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I didnt realize I relied on alcohol in social situations, and it has ruined my life.



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I didnt realize I relied on alcohol in social situations, and it has ruined my life.

Old 07-01-2013, 06:17 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cheapredwino View Post
Back in the 90s I did a lot of drunk driving (and luckily never hurt anybody or got caught), and a few times I was even blacked out while driving! I remember one time I was driving for about an hour downtown on a very busy Saturday night, the streets filled with drunks randomly staggering across the streets. The only part of that hour I remember is squinting really hard to see a group of people crossing the street in front of me and making sure not to hit them (about 5 minutes); the rest was blank!

Anyway, my point is that even when blacked out, instincts seem to take over. I'd guess that no matter how drunk you are, you're not going to let anybody persuade you to have homosexual sex if you're straight. You're instincts will kick in. Sure, somebody may have tried, and that might explain the marks and stuff, but the odds are good that you resisted.

Regarding the crossdresser, there's a big difference between kissing somebody you think is a female and letting a man have sex with you.

I think you're overthinking the situation.

Anyway, it's best to have follow-up bloodwork done at the 6 month (or 2 month, or 3, hell, I don't know, ask the folks at the STD clinic) mark. In the meantime, resolve to never drink to black out state again, or better yet, resolve never to drink again.

Oh, and stop searching the net for stories of gay men who prey on drunks; you'll drive yourself crazy. From what little I know of gay life, I don't really think they need to waste time lurking outside bars to have sex with drunk heteros...I mean, why bother?
Ive been told when I black out like that though, I can barely walk (probably what happened because my tailbone hurt for a long while after that night, im assuming it was from falling over). In that state the police would've stopped me, but I don't think I was alone. Even though I didn't feel any pain the next day, Im pretty sure it happened.

I guess I need to convince myself that what's done is done, cant dwell on it and need to learn from this. Im so ashamed.
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Old 07-01-2013, 07:43 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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It's a good thing that you're reaching out for help here. You may not be able to accept the fact that there are issues here that require professional attention. ASAP.
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Old 07-01-2013, 08:27 PM
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I've been told by doctors that a blood test at 1 month is about 90% accurate, although you'll have to come back at 3 months and 6 months just to be 100% sure. And HIV usually comes from repeated exposure. And then there are anti-virals you can take if it just happened. But I think certainly if you think you have been raped, you should probably get some counceling.

Paranoia is an interesting subject. This was one of the worst parts of drinking for me. It was so subtle, because you can never be sure when you're involved in it.

I was a binge drinker, not an everyday drinker. After a while, it became unmanagable, but although I didn't feel a strong chemical dependency, it took me about 10 tries to get some real time. Gosh. I so don't miss those staggering drunk nights when I had to dangle my foot off the bed to keep the room from spinning. All those bars desperately seeking contact and finding only my own apparent inadequacy in the eyes of the young.
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Old 07-02-2013, 04:01 AM
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC View Post
It's a good thing that you're reaching out for help here. You may not be able to accept the fact that there are issues here that require professional attention. ASAP.
Maybe you are right.

The thing is I will never know what actually happened. Even if my tests end up being negative, I wont know for sure if I was taken advantage of since I didn't pay attention to any possible pain and soreness until 3 days later. I never thought something like this could happen to me.

I haven't been able to sleep regularly for a while now. Talking about this does help though.
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Old 07-02-2013, 12:55 PM
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Okay, to be perfectly frank (and I apologize if this offends you or anyone else reading this), you can go to a hospital ER and request a rape kit. This will show whether or not there is anal tearing, even though the unknown event is now several days past. I do appreciate that you may not truly want to know what happened, and that's certainly your prerogative.

Yet, if you're resigned to the idea that you "will never know what actually happened," but continue to obsess over it with no intention of doing whatever you can to discover the truth, you're going to make yourself crazy and invite a steady and powerful stream of emotional and psychological reasons to continue drinking.

As I've said before, your best option may be to seek counseling for this since this event and the fallout afterwards have left you hurt and confused, a difficult place to be when trying to sort things out and take the proper course of action.
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Old 07-03-2013, 06:36 PM
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Well I wish you the best. My drinking has lead me to put myself in many sketchy situations-including gay guys and gay bars (Im straight). I have numerous stories, but I once went home with a gay guy to chill - and passed out and pissed myself in his guest room. I then tried to take a shower in the morning and broke the knob off his bathtub. Hopefully I did nothing questionable.

Im guessing you would be experiencing quite significant pain if that happened, but if you have doubt there are avenues to take.
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Old 07-04-2013, 12:51 AM
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Chances are you just wandered around. But since you remember nothing, and no one was with you, you really don't know. Ain't alcohol fun?
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Old 07-04-2013, 01:33 AM
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If some guy tried to do anything... wouldn't you have fought with every bit of strength you had? It wouldn't be like "oh, there's a white mark on my undershirt" while you're walking around the city, it would have been that either you beat the **** out of him so nothing ended up happening, or you woke up with the **** beat out of you, so sore and bloody you couldn't stand up, much less walk around while looking for stray marks on your undershirt. Right?
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Old 07-04-2013, 02:03 AM
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Originally Posted by socallednormal View Post
If some guy tried to do anything... wouldn't you have fought with every bit of strength you had? It wouldn't be like "oh, there's a white mark on my undershirt" while you're walking around the city, it would have been that either you beat the **** out of him so nothing ended up happening, or you woke up with the **** beat out of you, so sore and bloody you couldn't stand up, much less walk around while looking for stray marks on your undershirt. Right?
When I get to that point of drunkeness, I think I can barely walk, let alone fight somebody. I was likely just seeking assistance to get home.

I didn't notice the marks on my shirts until the next day when I sobered up.

I have already spoken to an HIV councillor and she said its unlikely anything happened and I have nothing to worry about.

I just cant get over this uncertainty. I need to find some kind of footage showing me where I went and who was with me.
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Old 07-04-2013, 02:04 AM
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Originally Posted by polaris View Post
Well I wish you the best. My drinking has lead me to put myself in many sketchy situations-including gay guys and gay bars (Im straight). I have numerous stories, but I once went home with a gay guy to chill - and passed out and pissed myself in his guest room. I then tried to take a shower in the morning and broke the knob off his bathtub. Hopefully I did nothing questionable.

Im guessing you would be experiencing quite significant pain if that happened, but if you have doubt there are avenues to take.
Can you message me the avenues? I need some kind of help/closure.
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Old 07-04-2013, 03:52 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by scaredandupset View Post
I need to find some kind of footage showing me where I went and who was with me.
Seriously.

We've all done things in the past which we regret. Pull yourself together and just wait it out and have STDs done. HIV and HepC don't mean instantaneous death; look at Magic Johnson and Pamela Anderson. And you likely don't have anything anyway.

Focus on something you can control, your alcoholism.
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Old 07-06-2013, 11:01 PM
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I'm now convinced that I was sexually assaulted while blackout drunk, these thoughts take up 90% of my days.

I didn't notice the soreness until I started analyzing that night a few days later.

- There was no reason for me to be in that random area,
- there was no reason for me to be with some random person who think having sex with somebody you don't really know is right,
- there was no reason for me to have 2 fingerprint sized bruises on my waist.
- there was no way I would've kept all my belongings or not been stopped by the police unless somebody was with me

I was not even aware of the event that occurred, yet I'm still so traumatized by it. I can only imagine what the survivors who were awake feel like. I never thought this was possible for men, but I should've known better, especially with the gay area of the city close by. I cant believe what I have done. I should've known that these acquaintances would not look out for me. I don't know how I will get my eating and sleeping habits back to normal.

This is a nightmare.

Last edited by Morning Glory; 07-08-2013 at 10:55 AM. Reason: removed triggering information
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Old 07-06-2013, 11:17 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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you must be driving yourself mad.

check out those links I posted before. Why not get some help?

D
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Old 07-07-2013, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
you must be driving yourself mad.

check out those links I posted before. Why not get some help?

D
I am spending to much of my days focusing on this issue, and it is physically and mentally draining. I did check out those links, and they had good information.

I don't think calling any hotline or paying for counselling will do any good. I don't even know if it happened, and there was no leakage or anything on my underwear or any other evidence. The bruises wont be taken seriously, I got a bruise on my forearm 2 days ago and have no idea how I got it, so imagine the possibilities when drunk.

I am getting tested soon, this will comfort me. The anal irritation I had after that night was most likely due to the diarreah and loose bowel movements I had regularly. I mentioned that my bowel movement the next morning felt weird, but I was still drunk at that time too and thought nothing of it (maybe it was just nothing).

Dealing with the unknown is going to be a tough task, and will effect me forever. This is a huge lesson for me.
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Old 07-07-2013, 10:28 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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How's your sobriety scared?

I can understand why you're obsessing over this but I think this is one of those cases where if there is nothing you can do about it then don't worry about it. You are getting tested and that is all you can do right now. I do think talking to a helpline will help you because they are trained to deal with situations just like this. They may be able to reassure you. The best thing you can do though is use this experience to move forwards...
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Old 07-22-2013, 09:57 PM
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HIV test came back negative. They said 6 weeks with this test is conclusive, I may go again at 3 months just to be sure.

Haven't been drunk since this night (2 months), always staying in control.

Also, and t may sound ridiculous but im being serious, my farts seem lower pitch than usual and passing stool is easier now. After 7 weeks I feel a bit constipated which has never happened before. Could this be a sign that I was raped? I discovered that a nearby park in the area is well known for "cruising" at night, and that scared me even more
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Old 07-22-2013, 10:01 PM
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scared - you keep asking questions we just can't answer here.

If you're not prepared to check out any of the suggestions here for other kinds of help, I respect that - but I think, in that case, you need to work on how to let this go now.

glad the test was negative.

D
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Old 07-22-2013, 10:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
scared - you keep asking questions we just can't answer here.

If you're not prepared to check out any of the suggestions here for other kinds of help, I respect that - but I think, in that case, you need to work on how to let this go now.

glad the test was negative.

D
Thank you for your response.

But, what help could I possibly get? I didn't realize what *may* have happened until a few days later, too late for any investigation to be done. Its now been 2 months, I think I need to just "man up" like society tells males to do and act like it never happened. Even if it did happen, I was out of it the whole time which makes it a bit better.

I still have the undershirt with the white marks on my lower back. Haven't touch it since the night in case I can get it examined. But now I feel there is no point. I should probably just throw it away and move on.

Biggest mistake of my life, the uncertainty is so painful. I will just have to learn to forget this.
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Old 07-22-2013, 10:27 PM
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I'm not been in this situation, but helplines are there to help...I also gave you some other forum links - forums that deal specifically with this - that I thought might be of use.

I know it must be maddening not to know - I thought talking about it with professionals might help you reach some closure, if not conclusions.

Ultimately tho of course, you're an adult, scared, and it's up to you what you do.

sorry I can't be of more help

D
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Old 07-23-2013, 02:08 AM
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They can help you deal and process and learn to live with what happened.

Even though you don't know what happened, you have to find a way to live with this situation, deal with the emotions and move on.

Thats where professional help comes in.

Your fears are do not sound as if they decreasing, but spiralling out of control.
A professional can help you learn techniques to stop this pattern of thinking. Despite you not knowing the actual facts of what happened that night.

You need to learn better ways to think.
I have bad thinking styles too - I am very black and white in my thinking.
I tend to dwell on a negative and then imagine all sorts of scenario's. I come to really dramatic outcomes with my thinking.

Maybe it might help if you google 'unhelpful thinking styles' and see if you can identify with them.


As for your digestive system, stress and worry can have a major impact on it. You worrying will not be helping.

I wish you the best
x
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