meiha636

Hi, I am new here but only as a member, I have been reading these threads for about 1.5 years now. 8 months sober until last week and I drank excessively for 3 days, managed to pick myself up and stay sober for another week, now am suffering the effects of 2 days heavy drinking again. The feelings are the worst, I feel such guilt and shame and like I am the worst person EVER. I'm just reaching out for tips re. what I should be telling myself and how to handle these sick feelings, thank you in advance. My thoughts are just unbearable at the moment.

Coldfusion

Welcome, Meiha!

Have you thought of getting any support for your sobriety quest, like going to an AA meeting?

meiha636

I go to meetings as often as possible, unfortunately because my better half works shift work I am stuck at home with the kids a lot of the time. I've been to plenty this week though, but it didn't stop me pouring bottles down my throat by Friday.

Dee74

Welcome Meiha

I think you could worse that posting and reading here daily - particularly when you have the urge to drink.

You could join the November thread - it's a support thread for anyone quitting or trying to quit this month

There's also online AA meetings you might want to investigate?

D

rAAt

You may now agree that staying sober on your own doesn't work - if your like me you could find the only thing that does work is the simple program of AA.

meiha636

That's it in a nutshell. I can't do it on my own. I just don't know how to start the ball rolling again with all of these awful thoughts in my head.

Itchy

I know what I'd do. Start with AA, see your doc and read him into your situation honestly and take a physical as well as emotional inventory. Check locally for any counseling if you think that might help. Keep reading and posting here. But first:

Vandermast

hi i am in rehab at the moment....had 7 years...then 2 years....now perhaps 30 days.....as a relapser myself.....i am aware that the toxic shame you are experiencing will only plague your renewed efforts to get sober.....dont buy in to the crap in your skull, and seek support, lots of it.

best of luck

v

Marine28

Hi Melha - I tried to quit on my own for over 6 years. It wasn't until I got into an AA program that I find I am able to stay sober. Do you have a sponsor? Did you get a phone list at your meetings? If you feel the urge to drink, you should use the phone and call someone on that list - anyone. Also, regarding those thoughts - they say in AA that we don't shoot our wounded so just go back to a meeting if you can, or if not, there are great online meetings throughout the day. If you need help finding the online meetings or chat room, feel free to PM me. Glad to help. Helping you helps me.

Ptcapote

Meiha, welcome and so sorry you went through that. What everyone else here is saying, especially as regards AA, is good advice.

As far as those feelings of guilt and shame... believe me, I know how you feel. But here's the thing, it is those feelings exactly that will keep you where you are and likely lead you to drink again. This is the nasty cycle of alcoholism and, if you let it, it will keep you there forever.

There is absolutely nothing you can do about the past. You cannot go back and take the fact that you drank away so fixating on it is only doing one thing: letting your disease win and live to fight another day. You are NOT a bad person. You have a drinking problem. That's it. You got eight months and now you can and will do it again.

Step out of that nasty cycle. Do something physical or whatever it takes to get you out of your head for awhile. Then go to AA and start again knowing that you learned something this time and are back stronger than ever.

But every moment you spend ruminating on the fact that you drank is one more coin you're sticking into the coffers of your AV to cash in on in the future. Don't put any more energy there.

It's done. You are going to come back much, much stronger now.

meiha636

Thank you so much for this, there are some real jewels in there that I can cling to. Does anybody else feel like they're great at giving advice but bad at receiving it? I know the things I'd tell a fellow alkie if they relapse, and yet I can't seem to take my own advice. I have a day sober again, and I have a meeting to go to tonight, I'm also taking my baby for a walk today to sweat some of this crap out. It's pouring down here and my motivation isn't exactly through the roof, but I know I need to get out and walk. It's good for my body and my mind - the latter is chocka full of stinking thinking still. I have to admit that I haven't told my sponsor yet - about this weekend or last, the fear of her reaction is debilitating. Yet I know that I have to, the shame is eating me up. It's my pride, my ego getting in the way again. I really thought i WAS different - so stupid! I've watched so many relapse and I guess I have to admit that I thought I was better because I didn't. Ugh, I hate admitting that but it's the truth. Now of course, I feel WORSE than all of them because not only have I lapsed TWICE in a week, I can't get honest enough to admit my weakness. Man this sucks!!!

TrixMixer

WHOAAAA! Girlfriend, don't throe the baby out with the bath water! You managed to stay sober for 8 months---doesn't that account for something. Yes you relapsed, yes you have to stop drinking again and reset the AA clock, but give yourself a break ---you got 8 months under your belt. Something you thought, believed, said, listened to helped you find that inner strength to fight the addiction. Good for you, just do it again, and again , and again until 8 months turns into 16 months, turns into 1 year--yada, yada.

You have been given a gift ...the ability and strength to STOP drinking. Some of us Never get that opportunistic gift. Use the knowledge of those 8 months as building blocks for a stronger foundation this time. We don't give up because a relapse, hell none of us would ever be sober if that were the case.

Come here girlfriend and talk to us --we got your back!

Of course ALL of the above is ONLY my opinion!

Start over!
TrixMixer

LadyBlue0527

You already started the ball rolling, you posted here.

We are all in this together and we know what you're feeling. I'm glad that you posted

EndGameNYC

Tending to other people's struggles is a great and very popular way of avoiding our own stuff. As long as I'm helping someone else, I'm "entitled" to not address my own issues.

meiha636

Ugh, what a difference 2 days makes! I'm so pleased I came onto these forums and posted, both for the wonderful support I've received - but also being able to look back at my first post and see the difference only 48 hours makes!
I've been to meetings and plugged myself back into support and 80% of the dreadful feelings have passed. I've been reminded not to beat myself into a pulp and to pick myself up and carry on, so far it seems to be working. One day at a time!

pixy

Another relapser here. I did it after 5 years sober, and understand the pain you now feel. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and that it was harder going back into a meeting, then it was going into my very first one. All this though is in our heads, it is the disease grabbing hold and wanting us to isolate. I too can give out advice, but did I act on anything I knew. No! Only when I find the pain intolerable do I reach out for help, and guess what, it is there, and had been all the time. I look at other people who come into the rooms, they listen, they get on with it, and all is well. Its not like that for everyone, each has their own path to tread, and holding onto sobriety is hard work, but it is worth it. Get a babysitter, get to a meeting, share, and ask for help. Local AA's could maybe drop round for a cup of tea if you are finding it hard to get out.
I am just over 4 months sober now, and it is still hard, but it is me being hard on myself, everyone else is just glad to see me back.