Are amends a necessary part of recovery?
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by fantail 
As a non-AA'er, this thread is making me realize that I have actually done my own version of amends, kinda sorta. For New Year's this year, I sent out thank you cards to people in my life who had supported me in the past year (the height of my messy period).
That was before I quit but after I realized that I needed to. So a bit out of order. But it was definitely part of my quitting process. Acknowledging to myself and to them that I had taken more than I'd given recently.
That was before I quit but after I realized that I needed to. So a bit out of order. But it was definitely part of my quitting process. Acknowledging to myself and to them that I had taken more than I'd given recently.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Is it essential to make amends? Perhaps it is if you want to be free. I kinda like knowing that there is nothing and no one out there that might harm me as a result of past actions I have swept under the carpet. It's very liberating not to have that monkey on my shoulder.
The AA experience is that we may not stay sober if we don't make amends. I believe this was true for me.
Also, the Big Book is very specific that I am not included in the group of "others" i.e the idea that I don't have to make amends if I will be hurt is not true. All amends hurt, they humble me, they reduce my bank account, they may expose me to prosecution, they deflate my ego, in many ways they are the last thing I would want to do. But I was willing to go to any lengths. Here is what the Book says:
"we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything."
The AA experience is that we may not stay sober if we don't make amends. I believe this was true for me.
Also, the Big Book is very specific that I am not included in the group of "others" i.e the idea that I don't have to make amends if I will be hurt is not true. All amends hurt, they humble me, they reduce my bank account, they may expose me to prosecution, they deflate my ego, in many ways they are the last thing I would want to do. But I was willing to go to any lengths. Here is what the Book says:
"we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything."
Better when never is never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Thanks for all the great responses.
It seems that making amends (setting things right versus simply apologizing) can be very useful, sometimes essential, for recovery. However, there is also an element of only tackling them when ready and when they will not be a threat to my sobriety. Regaining the ability to discern what "the right thing" to do is will be another benefit of sobriety.
It seems that making amends (setting things right versus simply apologizing) can be very useful, sometimes essential, for recovery. However, there is also an element of only tackling them when ready and when they will not be a threat to my sobriety. Regaining the ability to discern what "the right thing" to do is will be another benefit of sobriety.
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