Doug39

Today I am 109 days sober after 25 years of daily drinking.

The first few months of sobriety were quite easy; things are getting tough now.

I am the type of person that once I set my mind on a goal I will do anything and everything to reach it. But once I reach that goal, things sometimes fall apart.

For example: In 2002 my doctor told me to lose weight. I set a goal to lose 50 pounds and I did it - in 7 months time. I stuck to a strict diet because I wanted to prove a point to myself and others that I could do it.

But once I completed the goal I didn't keep the weight off. I gained that 50 pounds back and have even been heavier since.

Now with the drinking. I really didn't want to quit drinking 109 days ago, my doctor put me on Zoloft for anxiety and told me not to drink. I obeyed but didn't stick with the Zoloft because I hated the way it made me feel.

I realized the alcohol abuse was causing my anxiety and I wanted to prove it to myself and my family. I also wanted to prove I could get through every social function sober, and considered the wedding reception I attended last Saturday to be my "final exam".

I passed.

OK now what? I have said I wanted to go one year sober but that is over 8 months away and unrealistic to me. I have been dying to try and drink in moderation but I know that could go bad.

I feel like I completed my goal, proved to myself and everyone that I could do it and now it is time to live a normal life and let loose of this strict sobriety rule.

I know it's my alcoholic voice screaming at me but it is getting louder all the time. My anxiety is at it's lowest level in years, I feel so good - I want to celebrate with a beer!!

Life is tough.

Dee74

Isn't it funny that when we feel good, the thing we most want to do is drink again?
and yet we don;t see that as evidence we have a problem - or a least I didn't...

Don't do what I did -many MANY times - I mistook abstinence for control.
I thought that my life was great because I'd finally curbed my appetite for booze.

I thought if I now were to add a few drinks into the mix, I should be awesome!



I was not.

I found almost immediately I did not have any greater control over my drinking - in fact I seemed to have less control....I very quickly found myself back slap bang at square one.

It took me several years before I could quit again.

I'm glad you made your goal - now maybe it's time to make a bigger goal Doug?

be all that you can be - realise your potential free of the fetters of alcoholism.
I found I could be the person I wanted to be ..or I could drink.

I cannot do both.

Learn to be happy without alcohol - there's one heck of a project...but the rewards really are fantastic, long lasting...and truly life changing

D

Coldfusion

If you are looking for something more in recovery, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous provides a way to improve your life and heal from the past.

Doug39

Thanks but been there, done that. Not my scene.

hopeful4

Now give yourself another challenge, it sounds like you do well when you challenge yourself. Lost weight...check. Went off Zoloft...check. Stopped drinking....check. If your goals now are to lose the weight again (I get that, in the same boat)...make that your challenge. And for the most important challenge of all (you know what you have at risk to lose)...STAYING SOBER AND CLEAN!

I hope you check off all your goals. There are other ways to celebrate than to drink. It would only be taking you back somewhere I seriously doubt you ever want to go again.

Good Luck on your path!

Thepatman

Hope you took the time to read the experience of some of our friends. It's your choice for sure, but Dee and the others got it bang on.

Nothing to add, you have all the knowledge and experience of others that lived similar experiences.

Best of luck, Sincerelly

jkb

Doug-

I get your point and all I can say is that in the past when I quit drinking I did it to prove that I could to other people.... family, friends, etc.

This time when I quit I did it solely because I no longer wanted the life I was living and every day that I am sober the only person I am worried about proving a point to is myself.

GL-

Jes

Hawkeye13

Look at your own example. You lost weight but gained more back later.
Perhaps drinking again would be the same. Not just back to where you were but worse.

It sure was that way for me and many others here.

If you are feeling good and have less anxiety, why mess with that?
Ignore the AV and set a new goal.

George3334

That's a tough one, Doug, and thank you for posting your thoughts. It's coming up on 98 days for me and I've been feeling similar thoughts to those you've expressed. Interesting how I thought once I reached day 90 last week I'd feel like I reached a finish line but that's not the case. I'm beginning to change my view from finish line to more of a stepping stone. I gotta believe that life will get better and better without alcohol and remember how drinking probably did make me more anxious and sad overall. It's just kinda hard to "see" this at the moment after avoiding drink for three months. That's why I appreciate this site and the good people that post experiences on here. Helps me look at the situation and consider for a moment where I've been and where I want to go next.
Good luck and best wishes.

wiscsober

Well....you've said you're alcoholic (alcoholic voice)....so that should be good enough reason to remain abstinent.

For me sobriety isn't an end goal...it's a way of life.

Johnston

If you want to drink again, you likely will. No one can stop you. Good luck with that.

Boleo

In order to get alcohol out of my body I had to use abstinence.

In order to get alcohol out of my life I had to use recovery.

In order to get alcohol out of my mind I had to have a Spiritual Awakening.

BackToSquareOne

We all have the expectation that things are going to be so much better when we reach this, that or the other goal. We reach the goal and very often find out that the only thing that really changed is that we reached the goal. Being sober all the time is better than the alternitive but in no way solves all our problems. If sobriety alone bought you happiness there would be no drunks.

Like2Hike

I'm a goal driven person, too, Doug. Leverage that into your plan. I've one goal that goes before all others every morning as soon as I wake up...."Don't drink today". Like yourself, I'll walk thru **** with a smile on my face to reach a goal. I think I did a few times the first few months.

youbetcha

You remind of myself Doug before recovery. I had incredible will power, if I decided to do something I would direct my will toward it and usually achieve it, except quitting drinking alcohol. I see alot of people on here and in society that think being sober is being "on the wagon," "white knuckling it" and exerting self will and "control" over alcohol. It looks like alot of work to me. When I learned to let go of it instead of control it I found an "easier softer way" that I apply to all areas of my life now.

DayTrader

I learned an important idea when I was new and trying to find my way......from my grand-sponsor with over 50years sober.

If alcohol is your problem, you're probably not alcoholic. When someone for whom alcohol is the problem stops drinking, their problems stop as well. There's no need/desire to drink again because now that you're sober life is grand.

If you're alcoholic, when you stop you soon realized that it wasn't just the booze..... it's the inability to live life happy and sober that's the problem. That's a problem cuz when you drink it's a mess and when you don't it's a mess. And from each vantage point, the grass seems greener on the other side. It's basically what you wrote here: I wanted to go one year sober
now so rationalizing why that decision is a bad one from the position of being "sober" but that is over 8 months away and unrealistic

Now some double-talk: I have been dying to try and drink in moderation but I know that could go bad.

Me.....drinking in moderation was like eating one bite of an ice cream sunday. Sure, I could do it but I didn't enjoy it. Thinking I could control AND enjoy something that I'd NEVER EVER had that experience with is silly. I either control it and feel like I'm holding a tidal wave back........or I enjoy it and get ripped.

I feel like I completed my goal, proved to myself and everyone that I could do it and now it is time to live a normal life and let loose of this strict sobriety rule. --Maybe you should give it a try. Lord knows I did. Maybe this time will be different than the 100's of other times, right? sure it will.......lol

I know it's my alcoholic voice screaming at me but it is getting louder all the time. That, for me, is one of THE big components of being alcoholic - that from a position of sobriety I can't enjoy a sober life.

My anxiety is at it's lowest level in years, I feel so good - I want to celebrate with a beer! So. "this feels great so I wanna quit doing it and try what I used to do and see if I can get that to make me feel better than this.....even though 'that' always made me feel worse."

As someone suggested above, if you're going to drink.........you're going to drink. I don't pretend to believe I can talk you out of it, stop you, scare you.....etc. I would suggest you consider giving recovery a try. When drinking doesn't work, and not drinking doesn't work, recovery from alcoholism is (as far as I know) the only house left on the block.

If you're willing to try reading it, you'd be amazed how much of your post was written in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous." I can think of at leeeeeast a half dozen pages that mirror exactly what you typed.

GirlFromCO

I think it's almost guaranteed to be bad, Doug. You've already been there - for 25 years.


It'll be a lot tougher if you have to start over again after however long it takes you to be ready to quit again. Took you 25 years last time. How long will it take for you to be ready the next time? Think about it, man. You already know where this goes.

Doug39

As always, thank you everyone for your comments, suggestions and support.

I am in no way ready to pick up a drink. I am at 110 days sober and very happy in my sobriety. I am just stubborn and don't want to face the fact that I can never drink again.

Another issue is that I am mourning all the fun things that go along with drinking. I know I said it's not that fun anymore but I miss going to the bar with my wife for a beer. I miss our trips to the wineries. I don't want to face the fact that I can not drink if I do go to these places.

And then here comes the holidays. No champagne and OJ on Xmas morning. We used to drink gin (because it smells like pine needles) when we put up the Xmas tree. No Christmas Ale served in a glass with honey, cinnamon and sugar on the rim. No spiked warm apple cider at the company Xmas party.

Then no drinking at the Super Bowl party. Then no drinking at the reverse raffles I go to in February and March. The list is endless.

I just hate not being able to do what I want when I want even though I know it is bad for me. And with my wife and friends all imbibing while I am sitting there like a stick in the mud it makes things even harder.

tomsteve

why not lower your goal and not drink today. then when ya wake up do it tomorrow.

been workin for me for over 8 years now.

aasharon90

Family did an intervention on me 23yrs.
ago getting me help I desperately needed
at that time in my life. I chose to stay in
rehab 28 days instead of being sent off to
a halfway house away from my family for
6 weeks. I was told if I went home early
that I would surely return to drinking.

I too wanted to prove everyone wrong
and did all I could to the best of my
ability to remain sober each day.

Over the years, I learned I didn't have
to prove to anyone anything. This is
my life, my recovery, my sobriety.

I take full ownership and responsibility
of my own decisions to remain sober
using the tools and knowledge taught
to me from day one of my sobriety each
day applying all to my everyday affairs
to remain happy, healthy and honest.

Proving a point, I don't need to to anyone
else but to the Man upstairs and myself.

To Thy Own Self Be True.