007

So yesterday I met up with a friend for a quick drink on sunday because I am leaving for a few months to go and work in Spain.

So we had a couple of beers and then his girlfriend and a couple of their friends joined us. We had a few more beers and it all seemed to be going quite nicely. The problem is after a certain point in the night I don't remember and the next thing I knew I woke up in my bed.

I knew instantly that I had blacked out (familiar feeling) and I just feel so terrible now not knowing what I did or said.

I left my friend a message on facebook apologising for being drunk. He said that he has my jacket and phone (I have no idea why I didn't have them).

My dad said that I was drunk when I came in and was peeing on the cooker and then went to sleep in the kitchen. I don't remember anything.

I just feel so terrible. It's so embaressing, especially when other people are behaving themselves and just having a nice evening in the pub. Not me, I have to get absolutely wasted! Why! Why cant I control myself??

I do stupid things with drink too. I mean I was only meeting a friend but I felt the need to have a bottle of leffe from the off licence before I walked in the pub, just to be sure that I would be 'on'. I also have a tendency to drink the strongest beer available because I want to be sure to get the maximum effect so that I am chatty and 'fun'. The problem is that this means I just get drunk so quickly and I never know when enough is enough. I get quite obnoxious when drunk too. I just hope to god that I didn't do anything TOO bad.

So yeah, a nice little sunday evening drink turns into another catastrophic blunder for me. God knows what people think of me.

Anybody relate to this?

jdooner

The tenor of your post does not seem like you want to stop. It seems like you want forgiveness for being an active alcoholic.

Most people on this board including myself can relate but how about looking into changing your variables.

What's your plan to improve your situation?

007

Well, the problem is I go through periods of wanting to stop altogether but during these periods I'm not very sociable. Drinking seems to go hand in hand with being sociable, but the problem is that it goes too far. I suppose what I would like to do would be to be able to moderate but I don't think that is possible.

I suppose getting my head around never drinking is quite daunting, but I think that is perhaps what I need to do.

I am starting a job in Spain next week working at a holiday camp teaching english and I think I will need to just introduce myself to the people there as a non-drinker. I just can't have these kinds of accidents there...

tomsteve

why introduce yourself as a non drinker?
when I was drinking I thought that was part of being sociable. it was a lie I was tellin myself. I had to learn how to be sociable without alcohol. that took practice and T.I.M.E.

you go through periods of wanting to stop, but do you stop? how long are these 'periods?"

if you want to moderate, I wish you the best of luck with it. if ya take the time to go through threads on here, you will see how good that didn't work for others.

007

I do go through periods of stopping, for several months at a time and then I will have times when I'm able to drink ok with no problems but I'm still prone to blacking out and acting stupid. I'm just not in control of it, I never know when I'm going to go too far. It really surprised me that I blacked out last night, I was in a pub, drinking beer. I didn't drink spirits or anything and the night was not particuarly boozy...I'm pretty shocked by it and it has made me reassess my attitude to drink again. I think I don need to quit.

And when I said introduce myself as a non-drinker, I mean, that if we go to a bar or something or if someone offers me a drink, I would just say that I don't drink, or I'm doing a 'dryathlon' or something like that.

jdooner

Let me just throw this back at you...do your think blacking out saying and doing things you regret and pissing in you parent's kitchen is social? Seriously?

What you are trying to wish for is to be a normal drinker but your not and never will be. The sooner you can come to terms with this the better you will be.

You are deluding yourself to think that you have to drink to be social. Yes, people socialize in a bar or over drinks. They are not pissing in the kitchen though.

While I don't recommend it in early sobriety, as you gain sober muscles you too can still be social even in a bar. Its prob better to find other establishments and activities though but it is possible.

If you are an alcoholic and you drink you will have these "accidents." In fact you will most likely loose your job over time and be posting about he epic fail to come on SR. I just hope others' pain and experience might be enough to save you the misery but we all have to walk our own walk.

Good luck.

Also, I see you have joined in 2010, posted 10 times? If your serious about making a run, be a bigger part of this community.

FeelingGreat

Hi 007, lots of alcoholics take a long time to realise they can never drink normally. They (we, because I was one as well) might have long periods of sobriety, but it always reverts. Moderation is not possible in the long run. That's really hard to come to terms with; it took me years.
Like you, alcohol helped me to be sociable, but that could have been done with just a couple of drinks; it didn't take a bottle a night. I am an alcoholic - I will never be able to stop at one drink, just like I'll never win the Olympic marathon or compose a symphony.
You have some pretty serious reasons to stop because blackouts are inherently harmful to your brain, and because of risky behaviour that may hurt you or others. And are you happy with the way your parents and friends see you?
Once you can accept the truth about your relationship with alcohol you will be on the road to recovery.

Hawkeye13

It is hard to be social without alcohol at first if that's how you've always done it, but it can be done.

You are getting a chance to "rewrite" who you are in this new job.
I think saying you are a non-drinker is a great idea if you are willing to stick to it
with no exceptions.

One thing I did to learn how to be social without alcohol was to practice good listening skills in public situations.
I would maintain good eye contact, be a supportive listener, and ask people "real" questions about themselves
with follow-up questions showing I was really paying attention and thinking about what they said.

This takes the pressure off you to "perform" and people really like you for it.
It gives you an opportunity to get beyond the superficial BS so many of us settle
for as "friendship conversation" and really connect with others.

Best of luck in your job and eat lots of Tapas instead of the booze

Climber122

Hi 007 - I just wanted to encourage you and let you know that a lot of us drank to feel "social". It's not fun to feel awkward, shy or feel "less than" when around other people - I certainly understand from personal experience and from hearing hundreds of others share about the same in AA meetings. I too never thought I could enjoy life without alcohol, but I can tell you that life is far, far richer when we meet "life on life's terms."

If alcohol could bridge that awkward social gap for you and had no side effects, I would say why not drink? But look at the reality of it - what happens when you do drink? Not what happens to other people, but what happens to you? These results don't seem to be ones you are satisfied with, and these things keep happening as a direct result. Another question to ask yourself that might seem silly, but think about it: if eating carrots caused blackouts, embarrassment and terrible hangovers for you, would you stop eating carrots? Probably... right? So why is stopping drinking a problem? What's different between alcohol and carrots?

Keep coming around and reach out for support - sobriety is the way to live...

Nonsensical

Most alcoholics can relate to this.

Elisabeth888

Hell yes I relate to your experience! I stayed at home and drank alone because I can't handle the anxiety after a night out.

Then I got freaked out being at home alone and I put the plug in the jug and went and picked up a white chip. I was going to die out there or wind up in jail. It wasn't pretty.

007

I am afraid of losing my job if I have an accident in Spain. This I am very worried about. This is why I am going to be firm about not drinking when I am there. Too much at stake to risk.

gaffo

I suppose drinking will always be a character in the movie of my life but after a couple of years of sobriety, I can honestly say that I don't have to think about it all the time anymore and that is definitely GOOD. I come here a lot but the obsession has lifted for the most part.

I hated blackouts and hangovers. Ugh.

PurpleKnight

Yeah you can't square the circle of having a problem with alcohol, there's no way around it.

I also think that by making changes to our approach to alcohol we can still enjoy a social life, Sober doesn't equal hermit, personally I still attend sports games, watch sports with mates, go to the cinema, go for dinner, I'm now Sober doing those things and even found I enjoy doing them more.

We gotta change our lifestyle to remain Sober, not continue the same lifestyle but simply eliminate alcohol!!

jaynie04

Once I crossed a certain point attempting to moderate was like getting into a car with faulty brakes. A lot of times, actually, most of the time, I would manage and there would be not grave error. But every time I turned the key in that ignition I was basically tossing my fate to the wind. Continuing to drive that car and posturing that I was at all in control got riskier with every try.

The only way I could own my fate was to get a "new car". I refuse to be at the whim of something unreliable and with the potential to harm me or someone else seriously. I wasn't brave when I was driving the car with the faulty brakes. I was brave when I handed over the keys and bought a new car, a car that promises to deliver as long as I do my part and steer it straight.

Drinking, or attempting to moderate is simply continuing to drive with faulty brakes hoping each time that they don't give out.

heath480

It dosen't sound sociable to be behaving like you in a blackout.If you cannot guarantee your behaviour when you drink Alcohol ,the only option is to stop.

Please ignore what karate posted,there is no treatment for Alcoholism,but we can live happy lives if we remain Alcohol free.Stay away from the first drink whatever happens,then you can't get drunk.

Wishing you well in your new job.

Leshar

Hello, 007

I believe that if blacking out is a familiar feeling, you must pay attention to this. That alone is indeed "too bad". Your situation is serious, and in my opinion you need to banish all thoughts of "moderation".


Good luck as you embark on your new job. But "accidents" don't just happen. You have the means to address this issue and build an armamentarium of tools to use to lead you to a better, more fulfilled life.
Start by hanging out here! We've all been through the mill and we can help one another.
All the best!

EndGameNYC

Many of us have tried and failed at using willpower alone, often miserably.

Being "firm about not drinking" is not a plan for sobriety; it's a familiar and well-worn step on the path to drinking.

Hawkeye13

If you are blacking out, I believe you are well past the stage of "ability to moderate" in your drinking.

I know this from personal experience.
A plan that works tends to focus on specific strategies about what you will do, not what you won't do, if it is to work.

If Spain really is that important, you should develop and begin your plan right now
and not when you are under pressure in a new environment.

I wish you luck, but really planning and commitment to sobriety are the true "deciders"

jdooner

This is such a great analogy. There is science behind what is happening in our brains that make moderation impossible for the alcoholic, in my opinion. When you are an alcoholic you have damaged your brain. Specifically, you have damaged the prefrontal and orbital cortex. This is our Executive decision center. This means your reward motivation pathway has been impaired.

Simply put when you have a thought or an obsession, as an alcoholic or addict you cannot say no. It is not your fault. This is why you will fail time and time again Karate. Its why you will loose your job 007 if you are an alcoholic and don't develop a toolbox to deal with your issues (you need to come to terms with this though). AA and the Big Book agree with this stance, but my opinion is formed from a much broader set of inputs. Rational Recovery agrees with this but focuses on empowerment - still using its toolset though.

So what does this mean? It means that you have to have tools to deal with urges, thoughts, compulsions, and obsessions, not willpower. Once alcohol is gone so is the craving, its physical. But the thoughts are what lead to relapse. For the alcoholic without a set of tools, either SR, AA, RR, SMART, Lifering, Meditation, Yoga or a combination, you are an abject slave to your mind and whiteknuckling until your next relapse (will and time are your only variables).

This is the value in AA's steps, in my opinion.

*These are my thoughts and opinions from my experience and should be taken as such. They do not apply to normal drinkers and only addicts/alcoholics.