Anger toward MIL
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Anger toward MIL
Before I married my husband in November of 2011, there was a phone call and a conversation between my husband and his mother during which she overheard me crying in the background, and asked if everything was ok. He told her I'd just had a bad night of drinking and was very upset that day, a hangover really. And some depression. She told him: "It's only going to get worse."
I can't get this out of my mind now. It has been eating at me ever since. I understand why she said it. And I understand the odds are against most addicts ever getting and staying sober. Those are the facts. I get it.
But my heart just can't deal with this. My pride is hurt tremendously. I am a survivor, an adult child of an alcoholic. And if I dare say, I am far from a failure in life, despite my own addiction. I've accomplished some life goals that she has never come close to accomplishing and never will. Not that it matters really. It doesn't. But it made me feel like some hopeless failure that someone would think of me as this thing that's just never going to get better.
I hate her for saying it. And I hate that she's that petty. And that ignorant.
I am strong. I have survived a lot of things in my childhood that some wouldn't have. I went on to put myself through college and graduated with honors. I bought a house. Own my own, no man involved. I traveled, sometimes alone. I pushed myself. I moved to large cities for culture and experience. I am a published poet. I always forced myself out of my comfort zone.
I never used my alcoholic mom and limited upbringing as an excuse to hide behind.
It infuriates me that this childish, petty woman who refused to even get a drivers license and drive herself around... and instead is dependent on her husband to do so... and is uneducated, never left the town they grew up in... and taught my husband to fear everything... to not cook for himself... I could go on and on, but I'll stop there...
As you can see I am angry. And unforgiving toward her. To the point that I refuse to be around her. I have refused to go around his parents because I just can't stand them. She called me today on the phone to ask for my help with something and it brought all this back to my mind... I'm sitting here gritting my teeth.
How can I learn to deal with this?? This is a woman who troubles wait staff about the food she orders and returns things because she is so bored out of her mind, has no life, never leaves her own house until her husband takes her out to dinner nearly every night because she'd rather be waited on than cook.
Does anyone have a mother-in-law like this??
And yet she has the nerve to say I'll never get any better... she doesn't even know me. I think I've only been around them maybe 5-6 times in the 3 years I've known my husband. They are so superficial anyway; it'd be impossible to have a real conversation with them.
It should be easy for me to forgive someone like this, right? She is just ignorant, truly ignorant of so many things. After three years, my anger has only grown. And I guess it's because I'm now finally sober and having to deal with it all.
I can't get this out of my mind now. It has been eating at me ever since. I understand why she said it. And I understand the odds are against most addicts ever getting and staying sober. Those are the facts. I get it.
But my heart just can't deal with this. My pride is hurt tremendously. I am a survivor, an adult child of an alcoholic. And if I dare say, I am far from a failure in life, despite my own addiction. I've accomplished some life goals that she has never come close to accomplishing and never will. Not that it matters really. It doesn't. But it made me feel like some hopeless failure that someone would think of me as this thing that's just never going to get better.
I hate her for saying it. And I hate that she's that petty. And that ignorant.
I am strong. I have survived a lot of things in my childhood that some wouldn't have. I went on to put myself through college and graduated with honors. I bought a house. Own my own, no man involved. I traveled, sometimes alone. I pushed myself. I moved to large cities for culture and experience. I am a published poet. I always forced myself out of my comfort zone.
I never used my alcoholic mom and limited upbringing as an excuse to hide behind.
It infuriates me that this childish, petty woman who refused to even get a drivers license and drive herself around... and instead is dependent on her husband to do so... and is uneducated, never left the town they grew up in... and taught my husband to fear everything... to not cook for himself... I could go on and on, but I'll stop there...
As you can see I am angry. And unforgiving toward her. To the point that I refuse to be around her. I have refused to go around his parents because I just can't stand them. She called me today on the phone to ask for my help with something and it brought all this back to my mind... I'm sitting here gritting my teeth.
How can I learn to deal with this?? This is a woman who troubles wait staff about the food she orders and returns things because she is so bored out of her mind, has no life, never leaves her own house until her husband takes her out to dinner nearly every night because she'd rather be waited on than cook.
Does anyone have a mother-in-law like this??
And yet she has the nerve to say I'll never get any better... she doesn't even know me. I think I've only been around them maybe 5-6 times in the 3 years I've known my husband. They are so superficial anyway; it'd be impossible to have a real conversation with them.
It should be easy for me to forgive someone like this, right? She is just ignorant, truly ignorant of so many things. After three years, my anger has only grown. And I guess it's because I'm now finally sober and having to deal with it all.
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I don't know, Dee. I just hear it over and over again in my mind. I'm stuck in some loop apparently, lizard brain thinking I guess. Ugh. Problems in my marriage sure aren't helping things.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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I have a few choice comments from others that flash in my head too Jennie....It is so frustrating and soul wrenching. As if you are not beating yourself up as it is. I can pretty much tell from this and your other posts that you are a classy gal. I don't know how you move on from this type of anger as i myself have trouble in the same area. I don't lash out..I internalize it all. I do feel better that i'm sober and time has made those angry thoughts become less.. be good to yourself
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You have a resentment and you are reliving the moment.
She probably lashed out at you because she is insecure in her own way about something. Try not to take it personally, I know it is hard, but you have to forge ahead and focus on your recovery and your marriage. Do not let this petty situation hold you back. Be the bigger person.
You know that you are in recovery doing the right thing. That is all you need to know. Eff what she thinks.
She probably lashed out at you because she is insecure in her own way about something. Try not to take it personally, I know it is hard, but you have to forge ahead and focus on your recovery and your marriage. Do not let this petty situation hold you back. Be the bigger person.
You know that you are in recovery doing the right thing. That is all you need to know. Eff what she thinks.
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This is awful... but I resent her because she is so unlike my own mother, who died three years ago. I am stuck with this MIL I can barely stand to be in the same room with and is nothing like my mom. I think I am angry that my mom is gone, and this is what I get in exchange... it's a bitter pill to swallow.
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My Mom remarried several years back and her new husband would rub me the wrong way most of the time. Sometimes I really felt hurt by his actions and to this day there are things I remember about him that upset me. Then he became sick with cancer and passed away a few years ago. Even in his passing there are still days that I think negatively about some of the things he said and did but I am also reminded of some of the good things.
My Mom truly loved him even with how grating he could be at times, he had some talents and hobbies he was good at. He was a great gardener and cook, he could make anything grow and while his cooking wasn't my favorite he loved to do it. As a Chef myself I learned to appreciate the fact that he loved it when sometimes I felt it was mundane from doing it professionally.
Over the years he would send me or give me plants and some of them survived. After his death I began to cherish the few plants that still grow and now put extra effort into making them grow healthy. The Crab Apple tree that he sent me as a sapling almost died a few times but now it is doing great because I am nurturing it to preserve his memory. I show my Mom all the things I still have growing that he gave me and I think it gives her some comfort. My Mom also gave me a really nice Chef Knife set that he had and I hung them on my Magnet in my Kitchen and they are now all I use at home.
I show them to her when she comes over and demonstrate how sharp I kept them. I suppose in his absence I learned to appreciate the things he was good at and try to remember him for the positive things he had. Does that make the memory of him better? Likely not, but for my own solace it serves as a memorial to his legacy to remember the things he loved which most of all was my Mother.
Just food for thought Jennie, I can relate to how you feel and just trying to put it in a different perspective for you.
My Mom truly loved him even with how grating he could be at times, he had some talents and hobbies he was good at. He was a great gardener and cook, he could make anything grow and while his cooking wasn't my favorite he loved to do it. As a Chef myself I learned to appreciate the fact that he loved it when sometimes I felt it was mundane from doing it professionally.
Over the years he would send me or give me plants and some of them survived. After his death I began to cherish the few plants that still grow and now put extra effort into making them grow healthy. The Crab Apple tree that he sent me as a sapling almost died a few times but now it is doing great because I am nurturing it to preserve his memory. I show my Mom all the things I still have growing that he gave me and I think it gives her some comfort. My Mom also gave me a really nice Chef Knife set that he had and I hung them on my Magnet in my Kitchen and they are now all I use at home.
I show them to her when she comes over and demonstrate how sharp I kept them. I suppose in his absence I learned to appreciate the things he was good at and try to remember him for the positive things he had. Does that make the memory of him better? Likely not, but for my own solace it serves as a memorial to his legacy to remember the things he loved which most of all was my Mother.
Just food for thought Jennie, I can relate to how you feel and just trying to put it in a different perspective for you.
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Originally Posted by SoberJennie 
It infuriates me that this childish, petty woman who refused to even get a drivers license and drive herself around... and instead is dependent on her husband to do so... and is uneducated, never left the town they grew up in... and taught my husband to fear everything... to not cook for himself... I could go on and on, but I'll stop there...
I have problems with my FIL. It is very difficult, and although he is not much of a support for my husband, he and his daughter have tried to interfere with our marriage in attempts to seem supportive. Our best defense against them has always to stick together.
Family is hard.
Have you or your husband considered the possibility that she may have a personality disorder? It seems from your description that she is afraid that she will be left on her own and does whatever she can to make herself dependent on others and vice versa to keep her sense of control. Just my two cents or stab in the dark.
As to her comment about the hangover, unfortunately, she was right about at least one thing. I am sure you know that. Many people tried to point out that my drinking was abnormal throughout the years, but I thought they were overreacting and attributed their comments to them being Mormon, prudish or petty.
-first
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This woman is so incredibly selfish and self-absorbed... when my husband and I called her after we were married (we eloped to keep things simple) she couldn't stop trying to convert me to Christianity and keep droning on about God and my lack of belief. When we went to visit shortly after this, it was her time to pull out her gobs of wedding pictures to show me all her many wedding photos... so, somehow my wedding to her son turned into her own show... her religion, her beliefs, her wedding, her wedding pics. It was disgusting. I was sick to my stomach while she was opening up photo album after photo album.
When I showed her a picture of my dead mother once when they visited my house, she immediately changed the subject to her own dead father... and then cried right there in front of me telling me how much of a daddy's girl she'd been... and he'd died when was 18.
When I showed her a picture of my dead mother once when they visited my house, she immediately changed the subject to her own dead father... and then cried right there in front of me telling me how much of a daddy's girl she'd been... and he'd died when was 18.
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Originally Posted by Sudz No More
I suppose in his absence I learned to appreciate the things he was good at and try to remember him for the positive things he had. Does that make the memory of him better? Likely not, but for my own solace it serves as a memorial to his legacy to remember the things he loved which most of all was my Mother.
Just food for thought Jennie, I can relate to how you feel and just trying to put it in a different perspective for you.
Just food for thought Jennie, I can relate to how you feel and just trying to put it in a different perspective for you.
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Sounds like my MIL. I think that it is perfectly normal for there to be conflict with our MILs. In general, I keep my husband's family at a comfortable emotional distance. So I am able to get along with them the few times that we get together.
Remember what Samantha once told Carrie on Sex in the City. "His mother is supposed to be the obstacle to the relationship."
Remember what Samantha once told Carrie on Sex in the City. "His mother is supposed to be the obstacle to the relationship."
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Originally Posted by 1stthingsfirst
Have you or your husband considered the possibility that she may have a personality disorder? It seems from your description that she is afraid that she will be left on her own and does whatever she can to make herself dependent on others and vice versa to keep her sense of control. Just my two cents or stab in the dark.
It really makes me want to say: Hey, grow up. Quit being so stuck in your own world. Your family doesn't exist to entertain you. But, sadly, they've all grown to accept her the way she is and plays right into it. Her 31 yr old daughter still lives at home in their house, with 3 kids... the grandfather is the only one supporting the entire family. And he works his arse off.
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Originally Posted by SoberJennie
Well, it seems to me she is delusional and self-absorbed. I don't think she has a fear in the world she'd be left on her own... she went from being the youngest child among her siblings and her dad's favorite, apparently, to being supported by her husband and never ever worked in her life. All she's done is sat around in that house. She doesn't get out, doesn't visit anyone. Her own sister comes to visit her. I don't understand it at all. It seems that she never grew up. When she's around the grandkids, she acts like one of them. She acts just like one of the kids. She doesn't even try to exert authority over them. Her husband is at her beck and call. And when she calls my husband on the phone, it's as if he exists just to entertain her.
It really makes me want to say: Hey, grow up. Quit being so stuck in your own world. Your family doesn't exist to entertain you. But, sadly, they've all grown to accept her the way she is and plays right into it. Her 31 yr old daughter still lives at home in their house, 3 kids... the grandfather is the only one supporting the entire family. And he works his arse off.
It really makes me want to say: Hey, grow up. Quit being so stuck in your own world. Your family doesn't exist to entertain you. But, sadly, they've all grown to accept her the way she is and plays right into it. Her 31 yr old daughter still lives at home in their house, 3 kids... the grandfather is the only one supporting the entire family. And he works his arse off.
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You should thank her. You will stay sober and that comment is fueling some of it. And of course all the recovery work you're doing (which I read the other day and you are obviously committed).
She is miserable. What you have described is a miserable life, she talks about others so she can judge them and not look at herself. I wish I could give some sage advice on how to get rid of it but I don't know... I'm working on these too. Good luck.
She is miserable. What you have described is a miserable life, she talks about others so she can judge them and not look at herself. I wish I could give some sage advice on how to get rid of it but I don't know... I'm working on these too. Good luck.
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Originally Posted by Tamerua
You should thank her. You will stay sober and that comment is fueling some of it.
It is fueling some of it. I guess a little anger can be a good motivator. As long as I use it constructively. And that means at some point I'll have to let all this anger toward her go. I don't have to like her. But she is his mother.
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