midnightapt

I often feel like I can never be forgiven for some of the things I did when I was a drinker. I am over three years sober now, and I constantly feel like I am a "bad" person, and I don't deserve to be with "good" people. I have done practically nothing to be ashamed of since I have gotten sober, but rather than feeling grateful I am more often full of guilt and paranoia. Can anyone relate to this?

CAPTAINZING2000

We can always make living amends for anyone we caused pain to in the past.

SoberLeigh

In was just thinking the EXACT same thing.

mfanch

I did until I realized two things:

1. To keep doing that was still ego. The attention (whether positive or negative) is still on ME ME ME.

2. It says in the promises that we use our experience to benefit others. And I do. It is because I have done those things that I have street cred and can relate to the next suffering alcoholic and help her. It's not about me.

What's really nice about it all is that by taking the steps, we are relieved of these feelings and can rightly be of service to our fellow man. I love it.

GreenEggsAndHam

I could if I think too much about it. I cringe when I think of things I've done, but quickly try to push them out of my mind.

Looking forward to progressing in the steps and being able to forgive myself for many things.

Nevertheless

I wouldn't say I feel like I don't deserve to be with good people.
But I still feel bad about a lot of the things I did when I was drinking.
I guess I did torture some myself some the first year or so after I quit.
This is something AA is supposed to help you with,and I do believe it helped me.
But the fact is,there isn't anything we can do about the past. But the future is a completely different ball game. Mental wounds sometimes take longer to heal than physical wounds. But the fact you have done little to be ashamed of since you quit means you DO deserve to be with good people.
Are you still hanging out with what you might consider bad people?

Fred

Gottalife

My experience also.

The AA book says they found that when someone relapsed, often the cause was to be found in the fact that they had not completed the fifth step. The modern saying is "your secrets keep you sick"

But there is more. The essences of spiritual experience is manifested when our liabilities are turned into assetts. " We will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. We will see how our experience can help others".

Those memories no longer trouble us, instead they serve a useful pupose.

When I first came to AA, I was not keen on owning up to my many wrongs, but I soon saw that I would not be able to stay sober if I tried to keep all that stuff locked up in my head. One apsect was the lonliness it caused. Sitting in meetings 'our stories disclose in a general way' I heard the general stuff but not the specifics of what I did. I thought I must be the worst person ever to come to AA. Such shame.

But I was released through the 5th step. I discovered that I was just a run of the mill alcoholic. The stuf I did was just normal alcoholic stuff, I was no longer alone.

I am unable to suggest any other way of dealing with this effectively. If there was an easier path, I'm pretty sure I would have found it, I looked hard enough.

EndGameNYC

As many have commented on SR, the AA Big Book Twelve Steps provide for this. The Big Book doesn't teach people how to stop drinking, and alcohol is mentioned only once in the Twelve Steps. It doesn't tell me that what I did while I was drinking was okay because I have a disease, but it also doesn't tell me I'm a piece of $hit either. It provides me with a way out.

What you're describing is an ongoing struggle for many of us. As I've said, I worked my way out of my own personal hell by working through the Twelve Steps with the help and support of other people in AA. There are other ways of freeing ourselves from our past, but all of them include working on ourselves in the care of people we trust. It doesn't happen over night but, like love, we find it difficult to describe, but we know when we're in it.

I wouldn't have spent all the time I have in AA and working with my sponsor if all it did was keep me abstinent. That's no way to live. Instead, it's freed me to live my own life, one that I now cherish. AA is a means to an end, not an end in itself.

courage2

Midnight, are you doing anything to cleanse your conscience? Talking to someone honestly about the things you feel guilty about will help. Then you might find, especially if you have a good person to confide in who wants to help you, that there are some specific things that you can do that will help you resolve some of your past issues.

I don't know if you're in AA, but I agree with earlier posts that this is what AA stepwork is about, starting with 4 or 5. But I don't think that you need to be in AA to do it -- it could be done through therapy or church, if one of those suits you better.

Wishing you the best -- I'm very much in a similar place.

jdooner

I did but as others have said working the steps released all regrets. I regret nothing. I move forward doing the next right thing and have made my amends and let go of all the lies and secrets through the 12 steps.

I laughed at people who would say that they would never trade the worst day sober for the best day drunk. I had what I thought were some wild and fun times and thought these saying were full of ****. Took me six months and a massive amount of work but I would echo the cliche. Where I have gotten too I would never go back even for a day.

Anna

I wonder if you've tried journaling? I really struggled with the guilt and shame for a long time in recovery, too. When I started writing down the feelings, it did help to let them go.

And, mfanch is right. It is still ego that has you hanging on to the negative feelings. Letting go of them will help your recovery.

queenofheartz09

I've done a lot of crappy things to people but it's amazing how forgiving most can be, one way I try to forget is to make positive experiences with those people again and think of those times instead

newwestdork

Still struggling with this myself, suggestions are welcome!

Aellyce

I have only 2 months sober and still struggle with these thoughts nearly everyday. Not only what I did while drinking, but also often when I do something I regret later sober... I'm starting to have the feeling more and more that in my case a lot of this has to do with my being prone to anxiety. By this I mean that I sometimes overreact things and automatically focus on negative consequences and it can be hard to let these thoughts go. Interestingly, when I have low anxiety days, I suddenly care about these much less and feel much more accepting myself and my actions, much more able to evaluate them without exaggeration. So for me a core component of recovery is working on improving anxiety management. Anxiety is associated with certain chemically regulated states of the brain and this is why it can be just as hard to control it consciously as a depressive episode, and it can affect almost everything we think, feel, and do. At >3 years sober, I would think that probably most of the acute anxieties due to drinking and quitting are settled, but if you are someone who's prone to anxiety naturally, by default (like myself), you will always need to deal with this type of sensitivity. I also find that a lot of my general self-esteem issues are caused by anxiety.

I like what people have suggested here about working the 12 steps. I'm contemplating going to AA for this very reason now even though I don't really feel right now that I need it for maintaining sobriety per se. But I like a lot of principles about the 12-step program and am thinking perhaps it could help me get some relief from my tendency to mentally overreact via increasing the positive, rewarding effects of trying to become a better person and happier with myself. In some ways, right now I also view it as a potential anxiety management approach in addition to other benefits outside of myself etc.

Dee74

I had to realise we can't change a second of yesterday. It's done.
3 years is a long time to be fixated on the past.

Maybe it's time to forgive yourself...and to remember today is a gift.

My energy is certainly better directed to doing the right things today.

I found volunteer work was great for me to get out of my own head and help others.
It made me feel better about myself too

D

matt4x4

Living amends cant be substituted for a face-to-face talk on the matter, with the person(s) involved. Seems like an easy-out, just to make a "living amend".

Johno1967

I used to relate to self loathing, regret and fear until I realized some important truths:
1. I'm loved and deserve to be loved
2. I can forgive myself if God can
3. Yesterday is gone, the present is all that matters.
4. Faith negates fear.

Sobriety is a chance to redefine who you are. The person you were no longer exists. Taking action by living how you think you should live and making amends where you can will help you put the past behind you and move on.

enfinthechange

I fell the same, and am now often musing about the past 20 years of getting drunk and making mistakes - were they all due to alcohol..... pretty much I think. But there is nothing I can do about it however much I dwell , I cant change the past. But I can try to understand why , try to be the person I want to be. And if I do that, then surely I am a better person ... so if you are not hurting anyone now, and are being a nice person, that is what you are, and will continue to be!!! 'You are the person you are trying to be' my husband says to me... maybe he's right!

You can also try visualising - take an event, think on it, examine it, apologise, resolve and see how it could be made better. Then put it in a box in your head, and stack it in the far corner of your brain - label it ' **** that happened. I have dealt with it' ..... if it pops up again, you know where to put it!!!

courage2

I'm going to be disagreeable as usual but this topic is on my mind a lot lately.

Am I the only person who finds something very alcoholic and suspicious about all this "the past is past" and "forgive yourself" stuff? Like we can make amends for wrongs done by imagining that we've dealt with them (no offense, enfin) instead of dealing with them?

Sounds somehow very convenient. "Oh my goodness, I have to protect my fragile sobriety at all costs, so I'll move on emotionally, or shelve it" -- even at the expense of others.

For many of us, the past is not past. We are still engaging with people we've harmed through alcoholism-related behavior. Just visit the F&F forum to see some of what they think.

Say I'd ripped someone off when I was active for a large amount of money. The past is past, I forgive myself, I deal with it through visualization. Crap, says the person we owe money to.

Not everything is as obvious as money. But shouldn't we remember -- and as alcoholics we love to forget this -- that people we hurt through are drinking may be wandering around with just as much unresolved baggage as we are. Don't we owe them anything?

tomsteve

I used to have regret and remorse about my past.
then I decided I wanted to clear away that wreckage. there were many people I ripped off. many people I harmed. I didn't just say,"yup, that's in the past. I forgive myself." I went to all them people I had ripped off and harmed. I admitted my mistakes, paid back what I owed and did what I could to set right my wrongs. whether or not they accepted wasn't on my shoulders. there was only so much I could do.

forgiving myself was extremely important. it wasn't a matter of just,"ohh, I did that and its in the past." I had to see I was a sick man,then do whatever I had to do to clear away that wreckage and get further away from the man I was.
today I can look back on my past. I can look at my past actions. nope, I don't approve of any of it, but I am very greatful and thankful im not that man any more and I have done what I could to make amends to the people I had harmed.

"We are still engaging with people we've harmed through alcoholism-related behavior."
yup, im one of them. through changing me and making amends, those people actually like me around now. there are even times my past actions come up. there is no resentment from those that bring it up. we can laugh about it, seeing today the insanity I was in back then.


"But shouldn't we remember -- and as alcoholics we love to forget this -- that people we hurt through are drinking may be wandering around with just as much unresolved baggage as we are. Don't we owe them anything? "

all I can do is clear away my side of the street. there are some who didn't accept my amends. I did what I could. if they want to hold onto resentments that is their choice and I don't have the power to make a person change their mind any more than any other person had the power to change me.. I have talked to them about it but they choose to hold onto them. I have wished them the best and let them know that if they ever decide to be free of the resentments, call me and I will help.