Anger toward MIL
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hi Jennie
It's probably easy to say, but I think you have to let your mother be imperfect, just as we all are. The best way of educating her in the potential for recovery is simply to allow her to see your recovery. Without words or argument, she'll be slowly learning about recovery from you.
One other thing that may help is to hold her before God, before the Higher Power, or before the Light (whatever you prefer) in your mind. Not asking for any change in her, but simply asking for the best for her.
An excellent book that touches on overcoming resentment, from a Christian perspective is Corrie Ten-Boom's "The Hiding Place" about her time in a Nazi concentration camp (her family were caught hiding Jews). There is a moving scene where she meets one of the guards from that camp.....
“It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, a former S.S.man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck. He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there – the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie's pain-blanched face.
He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein.” He said. “To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!” His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people in Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.
Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him. I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing,not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I prayed, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness.
As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me. And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.”
[From The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom]
It's probably easy to say, but I think you have to let your mother be imperfect, just as we all are. The best way of educating her in the potential for recovery is simply to allow her to see your recovery. Without words or argument, she'll be slowly learning about recovery from you.
One other thing that may help is to hold her before God, before the Higher Power, or before the Light (whatever you prefer) in your mind. Not asking for any change in her, but simply asking for the best for her.
An excellent book that touches on overcoming resentment, from a Christian perspective is Corrie Ten-Boom's "The Hiding Place" about her time in a Nazi concentration camp (her family were caught hiding Jews). There is a moving scene where she meets one of the guards from that camp.....
***************************************
“It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, a former S.S.man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck. He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there – the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie's pain-blanched face.
He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein.” He said. “To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!” His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people in Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.
Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him. I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing,not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I prayed, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness.
As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me. And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.”
[From The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom]
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Jennie,
I don't know if this will shift anything for you, but one thing I was told in early sobriety has stuck with me. It was this: people always act in a manner consistent with how they perceive the world around them.
I can't say that I do it often enough, but occasionally when dealing with difficult people I remember that. Consider how the world must appear to your MIL that she is compelled to belittle others when given the chance? To be so totally dependent upon others? To be threatened by your relationship with her son?
Your MIL is in pain. She may not deal with the pain in healthy or constructive ways, but maybe the next time she is in rare form you could try to see the world from her perspective. Her actions are likely not intended as an affront to you, they are the only way she knows how to get what she needs.
Compassion is derived from latin, meaning "to suffer together." It doesn't mean you have to like her, but it may be possible that you can love her.
I don't know if this will shift anything for you, but one thing I was told in early sobriety has stuck with me. It was this: people always act in a manner consistent with how they perceive the world around them.
I can't say that I do it often enough, but occasionally when dealing with difficult people I remember that. Consider how the world must appear to your MIL that she is compelled to belittle others when given the chance? To be so totally dependent upon others? To be threatened by your relationship with her son?
Your MIL is in pain. She may not deal with the pain in healthy or constructive ways, but maybe the next time she is in rare form you could try to see the world from her perspective. Her actions are likely not intended as an affront to you, they are the only way she knows how to get what she needs.
Compassion is derived from latin, meaning "to suffer together." It doesn't mean you have to like her, but it may be possible that you can love her.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tauranga New Zealand
Posts: 24
My 2 cents worth, You can chose your friends you can't choose your relations. She did do one thing right produce the man you love and married. I know where you are coming from, we all do resentment well. Should make it a sport we'd all be champions.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
"... she doesn't even know me."
There ya go. Your sobriety -- your life -- doesn't need to be good enough for anyone but you. Opening our hearts and minds to a better way is a good start. And it sounds as though you're already there.
There ya go. Your sobriety -- your life -- doesn't need to be good enough for anyone but you. Opening our hearts and minds to a better way is a good start. And it sounds as though you're already there.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Resentments are our number one offender and can lead us back to drink. Don't let this resentment make her statement true. Her words to her husband are pretty accurate for the alcoholic who doesn't get sober. Stay strong and stay stopped!
Try to focus on gratitude. Keep moving forward with your sobriety.
Life is too short to hold a grudge on anyone.
With hugs & love,
~SB
Try to focus on gratitude. Keep moving forward with your sobriety.
Life is too short to hold a grudge on anyone.
With hugs & love,
~SB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by SoberJennie 
She is just ignorant, truly ignorant of so many things.
Ignorance is bliss - The lack of knowledge in reference to a situation, particularly a messy one. Once the whole truth is revealed one realizes they were much happier being clueless.
It does not sound like your MIL is ever going to see the truth or she has, but has decided to keep her head in the sand.
I have many resentment issues with my mother. I have gone on for years loving her ONLY because was my mother. The remaining feelings I had was hate and resentment. There was a time I truly felt I hated my mother and if she went away I would not care. Not die, just go away and leave me alone.
The more distance I got and the longer I was away from her the better I felt. I did not want to hear her talk or complain. I did not want to help her. I was happy to be out from under her controlling ways. The guilt trips. Her dishonesty and plain out lies. Her grandiose comments. Her need to dissect EVERYTHING. You think an alcoholic can over think?, they got NOTHING on my mother!
I thought when I was physically away from her that at these times I was healing and letting go of the resentments but I was not. They were just placed on the back burner. Slowly simmering.
Fate has thrown us back together. She lives with me, well we live together. Sort of like roommates. It did not start that way, long drawn out story, but that is the way it has become.
The sound of her cough made me mad. The moaning and groaning every time she moved made me mad. The fact that she even walked passed me to get to the kitchen made me mad. I could not wait for her to get back in her room, to her hole. I mean like a switch, angry. I wanted to scream at her almost every time we interacted much less had a conversation. The negative feelings, the resentments, the anger was in my face every day.
She has not changed. She is not going to change. I had to change. I had to stop guessing what was in her mind, why she does things, why she acts certain ways and stop assuming that she did things or thought certain ways. They had control over me. She did not, the feelings I had towards her did.
I had to change my reactions to her. She was not holding on to the resentments and the anger. She was not going to acknowledge them nor apologize for them. She did not create them, I did. I had to stop reacting to what I thought she thought. How I thought she felt. What I thought her motives were. How I thought..you get the idea.
I am not saying that your MIL or my mother do not have a responsibility in way they have treated you or I but what that responsibility should be is not for me to decide, That is between her and her God or her HP. That is her side of the street.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I had a number of resentments against people who were not like me. I didn't "want what they had," I judged harshly the life they lived, and I didn't think I could love them in (as my sponsor termed it) a "god-like" way -- accepting them as they were without limitation or condition. One of them was my own mother -- not alcoholic but, as I perceived, very self-centered and immersed in her victim complex.
In order to find that place of forgiveness and acceptance, I had to cultivate compassion. For me, that meant not judging where someone was but finding the empathy to understand where she (or he) had come from -- what made this person into one who would say or do things that I couldn't stand? In the case of my mother, I had to get to know her. I had to talk with her, and most importantly, listen to her without translating her responses into something that fit into my judgment. While I didn't like her symptoms, I did come to recognize that she didn't become who she was by conscious choice (recognize that paraphrase?). Quite the contrary -- I came to understand she never saw that she had a choice. It's more common than we'd like to accept in some generations and cultures.
Anyway, I hope you find your way through this resentment to forgiveness. For me, so long as I held myself above others and could not accept others as they are, my sobriety (chemical, emotional, spiritual) was tenuous.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
In order to find that place of forgiveness and acceptance, I had to cultivate compassion. For me, that meant not judging where someone was but finding the empathy to understand where she (or he) had come from -- what made this person into one who would say or do things that I couldn't stand? In the case of my mother, I had to get to know her. I had to talk with her, and most importantly, listen to her without translating her responses into something that fit into my judgment. While I didn't like her symptoms, I did come to recognize that she didn't become who she was by conscious choice (recognize that paraphrase?). Quite the contrary -- I came to understand she never saw that she had a choice. It's more common than we'd like to accept in some generations and cultures.
Anyway, I hope you find your way through this resentment to forgiveness. For me, so long as I held myself above others and could not accept others as they are, my sobriety (chemical, emotional, spiritual) was tenuous.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle
Compassion is derived from latin, meaning "to suffer together." It doesn't mean you have to like her, but it may be possible that you can love her.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I just wanted to add that I am still working on this. I am not "over it". I am in no way cured from having some of these feelings anymore than I am cured from alcoholism.
It is a work in progress. A friend made me see how my reactions to what I thought she thought, were robbing me. They caused me to be upset and angry for hours and in some cases, the entire day.
I will say just seeing that has helped a great deal. It really has. I can almost laugh at how silly it seems now.
I think you think this way so I am not only going to react on what I think you think but I am going to hold on to it until you admit that you thought what I thought you thought and you need to apologize for it...WHAT?
It is a work in progress. A friend made me see how my reactions to what I thought she thought, were robbing me. They caused me to be upset and angry for hours and in some cases, the entire day.
I will say just seeing that has helped a great deal. It really has. I can almost laugh at how silly it seems now.
I think you think this way so I am not only going to react on what I think you think but I am going to hold on to it until you admit that you thought what I thought you thought and you need to apologize for it...WHAT?
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Since I've become sober, toxic people just don't have a place in my life, and I protect myself from them with everything I have. My life is short, my serenity is precious. That being said, I have a very similar relationship with my MIL, she is one of the most emotionally manipulative self absorbed people I know. I don't speak to her. She has said some unfair things about me, but honestly.. I consider the source. She is unwell, she doesn't matter to my life or my heart, and I just sort of shake my head at her BS and move along.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by SoberJennie
This is awful... but I resent her because she is so unlike my own mother, who died three years ago. I am stuck with this MIL I can barely stand to be in the same room with and is nothing like my mom. I think I am angry that my mom is gone, and this is what I get in exchange... it's a bitter pill to swallow.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
So many "truths" that I've stumbled over in recovery have been repeated in this thread...it's a real blessing to me at this point in time.
We are all struggling with our own issues, and when I was in active addiction I was one of those people with only one tool in my tool box...so I hammered everything and made a wreck of my life.
Recovery gives me tools and skills to use them. First thing first is to start rebuilding my life.
Hopefully one of the tools of recovery is a lens of perspective to see ourselves as humans, but also others...just people trying to get by, not demons or monsters. Perspective.
I often say it's time to put on my big girl panties. But I think I need to put a note on my bathroom mirror that reminds me to put on my wide angle truth lenses in the morning as well.
Thanks everyone posting on this thread for reminding me of that today.
We are all struggling with our own issues, and when I was in active addiction I was one of those people with only one tool in my tool box...so I hammered everything and made a wreck of my life.
Recovery gives me tools and skills to use them. First thing first is to start rebuilding my life.
Hopefully one of the tools of recovery is a lens of perspective to see ourselves as humans, but also others...just people trying to get by, not demons or monsters. Perspective.
I often say it's time to put on my big girl panties. But I think I need to put a note on my bathroom mirror that reminds me to put on my wide angle truth lenses in the morning as well.
Thanks everyone posting on this thread for reminding me of that today.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 126
If you don't respect her, then why are respecting her opinion of you? You are only making yourself miserable by giving value to her judgment of you!
I've always liked the saying, "what other people think is none of my business."
I've always liked the saying, "what other people think is none of my business."
Memberado
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by SoberJennie
Before I married my husband in November of 2011, there was a phone call and a conversation between my husband and his mother during which she overheard me crying in the background, and asked if everything was ok. He told her I'd just had a bad night of drinking and was very upset that day, a hangover really. And some depression. She told him: "It's only going to get worse."
I can't get this out of my mind now. It has been eating at me ever since. I understand why she said it. And I understand the odds are against most addicts ever getting and staying sober. Those are the facts. I get it.
But my heart just can't deal with this. My pride is hurt tremendously. I am a survivor, an adult child of an alcoholic. And if I dare say, I am far from a failure in life, despite my own addiction. I've accomplished some life goals that she has never come close to accomplishing and never will. Not that it matters really. It doesn't. But it made me feel like some hopeless failure that someone would think of me as this thing that's just never going to get better.
I hate her for saying it. And I hate that she's that petty. And that ignorant.
I am strong. I have survived a lot of things in my childhood that some wouldn't have. I went on to put myself through college and graduated with honors. I bought a house. Own my own, no man involved. I traveled, sometimes alone. I pushed myself. I moved to large cities for culture and experience. I am a published poet. I always forced myself out of my comfort zone.
I never used my alcoholic mom and limited upbringing as an excuse to hide behind.
It infuriates me that this childish, petty woman who refused to even get a drivers license and drive herself around... and instead is dependent on her husband to do so... and is uneducated, never left the town they grew up in... and taught my husband to fear everything... to not cook for himself... I could go on and on, but I'll stop there...
As you can see I am angry. And unforgiving toward her. To the point that I refuse to be around her. I have refused to go around his parents because I just can't stand them. She called me today on the phone to ask for my help with something and it brought all this back to my mind... I'm sitting here gritting my teeth.
How can I learn to deal with this?? This is a woman who troubles wait staff about the food she orders and returns things because she is so bored out of her mind, has no life, never leaves her own house until her husband takes her out to dinner nearly every night because she'd rather be waited on than cook.
Does anyone have a mother-in-law like this??
And yet she has the nerve to say I'll never get any better... she doesn't even know me. I think I've only been around them maybe 5-6 times in the 3 years I've known my husband. They are so superficial anyway; it'd be impossible to have a real conversation with them.
It should be easy for me to forgive someone like this, right? She is just ignorant, truly ignorant of so many things. After three years, my anger has only grown. And I guess it's because I'm now finally sober and having to deal with it all.
I can't get this out of my mind now. It has been eating at me ever since. I understand why she said it. And I understand the odds are against most addicts ever getting and staying sober. Those are the facts. I get it.
But my heart just can't deal with this. My pride is hurt tremendously. I am a survivor, an adult child of an alcoholic. And if I dare say, I am far from a failure in life, despite my own addiction. I've accomplished some life goals that she has never come close to accomplishing and never will. Not that it matters really. It doesn't. But it made me feel like some hopeless failure that someone would think of me as this thing that's just never going to get better.
I hate her for saying it. And I hate that she's that petty. And that ignorant.
I am strong. I have survived a lot of things in my childhood that some wouldn't have. I went on to put myself through college and graduated with honors. I bought a house. Own my own, no man involved. I traveled, sometimes alone. I pushed myself. I moved to large cities for culture and experience. I am a published poet. I always forced myself out of my comfort zone.
I never used my alcoholic mom and limited upbringing as an excuse to hide behind.
It infuriates me that this childish, petty woman who refused to even get a drivers license and drive herself around... and instead is dependent on her husband to do so... and is uneducated, never left the town they grew up in... and taught my husband to fear everything... to not cook for himself... I could go on and on, but I'll stop there...
As you can see I am angry. And unforgiving toward her. To the point that I refuse to be around her. I have refused to go around his parents because I just can't stand them. She called me today on the phone to ask for my help with something and it brought all this back to my mind... I'm sitting here gritting my teeth.
How can I learn to deal with this?? This is a woman who troubles wait staff about the food she orders and returns things because she is so bored out of her mind, has no life, never leaves her own house until her husband takes her out to dinner nearly every night because she'd rather be waited on than cook.
Does anyone have a mother-in-law like this??
And yet she has the nerve to say I'll never get any better... she doesn't even know me. I think I've only been around them maybe 5-6 times in the 3 years I've known my husband. They are so superficial anyway; it'd be impossible to have a real conversation with them.
It should be easy for me to forgive someone like this, right? She is just ignorant, truly ignorant of so many things. After three years, my anger has only grown. And I guess it's because I'm now finally sober and having to deal with it all.
My sympathies are with you on this one.
I too am stuck with people (mainly family members) who have said similar things about me. And also accused me of having done things, that I haven't, while drinking. One instance that come to mind is how my dad accuses me of having "made up" that I was robbed of my iPhone, by a guy with a knife pointed at me, in a public transport... His theory is I came up with that in order to get money from him (which I actually never even asked for nor got).
It's not exactly the same thing as with your mother in law, but it is an instance of a person that is definitely in my life... These days we are on polite but distant terms.
I have resolved to forgive him. I try to consider him a spiritually ill person. And I try to remember that what other people think of me is none of my business.
But now and then, I get flash backs from that time when he told me that, and it still makes me angry and hurt. These days I think it mainly makes me sad and not so much angry.
I think with recovery, I am gaining a greater acceptance of the fact that we are all human. Just human. And we all make mistakes. Today is today and what has happened in the past can be left there.
I can forgive, because holding a resentment against someone is like drinking poison myself and hoping that it will hurt the other person. It doesn't mean I have to hold that persons hand all my life and become best friends. I try to just put myself in a neutral spot with regard to that person.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: London
Posts: 50
Tamuera took the words right out of my mouth (fingers). People who are dismissive of others have either a very high or very low opinion of themselves. But im not sure it really matters which is the case for her. If it were me I'd just stick to my own truth, my own sense of achievement and growth in sobriety. Somehow with that flippant comment she's damaged your ego so badly as to leave you with lingering resentment. Do you need her to admire your sophistication and intellect? If she lacks sophistication and intellect herself she probably does not even see it. If I were in the same position I would look hard inside for why I'd had that strong reaction. What nerve has she touched? All you can do is act with grace. Focus on tolerating her, obnoxious as she is, and try not to repel her clumsy attempts a including you. She might even be harbouring resentments of her own toward you, after all you're her sons no.1 woman and, since you eloped together, she didn't even get to be centre of attention at the wedding! :-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
It's late and I'm about to fall asleep... but I just wanted to post a big "thank you" to all of you who took time to read this very long initial post (ha! quite a rant I had there...) of mine about my mother-in-law. I can hardly believe I went on about it so... that it had festered in my mind and heart the way it has... I do think just getting it out has helped me tremendously already. It's seems silly in retrospect, in some ways... however, I'm not going to minimize my feelings... because that is what gets me in trouble. I'm glad I voiced this anger/resentment. It needed to come out. And what better way than to share on a forum with other supportive friends?
Again, thanks so much for your feedback. Some of you shared some very personal stories and experiences... and a lot of wisdom as well... I'm so glad I posted this now. I'm going to read back over this often until I've managed to muster up compassion and understanding.
Again, thanks so much for your feedback. Some of you shared some very personal stories and experiences... and a lot of wisdom as well... I'm so glad I posted this now. I'm going to read back over this often until I've managed to muster up compassion and understanding.
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