ams0602

I'm confused lately. I've been without drinking for 15 days. I had three sips of beer on two occasions just to taste what my boyfriend was drinking but it didn't make me want to drink more. But then in my head - I think, well maybe it's b/c getting drunk isn't an option I'm allowing myself and I don't want just one beer so nah... Not happening.

The worst of my drinking was when I was on Zoloft and after a break-up. The drinking before that was mostly partying. After getting off of Zoloft (this is a real issue btw, you can google it) and meeting my current boyfriend things got better. I wasn't drinking as often and then I decided to quit.

Also, once I told my b/f I wanted to stop drinking, I feel like, I dunno... I have to honor that now that I have said that explicitly to him.

I guess one part of me is like, "Well, things got better and not drinking hasn't been hard so is this a real issue? Am I a true alcoholic?"

Is that alcoholism talking to me?

I still don't plan on drinking. I'm sticking with sobriety. But am I being stupid for even wondering? Maybe it's just been easy this time b/c of support.

I remember trying to quit many times and not quitting so I am inclined to think that this mental questioning is the "AV". :-/

ams0602

You guys have been a major part of that support, btw! Thanks!

ams0602

And I meant three sips over the course of two occasions.

Dee74

Maybe look at it a different way ams. you committed to quitting for good reasons - but even over the last 15 days, you've had sips of alcohol.

I'm not highlighting that to beat you up - just to suggest that maybe this thing has more of a hold on you than you're admitting to yourself?

D

ams0602

Possibly so. He asked if it was ok if I tasted it and I could have turned it down. I totally could have. But I just felt like, "Well, I'm definitely not gonna have more so it's no biggie". But I'm not sure if that's the addiction rearing its head or not.

The fact that I'm not sure is exactly why I have to keep on not drinking, I guess. Might as well have no sips. No point in the temptation.

Dee74

Go back and read your first post too ams.

D

ams0602

Oh. I KNOW. As quick as I have thoughts of "Maybe this isn't as bad as I thought" I remember all of that stuff. So, I guess it's kind of like two voices in there.

ams0602

So I guess the answer is, "It is overwhelmingly likely that this is the addiction talking. " LOL... Well, that was an easy one to work out.

tomsteve

i really hope ya dont "just taste" what others are drinking anymore. its russian roullette.

seems it would have been quite simple to ask what he was drinking.

ams0602

It was an offer. I should have turned it down but I didn't. And it turned out totally ok. But you're right. It could be different next time. So... No more of that :-)

That's why you guys are here though, right? We need reminders like these.

Fallow

I stopped fighting with the word alcoholic. It doesn't bother me to say I am one or that I am not. I know I quit drinking for a lot of reasons.

It would be teasing myself to drink sips of beer. Dangling my hand over the fire to see if I would get burned. Then telling myself 'see there's the proof! I didn't get burned..' as a justification to keep playing with fire.

I have been there.

If I was asking myself those questions I would say it is AV. There is an internal struggle going on. I don't think it is stupid I think it is a natural part of the process and coming to terms about our relationship with alcohol.

tomsteve

nothin uniqu about the thinkinthing. i had many times the maybes came into my head. luckily i didnt completely fry my memory and remember how good trying to control drinking worked.

alcohol-cunning,baffling,powerful, patient, and dadly.

ams0602

Yeah. I've read up enough on addiction to know that it's pretty common thinking. Enough to know that that was probably what was happening in my own brain.

That putting the hand over the fire comment was a really excellent comparison. I think that was part of it... The being able to say, "I didn't get burned". Silly, really. But it happens. I'm still committed to the not drinking thing. Not even sips from here on out!

freshstart57

You seem to be the sort that has the ability to be aware of thoughts and observing them. This is a good thing. May I suggest you look into more info about AV and the ability to recognize it? I have found this to be an extremely useful tool in battling my addiction to alcohol.

There is a lot of info on this AV business in the Secular Connections forum here at SR. This thread might be useful to you, it is one person's experience with this AV recognition: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

ams0602

Thanks, FreshStart! I'll check it out. I actually started researching AVRT today :-)

deeker

yup thats ur illness speaking to you.

You wouldn't be here if there wasn't a problem. Coming here is the most honest thing a person can do without even saying they are an alcoholic.

Comin here is a subtle admission that "I am concerned about my drinking"

And normal drinkers just don't do that. I am glad u r here.

NotDrinkingInCT

do some controlled drinking like the big book describes if you are that curious. I know i couldn't and I also know I am an alcoholic