Sudz No More

I'm not even sure if it is more than 15 but I have had quite a few now.

A few years back I could drink twice as much and not have bad physical effects the next day. Age and Alcohol are starting to catch up with me though. I feel torn and run down and despite this I carried my daily heavy load at work without missing a beat. I have an Iron Will for work, I just can't seem to transfer that energy to abstaining from Alcohol.

Another disturbing development, I used to eat a good healthy meal every day for dinner regardless of how much I drank. Now when I give in and drink I sit down without a meal and just drink. Sometimes I will barely eat a thing. I always wondered when I would see old drunks at the bar looking rail thin and now I think I am headed there.

I am going to go put a good meal in my belly after this post and take the dogs for a walk. One of the blessings in disguise is that I really can't drink today anyway. I feel too beat up and just want to mellow for a few hours and go to sleep early. Get back on track in the morning with a healthy breakfast and my daily vitamin.

It is this cycle I am stuck in though. I fall back into drinking, it escalates a little each day until I go passed the threshold of what my body can take. I stop drinking because I feel like crap physically and mentally. But, in a few days when my body is on the mend I fear I will get the cravings again.

This time I need to stick to an earlier plan which was call someone who understands and cares. I have refrained from this safety net of a peer to only end up giving in to temptation.

I know this much, I won't drink today and I won't tomorrow. Now if I can just honor my own promise to myself I should be on my way back to sobriety.


If at first you fail, try, try again...

For the damn umpteenth time! Day one...

RobbyRobot

Good to hear you're settling into Day 1, no matter how many day 1's there are. I had plenty myself too back when. One thing I did to change up things, was realizing I didn't really 'fall back into drinking', more like I progressed into drinking again. I moved into a relapse, not fell, or tripped, or whatever, into another drink.

I hope you don't dismiss this as just semantics, Sudz. How we think in early recovery is so critical to how we progress, and 'falling back' is a shaming and useless kinda thing, you know? Progressing into whatever speaks to responsibility and purpose. The thing here is making changes to our early progression so as to not find ourselves with drink in hand. Nothing wrong with making changes for a safer harbor, and doing course corrections dosen't mean the whole journey is wasted. On the contrary, learning how to navigatge our early sobriety teaches us essential skills. Its not like we have a golden treasure map just because we put down that drink, yeah? I certainly didn't. I just kept doing the next right thing, and making changes as I went.

And here I am.



Good to see you sharing, man.

bloss

Glad to see your post, it's a good day to be sober! Lately, when the thought of a drink comes, I try to just let it float by, not condemn myself, just let it go by like the wind, it will eventually settle. Keep posting, it really helps me to read all the posts here on SR

AWOL

Sudz
Take the last empty bottle or can of whatever alcoholic drink you had, tie a label around it with the date you had that last drink. Then put that empty bottle in a cupboard somewhere. Before you consider having another drink, think about that empty bottle and that the label's going to stay on that bottle just for today. That strategy helped me a lot. Good luck!

Nevertheless

I lost count of how many times I tried. The important thing is to keep at it.
I have to agree,the hangovers were really starting to hurt. Especially when I started again. I was a 12 pack a day drinker. But after I sobered up and starting again,a 6 pack would about kill me.
I also usually failed after a long spell (week or more) like you. I would get to feeling really good,and decide a beer sounded soooo gooood. Of course the next morning was always sooooooo baaaaadddd. Thats where playing the tape all the way through comes into play.
All you can do is keep on trying. But it's easy to fall into the trap that (I didn't make it last time,I can't make it this time). We can't think that way. We have to take the option of failing off of the table.
Fred

PaperDolls

Sudz, I can relate.

Sounds like it's time to do something different. You can't keep doing the same things to recover and expect different results.

What can you do differently?

Hevyn

Sudz - It sounds like drinking's bringing you nothing but misery at this point. I remember being so confused when it stopped being fun. I didn't have the sense to see what our progressive disease was doing to me until it almost took my life. Thankfully, you are aware of what needs to be done. I do believe you'll do this, Sudz. You sound ready.

Sudz No More

I rather like that idea, thanks. I need to do things different in order to try and change my mindset.

aussieblue

Keep trying Sudz, don't let the bottle win.

SDSurfn

Sudz, I just wanted to post to let you know you are definitely not alone with the relapsing.

Since my join date, I've lost count of my Day 1's.

I won't give up if you won't give up, buddy.

All the best,

SD

betterlate

Sudz, you've provided plenty of inspiration to me here on SR. Thanks for that. Good for you for trying again.

I tried for years to stop getting drunk and smoking crack. I would count how many days I could quit and hardly ever got above 4 or 5 days. So that makes over a hundred a year for 3 or 4 years. Like four or five hundred day 1's.

The count is now at 611 days without drinking or smoking crack. You helped me get here. Keep trying and congratulations on day one.

Sudz No More

Thanks Betterlate.

It makes me feel great to know that posts I have written have had an impact on others. Knowing this inspires me to really get determined and find the help I need to stay sober.

Thanks to everyone who has posted support here, it means a lot to me and makes my resolve grow stronger.

Justfor1

Sudz, you helped me with your posts after I had my 1 day slip. I relate to the alcohol kicking butt physically. It seemed I would get drunk fast on very little alcohol (less than a pint of vodka). I think it's called reverse tolerance and is not a good sign. Start a new day tomorrow & post here.