NT12ME

After drinking heavily (12-20 beers a day) for the past 10 years (I'm 28 years old) I have finally come to my wits and realized I have been slowly killing myself along with every intimate relationship, career opportunity and family relationship the whole time. I also realized I have very few "real" friends, I have constantly surrounded myself with others that enjoy indulging in heavy alcohol abuse.

As if realizing you have no real friends isn't bad enough, well the woman of my dreams who has stuck by my side for the past 3 years in the midst of my over the top drinking, decided yesterday would be the day she tells me she can't take it anymore and that our relationship is over. I cannot remember the last time I cried so hard, that is when I realized I haven't felt any emotions for the past 10 years. I hate to beat myself up over the fact that I was a terrible boyfriend, but it's hard not to place the blame on me. I was constantly very snappy (especially when hungover, which was just about every day), I showed her very little affection, when I was drunk I would say some of the nastiest things you could ever imagine to her and not even feel bad about it.

Well, I have chosen to become a better man. Alcohol and bad decisions are the reason I have been without a drivers license or a steady job for the past 4 years, though I could have gotten my license back 3 years ago. I am getting off the sauce cold turkey. I understand my achievement so far is minute compared to most of the stories I have read on this forum among other sites on the internet, but I feel so much better already. Yesterday (day 3), I had a serious breakdown after being told the relationship of my dreams was shattered. I cried for hours, and it felt good. Unfortunately, I don't have a very big support system considering all of the people I usually hang out with are also alcoholics. I just wish my girl could understand how long of a road I have in front of me and how much easier it would be on me if she was by my side. Maybe I don't deserve it to be easy, and maybe I should feel some of the pain that I have put her through over the duration of our up and down relationship.

With the weekend right around the corner, the true stand-off between David and Goliath lurks in the shadows. I have 100% faith in myself and know I can conquer this beast, but I just miss the love of my life (my woman, not the booze). Anyone fallen into a similar situation? Coping with the symptoms of sobriety is hard enough, but now I also have a broken heart and feel extremely guilty for my actions and lack of affection towards the love of my life over the past 3 years. It is nice to finally feel emotions, but I wish the situation was the other way around so I could show her the real me, whom nobody knows.

Maybe she is concerned that when I am completely sober and get back on my feet and back behind the wheel I won't want her anymore?? Keep in mind I have been depending on her for rides here and there for our entire relationship. I am thinking so much clearer after 4 days without a drink, almost too clear to be honest. I just don't know what to think and hope at the end of this battle my love decides to come back to me.

Thanks for reading and I look forward to reading anyone else's similar experiences.

Patsfan

Congrat's on 4 days of sobriety. I don't have any similar experiences to share, but wanted to tell you I am glad that you have decided to stop drinking. You can do it. You are only 28, you have a long healthy life to look forward to. Best of luck!

NT12ME

Thank you!

theHomerSimpson

Dont think your head is as clear as it seems right now, its just less cloudy than 4 days ago! I know this from my experience and just today talking with an AA guy I had mentioned that my mind was clear and he sort of snickered and said "no its not, you(I) have a long time to go before its clear", and I have 3 weeks sober. He said I will know in some months from now what a clear mind truly is. I am looking at it as something to keep me sober, maybe his intention, maybe not.

I just went through a situation with my wife that is very similar to yours only my wife just left for a week. In the meantime I had stopped drinking, started AA and go almost everyday to meetings and started seeing a therapist to piece my life back together and possibly find what I am trying to escape by self-medicating. By the sounds of it you needed to cry, for her and for YOU! I drank the same amount of beer as you for over 20 years,smoked weed and took benzos(valuim-type drug) on daily basis. I am a freakin mess, and wonder why she stayed with me for so long, actually everybody wonders the same thing. Your lady probably had an awakening, and her leaving you may have too.

Now tho, you have to begin getting well, and whatever way you choose, stick to it and give 100%! Its gonna suck for some time,not 4 days like you have or even 3 weeks like I have, probably more like months. It is possible but you have to really want this for YOU, I know how you feel and been feeling for a long time now only you ran into a crisis and decided to finally stop which is the easy part, its staying stopped where the hard work comes in to play. Will I drink tomorrow?, IDK, all I do know is I wont drink today hence the slogan "one day at a time". I hope your efforts will save you, and secondly I hope your changes will help get you back with the lady you love, and just expect its not gonna be anytime soon before she regains trust in you, thats my opinion. Dont overtalk your quitting to her as I am sure she heard it all before, just do it and she and everybody else will notice and probably be closer to you than ever since you became alcohol abuser/alcoholic.

I wish you the best of luck, you are NOT alone, I am right along with you trying to repair myself and those I care about. Keep at it and dont get discouraged, AA is working for me so it may be worth a try for you, obviously you have nothing to lose by attending a few meetings.

Patrick

NT12ME

I appreciate your feedback, but I also haven't been able to think this clearly in the past 10 years. During my meltdown last night the past 10 years flashed in front of my eyes, all the mistakes I've made, all the friends I've lost, jobs I've lost, girlfriends I've lost, and the list goes on. I must say this is the first time something like this has ever happened to me. What an eye opener!

LexieCat

Believe it or not, it can actually be much easier to get sober without having a relationship to complicate things. Not that I would advise people to break up (unless the relationship was actively jeopardizing one's sobriety), but this may be for the best. She has her own pain to deal with, and I hope she tries Al-Anon as a support for herself.

YOU have to focus on your own recovery. I strongly suggest AA as a way to achieve and maintain the real changes you want to make in yourself. Despite how good you are feeling with not drinking right now, there is a tendency for the alcoholism to fight back, and to weasel its way back into your life.

Congrats on making a decision that will make your whole life better. Will your g/f come back if you stay sober? Nobody can say. But you are stuck with yourself, no matter what, and you stand a much better chance of lasting happiness sober--whether it is with this person or another.

NT12ME

You know, often times I felt she drove me to drink, but keep in mind at this time I was not healthy, and I would probably drink whether she drove me to or not. But now that I feel 10000% better even after a few days, I just wish she was here to witness my progress first hand.

They have an AA class about 3 miles from my house that I am thinking about sitting in on. I'm not sure if I should though since I have not had ANY urge whatsoever to have a drink in the past 4 days. I haven't talked to anyone that goes to AA so I'm not really sure what takes place and I wouldn't want to go to a meeting and have something trigger an urge.

Deestizo

Congrats on 4 days! I'm in the same boat. I tried to stop drinking a few weeks ago but once the weekend hit, my few days clean vanished. Today is my first day. Tomorrow will be hard. But I have faith in myself. You seem like a smart guy, you can do this. Good luck to you!!

LexieCat

Well, since you asked (sorta), here is a VERY informative link about What to Expect at Your First AA Meeting. I would definitely recommend giving it a try. It's helped keep ME sober for the past four and a half years.

deadlydame

Hello NT12ME, and congratulations on your new recovery. First off, I agree with some members here: I would strongly suggest to start going to meetings whether AA or NA, to go there with an open mind, to remember that you dont have to take what you don't like and that you will hear something that will struck a chord, no matter how good or bad of a meeting it is... I resisted NA, AA,... for years because I based my overall impressions on these first meetings I attended and unfortunately, they happened to be the ones where I personally do not feel the most comfortable. I prefer small to large meetings, I prefer a more "laid back" approach where others go for the exact opposite. What I did not know at the time is that going to meetings is like looking for a therapist, it usually takes some time and visits to various therapists before finally finding the one that fits "us." Which does not mean that he/she is the best one, just that he/she is the best for us. Addicts: Yes we are connected somewhere but I also consider that to share this connection does not mean that one and unique approach to recovery will work for all of us. Some of us will find in NA and AA, a structure that by itself is sufficient... Others, including myself, will need to build a structure where we can work both with a therapist, a face to face type of work and a NA group support, sponsor,... system... Others will be able to recover on their own, and some will find online what they need... So long story short, I do think that a support system is key and the best thing you can do in order to protect your recovery. As far as the heart, boy can I understand where you are at? All i can say is that: you should try as much as you can not to blame and judge yourself... It is very easy to shame ourselves and shame is one strong trigger for all addicts... Shame is powerful... So, I am not telling you not to take your part of the responsibility... Yet, to beat yourself is first of, dishonest (It takes two to tango...) and a sure way to relapsing. I know... Been there myself... I think that the key here is to be able to "trust" that everything happens for a reason and that if you two are meant to be together, it will happen... As long as you keep your focus on your recovery... Four days aren't much, and yet, they are big steps... The recovery process is a life time process... Yet, the magic it brings starts with Day One... Hang in there... 28 years old... Your life to live!

NT12ME

Thank you! As I sit here, sipping my morning coffee, I look forward to conquering this weekends challenges, whatever they may be. I have already reached out to most of my old drinking buddies and told them the situation at hand. Of course some of them told me, "You'll be fine to drink on the weekends, just don't drink during the week" HA! Easier said than done. One of my friends told me "Mind over beer", which is actually pretty good advice, but I have zero desire to test my luck.

If I choose to join in on any social gathering this weekend, I am looking forward to being the sober one. There are a few people in my little social circle that also don't drink, but their reasoning is quite a bit different than mine, these people have never drank in their lives. I still plan on trying to be the life of the party, just without the intoxicants. Besides, nobody likes the guy that drinks 20 beers and 10 shots of whiskey and wants to arm wrestle and spar with everyone, and that's usually me. So good luck to you as well this weekend. YOU can do it!

- Nick

Thank you for the feedback. Personally I believe I can tame this wild beast of an addiction on my own. I want this, I want to live life to it's fullest, and if alcohol plays any role in that, it will not happen. I like the concept of the AA meetings, and maybe will sit in on one or two just for the hell of it, but I don't think it's going to be something I find myself gaining anything from just because I've always been so hard headed and stubborn. I feel like there's nothing anyone can tell me that will help me get healthy, the only person that is going to make that happen is ME.

As far as the heart goes, the break is already starting to mend. After 4 days of sobriety my (ex)girlfriend can already see a difference in my outlook on life, I have been thinking positive, talking about goals that I am determined to accomplish over the next few months. For example, I told her I renewed my gym membership and she told me "I know you're going to meet someone else, I can feel it", see, she knows how much potential I have, and when I'm sober I could be on top of the world. I almost think she is scared that when I'm healthy maybe she won't be good enough for me? I hope that is not the case, and I have assured her that it isn't. She is the love of my life, all her imperfections is what makes her perfect.

- Nick

theHomerSimpson

My good friend just now texted me, he was my drinking pal yet turned into a good friend BUT I have not been by to see him in 3 weeks. Why? because going to his shop where he drinks and we used to, may jeopardize my goal on staying sober. I feel horrible as I was like his only friend that cared about his life. Sometimes we have to change alot of things in early sobriety if we really want to recover. Sounds like you are pretty confused, I hope you do the right thing for yourself.
Good luck,

Patrick

NT12ME

Not so much confused, more like determined. Some of my drinking pals are in their 40's and are trapped in a vicious cycle of drowning themselves in copious amounts of booze. One of my older friends in particular has no problem drinking a fifth of Jameson and a 18 pack of Coors in a evening. He also has 2 kids that are closing in on their teenage years and are subjected to the heavy drinking and the recklessness that comes with it. I don't want to be in a situation that is even similar to that.

theHomerSimpson

Im 43, 2 sons aged 24 and 16, and boy did I f*** them up! Not physically and never abusive but just not being a good father, so YES, I F***** them up! Think of television show sitcoms, theres always the great dad and then theres the screwed up friends dad, stupid example but kids do see this on TV and in real life. It hurts them deeply and its an embarrassment! At 28 you have an opportunity I passed on and will now have to live with my choice to keep on drinking and getting high FOREVER!

If you drank 15-20 beers everyday then you are more messed uo than you think, I am finally starting to see just how bad of condition my life and my mind are. I used to go under a different name about 10 years ago here, IMHomerSimpson, read the archives and you will see NOTHING has changed since I started posting again here 3 weeks ago! I really hope you get it bro, everyday that goes by while you are a drunk is a day lost and probably one less day you will live due to alcohol abuse health effects. Thats 14 days gone from your existence in only 1 week!

AA can seem strange at 1st but just sit and listen to the stories these people have to say, you will be like OMFG, thats me! But now these people are freaking so happy and lead normal lives. You will encounter some that take AA to the extreme but if thats what they choose to do to be free from alcohol, so be it. Being a non-drinker doesnt make you less of a man, it actually makes you MORE of a man. Just picture yourself sober and your drunken buddy wants to spar with you, you being straight will make a fool of him! Be careful tho, a drunk NEVER likes to lose and may get serious out of embarassment, but the sober you wil know its not worth it and difuse the situation.(ok,another bad example but you get my point).

Get some help, dont be me, there is no rewind button or time machine so do NOT waste the best years of your life. Keep coming here and try AA meeting just to listen, theres no pressure and actually some cool people you will meet. Just LISTEN!

Good luck man,you sound so much like me it hurts to read your posts.

Patrick

JesseJe

Congratulations you can totally do this. I can hear it in your words that you are strong and ready. I too quit booze but it was more because of the end of a relationship. It was very very difficult with no alcohol to cover things up but you learn to deal with your emotions as they rise up in you. You become aware of them, they do their thing and then they go. And you HEAL. It's a process. Just be mindful and strong. I wish you the best of luck.

neferkamichael

NT12ME, Day 4 of sobriety? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulation. I am glad you have come to your wits at such a young age. Unfortunatedly I didn't and spent a fortune and wasted a life time. Hope you don't. Rootin for ya.

deadlydame

"... and maybe will sit in on one or two just for the hell of it, but I don't think it's going to be something I find myself gaining anything from just because I've always been so hard headed and stubborn."

Oh boy, I used to say the exact same thing... Maybe not exactly like that, but, that's exactly how I felt.

Nick, I am not going to argue with you. As I am convinced that:
It is not because I am 42 and you are 28 that I know better.
It is not because we are both addicts that what is working for me is going to necessarily work for you. The approach that some AA or NA members have towards recovery: “My way or the highway” type approach. My program is the only program. What works for me is what works for everybody else… is a big turn off to me and that is what I heard when I first sat in these rooms. I was quickly convinced that NA was not for me.
And… I know better than trying to change the mind of another stubborn, hard headed addict…

What I also know now is that I am someone who cannot do this alone. That I have nothing to be ashamed of. That 42 is as perfect of an age as 27or 59 or... is to start our recovery.

Most importantly, I now know that NA is part of the program that will work for me (I am very lucky in that I can afford a therapist for the one on one more personal stuff that requires a professional) I have a wonderful sponsor but she is not a therapist. She knows it, I know it… But I need her and I need my therapist… for my program. It is just me.

Some addicts just need AA, others need to walk the path of recovery by themselves… and so forth and so on.

If I write this it is because what you said in your reply sounded so familiar… I made the mistake years ago to believe that I could only do this alone and that NA was not for me. I was wrong. It is ok. You are probably right, Nick. I am not in your shoes so who am I to say? But would it be fair to say, that you too, could be wrong? Again, this is not a game of who is right or who is wrong? There is no prize to win as far as I am concerned. And again, Kudos for your determination, for a 28-year old, you are doing ok… At 28, I was clueless about my addiction(s). Best to you, Sandrine

2granddaughters

I came to my wits often in the past... I just couldn't stay with them for long.

NT12ME, I wish you the best. AA will be there for you if you need it.

Bob R

deadlydame

Hey LexieCat, thank you for the link!!! (which I had to remove since I am a newbie here... still!!!

Good think to have... And, Best to you!

NT12ME

Just reading through the replies and I want to say thanks for all the great advice and suggestions.

Well, Friday night comes to an end and day 5 is in the books. I went over and hung out with a drinking buddy of mine and his girlfriend and drank a small glass of diet coke while they enjoyed their alcoholic beverages and I must say I didn't feel an urge to drink at all. I did feel a little awkward without a beer in hand considering this is my first social encounter with someone I always drink with but after about an hour or so I felt much more comfortable.

One day at a time.