Bratforlife

I just can't seem to quit. I have been reading so many posts on this site from people saying the same thing. Why does this have to be so hard?! I've never been a quiter, and I'm not going to give up on myself, but the struggle to stay sober is getting the best of me. I posted on the Newcomer's thread that I had 13 years and went back out. I drank for 8 years and for the past 2 years, I have been trying and trying to quit. I've done lots of AA, but it hasn't helped all that much. I feel so alone and lost. I hate what alcohol has and is doing to me - mentally and physically. I feel so guilty posting this because I really had such high hopes after all the support everyone has given me. Now, not only have I let myself down, I feel like I have let you guys down.

MrsKing

Bratforlife, I'm sorry you're finding this so difficult. I think many people can relate to this struggle. It took me a good few years to really grasp the fact that it was something I had to take incredibly seriously and something I had to do NOW and ALWAYS. I know it's hard and there's nothing anyone can do that will flip the switch and make you stay sober. You have to be 100% ready and 100% willing and desire more to be sober than you to do to be drunk.

What did you feel like before you had that drink? What triggered you?

Bratforlife

MrsKing thanks so much for your kind words. What triggered me - same as always - boredom and loneliness. I do real good during the day but when the evening rolls around, it just seems easier to drink and check out. Of course, I know this has to stop. I have to give this my 100% as you said. I need to go to an AA meeting in the evening as I know that will help. Anything is better than stopping at the liquor store and going home to drink myself into a black out. This is so damn hard, and I am so grateful that I have the support of everyone on this site. I want sobriety and I want to live my life without being chained to a bottle.

Bratforlife

I'm going to try and go back to sleep for awhile. Alcohol always wakes me up in the middle of the night, although it was a good thing 2 nights ago because I stumbled upon this site. I am so grateful for all the support I have received. I hope to read more word of encouragement when I log back in. Thanks to all of you as I know that you really do understand what I'm going through.

neferkamichael

Brat you quit for 13 years, you can do it again. Please don't give up.

MrsKing

As nerferkamichael says - YOU HAVE IT IN YOU! 13 years is such an amazing achievement and something that doesn't just happen. You did that, and you can do it again.

Drinking is not the answer to boredom and loneliness - you know that. Feeling bored and lonely means that you need something more in your life that will take you out of your boredom, and people in your life that will relieve your loneliness. Alcohol is neither, and though it takes us out of both boredom and loneliness momentarily, not long after those feelings are very much worsened.

When we take drinking out of our lives we have to look at all the things that 'caused' us to drink and why we chose to escape them through alcohol. We have to find healthy alternatives that make us feel good (good for real, not just the pretence of alcohol) - you know that all too well, I'm sure, since you must have managed that for 13 years.

You can do this... you really, really, really can! You did it for 13 years. You can have all that again.

Hope you sleep well... let us know how you're doing when you're up.

tomsteve

theres no way you stopped drinking for one day were sober. its impossible. you just didnt drink for one day. theres more to being sober than not drinking and it takes a decision and footwork.
going to AA and not drinking doesnt treaty alcoholism. in fact, just reading any method of recovery and not drinking doesnt treat alcoholism. every method of recovery has action involved. as the saying goes, you can take the booze away from drunken horse theif but ya still got a horse theif.

now, in both this and the other thread you started on the subject that i've posted in, you have been given some very good suggestions from a lot of helpful people that want to see you get sober. i hope you decide to make the decision to get into action. besides sober our only other choices are locked up or covered up. alcohol will kill us. period. do you want to live or do you want to die? has the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality? are you desperate enough to put in whatever footwork ya gotta to get and stay sober?

i'm not sure what you mean by "lots and lots of AA" but goin to meetings and not drinking doesnt treat alcoholism. theres action. as stated all recovery methods require action.
prayers yer way that you have reached the point of desperation.

lilyrosemary

I hear the sorrow and pain in your post. i will have to agree with everyone else here about action. the words that saved me were "you gotta do the work" damn! : ) the very best of everything to you. God bless

aasharon90

Can you share what you did for those 13yrs. you
didnt drink? Just in general what you did, places
you went, activities, people you hung around with?

Did you go to any clubs or places that serves alcohol?

How about your network of friends or family? Are they
partiers that drink daily or go to clubs to hang out? Is there
family members struggling with addiction?

What caused you to return to the drink? Did someone
make you mad where you held a resentment towards
them?

Sometimes its those little things in life that aggrivate
us that would cause us to drink and just not deal with
them. When you know what those little life aggivations
are or triggers then with a program of recovery in
place, you will instinctively know how to deal with
them instead of reaching for poison that could kill.

2granddaughters

Perhaps you need to put AA at the top of your priority list...to COMMIT to AA and not just be involved on an "as needed" basis.

The difference between "committed" and "involved" is like a bacon & egg breakfast.....

The chicken is 'involved' and the pig is 'committed'

All the best.

Bob R

RobbyRobot

Just a suggestion. You may do better by revisiting your ideas of being bored and lonely as good explanations for your return to drinking, okay?


Another suggestion. You could do better by not punishing yourself with the merry-go-round of drinking and getting back to meetings. Forget 100%. Forget failure from drinking. Drinking is not the real problem. And its not the real solution. Since you agree with AA, you know alcoholism, and only alcoholism, is the real problem, and that real problem is driving you to drink, yeah?

I would suggest doing a 4th and 5th as quickly as possible. Re-do your 1st, 2nd, and 3rd ASAP. Forget doing these steps perfectly. Just do them as best you can. Think quality not quantity.

Resentments kill alcoholics dead. If i had your recent experiences on my plate, I would be racked with resentments. Get to work on your 4th and 5th.


Yeah, you already have everything you need to do this, so have no regrets for past deeds, and move forward with what you got. You have a want and willingness to be sober. You have SR. You have AA. You have the desire to be unchained from the bottle... awesome!!

It feels hard, and our thinking can sometimes go south and it makes it seem even more difficult than it already is...

The thing to know is that the difficulty is just another thing to examine with your honesty skills, and then... let it go...

Soon enough, you'll see that keeping sober is also easy, easy, easy. Things change from worse to better, from hard to easy, from drunk to sober.

Again. A suggestion. Do your 4th and 5th. ASAP.

Sorry for your recent troubles, Bratforlife. I hope today is a better day. You can so do this!!

TexasBloom

Are you convinced it's got you beat down? Are you convinced you're done, no matter what? Do you see this as life or death?

It looks as though it's still providing you comfort and you have the 'want to's'. That's fine, but wants don't get and keep us sober. DOing does.

Hitting meetings at night is a fantastic idea! You know that the first drink starts the snowball and the steps must be done asap to keep us living. It's the whole shebang. Ultimately, you're convinced you're powerless, or you're convinced it will still ease the loneliness when your allergy is going strong.

Bratforlife

Thank you MrsKing for reminding me of my 13 years - it's just so crazy that I could have something that wonderful for that long, and now look at me. However, I'm up and ready to give it my all! I want my life back!!!

Bratforlife

Wow tomsteve - what a great message and kick in the pants for me - thank you!!! This is what I know is great about alcoholics who are in recovery and really care to see the drunk get sober. You are absolutely right - my thread title wasn't correct insofar as being sober 1 day. It was just a day of not drinking. Sobriety, as I very well know, comes after a lot of work. I don't want to disappoint myself again, nor do I want to disappoint the friends I have made here that genuinely care about me. You have really given me some hard facts that I need to stare in the face. Thank you again.

Bratforlife

Thank you aasharon90 for caring. What did I do for those 13 years . . . I was in an AA world, hung at the Alano Club a lot (was even President for a couple of years!), didn't hang out with anyone that drank as far as friends go, although my children all drink. They knew I didn't drink any longer and we we got together at my home, there were no more wild parties. I exercised a lot by riding my road bike practically everyday - sometimes 50 miles a day! I went to meetings in the evening, or to a movie, or spent time with AA friends. I didn't sit around thinking about drinking, that's for sure. Then one day a couple of my friends decided they weren't alcoholics any longer and went back out. I watched them and they seemed to be able to have just a couple of beers, or a glass or two of wine, and then stop. I thought - why not me! When I entered AA I was in a God awful marriage and, of course, it was HIS fault that I was drinking like I was :-) Of course, everyone here knows that's just what I was telling myself to feel better. When I went back out for those 8 years I pretty well maintained doing what my friends were doing and that lasted for about 5 years if you can believe it. Then . . . one day . . . life took another turn and guess what - I crawled right back into that bottle and stayed there for the next 3 years. It was Hell - isolation - loneliness - no self esteem, etc. as the list goes on. I DON"T want to go back to that, and that's why I refuse to give up on myself. As tomsteve said, as well as the others, it's time for action - not just words.

tomsteve

well, that is awesome to see you seein the message has to be a lil brutal to get through our thick heads. i know its what i needed and sometimes a crowbar was involved because my head was up my arse and then lots of q tips to dig the crap outta my ears, then a blow horn.

i can say from my experience that gettin sober was a bi**h. it was the biggest fight i ever put up. but then stayin sober has been pretty easy.
prayers yer way that ya live in the solution one day at a time.

Bratforlife

RobbyRobot - the Steps - duh . . . I hadn't even thought about doing them again. Obviously, shows how foggy I have been. I need to get a sponsor and promise that I will work on that today. I know the meetings can't keep me from drinking - they only offer a reprieve for that hour. It's action that I need to now put on my plate. Thank you!

Bratforlife

Texasbloom - yes indeed - it is a matter of life or death. I know I've been knocking at death's door for awhile now and thank God no one has answered the door. I want to live. I want a life without alcohol. Thanks you for your words - they really help get my day started in the right direction.

Bratforlife

More thanks tomsteve! I don't have a crowbar, but sounds like I'd better pick one up today :-) And, of course, I didn't for even one minute consider your message to be brutal. I need you people to call me on my crap; that's why I posted in the middle of the night. I knew I needed you guys and that you all care enough to help everyone that seeks the solution.

aasharon90

I often heard that once we've had a taste
of sobriety and recovery that it definitely
screws up our drinking careers. Meaning
when we drink it will never be like it was
before, because now we have those tools
and knowledge of our alcoholism to think
about and remind us how horrible our drinking
really was/is.

Now that you have some experiences, strengths
and hopes of what your drinking was like before,
during and after your drinking, you can now pass
on that knowledge to others that are struggling with
addiction. In doing so, you can put ur recovery first
and help others while staying sober yourself.

It's a matter of getting out of our own selfish, self-
centered thinking and focus on another that needs
help. That is being of service to others in recovery.