Are amends a necessary part of recovery?
Better when never is never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Are amends a necessary part of recovery?
I know they are part of the 12 steps and many of their variations. Are they simply beneficial for "cleaning house" or absolutely necessary to secure sobriety? I have a couple of potential amends that scare the crap out of me and I am not sure I would ever want to pursue them. Should one pursue an amend if it makes you question your sobriety?
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
For me, they were, and I made them in the context of the 12 steps. If that's where you are, keep this in mind: amends are the 9th step, and a lot comes before that.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Hi Jazzfish
It's part of some recoveries and not of others
I didn't 'do' AA but I felt (and still feel) it was necessary for me to 'clean house' a little and make some amends - some were personal, others were more general to the universe things.
D
It's part of some recoveries and not of others
I didn't 'do' AA but I felt (and still feel) it was necessary for me to 'clean house' a little and make some amends - some were personal, others were more general to the universe things.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 140
I think I made amends on my own terms, but it depended to what extreme. To my partner who stood by me when I was drinking and even now, I think it's just an ongoing process. The most important thing to him in regards, is me staying sober. Beyond that there's not much I can say or do other than really continue to improve as a person. I apologized numerous times after lost nights and saying horrible things, so saying sorry for countless nights of being a jerk doesn't hold as much weight.
I have friends who I have apologized to, but even now don't quite grasp the severity of what my drinking was. Some of them brush it off. My drinking never led me to commit any illegal activities so I never had anything to fess up to.
In the end it's really up to you, but the primary focus in the early times of sobriety is finding a new routine to stay sober. As your head may get clearer, you may find emotions you need to face.
I have friends who I have apologized to, but even now don't quite grasp the severity of what my drinking was. Some of them brush it off. My drinking never led me to commit any illegal activities so I never had anything to fess up to.
In the end it's really up to you, but the primary focus in the early times of sobriety is finding a new routine to stay sober. As your head may get clearer, you may find emotions you need to face.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
Making amends is important, but if done
in hast or to quickly it would cause harm
to another or cause more harm than good.
I thought I needed to quickly makes amends
in early recovery so I could quickly get better
and reap all those wonderful promises offered
to us as written in the Big Book of Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Recovery is a journey in life living sober
and passing on our own ESH - experiences,
strengths and hopes to others that are still
struggling with addiction. This journey is a
healthier way of living a sober life. Learning
and applying the knowledge and tools of a
recovery life in our everyday life.
As a Catholic I was taught about confession
at an early age and we practice confession
for our sins whether big or small to a priest
in a closed in confessional so only he heard
my sins. You admit ur sins then ask for forgiveness
and go out a sin no more.
Today if I hurt another by lieing, stealing,
cheating then I would sit quietly and examine
my conscience, pray about it to a Higher Power
greater than I, asking for courage, strength
and the right direction for guidance.
In recovery, I would find someone I could
trust to sit and talk about my situation with,
like a sponsor, a close friend, a parent, or
ur pastor, minister for suggestions as to
what to do.
For me, I have a problem with trust, so
finding someone to listen to was hard, but
somewhere along the way, and over time
in recovery ive learned what to do.
In recovery we learn over time how not
to make the same mistakes we use to do.
Some of those lessons are hard to learn
and we keep doing them till we get sick
and tired of doing them. Finally we learn
one day.
Today some 22yrs sober, I know not to
do things in life that would require me to
make amends because I don't like confrontations.
Living a healthier, honest life keeping my side
of the street clean so to speak is so much easier.
in hast or to quickly it would cause harm
to another or cause more harm than good.
I thought I needed to quickly makes amends
in early recovery so I could quickly get better
and reap all those wonderful promises offered
to us as written in the Big Book of Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Recovery is a journey in life living sober
and passing on our own ESH - experiences,
strengths and hopes to others that are still
struggling with addiction. This journey is a
healthier way of living a sober life. Learning
and applying the knowledge and tools of a
recovery life in our everyday life.
As a Catholic I was taught about confession
at an early age and we practice confession
for our sins whether big or small to a priest
in a closed in confessional so only he heard
my sins. You admit ur sins then ask for forgiveness
and go out a sin no more.
Today if I hurt another by lieing, stealing,
cheating then I would sit quietly and examine
my conscience, pray about it to a Higher Power
greater than I, asking for courage, strength
and the right direction for guidance.
In recovery, I would find someone I could
trust to sit and talk about my situation with,
like a sponsor, a close friend, a parent, or
ur pastor, minister for suggestions as to
what to do.
For me, I have a problem with trust, so
finding someone to listen to was hard, but
somewhere along the way, and over time
in recovery ive learned what to do.
In recovery we learn over time how not
to make the same mistakes we use to do.
Some of those lessons are hard to learn
and we keep doing them till we get sick
and tired of doing them. Finally we learn
one day.
Today some 22yrs sober, I know not to
do things in life that would require me to
make amends because I don't like confrontations.
Living a healthier, honest life keeping my side
of the street clean so to speak is so much easier.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Jazzfish,
are they necessary to recovery?
depends on what you mean by "recovery", i think.
they're not necessary for staying abstinent.
but if i see "recovery" meaning living life in such a way that i'm okay with myself, yeah, recovery includes making amends to some people.
i don't "do" AA, but after a year or two i decided to make the financial one that was on my mind. it was a small one as far as the actual $ goes, but the fact that i made myself fess up and took care of it was hugely beneficial. of course it was scary
are they necessary to recovery?
depends on what you mean by "recovery", i think.
they're not necessary for staying abstinent.
but if i see "recovery" meaning living life in such a way that i'm okay with myself, yeah, recovery includes making amends to some people.
i don't "do" AA, but after a year or two i decided to make the financial one that was on my mind. it was a small one as far as the actual $ goes, but the fact that i made myself fess up and took care of it was hugely beneficial. of course it was scary
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Just my experience, but the amends that I least wanted to make were the ones that ended up giving me the greatest peace of mind. Carrying this baggage can be detrimental to moving forward. You may find that even though these "scare the crap out of you" the folks to whom you are making amends, may have forgotten about them.
I was shocked that things I was mortified about were long since forgotten by the people that I had wronged. I was the one suffering and I needed to bring an end to that suffering.
Jon
I was shocked that things I was mortified about were long since forgotten by the people that I had wronged. I was the one suffering and I needed to bring an end to that suffering.
Jon
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
If you think it would hurt them or jeopardize your current sobriety, maybe you can talk to a counselor or other trusted individual for now? Then when you're feeling more stable in your sobriety, you can reassess your strategy. You don't have to get it all done today. <--I have to constantly remind myself of that!
Although I'm not in AA, I have tried to apologize to those whom I neglected in the past.
Although I'm not in AA, I have tried to apologize to those whom I neglected in the past.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,949
For me I never understood the AA amends thing. I don't think opening up a rotten can of worms is ever a good idea. If you screwed someone over in the past there is probably about a 90% chance they don't want to ever hear or see you again. I think you should just move on in life from such situations
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
The AA Big Book tells us that we can't stay sober without making amends, and suggests that we make "direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." "Others" includes the person making amends.
For many people on the planet, making amends is quite routine; a part of everyday living, with or without drinking problems, just as is saying "please" and "thank you." That we alcoholics often need to engage in the process in a more or less formal way -- including planning and preparation for the event -- speaks to the frequency and the amount of pain and suffering we inflict on others.
Without the help of a sponsor or someone's judgment we trust, it's an easy thing to avoid making amends when we anticipate a negative or unwanted response from someone. Running away from this process is a natural response for many of us, even though history has demonstrated that running rarely serves us well. As others have suggested, working through unwanted and uncomfortable feelings in this process is an important opportunity for growth, including those who don't have a drinking problem, and generally brings us to a better place. The more we avoid doing such things, the less likely are we to grow as people. It's just the way things are.
You might be amazed at how many people are willing to forgive you. In my experience, most people were relieved to know that I was no longer killing myself and that I took responsibility for my behaviors. Making amends is more about you facing up to and taking ownership of your actions, and much less about making others feel better about you.
For many people on the planet, making amends is quite routine; a part of everyday living, with or without drinking problems, just as is saying "please" and "thank you." That we alcoholics often need to engage in the process in a more or less formal way -- including planning and preparation for the event -- speaks to the frequency and the amount of pain and suffering we inflict on others.
Without the help of a sponsor or someone's judgment we trust, it's an easy thing to avoid making amends when we anticipate a negative or unwanted response from someone. Running away from this process is a natural response for many of us, even though history has demonstrated that running rarely serves us well. As others have suggested, working through unwanted and uncomfortable feelings in this process is an important opportunity for growth, including those who don't have a drinking problem, and generally brings us to a better place. The more we avoid doing such things, the less likely are we to grow as people. It's just the way things are.
You might be amazed at how many people are willing to forgive you. In my experience, most people were relieved to know that I was no longer killing myself and that I took responsibility for my behaviors. Making amends is more about you facing up to and taking ownership of your actions, and much less about making others feel better about you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
For me to remain sober through the AA program, I've learned by trial and error that none of the steps are optional for me. To decide I need not do any step is classic alcoholic thinking that I am different. Tried that several times and it didn't work very well.
I hear lots of AAs express fear of the 4th step, but for me it was fear of the 9th step that defeated me. This step is about processing and letting go of guilt, which is toxic to my recovery. It is an amends, not an apology. In my active drinking, I was full of apologies and they were nearly always meaningless excuses. Amends are all about setting it right whenever possible. I can't live an honest recovery with a guilty conscience.
I needed the guidance of a sponsor, because my tendency was to either overlook a harm, or blow it up into an unmanageable big deal. Even having done the previous 8 steps, my thinking still left a lot to be desired (still does, but not so much).
The side of this coin that we seldom acknowledge is that we offer an opportunity for forgiveness to those we've harmed. That is generous. That is a blessing. That is love and courage in action. It doesn't matter if the amends is accepted. Overcoming the fear of rejection was essential to my recovery. What's important for my recovery is I offer the amends. Forgiveness is purely love, and in AA we claim love and tolerance. (and need I say that love scares the bejeebees out of us?)
I hear lots of AAs express fear of the 4th step, but for me it was fear of the 9th step that defeated me. This step is about processing and letting go of guilt, which is toxic to my recovery. It is an amends, not an apology. In my active drinking, I was full of apologies and they were nearly always meaningless excuses. Amends are all about setting it right whenever possible. I can't live an honest recovery with a guilty conscience.
I needed the guidance of a sponsor, because my tendency was to either overlook a harm, or blow it up into an unmanageable big deal. Even having done the previous 8 steps, my thinking still left a lot to be desired (still does, but not so much).
The side of this coin that we seldom acknowledge is that we offer an opportunity for forgiveness to those we've harmed. That is generous. That is a blessing. That is love and courage in action. It doesn't matter if the amends is accepted. Overcoming the fear of rejection was essential to my recovery. What's important for my recovery is I offer the amends. Forgiveness is purely love, and in AA we claim love and tolerance. (and need I say that love scares the bejeebees out of us?)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 92
Steps 8 and 9 are about being accountable and about relationships.
All of the steps are only suggestions. However, it is always blatantly obvious to me who has done or is doing step work and who hasn't.
There is an oldtimer in my homegroup with about 24 years sober. He's always bitter, critical and judgmental. Then one day during a discussion meeting he shared that he's never done steps 8 and 9. Everything made sense.
These steps aren't necessary to not drink, but they are absolutely necessary in order to have a spiritual awakening.
All of the steps are only suggestions. However, it is always blatantly obvious to me who has done or is doing step work and who hasn't.
There is an oldtimer in my homegroup with about 24 years sober. He's always bitter, critical and judgmental. Then one day during a discussion meeting he shared that he's never done steps 8 and 9. Everything made sense.
These steps aren't necessary to not drink, but they are absolutely necessary in order to have a spiritual awakening.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Is it about being accountable? Is it about clearing our conscience? Is about opening up that fetid can of worms and getting RID of it once and for all so it doesn't open itself up later? Or.... Is it about opening up a line of communication with someone that maybe still harbors resentment and unresolved anger and/or misunderstood feelings, or maybe THEY themselves have some (unearned and undeserved) feelings of guilt/shame... so that we can bring greater serenity into their lives?
All of that of course, but I think that last one is the one we should be concentratiing on, you know, it's not all about us!!
All of that of course, but I think that last one is the one we should be concentratiing on, you know, it's not all about us!!
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
As a non-AA'er, this thread is making me realize that I have actually done my own version of amends, kinda sorta. For New Year's this year, I sent out thank you cards to people in my life who had supported me in the past year (the height of my messy period).
That was before I quit but after I realized that I needed to. So a bit out of order. But it was definitely part of my quitting process. Acknowledging to myself and to them that I had taken more than I'd given recently.
That was before I quit but after I realized that I needed to. So a bit out of order. But it was definitely part of my quitting process. Acknowledging to myself and to them that I had taken more than I'd given recently.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 126
Jazzfish, I recommend that you watch the Seinfeld episode THE APOLOGY before you make a decision.
The Apology (Seinfeld) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Seinfeld - George in "The Apology" - YouTube
The Apology (Seinfeld) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Seinfeld - George in "The Apology" - YouTube
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Hi there!
I'm from the "other side" and speaking for myself only, I would really appreciate the gesture if say for example, my last boyfriend cleaned up his act and made amends to me...
I realize that not every one on the other side works a program of recovery, but since I have chosen to do so, I don't feel I have been jaded by his behavior towards me...
If nothing else, I would be really happy for him and would appreciate having my feelings validated....
If I was still jaded after all this time, then I'm
not working my program...
Being mad at him, doesn't hurt him, it hurts me...
So, I don't see how that would be productive....
Of course, not everyone would be as gracious, but as I have learned, you cannot control someone's reaction towards you, but you can choose how you may wish to respond...
I admire you for the willingness to make amends....
All the best,
Linda
I'm from the "other side" and speaking for myself only, I would really appreciate the gesture if say for example, my last boyfriend cleaned up his act and made amends to me...
I realize that not every one on the other side works a program of recovery, but since I have chosen to do so, I don't feel I have been jaded by his behavior towards me...
If nothing else, I would be really happy for him and would appreciate having my feelings validated....
If I was still jaded after all this time, then I'm
not working my program...
Being mad at him, doesn't hurt him, it hurts me...
So, I don't see how that would be productive....
Of course, not everyone would be as gracious, but as I have learned, you cannot control someone's reaction towards you, but you can choose how you may wish to respond...
I admire you for the willingness to make amends....
All the best,
Linda
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