Username1

no matter if i stop drinking tomorrow or next week. I am in love with alcohol and thats what scares me the most. Being without it, its the love of my life, it seems weird to say that, since people are suposed to love people but I love booze, and it scares me to be alone without it. boom ***** boom. ineed help tho everyone around me gives me so many chances, chance after chance. I think about killing myself every day but then months pass and im still here posting from time to time about how maybe i'll quit or whatever.

Dee74

I think we were all in love with alcohol username - I think it's a lot like a relationship...but a bad abusive one.

To do the best by ourselves, we need to move on to something better.

It's scary for sure, but look around - thousands of people have done it - you can too.

I'm not sure how serious your thoughts of self harm are but there's a lot of reading and crisis line numbers in this link - maybe bookmark it, even if you don't think you need it now.

www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/139719-if-you-feeling-suicidal-please-read.html

There is life and happiness and joy after recovery username - I really hope you'll trust me on that and I hope you'll decide to go for it.

You're not alone

D

paul99

You're in love with the idea of what alcohol takes away from you - pain, hurt, namely yourself. That is the true intoxication. I drank to get away from myself. Vodka is an clear liquid that comes in a bottle. I like what it did to me when I put it in my body. For a time. Then the insanity, the physical deterioration, the emotional numbness, the criminal and should-be-criminal acts, the utter desperation and heartbreak and demoralization that came with putting that clear liquid into my body.

You're scared to be alone without it because then you're stuck with...you.

I know exactly how you feel. I was there a million times. I had my suicide planned out. I couldn't live with or without the drink.

The good news is that it doesn't have to be like this any more. A program of recovery is something that I needed. For me, it was AA. But first I had to detox in a hospital, then straight to treatment. I haven't had a drink since. And I no longer fall in love with clear liquids. I have a life that is better than I ever thought I could have thought.

And it can be the same for you. Look around here - beautiful people with beautiful lives. You are worthy too.

Happier

Your struggle and pain come through in your post. I am sorry. Things can get better though. In my case, I was shocked at how my ideas and feelings changed after the fog of active addiction was lifted. This took a while but it was real and significant. I know you believe that you will always love alcohol now. However, please believe me when I say that it is quite possible that this may not be the case in a couple of sober months.

RobbyRobot

Yeah, hate-to-love-it and love-to-hate-it was the final outcome for me with enough sober time away from alcohol and the life.

I feel for you, Username. I want to tell you thanks for posting, and since you're not dead, you've made the right choice yet again to stay in the game and maybe quit or whatever. Quitting does work. Seriously.

tehmazzyland

All these replies have been awesome. The love with alcohol will definitely subside over time.

You can quit this relationship with drink. It will be worth it. You will never regret it.

All the best.

DarkDays

Give yourself enough time away from alcoHELL , enough time to get to a place where your thoughts about this drug will change. Mine certainly have. Good luck

llastchance8

Username1,, yes as other SR friends have pointed out, we all love what Alcohol makes us feel.. It numbs us from pain, gives confidence and changes our perception of reality.. People like us , who relapsed in the past after even few weeks, felt like this.. My most favorite and most delicious wine , tasted like a nail polish remover ! Could not believe, how could I put such thing in my mouth, forget about drinking 2 full bottles of them .. It is not the Alcohol , we love... It is the most easy escape from reality.. It satisfies the need of hour by producing magic from Chemical reactions in our brain..The only way out is to start loving anything or any activity, which can give us similar feelings.. It takes time to be able to relish the feelings caused by natural ways because our brains are too much used to easy escapes provided by Alcohol.. Let us pray that all of us can get same high , by natural ways. Some day, some moment, it will happen .. And when that happens, it will be worth beyond billions ..All the best.

AngelBabe

How true LLC8,

What I used to derive such pleasure from when drinking turned to poison for me. When I relapsed within two weeks I would be sick as all heck again. What had once been my best friend had become my sworn enemy. What had I done that was so bad that my best friend alcohol had turned against me? It was the ultimate sign that our relationship was one sided and had to end. It was time for me to find a new friend sobriety. Sobriety showed me reality and how to embrace the good and not so good of life. To take each day as it comes and most importantly to be my own best friend first.

brazzaville

I used to think I loved drinking. After a few weeks without it, I'm inclined to regard it more as a simple chemical addiction that was making me feel ill, rather than as the love of my life...

It was actually suppressing my enjoyment of all the other things in my life I love..

BackToSquareOne

That's how it lures you into it's web, I mean what's not to love at first glance. Release and relief from inhibitions, that warm glo, the feeling that all things are possible, it seems like the greatest thing since sliced bread.

What hapens tho as soon as it wears off? Your brain chemistry tries to normalize, the problem is that it's a slow process. The warm glo is replaced with a state of hypervigilance, anxiety and depression, racing thoughts and the whole 9 yards now take full control. What are you to do? Why more alcohol of course to try to recapture those original short lived feelings. You're now caught in it's web and the only way to break free is to just knock it off for good. You buy the ticket, you take the ride.

letscallitaday

Don't give up you can beat this , I too have struggled with negative thoughts. And like the dependency in alcohol I don't think these thoughts will ever go away. But I feel they can and will become less I tense and you can learn to control them.
There is life without alcohol and a good one as well, many things you can do that you never thought possible before. Many other legal highs to achieve.
Never going to be easy but you can definitely overcome it, alcohol with me makes the negative thoughts even more intense , I used to look to alcohol to numb these thoughts and thought it was a release from everyday **** , but looking back 99% of trouble I ever got myself into was whilst drunk.
It's a nasty powerful drug that brings the worst out in some people , although hard we are better without it. Chin up and battle on it will get better. (I'm saying this trying to convince myself too lol )

caboblanco

I won't always love alcohol or hate it. it's an object. I'm the one who abused it.

lillyknitting

I can honestly say that I now HATE alcohol for the pain and suffering it has caused me. The utter chaos in my life, the breakdown of relationships, harm done to others, the list is endless. Don't kid yourself, it wants to get us, make us suffer then ultimately kill us. It's a fallacy and massive part of addiction that wants us to think we like it and miss it.

aasharon90

Isn't there a saying that goes, if it doesn't
kill you first will make you stronger? In todays
age there is so much out there in the world
that can kill us, like guns, drugs, and yes,
alcohol which almost took my life 22 yrs ago.

Family intervention, rehab, knowledge of my
addiction, a program of recovery, action has
kept me sober for a many one days at a time
since August 11, 1990.

Yep, I loved alcohol just as much as the next
alcoholic back in the day, but ever since I
learned and lived a life with a recovery
program incorperated in my everyday life,
I can honestly say, I love recovery more
so than alcohol today.

What's so awesome about recovery is, is the
rewards promised to us as written in the Big
Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Those promises
will and do come true for each of us just by
staying sober each day, encorperating the tools
and knowledge of a recovery program in our
everyday life and passing on your own ESH-
experiences, strengths and hopes of what life
has been like before, during and after you own
alcohol career.

Life before with alcohol i thought was fun,
however, today without alcohol is 10 times
and more, 10 times better than alcohol could
ever be.

And that's no lie.

doggonecarl

I didn't wait until I hated alcohol before I quit. That day may have never come.

I quit when I realized I needed it. That's not love.

TrixMixer

Hey Wilma Girl--seeing you never gets old--She makes me smile!

Wilma Girl Fan , Here!!!!!!

TRIX

TrixMixer

Hi Username1,

Pretty powerful post!!! Truth is I know exactly how you feel, in fact I still love alcohol, but have been sober for 25 years. How does that Happen??? Don't know exactly, but no one could ever give me a good enough reason NOT to love it.

It is what it is, can't help who you fall in love with, and nothing or no one's experience with alcohol is going to convince you otherwise. IMOO!

.........but SOMETHING will change in you, and You have to find your own reason to walk away from the love of your life.

Believe me My entire world revolved around "alcohol" it was a part of every thing in my life in the excessive 80's, (thank God I never fell in love with Coke)
Worst of all I was still having a Hell of a good time with it---Go Figure!!!

.....but something inside of me made me give it up because I realized I loved someone more---for me it was a person, and my behavior and the future alcohol promised me would of destroyed them and killed me. I chose Life for myself,and a better love.

You WILL find your own reason, and will pass it on to others. Each of us has our own road to travel. Please give you and those that love you a chance to figure out just what it will take for you to walk away from this undeserving "lover".

We are here for you, talk to us as well as perhaps an addiction counselor. No one will judge you, we are YOU!

Hoping you will find Your way!
Trix

MIRecovery

Unfortunately my lover wanted me dead and almost succeeded. It was not until I had broken free that I realized what a horrible relationship we really had.

paul99

<Insert "my first marriage" joke here>