Sunnybird03

I had a big slip yesterday. I was about 32 days sober and just said F*** it, I'm drinking. I got the idea in my head and there was nothing that was getting it out. I knew I had a few hours alone and went to the liquor store and the second I got home, half the bottle was gone. I hate who I become when I drink, and that person was right there waiting for me yesterday to get back into all my stupid routines. I become a liar, I become deceitful, I become this anxious, pathetic person. I didn't call my sponsor because I just wanted to drink. I knew if my husband found out I had been drinking, he would be livid, and I didn't care. I didn't care about anything else.

Now, this morning, I feel horrible. I'm hungover and sick to my stomach. My anxiety is through the roof. I can't even look at my husband because I was a little liar last night and SOMEHOW he never caught on to me drinking. I hid the bottle in my usual spot and snuck downstairs to drink. I hate this person I become! It's not me. It's the exact opposite of who I want to be.

I know I need to pick myself up today and move on. Slips happen. But I'm so sad. So, so sad. I was doing well, and not I just feel like crap. I while ago I posted about fear keeping me sober. Well, obviously fear is not enough. Because yesterday, I had no fear. I no regard for anyone but myself. The fact that I went back to my old, stupid routine scares me. It was so easy.

TheEnd

Try and remember how you feel at this moment and keep that in your mind at all times. What were you doing stay sober, were you using any particular program?

mfanch

Every single time I relapsed, it was because I stopped doing whatever it was (RR, AA, etc) I was doing to treat my alcoholism. I am an alcoholic and drug addict. Without doing something to treat it, I will drink and use. Untreated alcoholism is a progressive fatal malady.

Sunnybird03

I have been going to AA, but honestly I know I haven't been working the program as much as I should. I haven't been to a meeting at all this week...probably why I slipped.

hamabi

Some say that drinking is the default position for an alcoholic not using an effective solution.

Would just take this as a sign of what you can expect in the future from the same set of circumstances that surrounded this one.

Maybe hold off removing the things that are working well, that are getting between you a drink until you are more stable in this new life.

Jeni26

In the early few weeks before I started working the steps with a sponsor, it was only by going to meetings regularly that I managed to stay on track.
If I had to miss one, I would get 'twitchy'.
I think you probably need to commit fully to your chosen programme and work at it.
I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible, but remember you need never feel like that again x

bryangt

Majority of relapses are because we stop doing what we do to stay sober...like your AA meetings. I would talk to your sponsor about it & get to a meeting & share...that will hopefully get you back on the right track. Pick up the pieces and go forward, you can do it....

stepping

Yes Sunnybird, that is why. Throw your heart and life into it; they both depend on that from you!

When you slip...well you evaluate and try HARDER!

Don't let your sobriety lose it's priority EVER or you are setting yourself up for picking up again!

Best of luck hun!!!!

LittleNina

Today is a new day! What's done is done. You made it a whole month! And you can do it again! Like others have said, remember this feeling, and try to use that as motivation to abstain in the future.

Please, don't be so down on yourself; we are human and we make mistakes. I wish you the best!

NYCDoglvr

Denial and rationalization are always perched on our shoulder. Decide to do 90/90. get a sponsor and sit in the front row. This is a life/death disease and, at least for me, it is bigger than I can manage on my own. And hey, look where my best thinking got me -- DRUNK!!

aasharon90

Family intervention was what got me
into rehab and recovery 22 yrs ago.
Today I can look back on that experience
and be extremely grateful for my family
stepping in to get me help at that time
in my life when I so desperately needed
it.

I agreed to stay in rehab for 28 days with
a 6 week out-patiant aftercare program
attached upon release so I could return
home to my little family instead of going
away to a halfway house away from my
family.

The experience in rehab allowed me to
be in a controlled enviroment to allow
my body to go throw withdrawal symptoms
and begin recieiving the tools and knowledge
to help me learn about my alcoholism and
its affects on me and others around me.

Once I was set on the path of recovery I
went to any lengths I needed to to the best
of my ability to stay sober one day at a
time. Each day began to add up and here
I am 22 yrs later still traveling my road of
recovery passing on my own ESH- experiences,
strengths and hopes to those struggling with
addiction.

In doing so I have been blessed with the gifts
of the promises mentioned to us in the Big Book
of Alcoholics Anonymous. Gifts that are not taken
lightly but rather embraced in my everyday life.

I am grateful to not have slipped thoughout
my 22 yrs because I wanted and still want
sobriety rather than being miserably drunk
or dead.

Once I became sober, I had the choice to
stay sober or return to my misery. I chose
and still choose recovery for a happier, freer,
honest life today.

So can you.

neferkamichael

Hi Sunnnybird, there's a thread about why only 1% of people who quit using make it, and the most given answer is, People under estimate what addiction is. That's probably why you slipped. In spite of thousands of slips over the years, I never gave up and I hope you dont either. On the 10th I'll be 2 years 7 months sober. Rootin for ya!

awuh1

I can relate. The last time I drank I had a case of the “F*ck its”. Nothing mattered. When I finally sobered up I had to have a plan for the next time this happened, because I knew the “f*ck its” would one day return.

For me, it was necessary to find something more important
than myself. That was difficult, because at the time, when it came right down to it, I was the most important thing in my life and how I felt was the most important thing to me. I knew that if this continued, I was screwed.

The solution was to put all-of-you first. Not any one of you, but all of you, as a group. I had to get out of my own way. I had to stop acting in my own best interest all the time. I had to start to actually do something for someone with no hope of reward.

Here is a little exercise for you to try. Find a situation or person who is in a bad way and make it better. Do this in such a way that you receive no benefit from your action (aside from knowing you have done this). Also do this in such a way that NOBODY, EVER, finds out what you have done. Then pay close attention to what follows.

You may find this more difficult than you at first imagine, yet if you are able to accomplish this, you may find within it an answer to your dilemma. I find that there is a certain clarity that follows. It’s a bit difficult to put into words. The clarity comes through action. I hope you can find it.

TheEnd

It only works if you work if. If you're not interested in fully committing to the program of AA, there are other methods. Read around on SR, there are plenty of other choices that might fit you better. Either that or you need to recommit to the program and give it an honest effort.

2granddaughters

My sponsor told me there was 24 hrs in a day and if I gave 1 of those hours to an AA meeting that the other 23 would go a lot better. He was right.

All the best.

Bob R

doggonecarl

For many of us, that mindset is all it takes for the addiction to slip in.
It's like the belief that relapse is part of recovery. It is no coincidence those that believe it tend to relapse.

Have you fully and truly accepted the idea of never drinking again? Ever?

Dee74

what did you try to 'get it out', tho?

I'm not beating you up...I know what it's like...but we need to pick up the phone, or get onto SR, or go for a run, or throw our car keys in the bushes...do whatever we have to not to give and drink.

Cravings pass and we do feel better...but we can never really accept that as fact if we never actually experience them passing, I think.

It might feel like the only option in the world is to drink - but if we buy into that lie, well...we're sunk.

I'm glad you're back Sunnybird

D

Xune

Accepting that I could no longer drink alcohol...ever, made quitting a whole lot easier.

I've quit for myself.

My selfishness in quitting literally benefits everyone in my life.

I get cravings too you know. I don't ignore them, I mentally tell them to **** off, as I no longer drink.

I don't snort lines of cocaine, just as I don't drink alcohol.

For me to snort coke, would be absolutely insane and completely ridiculous on every level imaginable.

I've just added drinking to the list of drugs I would never do in a million years.

You understand what I'm trying to say?

LadyinBC

I just love how you make things so simple!

Fernaceman

It happens. You can't change the past. If you figure out how to, please let me know. There's some things I'd like to go back and "fix" too.

Get up, dust yourself off, call your sponsor, get to a meeting. Maybe commit to some step work? Go help another alcoholic? Or just go be of service to people? If you're helping someone else, you're generally not in your own head.