baxibermuda

thank you tomsteve this is a message for me i have been sick numerous times today, i have stomach cramps and chest pains i hve been in and out of bed all day i think everybody hates me i got brought home by a 14 year i am covered in bruises i had blackout at a concert with 50000 people around me i left my wife in a pub in another blackout i have lost one of my front teeth i had to fake sunstroke to cover up my hangover since going back on the drink i have had to take days off work please god let me read this post if i think i can drink safely

doggonecarl

That we drink despite the horrors it brings us to, over and over, is the utter insanity of alcoholism. Probably the definition of alcoholism. So if drinking for us is insanity, you must treat any thoughts of drinking just as you would treat the ranting of a mad man.

You would ignore them.

Same thing with the voice of addiction in your head. Ignore it.

Make the decision to never drink again, and never waver from that decision. Then put a recovery plan in place to ensure you don't waver. Do whatever it takes to stay sober because your alcoholism will do whatever it takes to ensure you drink.

tomsteve

none of this is unique and many of us have done similar things.
yup, it builds up a lot of remorse and guilt. that's what alcohol does to an alcoholic.
but there is a solution!

im glad to see the lil prayer to God at the end. tells me ya already believe in a power greater than you that can help solve yer problems.

PLEASE get to a meeting!!

baxibermuda

I have remained sober since last post. I continue to attend aa meetings and life is easier to live. looking for a sponsor to go through the programme. I have finally accepted that I am alcoholic and powerless over alcohol. I feel more at ease with myself and am really looking forward to the festive period.

Thanks

KateL

I had so many morning drinks and hairs of the dog, I've lost count. Glad you are back in the land of the living, just try again, it's worth it and you will feel better, The guilt and embarrassment does fade.

Dee74

thats great baxibermuda - congratulations!

D

awuh1

Good job baxi.

baxibermuda

I have remained sober since my last post 10 months in total. I am going on holiday next week and have fears and anxiety around this.can any one identify and how did you cope with your first holiday.

Thanks

ScottFromWI

Congrats on your 10 months! What kind of fears are you having - of not being able to stay sober? Or something about the trip itself?

doggonecarl

Filled it with sober, recovery-supporting activities.

I also knew drinking wasn't an option.

leviathan

my opinion, is that you dont have to get hung up on the "alcoholic" definition.

others have this opinion too. we have come to think that you dont necessarily have to be on your knees, in submission, as a defeated drunk.

alcohol is causing problems, right? enough to entertain cessation?

am i a hopeless alcoholic that can never drink again? i dont know either. i do know that it caused enough damage to not be worth it anymore, and if i do drink again, it will most likely be to excess. -so, i choose to quit!

and its working! -best decision ive ever made.

belle08

I just wanted to say I can relate to what you wrote. I too am a weekend binge drinker and on the outside - successful. It's hard because the voice says - you are not an alcoholic, you have so much "success" and like you - there are times when I can have a a beer or two. But I have realized that beer or two here and there - always, always at some point leads to a binge. It is sneaky and it gives a false sense of security that This time- it will be different. And what is scary is that we never know how the day - evening with that one drink will turn out.. Best of luck to you

Dee74

Hi again baxibermuda
Congrats on your sober time

what do you usually do for fun now you're sober?

D

baxibermuda

Hi Just to let everyone know I went on holiday and remained sober , even attended aa meeting in Turkey.

Holiday was very good and relaxing. At times i felt as if i was missing out but the freshness of the mornings was great as was the freedom to do as i wished.

I seen my self in other people at times and this was an eye opener.

A day at a time i will be 1 year sober on 13th August.The constant argument whilst not fulling going awayis not as strong as before.

Still not fully settled in AA meetings , feel an outsider at times but will continue onwards.

Thanks

Gottalife

Nice to hear from you Baxi and I'm glad you are doing well.

Did you manage to find someone to take you through the steps? I found the meetings alone weren't enough to keep me sober. i needed to take the steps to recover, then help others to stay recovered.

What's your experience?

baxibermuda

thanks Gottalife no i have not went through the steps. i AM HAVING TROUBLE ACCepting wether or not i am alcoholic and wether or not i want to remain sober. would love to have acceptance but i dont at present

I am addicted to gambling and attend ga and have total acceptance there so i know the difference acceptance brings

I all honestly i dont know if i am alcoholic and if not why stay sober.

Sorry but i have to be honest

Gottalife

Hi Baxi,
One of the things I have found is that substances can trigger different addictions.

Alcohol is my drug of no choice. After a few months dry, some well meaning friends thought some weed would be alright for me. I had a puff, and a drink was down my neck in seconds. That lead to a 8 month bender.

I guess it's possible that alcohol could trigger gambling, so there might be a good reason for staying sober just in that thought.

But staying sober, just because we think we have a gun to our head, can be a pretty miserable affair. People that want to drink but can't can be very unhappy chappies.

I understand your uncertainty about being an alcoholic. That lack of acceptance is the reason you have not taken the steps, you don't think you need to. Fair enough.
But if you are an alcholic of my type, even if you can sustain sobriety, it will be a second rate affair.

One suggestion I have, that I got from Dr Bob, is to read the Big Book from the front cover to the ABCs on page 60 and see if you can diagnose yourself. If after going through it thoroughly, you still cannot relate, then "throw it away".

baxibermuda

I am 2 weeks off a year sober, and in all honesty i am alcohol,drug ,gambling and womaniscing free.I work a 12 step programme in another fellowship and i am still not convinced i am powerless over alcohol or alcoholic or want to stay sober. I am now staying sober for other people and the worry of what they will say or think. I can not live my life for others,
To thine self be true i am going back drinking as i cant take this constant argument or the feeling that i am not being honest with myself

ScottFromWI

So you would prefer the sickness, shame, guilt and terrifying blackout experiences that you described in your original post to convince yourself? You will return to that state, and most likely a worse one. Having a year of sobriety is pretty amazing, but alcoholism really doesn't care if you have a week, month, a year or even 10 years - once you start drinking again you go right back to where you left off, and usually it gets even worse.

I would seriously consider talking with someone in your fellowship about this decision before you do it.

anattaboy

Trying to figure out if I am "alcoholic" based on loss, status, etc. was the beginning for me....non-problem drinkers don't have to ask.