Avoidance -- Part of the Addiction/Disease or Personality Flaw? Or Both? OR .... ?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,422
Hey Ophelia 
I called my friend - she was over the moon to hear from me. Score! Me - one, alcoholic procrastination - zero! Her surgery is today - a hysterectomy at the age of 32 ugh.
Well done taking care of your mail. We're on our way to becoming better people. Who would have thought?
Love you xxx
I called my friend - she was over the moon to hear from me. Score! Me - one, alcoholic procrastination - zero! Her surgery is today - a hysterectomy at the age of 32 ugh.
Well done taking care of your mail. We're on our way to becoming better people. Who would have thought?
Love you xxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
in the last 6 months I've started the whole avoidance thing. I decided i can only handle so much I can only resolve so much. The rest goes into the avoidance category. I recently told my mother due to the years of abuse by her and my step father I no longer could be on friendly speaking terms with her while i sorted this all out. I feel a lot better not having to fake it with her anymore. Not having to stomach being tolerant of her etc.. Now if i can work through wtvr this is and move forward that would be nice. I sometimes wonder if i could hold down a typical 9-5 office job as i have 0 patience any more for personalities and politics. Its debilitating to some degree to know that if i loose the job i do have I'm going to be in some hot water.
But yeah I've started the avoidance game. I think part of it is normal and healthy IE I'm not going to just jump off niagra falls as that would scare the heck out of me. But avoiding bills for no other reason then it stresses you probably isnt really wise. That being said I get it. I stuff my fair share of medical bills into the dark corner *sigh* its not so much i cant afford them I just dont understand what i even owe with how complex the insurance is and having to call the doctors and the insurance companies to figure it all out takes hours and streses me out really fast. So its easier to just ignore them.
But yeah I've started the avoidance game. I think part of it is normal and healthy IE I'm not going to just jump off niagra falls as that would scare the heck out of me. But avoiding bills for no other reason then it stresses you probably isnt really wise. That being said I get it. I stuff my fair share of medical bills into the dark corner *sigh* its not so much i cant afford them I just dont understand what i even owe with how complex the insurance is and having to call the doctors and the insurance companies to figure it all out takes hours and streses me out really fast. So its easier to just ignore them.
Gone In
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 223
I used to do a lot of procrastination and avoidance when I was drinking. Many of the same behaviours described above. Especially when hungover or on a bender.
I think it was related to shame, the shame of my active alcoholism was spilling out into other areas, and I just wanted to hide from it all.
I found that as I got more and more time sober, I started becoming engaged in problems. Engaging the problem, putting together a plan and following through on it gave me a sense of confidence and control.
I think it was related to shame, the shame of my active alcoholism was spilling out into other areas, and I just wanted to hide from it all.
I found that as I got more and more time sober, I started becoming engaged in problems. Engaging the problem, putting together a plan and following through on it gave me a sense of confidence and control.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by BASEjumper 
I found that as I got more and more time sober, I started becoming engaged in problems. Engaging the problem, putting together a plan and following through on it gave me a sense of confidence and control.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 25
I'm definitely very new here (only my third post) but OP's post resonated so thoroughly with me I had to chime in with my own two cents.
In hindsight I think the reflex and the impulse towards avoidance totally pre-dated my drinking, I just managed to keep it under control. Before I started drinking regularly, I would have flare ups of anti-social behavior, extreme procrastination, isolating myself, etc., but it was hardly a pattern.
It was the first time that I lived alone (in a very remote area to boot) that avoidance became a pattern. That was also the time I started drinking heavily.
I view it less as a chicken/egg relationship between alcohol and avoidance, and more as a chicken/rooster codependent relationship where it's like a match made in heaven. Or hell.
In hindsight I think the reflex and the impulse towards avoidance totally pre-dated my drinking, I just managed to keep it under control. Before I started drinking regularly, I would have flare ups of anti-social behavior, extreme procrastination, isolating myself, etc., but it was hardly a pattern.
It was the first time that I lived alone (in a very remote area to boot) that avoidance became a pattern. That was also the time I started drinking heavily.
I view it less as a chicken/egg relationship between alcohol and avoidance, and more as a chicken/rooster codependent relationship where it's like a match made in heaven. Or hell.
...not falling down them
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,200
Oh I sure can relate to this.
I do the avoidance thing whether drunk, hungover, or sober.
I wait until the last possible minute to pay bills, float my utility bills. I noticed I have major anxiety about bills regardless of my alcohol situation at the time. And regardless of how much money I have at the time, the anxiety still crops up.
I have learned to tell myself to breathe, relax, stop overreacting, just pay the thing and stop acting like the bill police are on their way to get me.
I seem to have major anxiety about money that I have to really be aware of and force myself to relax because the habit dates back to my first bill paying days , like age 17, which is 30 years ago!
I do the avoidance thing whether drunk, hungover, or sober.
I wait until the last possible minute to pay bills, float my utility bills. I noticed I have major anxiety about bills regardless of my alcohol situation at the time. And regardless of how much money I have at the time, the anxiety still crops up.
I have learned to tell myself to breathe, relax, stop overreacting, just pay the thing and stop acting like the bill police are on their way to get me.
I seem to have major anxiety about money that I have to really be aware of and force myself to relax because the habit dates back to my first bill paying days , like age 17, which is 30 years ago!
Gone In
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by choublak
Would you say that's a skill that had to be learned?
For me it was more about changing behaviour, and a willingness to get uncomfortable and do things I maybe didn't want to do.
Being sober for a while removed the shame, and I found I was more willing to engage. Then it was about jumping in and making mistakes, learning from it and getting comfortable with the new behaviour.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 705
A good and strange example of this behavior predating my drinking is that I remember in elementary school, I would have a homework assignment finished, only, for some unknown reason, I would not turn it in. Kind of translates to my adult version of having the money to pay the damn bills but inexplicably not doing so. I just happened to find a way to avoid worrying about it temporarily.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 205
I just opened my personal mail after about three months of letting it pile up. Lots of bills and late penalties, and a tax refund cheque of 18K. I'm thinking - what kind of an idiot behaves this way?
I'm just as bad at work, and can't even face going in unless I have a few drinks first. I never get in before noon these days, and usually not till later. I sober up on the weekends, and the cycle repeats.
Ironically, my avoidance creates all kinds of problems for me which increases my anxiety, which is the main impetus to my drinking; if I have a few drinks I can at least try to face things. Unfortunately, I can't accomplish much drunk, other than damaging my liver.
Today, I'm going to try to follow the advice in this thread to tackle a problem, make a plan to deal with it, hopefully experience a reduction in anxiety, and repeat.
I'm just as bad at work, and can't even face going in unless I have a few drinks first. I never get in before noon these days, and usually not till later. I sober up on the weekends, and the cycle repeats.
Ironically, my avoidance creates all kinds of problems for me which increases my anxiety, which is the main impetus to my drinking; if I have a few drinks I can at least try to face things. Unfortunately, I can't accomplish much drunk, other than damaging my liver.
Today, I'm going to try to follow the advice in this thread to tackle a problem, make a plan to deal with it, hopefully experience a reduction in anxiety, and repeat.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: The Present
Posts: 425
yes, yes, yes Ophelia and Live2run25
Gosh, I feel i could have written your posts. I also don't open my mail (i opened a letter the other day that i'd ignored for a year and a half and there was a cheque inside for five hundred dollars)! I also avoid encounters with some people because i can't handle any form of conflict. Sometimes i won't answer the phone in case it's the pharmacy or the bank saying I'm overdue (because I don't open my mail). A psychologist told me a little while back i am an avoider, with a capital A. It's such a relief to read that i'm not the only avoider around. The irony of my "condition" is that when it comes to confronting risk or physical danger or leaving my comfort zone, i don't have a problem. But if someone wants to argue about something trivial I'll be gone like Haley's Comet. this avoiding nature seems pretty consistent in sobriety as well.
Gosh, I feel i could have written your posts. I also don't open my mail (i opened a letter the other day that i'd ignored for a year and a half and there was a cheque inside for five hundred dollars)! I also avoid encounters with some people because i can't handle any form of conflict. Sometimes i won't answer the phone in case it's the pharmacy or the bank saying I'm overdue (because I don't open my mail). A psychologist told me a little while back i am an avoider, with a capital A. It's such a relief to read that i'm not the only avoider around. The irony of my "condition" is that when it comes to confronting risk or physical danger or leaving my comfort zone, i don't have a problem. But if someone wants to argue about something trivial I'll be gone like Haley's Comet. this avoiding nature seems pretty consistent in sobriety as well.
Still I rise.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by AWOL
yes, yes, yes Ophelia and Live2run25
Gosh, I feel i could have written your posts. I also don't open my mail (i opened a letter the other day that i'd ignored for a year and a half and there was a cheque inside for five hundred dollars)! I also avoid encounters with some people because i can't handle any form of conflict. Sometimes i won't answer the phone in case it's the pharmacy or the bank saying I'm overdue (because I don't open my mail). A psychologist told me a little while back i am an avoider, with a capital A. It's such a relief to read that i'm not the only avoider around. The irony of my "condition" is that when it comes to confronting risk or physical danger or leaving my comfort zone, i don't have a problem. But if someone wants to argue about something trivial I'll be gone like Haley's Comet. this avoiding nature seems pretty consistent in sobriety as well.
Gosh, I feel i could have written your posts. I also don't open my mail (i opened a letter the other day that i'd ignored for a year and a half and there was a cheque inside for five hundred dollars)! I also avoid encounters with some people because i can't handle any form of conflict. Sometimes i won't answer the phone in case it's the pharmacy or the bank saying I'm overdue (because I don't open my mail). A psychologist told me a little while back i am an avoider, with a capital A. It's such a relief to read that i'm not the only avoider around. The irony of my "condition" is that when it comes to confronting risk or physical danger or leaving my comfort zone, i don't have a problem. But if someone wants to argue about something trivial I'll be gone like Haley's Comet. this avoiding nature seems pretty consistent in sobriety as well.
I'm glad you and Riel FOUND money once you opened your mail!
Thanks to all who have participated--some truly great sharing and advice for all us avoiders!
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