blackoutgirl

There will always be someone here on SR when you need to talk. We're all here for you and we DO care very much.

sobergirl77

Thanks. I just feel I can't be honest with most people in my life now. I reached out during my last hospital stay (while under meds) and everyone became so concerned and worried. I hate doing that to people- putting fear into them!! My alcoholic parents, who both died when I was in my teens of alcoholism - cirrhosis - did that to us and it hurt everyone involved. I tried everything I could to avoid doing that to people. I stayed 'under the radar' for years, living in a different state, nobody knew. Nobody in my family had any idea that I was an alcoholic. I was clever, not talking to people when drunk. Blah blah. It ended badly, as lies always do.

I chose to never do that (reveal this issue) to anyone else in my family. I swore to myself for years and years to never reveal this problem. But then my 'dead' dad showed up in a dream/vision and told me that I would die if I didn't become honest with people in my life. That was many months ago but it made an impression. So I immediately told my younger sister, who lives only 5 miles away and is very co-dependant. After all, she went through this with our mother. It made me feel terrible she has to go through this AGAIN. But if dead people show up in visions, it means something - to me, at least. So I confided in her and she helped me. She would bring me food when I wasn't eating anything. She would even bring booze when she knew I would go through DT's. She'd seen my mother go through DT's (like I have too) and knows how horrifying they are.

And then, when in the hospital the last time, only weeks ago, messed everything up. Now everyone knows and is worried. I was using someone elses phone and couldn't figure out the keyboard. I accidentally sent an email that I was in the hospital for "suicidal ideation" to my older sister and younger sister. The older one alerted everyone else. I don't blame her. I mean goodness, she too had parents that died from this. Now her younger sister (me) is having some serious problems. I don't blame her or anyone at all for worrying. But I hate that I am doing this to them.

I am so embarrassed. I never wanted to do this to people in my family. It was done to me and it stinks. My poor younger sister, who I started confiding in this year, was ranted at by the others in my family for knowing and not telling. I feel so terrible about that. I swore her to secrecy, she agreed and never told anyone else. But my stupid email from the hospital told 'everyone'. Now they all know and are worried. I never wanted to do this to anyone I love.

I have a really good chance right now to 'right' my life, make some money to help my financial situation out (which is dire) and I'm about to blow it. Otherwise I will lose my apartment, which is safe, secure and wonderful. In a building full of people who trust me.

What should I do?

sobergirl77

Thank you.

blackoutgirl

I'm still in the beginning stage of recovery myself and have avoided giving advice, but since I'm here I'll tell you what I think. It seems that you are finally being honest with yourself and trying to move in a different direction. That in itself shows that you have a willingness to change. Some people may never admit that they have a problem. My dad for instance has NEVER admitted that he's an alcoholic, never attempted sobriety, and has no intention to. Being honest with yourself is a huge step in the right direction.

Regardless that you were in the hospital a few weeks ago, you may want to consider a medical detox to be safe. I'm not sure how severe your withdrawal symptoms are but maybe you should consider this as the initial step. Your health and wellness should be your first priority. It's easy to feel guilt and shame of how others have been affected by your actions, but to become healthy, you have to embrace YOU and move forward. You're worth the fight Sobergirl. I know you have the strength in you to do this.

sobergirl77

Thanks, trust me, if there was a safe detox place in this city (Tulsa, OK) I would go for it. But I've tried every hospital in the city. NO joke. Was turned away by all but one- St. Francis. But they dont' know how to detox a person. I had hallucinations for 3 days straight that I wouldn't have, had I been given the proper medication. I had to beg for Librium. They were so kind there though. Truly kind and non judgmental, which is a huge plus.

awuh1

Good to hear you're ok. I would consider going to AA. You can get some good face to face support from some people who know what alcoholism is like. It sounds like your Dad knows what you need.

sobergirl77

Yeah they only understand 'sobriety'. I have reached out to multiple (9+) AA friends and they all either ignored me, used me or told me to plead insanity and go to a facility. I did that and it did not work.

FeenixxRising

Glad to hear you're better today Sobergirl. I'm not sure what the exact answer is, but you need to find a way to stop the alcohol. If you've been drinking a bottle of vodka a day, you will almost certainly need to detox safely. Since the hospitals aren't helping, you should see a doctor and tell him/her exactly what's going on and that you want to detox. If one doctor doesn't help, seen another.

Focus on the detox, and go from there.

FeenixxRising

Also, try not to focus on the worry you're causing your family. If you start to get better, their worries will go away. But feeling guilty will only impede your recovery. Look at this way, if you found out you had a physical illness like cancer or a benign tumor that needed removal, your family would worry. But would you feel guilty then? Addiction is similar, try not to blame yourself, so that you can deal with the issue without the guilt.

Bluebird1927

Keep coming back here, it's a great community. We're only a post or pm away, remember that

sobergirl77

No, their worry will never go away. With good reason. Our parents were well respected, we as children were catered to.

I just found out that the woman in AA who helped me last time wants to commit suicide. She is not happy in the least. That is why she didn't answer my desperate pleas last night. She is sober but wants to die. Yeah, that gives me a lot of faith. I sent her several loving, kind texts.

That is all we need, you know: loving kindness. For real. (No guilt, shame, etc).

venuscat

Hi sobergirl.

I get the not wanting anyone to know, and not wanting to worry anyone in your family.
I went that rout for a long time.
But you know what?

Even if they don't actually know what's going on, they still know.
And by accidental email, the cat is out of the bag now.

So, as to what you should do?
I believe it is time to stop worrying about protecting your family,
and time to start utilising their support.

They love you.
I am sure they want only the best for you; they want you to be well.
They want you to feel better than this.

As you said, we need loving and kindness, and you have that here! (((hugs)))
If you can let your family in to help you, well then I would, even if it's hard.
You are worth it....you can have a wonderful future.
You just need to get through this really scary part.

So much love to you,

Venus xx

Dee74

SG for future reference there's a lot of good reading (and links) here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

The important thing is to remember that the way you feel today is not necessarily the way you'll feel next week or next month or next year.

Things do change - for the better mostly, I believe - and we change the way we feel too

I'm sorry it's been such a struggle to get the right kind of help, but it's important not to give up and keep trying.

I'm really rooting for you

D

Raider

Sober girl, I just PM. I'm here. I care. I could use a chat also. Go look at your PM

Raider

Sober girl, check PM

Rcvringaddict30

Oh no, I do hope you're okay! I feel so sad to hear this...what are your feelings about being an alcoholic?

FeenixxRising

Of course, I don't know your entire history. And I do realize your family will always be concerned for you. But I do believe the very worst of their worries can be removed once you have some serious sober time under you belt.

But the main point I was making was for you to not let the guilt of causing your family to worry to get in the way of you getting sober.

Anyway, I do hope things are better for you, and I'm glad you made it through last night's struggle.

FeenixxRising

But remember, she is one person. More importantly, you are not her. As for hope, there are literally hundreds of people on this site alone who have achieved long term sobriety and are leading very happy lives.

Yes, it can be hard to see the good stuff that is a long way down the road, but it's there. We (and I include myself) just have to be willing to make the journey to get there.

sobergirl77

Honestly, I am horrified that I chose this kind of life for myself. While growing up alcoholism was always so demonized and looked down upon that I can't seem to get past that. Although it's brought me a lot of blessings.


Thanks for the PM's and replies. I am not suicidal anymore and I hope I didn't trigger anyone. I am still drinking but I see no way out. No hospital will help any longer (been to them all), can't afford rehab. I am going to wait for my Librium refill on the 15th and stop then. (My psyche doctor keeps me on a very low dose of Librium for anxiety, but I ran out early this time for obvious reasons).

sobergirl77

My PM inbox is full and I don't know how to fix it, but thank You SO MUCH to the people who PM'd me. It means the world to me that people care enough to contact me.