RevivingOphelia

I haven't opened up my email for over a week. Sometimes I don't collect snail mail for over a week at a time too (thank god all my bills are automatic payment -- until you read the next post). I don't like to open it b/c what if there is something I don't like to read in there? :/

I didn't look at my cell phone bill for a year (automatic payments) and recently realized I was getting charged hundreds of dollars more per month (Cdn/USA snafu) and only got reimbursed for the last three months of it (50 bucks only!).

I avoid talking to my mother b/c we have a strained relationship, and I just get upset.


I seem to have a problem with avoidance of things/people that cause me stress. I'm not sure when this pattern began, but I am firmly entrenched it. I get such anxiety when facing certain things that may bring stress. I drank to alleviate anxiety for the most part. Sometimes drinking would HELP me open email or talk to family when I was nervous to.

Does anyone think this is related to alcoholism, can anyone relate, and/or does anyone have any thoughts in general about patterns of avoidance?

Thanks in advance,

~O

TexasBloom

Mine turned out to pre-date my alcoholism.

When I got sober and couldn't drink to cover the anxiety any more, my other character defects took over automatically. It's taken years to see the not-so-obvious ones (like sabotaging relationships slowly, walking right back into revealing info to my family that they can use to continue their own sick behaviors/manipulation, etc.)

I force myself to leave the house once daily, when the sun is up, for 30 minutes or more. That tells my fear that it's not bigger than me, and tells my ego that I don't suck and 'need' to stay home to feel better. And outside help has been amazing-had to 'get friendly with our friends'.

edited because: proof-reading is not my forte

RevivingOphelia

Thanks, TexasBloom. I can relate to your post. I think my avoidance patterns may have pre-dated the drinking problem as well.

TexasBloom

I also meat to say that chicken/egging it isn't worth the time, for me.

Am I anxious now? Nope. Will I be if the water well fixit dude walks across the yard without alerting me to his presence again? Maybe so.

Do I have tools from the program and from outside help places? Yep.
Do I call my sponsor to spot-check my reaction with me sometimes? You bet!

Live2Run25

Omg. I'm the same exact way. I don't ever check my mailbox. I'll check it like once a month. I keep getting medical bills, and i don't even open them. I haven't paid them in months. I can relate to this in a lot of ways. I have no idea why I'm this way. =(

EternalQ

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Don't know which came first but now that I'm over five months sober clearly I can see what a problem it is, and because I am not drinking I am now very concious of my avoidance, which is uncomfortable.

So to relieve the discomfort I've had to start bit by bit facing the backload and current mess avoidance made. I figure, if I don't drink, I will be forced to face it as otherwise i will be depressed and isolated.

The avoidance corners me into a little corner of my life. And my life is so big if I would just look around.

Stevie1

Wow, yes.

I do exactly these things too and only relatively recently identified it as a form of anxiety. I'm not anxious socially in the slightest so it took a while for it to click - and it always seemed like somehow a shameful thing so I never mentioned it to anyone. Thanks so much for bringing this up, Ophelia!

Alcoholism and depression/anxiety/mental illness/mood disorders are very often comorbid and I really don't think it matters - or is even possible to pinpoint - which came first. Looking back I see seeds of mental or emotional issues that pre-date my drinking but they weren't overt. All that intensified in tandem with the drug use and drinking over the years and seem thoroughly entwined.

I do believe that when one gets sober that failing to address the other stuff - through AA, counseling, meds, etc is critical to staying sober.

RevivingOphelia

That's so weird. I felt a strange affinity with some of your posts and, um, energy? That sounds so new-agey but it's true.

I am just SICK about the hundreds I cannot get back b/c I avoided looking at my cell phone bills. What is wrong with me?? I can't stop obsessing about the waste of money, either.

I'd love to be able to figure it out and fix it!

Thanks for your response.

RevivingOphelia

Yes, I GET that feeling of being cornered. It is only when I stopped drinking (three or four weeks?) that I finally opened an email with my cell phone bill and realized what had been happening the whole year.

Tomorrow, I have to face two family birthdays--just sending them email cards is stressing me b/c of lack of communication, as I isolated badly this year.

Thanks for responding.

RevivingOphelia

I like that you pinpointed avoidance as a form of anxiety--something i do struggle with. However, I am SO NOT socially anxious, either!

I, too, am starting to look back to earlier emotional issues, and I am not having fun with that. *sigh

Your advice on how to address the "other stuff" is valuable, but, GAH, it stresses me out to think about it. :/

Thanks for responding!

onlythetruth

Well, to the extent that our drinking/drugging was a way of avoiding the unpleasant realities of life (which was certainly the case with me), the desire to avoid unpleasant reality obviously happened before the addiction.

What I've come to realize since I quit drinking is that we aren't that different from people who haven't struggled with addictions. Everyone is human, and what happens is that ending the addiction puts us on the same playing field as everyone else.

True, many people without a history of addiction have developed healthy coping skills during their lives. But not everyone! It is amazing what bizarre, sick coping mechanisms a person can come up with, without ever picking up a drink or drug!

So, I think this "which came first" question sometimes misses the point...yes, we were probably messed up before we picked up a drink/drug, but that's likely because PEOPLE are messed up!

MetalChick

RevivingOphelia,

Ha, I can relate. I still haven't figured that one out yet for myself.

thanks for the post

babycat

I am so happy to see this post as I am totally struggling with it right now. I have suddenly found myself in pretty deep debt and I just put aside the massive amounts of bills I get. Definitely used drinking to not think about it. Every night I say I will deal with it tomorrow, then of course, never do. I have always been an "avoider". I remember being very little and feeling overwhelmed at problems. And really, what problems does a 6 year old have?

Live2Run25

=)

The sad thing is, I have the money to pay the medical bills. It's not like i'm broke and that's why I don't want to open them. I don't know what it is. The bills just depress me, so I don't even care to open them, even though I know it can't be good for my credit. Ughh.

RevivingOphelia

*doing a Saturday night bump

stillsleeping

Cool thread...

Now I'm thinking about it, the avoidance definitely came first. I never, EVER did my homework on time. I have hazy memories of lying on my bed as a little kid, reading a book and feeling guilty that I was supposed to be doing chores and figuring I'd have time to do them later. I was always, and I mean constantly in trouble for not doing stuff I was supposed to.

Weird- I always figured it was the booze. You really made me think!

I'm still a world-champion procrastinator. I'm learning some discipline. Like, it's only 0736 on a Sunday morning, and I've already been for a run. But I've been avoiding phoning my friend who's having a hysterectomy on Tuesday, thinking I'can do it later...when?? She needs you, man. Pick up the goddamn phone.

This is the same friend that I didn't call ONCE when she was in and out of hospital for six months, while her husband was neglecting their baby boy so badly he ended up with speech and language problems. Ugh. I thought that was definitely because I was drunk, but now I'm wondering. It sounds like maybe I'm just a sucky person.

Dammit! I'll call her this morning. Wow, Ophelia, you've opened up a whole new phase for me...love you!

Not doing this stuff is definitely where the anxiety comes from. I've NEVER got back from town having posted a birthday card early and felt worried about it. I've never ticked off every item in a to-do list and panicked about the state of my life haha! Open your mail - whatever's in there needs to be dealt with sooner or later. But if seeing your MIL upsets you, do you have to see her? I haven't seen my mum in years - she's a horrible person who makes me feel like sh.t so what's the point?

Love you xxx

jennikate

I too am just like this. I don't do anything if it makes me anxious. For years, I avoided opening the mail and instead just stuck it in a pile. Even if I had the money to pay the bills, I would wait until my husband badgered me repeatedly. (He now does the bills since I got "sick").
I also put off making phone calls and wait until the absolute last minute (or past) to do anything.
I am sure that this behavior started in childhood. I have a great ability to mostly put these things out of my mind. I don't mostly think about these undone things and if they enter my mind, I quickly push the thought out. I make out endless lists and then feel accomplished. The list then goes away for a few days. When it comes back out, I cross off the little I've gotten done, rewrite the list, and then put it away again.

SoberAtheist

It sounds like an anxiety condition to me - you should seek medical advice.

babycat

Thank you Captain Obvious.

RevivingOphelia

right?


Thanks to all who have responded. I will re-read when I am more awake. I woke up in the middle of the night (I have terrible dreams) and just popped in for a bit.

I DID email my siblings their birthday wishes and opened up my email that hasn't been opened for over a week (due to a work thing that i didn't want to deal with). So, I am visiting a friend and they opened it up for me and told me what was in it it and I said delete, delete, open etc. WTF, eh?

Still Sleeping, I hope your friend is recovering ok from her surgery and love you too.

Thanks again to all. Maybe by not avoiding the avoidance issues we have, we can learn to DEAL better.