Justfor1

I basically feel as I am completely useless. I'm under employed & getting very little work. Even after my last post & all the help I received I still drank. I hung on for 1 more day then drank. This was nothing like the month ago slip but a real full vodka drinking/cocaine bender. Naturally, I encountered the police & will have to deal with a minor type charge next month. It's like I want to be the very worst alcoholic ever or something?? I want a normal life yet lack the tools necessary to do it. I'm spiraling into a depression & this usually doesn't happen in the summer. Now I have the "I hate the world" type thinking which usually brings about more drinking/drugging. Which lead to more consequences & the cycle and the dance goes on. This insanity has been going on for nearly 10yrs! Why would a loving God let someone live like this???

Sudz No More

Sorry Buddy, hang in there and keep trying. We all need to help keep each other on the right track. I look to guys like you to help me feel stronger in my own fight.

Don't give up and keep posting. If at first you should fail, try, try again...

tomsteve

Why would a loving God let someone live like this???

welp, yer blaming God for something He didnt have a part in. one thing God gave us at birth is fee will. we are free to do what we want, but there are consequences to our actions.

even after getting drunk, it hasnt changed the fact that yer still under employed, has it?

you are not useless. you are just sick.
i was once a useless worthless, hopeless, helpless drunk one drink away from suicide when i got into AA. the program showed me what made me tick and how to live life on lifes terms.AA gave me the "tools" to live and stop existing.
today i have use, worth, hope, and am quite useful. i no longer hate me.

Justfor1

At times, the only sure way for be to be sober is to be incarcerated. If I continue that is where I will be. In jail or in treatment (to avoid jail) or the psych ward. I tend to be more motivated to stay sober during the cold winter months. I guess the sad thing is that, in a way, I accept I'm a alcoholic & I accept the horrible consequences that go with it. I am so used to it, it no longer fazes me. Which is why I never understood the term of "hitting bottom"?

tomsteve

welp, to me hitting bottom is death.cant get any lower than that. but a person can get desperate enough to step off the elevator.
i know for me admitting i'm an alcoholic didnt stop me from drinking. watching othe rpoeple die from the disease of alcoholism and addiction didnt stop me from drinking. the smart ones throwing me out of their lives didnt stop me drom drinking. it was desperation. the pain of getting drunk finally exceeded the pain of reality. it was either stop drinking and get sober or kill myself.

that was a lil over 7 years ago. when i got into recovery through AA, i figgered i'd give it 90 days and see what happens. iffen i still hated myself, i was goin for the only other option i mentioned. at 90 days, i didnt know what had changed in me, but it was something and i liked it, so i kept goin. then i realized, heck, i drank for 23 years and i was only givin it 90 days? think i'll give it 23 years then decide.
i still have 16 more years to decide, but today, i am gonna keep on doin what i've been don because life sober rocks!!!

DalyCityTrain

You say you accept your doom as an alcoholic. I feel like this all the time.

Just gotta keep fighting it. You only have one life to live.

Justfor1

I also feel horrible because I spend all my money on vodka & crack. Now I don't have money for gas & have to ride my bike to the subway to get to work. I'm physically still weak & have to work a short shift tomorrow. My body can only handle 1-2 days of this type of binging. Before I would be able to do it a week or longer. I also missed my appointment with my therapist & she has left me numerous messages. She sounds worried & I feel like I let her down.

Lenina

Just,

have you tried Rational Recovery? it helps me a lot. AA is good and helped me with the living issues but RR and AVRT worked better for quitting alcohol. I have no experience with crack.

I worry so much about you. You don't have to live like this. Something has to change for you, I think on a deep philosophical level. Rational Recovery helped me with that.

Love from Lenina

Justfor1

lenina, thanks. Yeah I primarily use alcohol but also use cocaine or crack to stay up so I can drink more. On occassion, I snort heroin to come off the coke/booze. It is a serious addiction. I have that Trumpey RR book somewhere but I gotta find it. I think the most important thing for me is to get a full time job.

tomsteve

the major question you have to ask yourself and answer is:
do you want to stop the insanity and are you willing to do whatever ya gotta do to stop it?
i sure hope you say yes.

zjw

Job or no job. No matter what your problems are you will still have them. Sober or not your going to have problems. I bet you had benders when you had a better employment situation too. Of if this i'll stop of if that life will be better and i wont need to drink .... uh huh. Bad days i drank good days i drank it didnt matter i always had a reason. I was self medicating for many reasons. You have to keep trying to stop sooner or later it will stick. Sooner or later you can be out of the mess that your in. It is not easy at all but when you get to the other side of it it you will look back and be so happy you stopped.

It is very true about conequences. You can accept the terrible ones that will head your way as a result. Tell yourself you no good maybe its good your incarcerated so you'll stay sober etc.. Hey maybe it would be good you go and get incarcertaed (you said it) thats at least a positive outcome. But do you really want it to go that far? Seriously? wouldnt you rather quit on your terms?

My life wasnt worth liven before. Aside from my wife and kids I felt i was worth nothing more then a meal ticket to em. And well i better stay alive to provide it. Im no good etc.. Mind you now i have many of days i feel that i'm just passing time on this rock. But my days are more enjoyable.

LosingmyMisery

Tough love, compassion, rah, rah and words of encouragement...there is nothing left that hasn't already been said. I'm very sorry for you, but the bottom line is this is all on you. You and only you hold the key to your sobriety, survival and happiness. If you want it badly enough, make it happen.

Dee74

I think the more we do the same stuff the more we can expect the same results Just.
You were going good there for a while - I hope you'll do what you need to do to get back there

I think there's a lot more worthy things to ask that question of Just.

You and I have been born with privileges some people on earth never dream of.
You're not being punished - you've simply made bad choices, man

Seriously - you can stop making those bad choices any time you like.

D

Lenina

Just,

Here's a link that has a lot of the Trimpey information and more. no need to dig out the book. just click and learn.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-4-a.html

love from Lenina

Lenina

Oh, and I don't find AA and RR incompatible. Go to AA for the fellowship, work the steps for the theraputive value and apply AVRT to get past impulses.

Lenina again!

RobbyRobot

Yeah, you said it all right there, yeah?

Just, you're smarter than this, and it's like preaching to the choir. There is very little left to tell you how to quit and clean-up. All the support in the world is lovely to have, but the illness of the addiction is what is wrecking you, and you know deep in your heart using alcohol and drugs kills any of us dead. None of us are bullet-proof.

Dying is such a waste, yeah?

When we change our actions we change our lives, its really as simple as that. As we do the next right thing, things get better and improved, allowing for better actions taken, and the sober thing starts to take on a life of its own. As we continue to be responsible and open to more changes, we not only make it, we make it with an abundance of love and freedom to finally be ourselves.

Drinking and drugging destroy all that is good for us, and no way out except to quit. It is entirely a personal choice how anyone wants to start being sober. Many different choices all provide for the same eventual solution: a free and sober life.

You can do this, Just. You can.

sugarbear1

We all have free will. God's a "gentle being" and won't take free will away from us....

OklaBH

QUOTE Tomsteve: then i realized, heck, i drank for 23 years and i was only givin it 90 days? think i'll give it 23 years then decide.
i still have 16 more years to decide, but today, i am gonna keep on doin what i've been don because life sober rocks!!!
__________________


Justfor1--This is a great quote and SOOO true. We spend years giving alcohol one more chance until it kills us. Yeah you can stay sober in jail but jail is not a rehab. You are surrounded in there with others that have given up. They get their free cot and crappy meal and bide their time until they can get out and use again. Which is why the term "repeat offender" is so prevelant in the system.

I read in one of your threads you have a son. Can you try it for him? I know they say you cant get sober for anyone but yourself but you dont seem to have the self esteem to give it all for YOU.

Ive read hundreds of helpful, encouraging, loving posts to you over the last few months. Go back and read them over and over and get some face to face help.

KnowHope

The solution is right in front of you. freedom, joy, redemption, healing, purpose, forgiveness, friendship, love, compassion, a culmination for everything on the journey to become useful, especially with regard to helping others. So are you ready for a Renaissance of the spirit, a complete psychic change through the steps? Or do you want to go back out there to finish the job.

Thepatman

Everytime I put my hand in the fire I burn myself and it really hurts.
Stop fu#% putting your hands in the fire and you will be fine.

This is what I told myself when I decied the madness was enought.

Sometimes one must stop complaining and kick himself in the ass.

Just my own experience