feeling like a fraud, maybe not ready
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 45
feeling like a fraud, maybe not ready
Hi everyone,
I've been sober a little over a month now and things are going OK. Not as good as I would like but a lot better then when I was drinking/using. I've been going to 1 or 2 meetings a week (I know, not enough) but I've also been listening to talks every day and praying a lot to make it through.
Tonight I went to a meeting and heard something I really needed to hear. A guy who felt EXACTLY like I did, did things I did, and was basically just another version of me. I almost teared up, almost...
So when it was my turn to share I just said that I felt exactly like him and it really was a wake up call for how it was for me only a month ago...because I tend to forget all the pain and horrors I went through.
The only problem was after the meeting I started to feel like a fraud. I had been going to meetings a month now and I never shared like he did, I never through it all out there for everyone to see...I felt envious that he had the courage to do that. That he was in touch of his emotions enough to do that. He even said after the meeting that he thought I had ten years sober.
That's kind of where I'm having an issue. I've always been a good looking smart kid that people thought a certain way of. I could of spent the night before doing coke and drinking my ass off but I could fool people the next day into thinking I was a great young guy with his **** together. I feel like people don't think I really have a problem because of my appearance. I'm not skinny, I'm not the typical alcoholic who comes in and looks like he just went through a war. This scares me because it makes me feel like maybe I'm all wrong and I should just go back out there...even though I know where that leads.
I just had to get this out there. I feel like a fraud and that I'm not really deserving of AA because of how I appear to people...
thanks for listening
I've been sober a little over a month now and things are going OK. Not as good as I would like but a lot better then when I was drinking/using. I've been going to 1 or 2 meetings a week (I know, not enough) but I've also been listening to talks every day and praying a lot to make it through.
Tonight I went to a meeting and heard something I really needed to hear. A guy who felt EXACTLY like I did, did things I did, and was basically just another version of me. I almost teared up, almost...
So when it was my turn to share I just said that I felt exactly like him and it really was a wake up call for how it was for me only a month ago...because I tend to forget all the pain and horrors I went through.
The only problem was after the meeting I started to feel like a fraud. I had been going to meetings a month now and I never shared like he did, I never through it all out there for everyone to see...I felt envious that he had the courage to do that. That he was in touch of his emotions enough to do that. He even said after the meeting that he thought I had ten years sober.
That's kind of where I'm having an issue. I've always been a good looking smart kid that people thought a certain way of. I could of spent the night before doing coke and drinking my ass off but I could fool people the next day into thinking I was a great young guy with his **** together. I feel like people don't think I really have a problem because of my appearance. I'm not skinny, I'm not the typical alcoholic who comes in and looks like he just went through a war. This scares me because it makes me feel like maybe I'm all wrong and I should just go back out there...even though I know where that leads.
I just had to get this out there. I feel like a fraud and that I'm not really deserving of AA because of how I appear to people...
thanks for listening
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 45
to sum it up, i feel bad that im not emotionally opening up like i should. and feel guilty that im not like lots of others i see in meetings...i still look normal and healthy even though i was doing coke and drinking non stop before i came here...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by lovetodrink 
to sum it up, i feel bad that im not emotionally opening up like i should. and feel guilty that im not like lots of others i see in meetings...i still look normal and healthy even though i was doing coke and drinking non stop before i came here...
this aint about how we look. i can sit at a meeting with a construction worker, lawyer, mechanic, psycholigist, nurse, photographer, truck driver, and a surgeon; we dont look the same. we all went to different depths of alcoholism. one went in and out of psych ward, one was in prison, one lived under a bridge, one was fully functional and had no problems with work or other areas of their life, but when i open my ears and listen, i can hea the same thinkin.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 10
Lovetodrink,
I feel the same way, that I don't look like the "stereotypical" drunk. That's why I haven't even tried AA. I am curious though. I am worried about going and opening up to people. Especially because I have a business and I don't want to possibly see somebody I know. I hide my addiction really well and fear people talking. At least your going though. I guess even though we are all different we are still all the same.
I feel the same way, that I don't look like the "stereotypical" drunk. That's why I haven't even tried AA. I am curious though. I am worried about going and opening up to people. Especially because I have a business and I don't want to possibly see somebody I know. I hide my addiction really well and fear people talking. At least your going though. I guess even though we are all different we are still all the same.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 45
well AA is wonderful, its helping a lot...i just really got out of shape tonight after the meeting. im also coming off anti depressants so that probably is making me more emotional
i recommend you go, its hard as hell to get the courage to go...to share anything...but if you are like me, and you know you cant fix yourself then you have to go.
i recommend you go, its hard as hell to get the courage to go...to share anything...but if you are like me, and you know you cant fix yourself then you have to go.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Keep looking and praying on a sponsor and they'll show up. Start to let your sponsor know who you are, the opening up will come. Give time time. The steps are the new solution. You're doing well!! Keep moving forward!
Hugs & love,
Hugs & love,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
Well, you are only a month sober.....don't get me wrong - that is wonderful and really is a big deal, but it is major to start to share if that is not your nature, and sometimes just takes a little time to begin. Keep going to meetings, and don't be so hard on yourself about not sharing....I bet you will in time. Ofcourse don't use what I said as an excuse - keep trying - but I really do think you are being too hard on yourself. Heck, you opened up tonight, so you are making progress!
Take care.
Take care.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Lovetodrink,
I drove to my 1st AA meeting in a new Corvette and had the house on the hill with the pool and all the other stuff. I memorized the steps and after about 30 days I was sharing like an old timer. There were all sorts of folks who asked me to sponsor them after my "wonderful speeches" during the sharing. I really "got" the surface of AA, but was still just as scared about who I knew I was; as when I was drinking. I white knuckled it for almost 90 days.
One day after a meeting in which I thought I had been particularly brilliant in my sharing a fellow with 30 years, and who now has been my sponsor for the last 13 years, took me aside and said, "for a guy who looks like a damn movie star and talks like a politician you sure are close to your next drink. What is it that scares you so much that you work so hard at hiding from everyone and particularly yourself?"
I broke down and told him I was afraid I couldn't stay sober and I didn't want to look bad in the meetings. He laughed and suggested that I might want to get a sponsor, take ALL 12 steps, in order, they are numbered for a reason he told me! When I asked where I could find a sponsor, he laughed and said, "If you will shut up and listen for a few meetings I might just show you how I did it and if it works for you then I guess you can call me your sponsor."
Even a "fraud" can get and stay sober if you just start with the 1st step and have a sincere desire to stop drinking and more importantly in my opinion, want to live a complete and happy life that can be almost fear free.
Best wishes to you and just keep coming back,
Jon
I drove to my 1st AA meeting in a new Corvette and had the house on the hill with the pool and all the other stuff. I memorized the steps and after about 30 days I was sharing like an old timer. There were all sorts of folks who asked me to sponsor them after my "wonderful speeches" during the sharing. I really "got" the surface of AA, but was still just as scared about who I knew I was; as when I was drinking. I white knuckled it for almost 90 days.
One day after a meeting in which I thought I had been particularly brilliant in my sharing a fellow with 30 years, and who now has been my sponsor for the last 13 years, took me aside and said, "for a guy who looks like a damn movie star and talks like a politician you sure are close to your next drink. What is it that scares you so much that you work so hard at hiding from everyone and particularly yourself?"
I broke down and told him I was afraid I couldn't stay sober and I didn't want to look bad in the meetings. He laughed and suggested that I might want to get a sponsor, take ALL 12 steps, in order, they are numbered for a reason he told me! When I asked where I could find a sponsor, he laughed and said, "If you will shut up and listen for a few meetings I might just show you how I did it and if it works for you then I guess you can call me your sponsor."
Even a "fraud" can get and stay sober if you just start with the 1st step and have a sincere desire to stop drinking and more importantly in my opinion, want to live a complete and happy life that can be almost fear free.
Best wishes to you and just keep coming back,
Jon
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
the funny thing about us alcoholics is we think we are so dam good at foolin everyone and hiding what really goin on.but:
yer eyes may sparkle
and yer teeth may glitter
but ya cant bulls**t
and old bulls**tter.
welcome to the largest old bulls**tters club! the only one we fool is the one in the mirror.
yer eyes may sparkle
and yer teeth may glitter
but ya cant bulls**t
and old bulls**tter.
welcome to the largest old bulls**tters club! the only one we fool is the one in the mirror.
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
I am lookin' pretty " smokin' hot" these days myself *winks* LOL
Anyhow, I was shaking and stuttering bad when I shared and it wasn't the DTs. I made that disclaimer to the group- ha! I don't think I ever would have thought I was ready.
There are people from all walks of life in AA. I love it!
Congrats on a mouth! How awesome is that
Take care
Anyhow, I was shaking and stuttering bad when I shared and it wasn't the DTs. I made that disclaimer to the group- ha! I don't think I ever would have thought I was ready.
There are people from all walks of life in AA. I love it!
Congrats on a mouth! How awesome is that
Take care
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