bemyself

Remember the old nuclear disarmament nonsense of the 80s? Mutually Assured Destruction, M.A.D. Well, that's alcohol and me; so after relapsing effectively since mid-last year - first occasionally, all the way through to full relapse, daily drinking and getting earlier and earlier in the day.....

Yesterday, I stopped jerking myself around, and rang to secure a bed in my previous rehab facility, as well as to book my precious dog into a nearby boarding kennels. Neither of these things 'appeal' to me, BUT: if I don't stop drinking again, and (just for me) in a medically-assisted withdrawal process, I will be a complete, dysfunctional, and very very sick mess. Sooner rather than later, too, at the rate this addiction has returned and progressed its attacks so rapidly in recent weeks.

So, next Tuesday's the day....and I just have to get through today(Saturday here), Sunday and Monday.

Just puttin' it out there - partly as a warning to any who are flirting with the idea of 'just a little slip' might not hurt.........BALDERDASH, I say!

MyTimeNow

Hey Bemyself,

It's a good choice you have made, you know that. You can get through Saturday, Sunday and Monday... hey - just click for updates of me and DS on Segway rally thingie!

I'm here, always.

Wishing you all the best and sending you much love. Obviously hope to speak to you before then!

Max xx

bemyself

You;re such a precious :-) I don't even know what a Segway rally thingy is, but sure you'll have some fun with your son.

xxx
Vic

Dee74

really glad you've taken the bull by the horns Vic

D

bemyself

Indeed, Dee - now have to wrestle the ba*&%d to the ground, and stick a pitchfork in It. I mean, for Goddess' sake, I'm drinking now, at 9.30 in the morning to stave off withdrawals.................................utter madness.

You guys are SUCH a blessing and I hope I can get my faltering laptop to work on the hospital's dodgy wi-fi, so I can keep in contact with my SR family. I mean, someone's gotta keep MTN's daily structure in place lol!

Dee74

as you said...it's....balderdash...

D

bemyself

Thanks guys n gals, SR means so much to me....it's literally a lifeline, spread across the globe.

I'll probably add to this thread during these three days pre-rehab, if only to utter random musings. I apologise in advance if / when some of them sound clearly 'under the influence', because I have to maintenance drink now to stave off the withdrawals. The classic vicious cycle of active addiction, in the body itself.

In between, I'll have to try to achieve some domestics too - like wash some clothes, work out what to pack, check which bills need to be paid in advance, stuff like that. As a fabulous book by Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield is titled: 'After Enlightenment, the Laundry'!

MyTimeNow

random musings are the best to get out I find... well having said that, I can drive myself utterly mad by thinking about thinking...

You're going to be fine. You've taken that huge first important step and after that... yes you can be MTN's daily butt kicker! (It's a role that only the hardest can fulfill... daily bootcamp)

I've no idea what a Segway Rally is either. I'm sure I'm going to fall off lots, in lots on mud, which will no doubt have my son in stitches... ultimate aim achieved

I have to get to bed before I turn into a pumpkin. You take care tonight, catch up tomorrow xx

RobbyRobot

That's great news to hear, Vic. Really awesome!! I totally believe you made the right decision with the soon to happen detoxing even if it initially brings added difficulties as well as sorely needed solutions. I'm always in your corner Vic, and I'm way impressed with your willingness to detox, and thereafter become the real sober person you truly can be.




Looking forward to hearing more as you add to your thread, Vic.

MrDavid

I hear you, bemyself. No one ever said staying sober would be easy, but then again they never walked in our shoes either. There’s always some unforeseen danger just waiting to trip us up. I guess it’s just part of this thing we call sober grace. There does come a time, however, when we need to make changes; for yourself and our future. What better time than now. I hope it’s the change you so desperately need.

For years I bounced from program to program trying to find some way to beat this dreaded disease, or at least find some much need clarity. All that struggling led me nowhere. The thoughts of ‘what to do next’ always became my tripping up point. What followed was, of course, more of the same. I had to find a real connection somewhere before those uncomfortable feelings would set in, again. That’s why it’s important to develop a good support network: People who can be your eyes, ears and voice of reason when you need them the most. It was a game changer for me. I couldn’t travel this road alone and what I quickly discovered was how important those sober relations actually were. They became a firm foundation for what I call…lasting change. After that, my life started to improve, and, of course, so can yours.

I hope next Tuesday is the day you make that change. I hope. We’ll leave the light on for you.

~God Bless~

bemyself

Well, I did threaten to pop in a few musings (aka ramblings of a drunk).... I'm not used to doing this kind of thing, to be honest. I mean posting drunk ramblings to a host of people out there, some of whom have sort have become my virtual friends (Facebook? meh. Gave it up for Lent a long time ago; SR's much better).

Anyway, thank you Robby and the mysterious 'MrDavid' (sorry, I haven't come across you before, but by gee, Wappinger Falls, NY sounds quite exotic).

Here, it's about 9.20 pm, the daylight saving time darkness at the end-ish of summer has finally fallen. There have been kookaburras laughing their heads off in nearby trees / bush (aka forest). Yes, it's suburban, but I'm blessed to have found a rental place with some bush barely two doors away, down in a gully with a creek running through it. Hence, at night, like now and often in the mornings, I can hear the neighbourhood dogs barking, from across the gully / ravine (ravine's probably too strong a word)....the aforesaid kookaburras do their thing, extremely loudly....various crickets and locusts chirp quietly away.

The trees - lots of big ones, both Aussie and European - are waving and whispering in the blessedly cool-ish breeze outside. It's been a hard summer for me (and so many others): not super hot temp wise but very little rain - a bit like before the Black Saturday fires in Feb.2009, and quite humid which is unusual for Melbourne. My lungs are shot (emphysema, from years of smoking), which makes it harder. When you drink, did you know that even your lungs are badly affected as well? I can tell you: yes they are.

I have no idea how I will get my act together, in terms of the small but important practical details, to actually GET TO the detox / rehab place. It's possible I might be picked up by an AA mate at about 2 pm tomorrow, Sunday; but I doubt I'll be packed, the house ready to leave, etc. Still, I still have the Tuesday opening.

Please God/desses, may I make it. I spend too much time angsting, drunk or sober, about the Meaning of My Life (aka 'what's the point'). But, this evening: with the breezes, the kookaburras, the cooler darkness after a summer's day, my dog stretched out near me..... I can breathe, I can walk (just), I have books, I have a good house to live in, I have people I can call or talk to online. I am simply alive.

It's a bit like 'do not go gently into that good night / rage, rage against the dying of the light' thing that Dylan Thomas wrote for his father (I think). I have no energy to rage right now, but you get the general idea.

Kahlia25

bemyself-
the only thing you need to worry about right now is staying sober, you can do it. I think it is cool you are writing from Australia...as you said...global. Everyone is pulling for you. I used to be on here all the time and then took a brake , not to use, due to a family tradgedy and am now back...still 12 years clean....I am praying for you. If you need to talk, get in touch with me, as well........Blessings

Kahlia

FeelingGreat

Hi Bemyself two point to make.
1. All the best with your detox. You really sound like you mean business this time.
2. Kookaburras are evil. Twice I have been about to lift a piece of food to my mouth, only to have it disappear in a blur of feathers. I hate those watching eyes in the trees when I'm on a picnic!

Grymt

Kookaburras evil? rofl. Thank you. I needed that.

Sorry, yes a serious matter... er... have fun at the detox/rehab. I hope you get to choose a good one.

bemyself

Evil kookaburras! lol.....though I must admit, their cackling sure sounds deranged at times :-)

Thanks to all who replied too, and for your prayers / good wishes.

Grymt the rehab's one I went to for a full month Jan 2012. It is a good one, on most scores (not that I'm an experienced comparative consumer of such places!). We stay in the hospital overnights and mornings, then pile into the mini bus to repair off to 'the farm' for the day's main group sessions etc. The farm is literally an old farm, a nice old English style house set in pretty gorgeous gardens - I've quite a few cuttings in my own garden from there. From memory, we're taken on a couple of outings each week - e.g. to nearby beaches, once to a fabulous sculpture park, stuff like that. The programme is a mix of CBT style group sessions, sternly informative dvds and such about what alcohol does to the body, group sharing on a particular topic (e.g. anger, anxiety, looking to the future, that kind of thing). We also go to two different AA meetings (mandatory) in the area per week. Alas, though - it's private (i.e. bloody expensive!), so I had to swallow my opposition to private health insurance (politically) and fork out for cover. Huh!

MrDavid

Good luck, My friend...

MrDavid

Amen Kahlia. There’s no better place than home, as they say, and if a rehab is where that journey begins, bemyself, then so be it. I hope it has a brighter ending just for you.

I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I know where you’ve been: It was place I called 'the wilderness of despair'. I felt so alone in my struggles, but never alone in my grief: I had to struggle through the pain before I grasped the reins of freedom; and not a minute to spare either. It became the bedrock upon which permanent sobriety was built.

Here’s the thing, though: I had to come to a place of complete surrender before I got my first real taste of sobriety -same as most people, but I didn’t have to go it alone. There were others who are willing to make the journey more pleasurable. What began initially as a burden tuned out to be a blessing and one I wouldn’t have changed even if I could: It became the springboard to something very, very special.

If it were up to me, I would forgo the logistics for now –all the unknowns I mean- and focus instead on the solution, like Kahlia said: That’s how the miracle unfolds by the way. So from here on in…make that change: Take a vow to remain sober at any cost. That’s how the miracle began for me. I would analogize it this way: The clock is ticking; the anticipation mounting, and the realization almost certain, but it’s always a great day to be sober even in the midst of so much adversity. How your life unfolds from there is totally up to you.

This is the beginning of a very long journey, my friend; a journey whose end is still uncertain. So be on the lookout for something better and make that change now before it’s too late: its how fate gives way to freedom. I hope next Tuesday is the moment you’ve been waiting for; I hope you turn the tide into something better; I hope your journey is as fruitful as it is enlightening: I can only hope.

~God be with you~

bemyself

Well, thank you mysterious MrD for your eloquent good wishes.

Now, it's about 10 a.m. Sunday....and I'm bringing it forward: going in to detox / rehab later this arvo. Fortunately they have a bed available. The 'logistics' as you mention MrD are often hard to cope with, all on one's own, both for getting in to a facility / waiting for f2f help AND re organising one's little household prior to leaving.

No, they're not insurmountable, but by gee, they can very much feel that way!!!!

I've done this before, twice - going into a detox / rehab place; both those times, I lived a great deal further from said facility. Like, approx 175 kms from Melbourne, out in the country. This time, really, from home to detox is only about 20 mins drive. My AA mate and his wife will come to pick me up (this was our Plan B, arranged a coupla days ago) at 2 pm. They'll take me and my dog to her boarding kennels (I have some minor anxiety about that, as I'm new to this whole area, and she's a rescue dog).

Once having deposited her at kennels, I think my friends will deposit me, with my little suitcase, at 'the farm' - literally only a few properties up the road from the kennels or straight back to the hospital itself nearby. There, I'll have to wait to be admitted formally at 5 pm ON THE DOT.

God knows what state I'll be in by that period of today. All I can say is: I'm more or less packed, potentially smelly fridge / food things are in the rubbish. Most of my small back courtyard garden will probably die, due to lack of forecast rain. My fussy neighbour in the front unit to mine will water plants at the front, but it's too fiddly to show her how to get out the back (trust me, she's my Greek widow, who's a lovely AND infuriatingly neurotic woman :-))

Actually, in reality, I know I'm quite scared, less about my time in the detox place, more about getting home again to resume the recovery journey of being totally sober, day by day by day ..... A lot of mine is boredom, excruciating boredom; ongoing depression (for many years regardless of drinking or not); a failure of will to power / live many times each day. Yet, I still somehow, miraculously, wake up each day. Still alive.

That's going a bit too far into the future, is it not? I fear so. So I'll just for now, revert to putting one foot in front of the other, mildly drunk as I am right now (I wouldn't be going to detox if I wasn't, duh!).....

There is still hope. I guess. I'm not on the streets, suffering. I'm not in a jail, suffering. I'm not living in some dingy caravan or walk-up, suffering.

There is still hope!

Dee74

best wishes Vic

D

bemyself

And I would like to say: I'm sorry for sounding so selfish right now. I can't get around some of the boards, to offer some assistance or comment....I just have to step, step, step forward today.

Once I'm back 'out', back home in particular, I can and will resume 'normal communications' :-)

Thinking of my SR mates!

(Keep having visions of MTN falling in the mud in a freezing UK winter....oh, what a mother will do for her son / daughter! :-))