I went back I would have gotten it, I don't know, I do know I lost ten years of a life I could have lived sober.
I am grateful that I am sober today and have my health and some good years left to really enjoy it and I have faith that it can only get better as long as I stick to the program, go to meetings, give back and pray. If I do those simple things laid out by this simple program, I will remain happy, joyous and free.
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Originally Posted by oak
Have you looked into SMART Recovery, Women for Sobriety, LifeRing, or NA? Those programs, except NA, have online meetings available.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
WFS has a great forum for women. Login - WELCOME TO WFS ONLINE!
You mentioned the idea of 'do you need to want to be sober more than drinking'. I think ambivalence is so normal. I got sober while still ambivalent. What you wrote reminded me of LifeRing's idea that we need to strengthen our sober self. They write about it in their book- details are on their website. What I got out of their book and program is starting to do activities that I enjoy and that help me want to be sober. It can be a slow process. Writing this reminds me that I should do something other than stare at a screen! It's a continuing process for me to do things that I enjoy and not leave a void in my life for addiction to come into and fill.
I also like the NA books more than AA books. They are written much more recently. I am shocked at how much I like reading NA books. I like NA meetings too. (I did just start trying AA again too. I am suddenly finding meetings that fit for me a little better.)
I have also found individual therapy very very helpful!
On the SMART recovery website, there is a cost benefit analysis worksheet that you might find helpful. list of pros and cons.
Good luck on finding what works for you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
WFS has a great forum for women. Login - WELCOME TO WFS ONLINE!
You mentioned the idea of 'do you need to want to be sober more than drinking'. I think ambivalence is so normal. I got sober while still ambivalent. What you wrote reminded me of LifeRing's idea that we need to strengthen our sober self. They write about it in their book- details are on their website. What I got out of their book and program is starting to do activities that I enjoy and that help me want to be sober. It can be a slow process. Writing this reminds me that I should do something other than stare at a screen! It's a continuing process for me to do things that I enjoy and not leave a void in my life for addiction to come into and fill.
I also like the NA books more than AA books. They are written much more recently. I am shocked at how much I like reading NA books. I like NA meetings too. (I did just start trying AA again too. I am suddenly finding meetings that fit for me a little better.)
I have also found individual therapy very very helpful!
On the SMART recovery website, there is a cost benefit analysis worksheet that you might find helpful. list of pros and cons.
Good luck on finding what works for you.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Originally Posted by freethinking
Can I ask, what works for you? I am deeply impressed by people who offer multiple suggestions as opposed to just their own method of recovery. I am all ears if you have more thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,443
Hi Freethinking,
When I stopped drinking I did not want to stop drinking. In fact, I did not know my last drink was to be my last drink.
I ended up in the hospital for two weeks, then, a lovely doctor got me into rehab for three weeks. When I got home from rehab, even with five weeks of sobriety, I wanted to go out and drink. But I knew that I had to give this sober thing a shot or else I would die.
Even though I really did not want to give up drinking, I did not drink. I truly believe that I needed a good six months, at least, of not drinking to get all the alcohol out of my system. I really needed to completely dry out before my mind started to repair.
Somewhere in the 6 month to 18 month period of not drinking, my mindset changed. The more time I had sober, the more I wanted to be sober.
When I stopped drinking I did not want to stop drinking. In fact, I did not know my last drink was to be my last drink.
I ended up in the hospital for two weeks, then, a lovely doctor got me into rehab for three weeks. When I got home from rehab, even with five weeks of sobriety, I wanted to go out and drink. But I knew that I had to give this sober thing a shot or else I would die.
Even though I really did not want to give up drinking, I did not drink. I truly believe that I needed a good six months, at least, of not drinking to get all the alcohol out of my system. I really needed to completely dry out before my mind started to repair.
Somewhere in the 6 month to 18 month period of not drinking, my mindset changed. The more time I had sober, the more I wanted to be sober.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 192
Hi FT--just know I am rooting for you. I am going to cut/paste something I wrote at my 60 day mark. At almost 1 1/2 years it is still pretty consistent. I also work out regularly and that helps immensely with stress levels. I got sober while caring for my very fragile daughter and was confined to the house. However, my partner did "allow" for time for me to attend therapy and meetings. My daughter currently has a nurse who she is more comfortable with--so I can leave a little more freely than I could in the beginning--but I am home a lot. My daughter has a terminal illness, prior to getting sober I used that as an excuse to keep drinking. Now I use it as an excuse not too. I agree that a mind shift needs to occur--but sometimes we have to help it along with our actions. You can do this.
Here is what I posted at 60 days....
I can't believe I have 60 days today--feels like the last 30 went much faster than the first 30. With the exception of being pregnant/breastfeeding, and living in the hospital with my daughter a year and a half ago --this is the longest I have gone without alcohol in my adult life (I am 40 now). Most importantly, this is the first time I consider myself in recovery. Sober.
To be honest, this time has been a bit easier for me than I would have ever thought (in terms of alcohol). Not that it is entirely easy--but easier than it has been when I have tried to go without alcohol in the past. So, what have I done differently this time? (Please know that this is what is currently working for me, your road may be a different one.)
1. Admitted I was an alcoholic. Not a problem drinker, not I had a problem, not I need to stop drinking for awhile, not I have to just not drink hard liquor, not I can't drink on an empty stomach, not I can only drink on the weekends, not I can only drink at special occasions, not I can only drink while out socially. I know I cannot drink today or ever again. I remind myself daily. I don't obsess or lament about it. It just is. Just as I am a 5 1" female, I am an alcoholic. And that is ok. I am no worse, or better, than any other alcoholic.
2. I come to SR daily. I read the new threads. Sometimes I randomly pick old threads and read them through. I pay attention to successes. I also pay attention to those who fail. I post when I can, but most importantly, I read and learn.
3. I go to therapy weekly to discuss how I am feeling with my therapist--both about alcohol and other difficult life situations that are currently happening in my life. My therapist knows I am alcoholic and supports what I am currently doing to stay sober.
4. I attend AA meetings 2-3 times a week and have recently gotten a sponsor. Despite for many years thinking AA was not for me, I went/go with an open mind. I enjoy the fellowship. I am reading the Big Book and plan on reading it again. While I can't relate to everything that is said during a meeting, I get comfort from the fellowship and know I am doing the right thing by attending meetings and being willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober today. I pay attention to those things I can relate to and keep an open mind about the things I cannot. I am feeling more spiritual (not religious) than I ever have, and I attribute that piece of my recovery to AA. I am aiming for progress, and not perfection.
5. I pay attention to my thoughts surrounding alcohol. I consider drinking alcohol for me, a moral failure going forward. Just as I would never try to harm another (or steal, cheat etc) I consider alcohol harmful for me, and thus I cannot drink it. Any thought that leads me towards drinking, I attribute to my addict voice and dismiss and ignore as best and as quickly as I can. I am a member of the no matter what club. No matter what happens, good or bad, in life--I know that drinking another drop of alcohol will never make it better--only worse. It won't make me feel better, only worse. The guilt and the shame won't be better, only worse. There is nothing good left in alcohol for me. The active part of my alcoholism is done. So today I won't drink. And I plan on making that same choice every day for the rest of my life. One day at a time, gratefully.
Here is what I posted at 60 days....
I can't believe I have 60 days today--feels like the last 30 went much faster than the first 30. With the exception of being pregnant/breastfeeding, and living in the hospital with my daughter a year and a half ago --this is the longest I have gone without alcohol in my adult life (I am 40 now). Most importantly, this is the first time I consider myself in recovery. Sober.
To be honest, this time has been a bit easier for me than I would have ever thought (in terms of alcohol). Not that it is entirely easy--but easier than it has been when I have tried to go without alcohol in the past. So, what have I done differently this time? (Please know that this is what is currently working for me, your road may be a different one.)
1. Admitted I was an alcoholic. Not a problem drinker, not I had a problem, not I need to stop drinking for awhile, not I have to just not drink hard liquor, not I can't drink on an empty stomach, not I can only drink on the weekends, not I can only drink at special occasions, not I can only drink while out socially. I know I cannot drink today or ever again. I remind myself daily. I don't obsess or lament about it. It just is. Just as I am a 5 1" female, I am an alcoholic. And that is ok. I am no worse, or better, than any other alcoholic.
2. I come to SR daily. I read the new threads. Sometimes I randomly pick old threads and read them through. I pay attention to successes. I also pay attention to those who fail. I post when I can, but most importantly, I read and learn.
3. I go to therapy weekly to discuss how I am feeling with my therapist--both about alcohol and other difficult life situations that are currently happening in my life. My therapist knows I am alcoholic and supports what I am currently doing to stay sober.
4. I attend AA meetings 2-3 times a week and have recently gotten a sponsor. Despite for many years thinking AA was not for me, I went/go with an open mind. I enjoy the fellowship. I am reading the Big Book and plan on reading it again. While I can't relate to everything that is said during a meeting, I get comfort from the fellowship and know I am doing the right thing by attending meetings and being willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober today. I pay attention to those things I can relate to and keep an open mind about the things I cannot. I am feeling more spiritual (not religious) than I ever have, and I attribute that piece of my recovery to AA. I am aiming for progress, and not perfection.
5. I pay attention to my thoughts surrounding alcohol. I consider drinking alcohol for me, a moral failure going forward. Just as I would never try to harm another (or steal, cheat etc) I consider alcohol harmful for me, and thus I cannot drink it. Any thought that leads me towards drinking, I attribute to my addict voice and dismiss and ignore as best and as quickly as I can. I am a member of the no matter what club. No matter what happens, good or bad, in life--I know that drinking another drop of alcohol will never make it better--only worse. It won't make me feel better, only worse. The guilt and the shame won't be better, only worse. There is nothing good left in alcohol for me. The active part of my alcoholism is done. So today I won't drink. And I plan on making that same choice every day for the rest of my life. One day at a time, gratefully.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by freethinking
I have this sneaking suspicion, that whether I like it or not, I may need AA again. I am also really interested in checking out WFS.
I totally agree with Carl that I had to accept that drinking was no longer an option for me. I can't go back to it, because if I went back, I am pretty sure it would kill me. I don't think I would recover from another relapse.
I am not sure why you don't want to go to AA, however, I have had to do a lot of things that were and are outside of my comfort zone when I quit. One thing I always asked myself when I was asked to do something I didn't want to was ask myself if I would have done it to drink. And the answer was always yes.
I put a lot of effort into staying drunk so I have to put the same if not more effort into staying sober. I personally am willing to do anything to hold on to my sobriety.
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