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Examining the past and what sobriety means to me

Old 08-08-2012, 07:49 PM
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Examining the past and what sobriety means to me

(This is a repost from some time back but I wanted to share it again to reaffirm to myself where I want be in my sobriety

Throughout the course of the last twenty years I have seen many peaks and valleys in my Alcoholism. There were years in the early days of my career where I drank to oblivion on weekends but maintained a comfortable sobriety during the week. Then there was the health phase during my early twenties when I abstained except for a small buzz amount on the weekends.

Of course the health phase didnít last very long before I entered into a bury the sorrow campaign which lasted into my early thirties. During these years I drank copious amounts everyday to numb myself from the outside world all the while maintaining a job never missing a day. As the years progressed I began to level out into the last phase. The functional Alcoholic phase.

It is this phase that lasted the longest, a daily all day imbibe that slowly became an obsession. A mental crutch that could not be overlooked, it was always there, calling to me, reminding me to feed it. When I finally decided to quit the physical part was a little tough but it soon waned. I was sure I had this thing kicked untilÖ The mind games started. That decade long stretch has permanently scarred my thought patterns. I do well for some days not thinking about it but it is always there, that constant nagging reminder somehow left there from so many alcoholic days passed.

As I enter into a new chapter of my quest to stay alcohol free I have begun to feel grateful for how lucky I have been. I have seen far too many tragedies whether it be someone getting a DUI or that guy I worked with for a while. He was so hooked he showed up to get his last check at 10 am wobbling drunk. I tried to say hi to him and his glazed over glare spoke volumes.

Cancer after cancer, some resulting in death. Kidney failure and a heart bypass and several other maladies. Through all these problems that I witness in others I still stand unscathed. I have begun to feel incredibly stupid every time I put my body in danger by pouring more poison down my throat. How many more free passes will I get? I donít want to find out.

Sobriety to me is a second chance, a chance I need to begin to not take so lightly. I know there is a day of reckoning out there, a day when fate will call my number, a day when there will be no tomorrow. No more chances, out of luck, out of time.

It is time to repay fate the time I have been given before time runs out.
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