reds

Hello all. First, I'd like to say how much courage all you people have. I applaud all your efforts!! I have a problem with my best friend and I have no idea what to do. I'm hoping for some advice. I'll try to make this quick. So, here's the deal. I'm what I would consider a fairly heavy drinker. I drink beer often (3-5 times a week). I usually drink 3-5 beers in a single setting, and have been know to drink a whole 6 pack on rare occasions. But I don't really think I have a true problem. Or at least not one that causes me any distress in life. However, my best friend (and drinking buddy) is a different story.

We have been drinking buddies for decades and he could always easily drink me under the table. I guess he's been an alcoholic for years and years and sadly it just never occurred to me how serious his problem was. He now drinks about 18-20 beers a night. He's starting to look bad and it's weird cause he don't ever even seem to get a buzz off that many beers. I believe if he don't stop he will die soon.

Problem is, how in the world can I say anything to him when I drink also?? I feel like a hypocrite. He really don't have anyone else in his life that I can turn to for help. He has a girl he see's every so often, but I doubt she would be much help. Plus, she drinks like a fish too. I stopped drinking with him of course, but now he's just drinks alone. Anyone have any advice on how I can deal with this problem?? Oh, and I have mentioned to him that he needs help and of course I get the ol "your a *****" or "shut up, im just fine", or "you only live once" kinda replies. Thanks for any advice!!

Dee74

Hi red - it's tough, especially if you've tried and been rebuffed.

I'm not sure what else you can do, apart from letting him know you're concerned - and you've already done that

Maybe you stopping drinking completely could be a way to inspire him?
It's worth a shot - wouldn't do you any harm either, right?

D

Another

I'm sorry to hear about your best friend, It's awesome that you care so much to seek advice. Really it will have to be his choice to cut back enough to safely quit if he ever becomes interested in doing so. Any kind of sober hang out time that you can get in together with your bud the better as he can see what he misses every day. A clear mind is essential to understanding what needs to be done in ones own life

DAG417

One way I've heard of trying to help out a friend is by telling them you won't drink with them anymore. The problem with this method is that it can backfire, and they might just start drinking more at home. This happened with my best friend and myself, after I made a huge fool of myself at a bar. It didn't open my eyes until much later. I'm sorry this doesn't help much right now, but I know it had a big impact in my recovery after the backlash.

matt4x4

I dont really know what "drink me under the table" really means, even though I have heard people say that for years and years. Probably an egotistical thing, I can drink more then you ever can or whatever. The fact is its not how much we drink, its what it does to us. No one person can ever diagnose anyone else as being an alcoholic, especially a layman, or friend or family member. All I can do is tell short stories about my drinking history or drunk-a-log, how when I start to drink I cant stop, tell what boozing it up does to a person physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Having DT's is an obvious sign, but there are more subtler signs as well. I get the warm fuzzy feeling at about the first or second drink, depending on if I am guzzling or trying to act like a normal drinker in front of people. Then I get the craving of wanting more. Then I get the mental fog that settles in. All I want is the bottle. It has been proven to me time and time again that I am an alcoholic. Straight up alcie. I can never sit down and have just one or two or 3 drinks. But then again I am a tall, heavy dude and it takes a lot for me to get my drunken buzz on. Now a thin and light male or female, it might take a 6 pack to get hammered. I have a friend like that, he drinks a 6 pack of beer that is roughly 8% alcohol per volume. So technically that is like a 12 pack of your regular american 4% beer. Its not how much we drink, it is what it does to us.

reds

Thanks all....hmmm, except maybe Matt. Not really sure what you were trying to say, but thanks anyway's. Are you implying that he is maybe not an alcoholic??? The dude drinks 20 beers every day??? I gotta assume that's a severe alcoholic right??

I have stopped drinking with him. In fact, I haven't had a beer myself in about two or three weeks. I work swing shift and i'm currently on mids for the next two months, so of course beer is not possible at this time. I'm will try to talk to him one more time and see how that goes. If not, well, he's an adult so I guess I have to let him live his life the way he wants.

LadyinBC

I could be wrong but what I think he is trying to say is that it isn't up to us to judge if someone is an alcoholic or not.

At the end of the day only your friend can decide if he is an alcoholic. It definately sounds like he does have a problem.

Unfortunately he is the only one that can decide if he wants to quit drinking or not. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It is hard to watch.

Climber122

Thanks for posting Reds - sadly your friend is probably on the quick track to some bad times, and until he is compelled either by negative medical consequences or the law he will likely just keep going, and even then we can sometimes keep at it. I know I used to equate my independence with drinking - if you told me I was drinking too much I'd tell you that you were boring, or less free, or some other such crap and then drink a shot in your face to spite you. The most you can do as a friend is tell him you think he has a problem, and leave it at that, but I appreciate your caring about him enough to try. Just keep in mind this isn't on you at all - this is his addiction. Could be God has something in store for him that will make him think twice in the future, but who knows? I have seen some miraculous recoveries but this usually happens after we've taken a pretty good beating and tried to stop on our own for a long time. But again, the more we confront addicts/alcoholics the more their resistance is raised and the more resolute they become in their current behavior - it's like trying to squeeze a big new bar of soap in the shower - the tighter we squeeze the quicker it shoots out of our fingers.. Addiction is a sad thing.

IOAA2

Hi. You might do a web search "AA 20 questions" and let him IF he's interested answer the questions. Remembering that only the individual can make the choice of drinking or not drinking. Many people admit to being an alcoholic but continue to drink.

BE WELL

Sanantoniosober

Sadly, your friend likely will not quit drinking no matter what you say or do until HE wants to stop drinking. Best thing you can do is be there for him, and continue to not drink around him. When/if he does decide to stop, he'll have a buddy who still hangs out with him and doesn't drink. Hell, my best friend still drinks but made an effort not to around me when I was trying to quit, even though he was honest with me and told me he did still drink. Now I am at the point where people drinking around me no longer bothers me. If anything, I keep an eye on them if they have to many, because I know I'm sober and can drive them home if necessary.

Again, just be there for him for when/if he does decide to stop. It's so much better not going through quitting alone if you can.

caboblanco

I think being sober yourself but at the same time loving but not judging your friend is the best way to go. Very few people like to be told to drink or not. sobriety can be contagious. It happened with my friend. I never took credit for it. I didn't even bring it up

Hope4Life

Hi reds and welcome to SR. Unless your friend can admit to himself that he has a problem, there is NOTHING you can do to help him. I applaud your efforts to try and help him but it has to be his decision and he has to follow through with DETERMINATION in order to get sober.

I apologize if this is not helpful for your situation but I have something that may help you personally. Please take a look at this.

http://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/fact-shee...e-drinking.htm

Good Luck.

matt4x4

Only the person themselves can decide.

ErikT

I have always thought that the phrase should be "only they can decide when they want to get help" because most times....its painfully obvious to others that we are alcoholics....I mean....20 beers a day? Sounds like an alcoholic to me....I get what the saying means....but id like to see it tweaked a bit...

yeahgr8

Get sober and after a while, months/years, he will begin to believe that you have found another way and will then either start taking an interest or not.

Thepatman

Your friendship is important to him. We Alcoholics are not usually good with ultimatums. But tell him it's affecting your negatively, that you might keep some distance from the destruction, but that your hand is there if he is willing to grab it.

Sanantoniosober

I agree with this completely. I think I knew deep down I had a problem when I was drinking over 12 drinks each night. I knew I would have problems if I stopped, and at that point I was still able to "normally" function with my drinking. I denied that I was an alcoholic because it hadn't affected my day to day yet unless I stopped.

Then I got to the point where I had to stop and I couldn't. Thank God I was able to want to stop. Without that want, I'd be dead right now.

matt4x4

Well many people drink 20 beers a day, until his/her first dui, or they get cancer, or crash the car, then they stop. Or they have a baby. No one can force anything upon no one, it just doesnt work. Try to force anything down an alcoholics throat, he or she will just puke it back up.

reds

I would actually hope there are VERY few people in the world that actually drink 20 beers a day right??? I mean c'mon. Sure there's a handful. But many??? If I drank 20 beers in 3 day's I'd be in the ER. If I drank 20 at once, I'm sure i'd be dead. I alway's thought my buddy was one of a kind.

I have a question and i'm not joking. Where does this beer go?? I mean, he has a small stomach and he's super muscular. So I gather that many beers would be like the size of two gallons of milk right?? His stomach ain't that big. Do people **** all that out? I dunno. I just always wondered where it is stored.

Sanantoniosober

From my experience, people who drink that much don't eat much and that's why they can sometimes not appear fat or bloated. When I drank I could drink that much, and people were amazed at how much weight I lost just from replacing food with booze. Of course, I didn't tell them that, just said I was eating better. Truth is, I'd have maybe one meal a day, and a bad one at that-just a burger, or a couple of tacos, and the rest of my intake was booze.

I quit drinking and the weight came on because I'm eating now. Time to lose it the right way I suppose.