scaredandupset

Long post, please hear me out, I just need to speak to someone. Hopefully the experiences of others can help me cope with this.

I am a straight male, and I convinced myself that I was a "social drinker", only touching alcohol when I go out. I have had quite a few blackouts, but they were always around friends I trusted, so I thought it was no big deal. When I blackout I stumble, and usually can barely walk. I would use alcohol to mask my social anxiety and lack of confidence in social environments. Well, now I finally made the mistake I dreaded and nobody was there to help me.

Went to a downtown club with acquaintances I didn't know too well, I wanted to make new friends and see a new venue. Drank much too quickly at the pre-drink, the blackout didn't hit me until we just got in the club. Don't remember anything until 4am where I snap out of it walking in a random housing area. The next morning I thought nothing of it, then I tried piecing things together:

- was left alone in the club after the others left, likely departed around 2:20am based on text messages
- constantly texted friend as I was out of the club
- talked to my friend on phone while out, said I was with a "friend" who agrees that he should have sex with a girl he barely knows (topic was from my drunk talk)
- I think I remember having my arm around somebody, leaning on them while walking
- stopped contacting my friend for half an hour until I snapped out of it, walked home from here.
- the place I regained control was 40 minutes from the club (opposite direction of my house), I was contacting my friend for 40 minutes before I suddenly stopped
- next morning I notice a scratch-type mark on the back of my shirt on the shoulder area, and notice some white/grey markings on my undershirt (which shouldn't have been exposed). None of my valuables were missing.

I have no idea what happened, and this uncertainty is killing me. However, most of the signs point to me being taken advantage of while blacked out. Walking with a random person who obviously has bad intentions based on his opinion that I stated above, snapping out of it in a housing area, markings on shirt, two fingerprint sized bruises on one side of my waist, anal irritation a 3 and 10 days after that night (no pain the next day, only started noticing the irritation after I analyzed the night 2 days later, irritation on day 10 went away after a shower, could have been from loose bowel movements).

In my blackout state, a policeman would've stopped me in public for sure (I think one even approached me based on my phone conversation), so why did I make it so far if I was on my own? In a popular downtown bar area, which is not far from a gay friendly neighborhood, I am scared for the worst because I was blacked out. If I was alone, I would've been either robbed or detained in such a crowded area of the city, so I'm convinced somebody was with me.

My gut is telling me that I remember going home, got home fine, and was not in pain so nothing probably happened. I was just walking aimlessly and eventually got home. However, I am terrified that something may have happened (so many signs supporting that), I am getting an STD test soon to make sure I'm OK. I have been very troubled by all of this and it is all I can think about, it is consuming me. I have seen a straight, drunk guy mistakenly kiss a crossdresser for a long time in a club before, and no remorse was shown for this incident. I have been reading stories online how people wait outside clubs to find really drunk guys and take advantage of them. Also, ironically just before going out that night a saw a stand-up comedy skit online where the guy said if a man gets raped he needs to just "walk it off". I have no issues with gay people, but there is a pretty large gay community in the city. I can't believe I let myself get this drunk.

Going forward, I will no longer rely on alcohol to deal with my fears and escape reallity, I just hope nothing is wrong with me after this incident. Please tell me times where you have blacked out, and how you dealt with the uncertainty that followed the next morning.

Thank you in advance.

Caldus

Hi scaredandupset,

I related a lot to your post. I too relied heavily on alcohol to get me out of my shyness and social anxiety while out somewhere. I got into similar types of situations (not your exact situation) and remember feeling the exact same sort of paranoia and fear about what happened or what will happen. All I can say is that I look back now and realize that 99% of everything I was thinking about was all just self-centered fear. I was extremely paranoid and it took talking to another person about the incident 2 years later to finally realize the severity of my paranoia. As alcoholics, we dream up the worst possible outcomes to everything and get attached to that outcome emotionally in our heads. We get so attached to it that we just aren't aware of how much of this stuff is just simply being manufactured in our heads.

I read your post and it is scary how similar it sounds as to when I was describing this situation to my sponsor in AA. Even if any of these things might actually be true or will come true, then either way it has already happened and there is nothing you can do about that. It sounds like you might benefit from checking out some AA meetings in your area.

Dee74

I'm glad you're getting tested. and although I'm sure it's not easy to do so, thanks for posting. We all put ourselves at risk when drinking.

I think, if you feel you've been sexually assaulted, it probably best to make out a police report...at least think about some counselling.

I'm afraid I have no experience with that, but others may.

In a more general sense, how do you get past the not knowing?

I still can't remember large parts of my life.
I think making sure you never drink and blackout again is a must.

It may not give you certainty but I hope in time you can find peace through recovery.

D

Fallow

I have blacked out a bunch of times. I can say that once I started blacking out they occurred more and more frequently, and required less and less alcohol to reach.

My blacking out created lots of anxiety and fear.
I previously dealt with it by drinking.

Now I deal with it by avoiding blackouts altogether and staying sober.

Do you have an idea that you might like to quit?

EndGameNYC

For now, I'm concerned about your mental state. Call a hotline, go to a crisis center -- contact someone with experience in these matters to help you get some stability and to help guide you to a safer emotional place.

Dee74

not sure where you are scared but these are two good links for help and resources...

For Male Survivors of Rape & Sexual Abuse | Pandora's Project
Male Sexual Assault | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network

D

scaredandupset

thanks for the replies

I think that if I call, my lack of evidence, pain or any other injuries will lead them to believe that it was all my imagination. People have woken up naked I weird places and thought nothing of it, so I think my thoughts will be dismissed as paranoia.

I do have a habit of overanalyzing things and trying to convince myself that the worst possible outcome is happening to me, but this case seems to have too many signs supporting that it actually happened.

Alcohol just fuels this paranoia, and never will this occur again.

Dee74

I fully understand your reaction - I still think at least looking at the links I posted might be helpful but of course it's up to you

D

fantail

S&U, they won't dismiss your fears. If anything, they can discuss with you what you felt, remember, etc, and try to piece together what happened. I've spoken to one of those hotlines following an incident and they were incredibly helpful.

Justfor1

My worst blackout ended with me in bond court for a serious crime. I had no idea what I had been charged with and had blood on me. It ended up I had threatened a bus driver and threw a piece of concrete at the city bus. It was very scary and will tell you that the blackouts will only get worse when you drink.

Bostonsportsfan

I'm the same way. Always had to drink in social situations and it got my addicted. It just made me more confident and it was easier to be social.

deeker

So do you want to get help for your drinking? You done? You don't ever have to go through that again.

Bostonsportsfan

Didn't read the whole story but I did now and it sounds bad. It sounds like you just to need to drink less when you go out. Doesn't sound like your addicted, just drink way too much the nights you go out.

scaredandupset

Most people are telling me that I am just being paranoid, that I would definitely know the next day if anything happened to me because I'd be in pain, and that I was just aimlessly walking around while drunk.

My rational mind wants to believe them, but I keep bringing doubts into my mind.

laurie6781

Please use one or both of the help sites that Dee gave you above.

I remember those paranoid thoughts and I just drank more.

I got sober in June of '81, and with all the self help I have done, and the 12 work, etc I still have a very large BLANK in my memory from approximately August of 1972 through to about November of 1973. The only things I know about that time frame is what others have told me.

Did I have 'vague' feelings and thoughts about being raped during that time frame? Yes, but didn't know if it was because I do remember 2 rapes or not. However, I was able to get peace through a 'rape crisis center' with ongoing counseling there and my working on myself through the 12 step program of AA.

Whether what you are feeling is just paranoia or actually happened is not the point. The point is to get 'help' for you NOW. By getting that help you will be able to get through what is going on now.

I have a question for you? Are you also going to get help to stop drinking? You have enough proof that drinking is just NOT working for you.

Love and hugs,

cheapredwino

Back in the 90s I did a lot of drunk driving (and luckily never hurt anybody or got caught), and a few times I was even blacked out while driving! I remember one time I was driving for about an hour downtown on a very busy Saturday night, the streets filled with drunks randomly staggering across the streets. The only part of that hour I remember is squinting really hard to see a group of people crossing the street in front of me and making sure not to hit them (about 5 minutes); the rest was blank!

Anyway, my point is that even when blacked out, instincts seem to take over. I'd guess that no matter how drunk you are, you're not going to let anybody persuade you to have homosexual sex if you're straight. You're instincts will kick in. Sure, somebody may have tried, and that might explain the marks and stuff, but the odds are good that you resisted.

Regarding the crossdresser, there's a big difference between kissing somebody you think is a female and letting a man have sex with you.

I think you're overthinking the situation.

Anyway, it's best to have follow-up bloodwork done at the 6 month (or 2 month, or 3, hell, I don't know, ask the folks at the STD clinic) mark. In the meantime, resolve to never drink to black out state again, or better yet, resolve never to drink again.

Oh, and stop searching the net for stories of gay men who prey on drunks; you'll drive yourself crazy. From what little I know of gay life, I don't really think they need to waste time lurking outside bars to have sex with drunk heteros...I mean, why bother?

hypochondriac

Massive hugs to you scaredandupset. I managed to minimise my blackouts in the long run but I remember how horrible it was having no idea what happened.

The first few times I blacked out I thought it was funny. Absolutely no memory of the night before except for the first few drinks. It may as well not have happened. It happened loads back then, I was constantly out in public drunk but I lived in a small town and was with people I know. Thinking back though they didn't look after me and I frequently found myself alone and drunk.

It happened a few times in college and that scared me enough to stop drinking vodka. That helped a bit but all this did was push my drinking under ground.

Fast forward a few years later. I was living alone in a new city having recently split up with my partner of 3 years. I had been doing pretty well and not drinking that much. I had also given up smoking. I hadn't drank beer for ages but decided to go to my local pub because I knew a few people there. I ended up spending the evening with 4 guys I had never met before and blacked out sometime between 9 and 10. I had been drinking since 5. I woke up with one of these guys in bed with me. I have no idea what happened but I felt violated but at the same time blamed myself and thought maybe I had encouraged him so couldn't say anything. He was totally manipulative and basically coerced me into a relationship with him which lasted just a few weeks before I found a way out. I carried so much shame that my drinking became totally out of control at that point, and y'know apparently I could only tolerate this guy when drunk.

It took me a few more years to quit drinking after that, and although nothing like that ever happened again the problem didn't go away, just morphed into something else.

I really hope you consider abstinence as an option. It seems that your reaction to alcohol isn't good and it is not something that you can control. Drinking less won't work, and I bet you have tried that before anyway.

This really could be a wakeup call for you. Please do go get tested and talk to the police. You are not paranoid. People have not woken up naked in weird places and thought nothing off it, they have felt huge amounts of guilt and shame that have kept them in the drinking trap for years. People don't deserve to be raped just because they are drunk. Please stick around here and get help with your drinking and whatever support you feel you need x

hypochondriac

3 months, and then again 3 months later for a definite negative result. Or just hang on for the 6 months...

fantail

... this is my instinct too. My extended social network includes a lot of very sexually open people and from my understanding of it, the first time you have anal sex it is painful even with lube, patience, and preparation. (sorry to be explicit). Out of nowhere like this would have been a very painful experience.

If you continue to worry, though, I really do recommend speaking to someone at one of the resources mentioned... they can help you determine whether you have cause for concern. Or at the very least put your mind at ease.

2granddaughters

Sane people don't end up in your situation. You pick up a drink and you go "out of control" .. insane.

The propensity for insanity is in you, your weaknesses lead you to drink and you become a loose cannon again. I am you.

Untreated I got worse..

Watered down hap-hazard treatment allowed me to survive.

Full and complete treatment is allowing me to grow and thrive.

All the best.

Bob R