Tetra

I am ready to give up. I just cannot take this anymore.
I can't believe that it was only 9 years ago yesterday that my sister got married and changed our lives. She met and married her husband (an Eastern European) and my mother never got over it. To be blunt, people from Romania are not liked here in Ireland.
You know, we all went to Romania for the wedding. There was an earthquake the night before. That should have been a sign...
My sister does have mental problems. I can't explain what it is exactly. She is fine when she takes her medication every day, but a side effect of it is that she gains weight. My mother says the fact that she married a Romanian against their wishes is another sign of how mentally unstable she is...that if she was "normal" she would not have done that. Maybe that is true, but I secretly believe to get away from my mom, she married the first man who showed interest in her...
Anyway, my brother-in-laws mother is visiting from Romania. We had a "family dinner" last night. The word disaster doesn't even begin to describe...I knew how my mother would react...
I have had a sore tooth since Tuesday and have been feeling ****** anyway. My dentist can't see me until Monday. My mom was an absolute disgrace from the minute we arrived. Calling my sister fat and saying her clothes were awful. (They are hugely in debt, she does not have money for expensive clothes.) Mrs D. is a nice lady, but she had cooked us some typical Romanian food and it was absolutely vile...I was trying to swallow each bite with some water to be polite, then I got a coughing fit and had to go to the toilet. Then it was my turn for the attack: "Why are you sick? You were drinking weren't you? That's why you are sick". (I wasn't actually).
For the journey home, my mom was ranting and raving at us. About how she is the laughingstock amongst her sisters because of her two sick children. I asked my dad once, why is image so important to my mom. He said a lot of it stems from her own childhood. My parents both had good jobs, and out of their three children..my sister and my brother were straight A students. My dad said my mom's life was good, and she enjoyed letting people know it, if you know what I mean. She told me once about her father, she called him "the psychopath". I wanted to say, it sounds like your father treated you the same way you treat us...screaming and ranting and raving". Even today I asked her if she wanted anything from the local shop, she said “all I want is three normal children”…
I just want to lie down and not wake up. I got a call this morning about a job interview, but I don't know about it now. My dad said "you need to put your sparkle back in your life"...
I am still slightly stunned. My life was not supposed to be this way...Everything I do is wrong: “I am not good enough, I am not normal, I am too quiet, the way I wash the floor is wrong…”

Thank you for listening to me. I just needed to get somethings off my chest.

doggonecarl

Sorry you are at the end of your rope.

I am giving up

You need to give up expecting your mom to be something she's not.

You sister got away. Maybe it's time for you to look at distancing yourself from your mom. Or learn how to not react so strongly to her.

Nevertheless

GO TO THE JOB INTERVIEW. A job will get you away for a while. Yes we know your mother will tell you how your job isn't good enough. Don't listen.
If the interview doesn't work out,keep looking. Times are tough,and it's hard to find a job that pays anything. But it would get you away,and keep you busy,and help take your mind off of your mom.
Like they say,we have to accept the things we cannot change. (your mother) And work on the things we can (like a job)
Just my opinion....
Fred

Boleo

Bad news = your life is unmanageable.

Good news = your life is unmanageable.

The spiritual solution starts there. Have you tried it yet?

heath480

I think it is time tetra for you to move away from home.

Nothing you say or do is going to change anyone else.The only person you can change is yourself and you can't do that when you are focusing on other people all the time.

Not easy for you but you deserve to be happy.

Sudz No More

Do a great Job Interview, get the job and get out of that house. You've been wallowing there far too long. I got to a point like that in my teens with my parents and I just left, I found some friends who wanted to go in on a rental and I stayed away for a year and had a good ole time. I moved back after for a year and they were cool. I moved out the year later for good. But that first move was the best thing I ever did for my own sanity. Sounds like you need a drastic change too and it all starts with getting that job to have some independent cash flow. You can do it, think positive.

Dee74

There's some great advice here Tetra.
I spent years wishing my family was something else.

The only thing I can really change is me, y'know?

D

Soberween

Tetra... I've read many of your posts. Your mom is a very toxic person just the same way alcohol is toxic. You need to abstain from both of these things. The way your mother treats you is not normal. My mother would never say any of the crap your mom has said to you. Normal mothers try to build up their children, not knock them down. My dad was a major a**hole to me growing up and even he would never speak to me like your mother. I can tell that you are a sweet, caring person that does not deserve this. Go to the interview. It will help to build your confidence even if you are not hired. If you are hired, you can starting making a plan to make some positive changes in your life. I am really rooting for you.

deeker

Sounds like you are powerless over quite a bit in your life and acceptance is necessary if you don't want to go out of your mind. Worry about yourself.


You have no control over anyone else but yourself. The only thing that can possibly change is your outlook , attitude and perception. Go on that interview, get out on your own. Learn about co-dependency and learn to detach from your Mom.

No one should have that much power over you.

LDT

^^^

LevelingUp

I work hard and not without some setbacks at accepting things I cannot change. When applicable I search for the courage to change the things I can. Although the line is occasionally blurred I ultimately can identify the difference.
Start with taking care of you and recognizing your intrinsic value as a human being. You are worthy of love and capable of forgiveness.

Gottalife

Does this statement ring any bells? It fitted me pretty well.

" We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people "

seashell2005

Tetra, I have IMMIGRATED into a different country because of my mother and the environment I grew up in - to start a new life. I am not suggesting that you should do the same but getting away from a toxic environment is essential for your mental well being.
I agree with all the other posters that you should definitely go to that interview and if you get that job, get away from your mother. Sending lots of cyber huggs to you! :-)

GracieLou

You cannot change your mother, I am sure you know that by now but you also have to let go of the wishing or wanting her to be different. It is not going to happen.

Staying in the mindset of "If only things were different" is not going to do you any good, it only keeps you where you are and in fact gives her all the power. She wants what she wants and you are giving it to her. She says she has to take care of you, the sick little girl, and you are because you are staying in the victim state of mind.

I had many resentments towards my mother. She is a manipulative controlling person that runs her 1098 scenarios over everything. She is lazy. She is not a clean person and is boarder line hoarder. What I wanted most was to keep her far away from me. I was better when I was not near her. I could stuff all those feelings I had aside and live my life. Just hearing her voice on the phone set me off. All of the pain and anger came right to the top. I loved my mother because she was my mom but I hated her.

Even knowing all that and feeling angry I still wanted that "mom". Sometimes I think I wanted that more than anything. To just be a kid and my mom to be a mom. Milk, cookies, bed time stories, constant praise and encouragement, hugs and kisses, job well done and love. I did not get that and the resentments over it tore me apart for years. The hate and the misery I held was a times unbearable. I wanted to scream at her and throw at her every bad feeling and memory I had.

I learned that you can love your family and not like them. It is not a requirement. I am not a bad person. We are just different people. If she was not my mother she would not be my friend. I would not hang out with her or want to go to dinner or a movie with her but that is okay. I don't have to just because she is my mother. I am sure there are plenty of things she does not like about me too and I am fine with that. I can't please everyone.

The point is to make yourself whole. To find the things and the people in your life that make you happy and were you can give back to others. You can be be happy with your mom in your life but she does not have to be the center of it.

hypochondriac

You need to get away from your mother tetra. Even if your parents aren't abusive it still isn't a good idea to stay too long living at home. It is your responsibility to do what is best for you x

readerbaby71

Go to the job interview and many more if you can, so you can make some money and get away from your mother. She's toxic. My best friend has a mom like yours and after years of therapy at 42 she still suffers the effects of being told she's not good enough all the time.

You do not deserve to be treated this way, by anyone. Your father sounds like a decent man but how can he expect you to get the sparkle back in your life when you're being torn down constantly? He has allowed your mother to verbally abuse his children all their lives. I don't understand how anyone could do that.

Look out for yourself and take good care of YOU and everything will fall into place. Ignore your mom as much as you can, and when you hear your own negative voice telling you you're not good enough, tell it to **** off and shut up.

Sorry you have a toothache. Hope you feel better soon......

Leshar

Me too. Tetra, I left Ireland for Canada. I know all about toxic Irish mothers.

Why on earth wouldn't you go to the interview? Please go, as others have suggested. Do your best, it will give you confidence.
Good luck!

bigsombrero

Late to the party, but I would also like to join others in supporting a move. For your own sanity...find a place. Even a little "studio", with a small kitchen and a bedroom. No need for fancy, it will just be great to get a spot to call YOUR OWN. Having your own space is a wonderful step towards a more peaceful existence.

Don't feel pushed, don't feel rushed...but do it. Find a way. Perhaps this should become not just "a" priority, but "THE" priority. It sounds like you are taking steps (job interview, etc) to make this happen. Good luck with everything!

EDIT: I would also like to add that it looks like you are NOT giving up. You are fighting this battle and you still have your sanity. And we are here to confirm that your feelings are spot on, Tetra. It is easy to feel like the crazy one when you're the only sane person living in crazy surroundings. Keep fighting and moving forward.

dirk626

Last night we had a birthday party for my daughter and the family came over and all had what I thought was a nice time. My sister and my niece left a couple hours into the party and goodbyes and hugs were had all around. Later that night my sister sent me a text and apologized for leaving the party so abruptly. She said that our mother was making her very uncomfortable and had not acknowledged her or her daughter the entire evening. My siblings and I all grew up in the same house, but we all had very different childhoods. My sister was never good enough, she was a problem and a disappointment and my mother made sure that she knew it. My sister was emotionally, verbally and physically abused by my mother. Us boys were not. That comes with it's own pain and guilt by the way. Anyway, my sister messaged me that she can't get over wanting her mother's approval even though she knows that it shouldn't matter. I told my sister that she will never get what she wants from our mom. I don't know why my mother is the way she is. I don't know if she realizes how much damage she has caused. Maybe her only way to live with the regret of what she has done is to continue to make my sister the bad guy. I do know that my sister is amazing. She has overcome addiction and abuse; other obstacles that I don't think my mother could have managed. I don't think we get the luxury in life of forgetting, but I do think we can control how much time we spend remembering. We get to decide on forgiveness, and we control how we move forward and to who's voice we give credence. I feel in over my head here but I told my sister to find her support elsewhere, from her brothers and our wives. From other family and friends. She is looking for it where it is not. That's OK, our mom's loss. Best of luck to you and your sister.

TrixMixer

Hi Tetra,

Mom has been a real problem for a long time. In fact I believe you actually were living away from home for a while. Am I right? That is why this job is so very important for you, and if not this one the next one. Your need to break away from your mother is of utmost importance.

I believe deep down you know you are none of the negative things your mother makes you out to be. Unfortunately she is the one with the problem and she should be on medication. Your father seems like a Saint to have put up with her all these years. If there is anyone who is an embarrassment to your family I would vote for her. That is just me and forgive me if this seems harsh.

You know my husband had a very difficult mother and he once said to me" Just because she is my mother does not make me NEED to Love her" She was toxic also, and his son now is and we have not seen him for 10 years because he is a crazy man. Family can be a wonderful supportive element or they can be the most destructive force in your life.

You are entitled to the best life you can make for YOURSELF--Mother does not have to come along for the ride. Allow her to wallow in the making of her own misery. Rescue yourself though , do not let her take you down with her.
She does not need company---she Loves being miserable all by herself!

Please take this criticism in the spirit was give-not to insult your mother but to try and make you see you need to release her from your life.
This is only my opinion, I know too many people like this, and frankly that is why I like "Animals" better.

Best Wishes on your interview!
TrixMixer