I'm drinking again
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Sorry the road has been rough for you Fenway but I'm glad to hear you are a least trying to make some conditions to your drinking. It is certainly better than nothing.
One thing I found that has helped me was having accountability by visiting a counselor one on one. For me at least, groups leave me feeling indifferent to committal because many times I feel like I have no one in particular to feel guilty in front of. But a professional watching over me somehow makes me feel like I would be ashamed to fail.
I'm glad you are still checking in here and thinking about sobriety as an option. If not right now, at least you are keeping the door open.
One thing I found that has helped me was having accountability by visiting a counselor one on one. For me at least, groups leave me feeling indifferent to committal because many times I feel like I have no one in particular to feel guilty in front of. But a professional watching over me somehow makes me feel like I would be ashamed to fail.
I'm glad you are still checking in here and thinking about sobriety as an option. If not right now, at least you are keeping the door open.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Hi, Fenway, I am really glad that you posted. I have also been struggling with getting sober (usually for a few days to a couple of weeks) then going back to the bottle.
Just know that we aren't alone. The important thing is that you are picking yourself back up. Try to learn something from this experience. If you are continually learning, the efforts are not a waste. We hear so often about people who never drank again after their first AA meeting. Those are the exceptions, not the rule!
Just know that we aren't alone. The important thing is that you are picking yourself back up. Try to learn something from this experience. If you are continually learning, the efforts are not a waste. We hear so often about people who never drank again after their first AA meeting. Those are the exceptions, not the rule!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 122
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today! 
I need you to quit drinking for my own sobriety, the world needs a fairy tale girl. Lord knows there are enough train wrecks already.
Much Hope sent your way.
I need you to quit drinking for my own sobriety, the world needs a fairy tale girl. Lord knows there are enough train wrecks already.
Much Hope sent your way.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
I know one thing - when I have my viewmaster set on "can't", I don't.
When I was in my teens, I hung out with a lot of other partiers and lived for the party, and this carried into my early 20's. My childhood friends got married and moved on, I looked to the bars to be social and have fun and meet new people. It lasted a while, then those friends moved on. So I moved on to other types of barflies that I probably never would have hung out with in my earlier days, who partied as hard as I did, and the "fun" just kept spinning, until I eventually alienated them, as well as my family and all the people I grew up with and loved. I possessed an alcohol-soaked sponge for a brain, and could see nothing positively, and who the hell wants to hang out with someone like that than others in the same boat. I was no longer "fun".
I mistakenly believed that the only place that I fit into was in the drinking culture, and that the only way to have fun was through booze.
It kept me drunk for years, until it blew up in my face. My "social lubricant" made me alone, and lonely.
My recommendation; change the slide in your viewmaster, and suspend all disbelief that a meaningful, happy life can be achieved without booze.
I do not believe in "bottoms"; there is always a new bottom, and the ultimate bottom is dead. So much better to look up instead of looking down and wondering where we'll crash to finally make the decision to quit, or whether we'll ever decide to quit at all.
With so many recovery options available today, and internet forums like this, there is a wealth of material and support to use to change your life, but it starts with a commitment. That is the key to a better life without alcohol.
When I was in my teens, I hung out with a lot of other partiers and lived for the party, and this carried into my early 20's. My childhood friends got married and moved on, I looked to the bars to be social and have fun and meet new people. It lasted a while, then those friends moved on. So I moved on to other types of barflies that I probably never would have hung out with in my earlier days, who partied as hard as I did, and the "fun" just kept spinning, until I eventually alienated them, as well as my family and all the people I grew up with and loved. I possessed an alcohol-soaked sponge for a brain, and could see nothing positively, and who the hell wants to hang out with someone like that than others in the same boat. I was no longer "fun".
I mistakenly believed that the only place that I fit into was in the drinking culture, and that the only way to have fun was through booze.
It kept me drunk for years, until it blew up in my face. My "social lubricant" made me alone, and lonely.
My recommendation; change the slide in your viewmaster, and suspend all disbelief that a meaningful, happy life can be achieved without booze.
I do not believe in "bottoms"; there is always a new bottom, and the ultimate bottom is dead. So much better to look up instead of looking down and wondering where we'll crash to finally make the decision to quit, or whether we'll ever decide to quit at all.
With so many recovery options available today, and internet forums like this, there is a wealth of material and support to use to change your life, but it starts with a commitment. That is the key to a better life without alcohol.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
*I haven't read replies pre this post but I will after*
Somehow last nights “Not drinking” turned into walking in 2.5 feet of snow to the packie over a mile from my house because the one that 1/4th a mile away knows me so well it’s embarrassing to walk in on a Monday
I mean I woke up at 6 AM just like I needed to with no hang over. Haven’t been getting them lately, but my god WTF is wrong with me?
I say I’m not an alcoholic and part of me really and truly believes that and yet here I am?
I was upset last night , over nothing really, (a guy per usual) so I decided to drink. It’s so stupid. There are so many more constructive ways to deal with being upset, I just don’t really know how ( or don’t want to know how) so I drink
I can’t stop or I won’t stop…I honestly don’t have the money for this. I really and truly don’t. It’s going to come down to going hungry or drinking.
I’m honestly kind of concerned as to which I’ll choose.
Everything is such a mess and yet at the same time it isn’t and that allows me to “justify” things. I don’t feel addicted and yet last night after saying I wouldn’t drink, I did, like I have countless times before. But I know myself well enough to know I’m not in a head space where quitting is possible.
I just kind of feel stuck. I know I just need to make the choice where enough is enough and I say I’m done but I don’t know why I can’t get there.
I don’t know what I expect any of you to say to this, I just had to say it. I’m too embarrassed to go to any kind of meeting especially when I’m still drinking.
Somehow last nights “Not drinking” turned into walking in 2.5 feet of snow to the packie over a mile from my house because the one that 1/4th a mile away knows me so well it’s embarrassing to walk in on a Monday
I mean I woke up at 6 AM just like I needed to with no hang over. Haven’t been getting them lately, but my god WTF is wrong with me?
I say I’m not an alcoholic and part of me really and truly believes that and yet here I am?
I was upset last night , over nothing really, (a guy per usual) so I decided to drink. It’s so stupid. There are so many more constructive ways to deal with being upset, I just don’t really know how ( or don’t want to know how) so I drink
I can’t stop or I won’t stop…I honestly don’t have the money for this. I really and truly don’t. It’s going to come down to going hungry or drinking.
I’m honestly kind of concerned as to which I’ll choose.
Everything is such a mess and yet at the same time it isn’t and that allows me to “justify” things. I don’t feel addicted and yet last night after saying I wouldn’t drink, I did, like I have countless times before. But I know myself well enough to know I’m not in a head space where quitting is possible.
I just kind of feel stuck. I know I just need to make the choice where enough is enough and I say I’m done but I don’t know why I can’t get there.
I don’t know what I expect any of you to say to this, I just had to say it. I’m too embarrassed to go to any kind of meeting especially when I’m still drinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Print out your posts. Look in the mirror or take a pic. Keep binge drinking and see where it takes you in a few years. It will rob you.
You would benefit from some real ftf professional counseling to help you find maturity and balance to live a productive normal adult life,i hope you move forward. I don't think you know how bad it can be if you continue to torment yourself. You gotta help yourself and want to be happy, licking the inside of a vodka bottle won't do it. Keep posting, don't give up.
You would benefit from some real ftf professional counseling to help you find maturity and balance to live a productive normal adult life,i hope you move forward. I don't think you know how bad it can be if you continue to torment yourself. You gotta help yourself and want to be happy, licking the inside of a vodka bottle won't do it. Keep posting, don't give up.
Trudger of Happy Destiny
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
Hey Fenway. Great posts and great thread. Thank you for posting this. It really helps me to read this.
It seems to me you are at a crossroad. You, like I did, want the best of both worlds. The ease and comfort that comes with drinking to remove the anxiety and discomfort, but not the shame, guilt, remorse, and depression that inevitably comes. I'll just simply say I spent many years on that hamster wheel. For me, it doesn't exist and isn't a possibility, as much as I really really wanted it to be.
I'll just ask, what do you want out of life? What do you think will make you happy? Then go for it.
It seems to me you are at a crossroad. You, like I did, want the best of both worlds. The ease and comfort that comes with drinking to remove the anxiety and discomfort, but not the shame, guilt, remorse, and depression that inevitably comes. I'll just simply say I spent many years on that hamster wheel. For me, it doesn't exist and isn't a possibility, as much as I really really wanted it to be.
I'll just ask, what do you want out of life? What do you think will make you happy? Then go for it.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
"I was upset last night , over nothing really, (a guy per usual) so I decided to drink. It’s so stupid. There are so many more constructive ways to deal with being upset, I just don’t really know how ( or don’t want to know how) so I drink
I can’t stop or I won’t stop."
There's something in there that seems to hold an answer and together with the signature perhaps it's not so hard to find. You know what I mean?
Is something really nothing?
I can’t stop or I won’t stop."
There's something in there that seems to hold an answer and together with the signature perhaps it's not so hard to find. You know what I mean?
Is something really nothing?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
I’m not an alcoholic but I’m drinking at 11:30 in the morning.
Done with class for the day TONS of work to do but I’m the middle of a romantic dilemma with someone who is AS USUAL bad for me (but not EXABF who I don’t speak to anymore at least that’s ONE good thing) anyway it seems my drinking and codependency got hand in hand. It’s no secret.
Anyway I mean I took a shot or so I drink straight from the bottle so it’s hard to tell. Right because everyone drinks alcohol straight from the bottle at 11:30 in the morning, totally normal justifiable non alcoholic behavior!!
I mean I don’t get it. Normally I am SO good at being objective and seeing things for what they are even in my own feelings, I can step outside of myself. But for this I just can’t. Every single logical reason I can see that points to be being an alcoholic, something inside me denies is so fruitfully that it makes it nearly impossible to actually accept that.
A couple of you mentioned seeing a therapist and I’m sure you’re right in your assumption that it would be helpful. I was seeing one before and was even accepted into a dual diagnosis program but then I go Mono and had to withdraw (I was in the hospital and bed ridden for weeks, I could barely stand up) in fact I think part of the reason I even stayed sober before had a lot to do with Mono because I medically COULDN’T drink, sort of like being pregnant, you might be sober 9 months but it probably gets a lot harder after that with a higher chance of relapse.
I’ve heard of AV before I should really open my Big Book which I haven’t looked at since I decided F*** recovery and not much before that BC with all the reading for school the last thing I want to do in downtime is read but I’m sure it would help at lot.
I’m glad to know there are others similar to mine other people who have been where I am and I know from my many years here that you guys are always right in what you say that it always ends the same, it looks differnet on anyone but months or years later I’ve always found myself wishing I had listened to your advice once everything blows up on my face (this refers a lot to EX ABF but my own addiction will end the same way)
Wellwisher- Your post is extremely insightful youre so right. It’s a story I’ve heard in AA many times as well, people that didn’t hit their bottom, but people who were only living at the most half a life…
Lent starts tomorrow I’m giving up alcohol for that or I’m going to try. I’m not in the right head space but I’ll just take it one day at a time.
I don’t know what I want out of life…to find happiness…but I’m immature and so many other things (I believe it’s 4th step when you really get to figure out all your character flaws) that I have a lot of work to do before I can get there.
But I can’t have it both ways. I want so badly to be able to drink and have the life I want but I can’t. Cos as much as I deny it, it is holding my back. Maybe even more then I realize maybe my drinking is a bigger part of the reason why things in my life are messed up, and its less about othe things then I think.
PS- It means so much to me how much people care about me I'm such a mess and really don't deserve it, I mean how many times have I been here over the years? It just means a lot that you're still willing to take the time to reply and read my posts even tho I'm sure its frustrating as hell to watch me do this over and over again especially when you're on the other side
Done with class for the day TONS of work to do but I’m the middle of a romantic dilemma with someone who is AS USUAL bad for me (but not EXABF who I don’t speak to anymore at least that’s ONE good thing) anyway it seems my drinking and codependency got hand in hand. It’s no secret.
Anyway I mean I took a shot or so I drink straight from the bottle so it’s hard to tell. Right because everyone drinks alcohol straight from the bottle at 11:30 in the morning, totally normal justifiable non alcoholic behavior!!
I mean I don’t get it. Normally I am SO good at being objective and seeing things for what they are even in my own feelings, I can step outside of myself. But for this I just can’t. Every single logical reason I can see that points to be being an alcoholic, something inside me denies is so fruitfully that it makes it nearly impossible to actually accept that.
A couple of you mentioned seeing a therapist and I’m sure you’re right in your assumption that it would be helpful. I was seeing one before and was even accepted into a dual diagnosis program but then I go Mono and had to withdraw (I was in the hospital and bed ridden for weeks, I could barely stand up) in fact I think part of the reason I even stayed sober before had a lot to do with Mono because I medically COULDN’T drink, sort of like being pregnant, you might be sober 9 months but it probably gets a lot harder after that with a higher chance of relapse.
I’ve heard of AV before I should really open my Big Book which I haven’t looked at since I decided F*** recovery and not much before that BC with all the reading for school the last thing I want to do in downtime is read but I’m sure it would help at lot.
I’m glad to know there are others similar to mine other people who have been where I am and I know from my many years here that you guys are always right in what you say that it always ends the same, it looks differnet on anyone but months or years later I’ve always found myself wishing I had listened to your advice once everything blows up on my face (this refers a lot to EX ABF but my own addiction will end the same way)
Wellwisher- Your post is extremely insightful youre so right. It’s a story I’ve heard in AA many times as well, people that didn’t hit their bottom, but people who were only living at the most half a life…
Lent starts tomorrow I’m giving up alcohol for that or I’m going to try. I’m not in the right head space but I’ll just take it one day at a time.
I don’t know what I want out of life…to find happiness…but I’m immature and so many other things (I believe it’s 4th step when you really get to figure out all your character flaws) that I have a lot of work to do before I can get there.
But I can’t have it both ways. I want so badly to be able to drink and have the life I want but I can’t. Cos as much as I deny it, it is holding my back. Maybe even more then I realize maybe my drinking is a bigger part of the reason why things in my life are messed up, and its less about othe things then I think.
PS- It means so much to me how much people care about me I'm such a mess and really don't deserve it, I mean how many times have I been here over the years? It just means a lot that you're still willing to take the time to reply and read my posts even tho I'm sure its frustrating as hell to watch me do this over and over again especially when you're on the other side
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I would consider trying to post and get through to you, paying it forward....it is not a waste of time if we can help you see what is going to happen and somehow you decide to seek help. No one can predict the future, but I would bet $$ that if you keep drinking your problems will progress, you will lose your inner and outer beauty, health and age faster than you can imagine. your choices are booze or having a life, education, job and a fulfilling life. You are worth more than you think, but your excuses are numerous too.
only you have the power to make good choices with your relationships, getting off on bad relationships gets old real fast.
only you have the power to make good choices with your relationships, getting off on bad relationships gets old real fast.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 494
FF. hi. I am a 31/f who also grew up in the Boston area, went to UMass Amherst and eventually moved to Arizona. My first thought when moving out here was "whoa people don't drink here like they do back home". The level of drinking that goes on in Mass is not normal so comparing yourself to that drinking culture will not be helpful. I've noticed people in these forums don't like to push labels on each other but I am going to tell you that in my opinion you are most definitely an alcoholic. You black out, think compulsively about drinking, have tried to stop but can't, and use skewed logic to try and protect your drinking habits so you won't have to face the painful road of recovery that you know that you need or else you wouldn't be here. You are me 8 years ago. You asked for a reality check and here it is: there is no way you will ever be able to control your drinking for extended periods of time. Even when I thought "I got this" and was able to control my drinking next thing I know I'm in a hospital bed in a bridesmaid dress because I fell down a flight of stairs in the middle of a wedding. Ill be here for you if you need me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Why is it important to you if you are an alcoholic or not?
Frankly, I dont care if theres a label to slap on me or not.
Alcohol wreaks havoc in my life, so I don't put it in my body. End of story.
Frankly, I dont care if theres a label to slap on me or not.
Alcohol wreaks havoc in my life, so I don't put it in my body. End of story.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 494
I know you weren't asking me but... the label was my last step in surrender. Defining the problem helped me to accept it as part of myself. Until I made that jump from "I'm a party girl who drinks too much" to "I'm an alcoholic who is powerless to this disease" I was excusing my behavior away.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I've been reading your posts for a while.I'm very new to this too so probably can't say anything of value but I'm so very very worried for you. I'm female too and have on occasion blacked out when out and put myself in very dangerous situations. Please think of your personal safety. Blacking out being normal to you is so scary-anything could happen to you.It really isn't normal and you are putting yourself at so much risk. Please please please get help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Well more drinking is happening
I fell for this guy. He liked me and stuff but I'm so distant and f'd up he pulled back a little and now really likes someone else.
It really hurts. I can't handle it. It's so stupid how upset I get over men. It's actually rare for me to like someone but when I do the pain they can cause is ridiculous
I realize it's counter productive and not solving anything but sometimes I'm just trying to numb stuff =/ then again I also use drinking as an excuse for being shy when talking to guys I like so.. either way I'm drinking
I fell for this guy. He liked me and stuff but I'm so distant and f'd up he pulled back a little and now really likes someone else.
It really hurts. I can't handle it. It's so stupid how upset I get over men. It's actually rare for me to like someone but when I do the pain they can cause is ridiculous
I realize it's counter productive and not solving anything but sometimes I'm just trying to numb stuff =/ then again I also use drinking as an excuse for being shy when talking to guys I like so.. either way I'm drinking
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 494
FF I was the same way with men, like desperate to have them love me- I was very shy most of my life and while everyone plans to go do stuff on the weekends my phone never rang and I felt left out and unwanted, so when I started drinking and acting promiscuously during college for me it was like "somebody please love me, want me" I'm sure this also ties in with my dad who was/is always too drunk to ever be bothered to get to know me. I am worried about you and hope something, anything here on SR will be able to help you. Love and hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by melissa6381 
FF I was the same way with men, like desperate to have them love me- I was very shy most of my life and while everyone plans to go do stuff on the weekends my phone never rang and I felt left out and unwanted, so when I started drinking and acting promiscuously during college for me it was like "somebody please love me, want me" I'm sure this also ties in with my dad who was/is always too drunk to ever be bothered to get to know me. I am worried about you and hope something, anything here on SR will be able to help you. Love and hugs.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I could have written your last post as made many bad decisions over bad men over the years. Drinking always made relationships worse. I always knew it but pretended it didn't matter. Only now I've got sober do I realize just how needy, scary, dangerous, emotionally unaware and weak I was. Plus I didn't like myself very much,never mind love myself or felt worthy of a decent guy. To be young again and re-write the script
Maybe forget about guys for a while and concentrate on working on yourself, put your recovery first, learn to love and value yourself. In time,if you do that, you'll find a decent guy then. You are young and can do this.Don't waste your life drunk and going from one destructive relationship to another. As Fandy says you 'll wake up one day,your looks and life will be ruined and you'll not have that many options left. You can stop that happening and I think you want to otherwise you wouldn't be here
Maybe forget about guys for a while and concentrate on working on yourself, put your recovery first, learn to love and value yourself. In time,if you do that, you'll find a decent guy then. You are young and can do this.Don't waste your life drunk and going from one destructive relationship to another. As Fandy says you 'll wake up one day,your looks and life will be ruined and you'll not have that many options left. You can stop that happening and I think you want to otherwise you wouldn't be here
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