tdlev12

Hello All

I am joining this site today, because I need outside advice on how to proceed

Sobriety Date was 10-3-2011
Relapse Sat Night (shot heroin twice)
I am AA only, so posting here---

I will give you an overview and then sit back and listen to what others have to say-

OVERVIEW:
Current: 34 years old Male
Alcoholic since I first picked up--consistent user since 16yrs old
Drug Use Heavy in college
Moved to South after college near family
Corporate Job, Got married 7 years ago, two children 7 and 8 now
Mostly drinking and gambling (I also do GA) after college until mid 2010
Mid 2010-Got into Meth for 1st time
Got arrested for Domestic Violence Sept 2010
Went into Sober living house--gambled 1st 3 months in house--admitted to it and started GA for 1st time (12-21-2010)
Able to stay clean for 5 months (AA + GA)--moved out of house in late April 2011 and relapsed on gambling within 3 weeks (May 2010)--In mid July drank in FL and got arrested that night (battery)
Gave up---moved out of house, lived in hotels--started heroin for 1st time
Arrested again (shoplifting) October 2nd 2011--spent two weeks in jail

Everything changed---took medical leave (yes still kept job!!) went to rehab during the day (3 months), moved back into sober house---stayed 8 months this time (6 month minimum)

was not easy the 2nd time--worked it hard--AA, GA, Rehab, Therapy, Anger Mgt----everything changed! Reconciled w parents (working step nine now) etc etc

Actually, wife and I decided on divorce about a month ago--that we were not in love, and probably never had been---really everything going great

Went to Sober House meeting on Mondays
Went to Aftercare Rehab meeting on Wednesdays
Went to 2-3 AA mtgs other days
Just started chairing a meeting, and even a discussion leader last week
Calling Sponsor everyday

Moved out of sober house 2 weeks ago...........I started to date a little bit--even though my aftercare and network said to be careful--never was lying about anything--never slept w any girls....just 2 dates w 2 diff people
(I mention this bc this was the big new thing I was doing--not a secret but I was doing it---_

Then, Saturday night, a friend in recovery came over---we went to dinner--he confessed to me that he had been shooting heroin for 2 months--I thought he maybe had drank or smoked pot but he had never done any harder drugs

Anyways, we end up shooting up once on sat night at his place, and then we had some left over, and did it once more in the morning----

MY THOUGHTS

-I am scared to come clean for a few reasons but mostly:
--My soon to be ex-wife and her letting me see the kids: This is BIG one
We have actually gotten along wonderful since we decided to seperate (even before that, we were not fighting, after years of fighting! we just decided to stop trying to force love---) We have been like best friends--and I just dont know how she would re-act??????
---I just moved out into my own place, would I have to move back into the sober house? Would it be required by my wife?
----Do I tell just my sponsor? He is a former resident of my sober house--telling him would probably mean not picking up my 9 month chip in July 3rd thereby letting everyone know?

I am really torn right now---REALLY torn

Do I confide in someone outside my sponsor? outside my network?
Do I tell everyone? What about my wife?
Do I pick up my 9 month chip? a year?

When do I tell?

(ps I know I mentioned arrests alot--everything is done and clean--except I am on probation out of state---thats mail in...no testing etc....no updates from anyone---etc etc so legally there are no issues........)

I do not want to use again-

I am treating it like a one time mistake, but I know better, and my whole program is founded on honesty

What is everyone's thoughts?

I know I eventually have to tell, but when? and to whom?


Please please please give me some advice

And please I am not asking to soften the blow, but post like I was your sponsee-----

Thanks

tomsteve

wheres yer HP in all this? have you done any footwork on the steps??
going to meetings and not drinking doesnt treat alcoholism. there is action.

Do I pick up my 9 month chip? a year?
to thine own self be true.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path... and...
thoroughly have we seen a person fail who has rarely followed our path.


"....manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.....but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."

"At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."

"The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success."

"and my whole program is founded on honesty"
your program got ya drunk. the program will get ya sober and keep ya sober.

if you want to practice the principle of honesty, get rid of the ego and pride and get some courage and be honest.


i think you know the answers to your questions.

Thepatman

I'm a new sobber since June 4th so I'm no expert so be patient with me.

The 9 months medal, think it will feel as good as if you didn't relapse? Will you wear it proudly?

Don't be so hard on yourself dude, you seem to really want to change things, that takes time and courage. A 9 month medal is just a medal, a lifetime of freedom from addiction is far better. Honesty will bring you a long way, the road might be rough, but it will be your road and you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror with pride.

+ You are young, you can get as many medals as you want when you are stronger.
We alshoolics are experts at pounding ourseflves with blame. STOP IT, it will accomplish nothing. Just get back up and keep moving! have faith!

soberbrooke

I would be honest with my sponsor and ask him what to do.

tdlev12

I appreciate the feedback

Yes, I do know what I have to do----

I have been honest the whole way, if anything has kept me sober, it has been being honest

Thats how everything changed for me---I got honest

It wasnt perfect but it was sobreity

I got honest about my feelings, my mistakes, everything---thats how I got to the 9 months

I am just so scared to get honest about this---

--I know my network will forgive and accept me

Its more the outside network I am concerned about

In particular my (ex) wife and how things will change thier

I just dont know what to do

tdlev12

Its not about the chip----I understand that

I guess if I dont get the chip, then people will know---If I get the chip they wont

Its not about the damn chip

And for the OP, saying where is your HP?

I mean I have to work the steps on your post----all you did was state what I already know---I guess thats the point?

What I am trying to say is YES I have worked an HP---the whole time---I did work the steps throughly

But cant you see at least consider my viewpoint

Im scared to death!!!

And I asked not to be **** on-----I was scared enough to come on here bc I have had so many negative experiences with online forums (recovery or not)

I dont need someone saying honesty honesty honesty over and over and over again

I dont know what I am looking for---maybe someone to talk to

I just dont know what to do

PaperDolls

In one sentence you say your whole program is founded on honesty and yet you're toying with the idea of lying about your recovery/program.

Most of the time, the right thing to do is not the easy thing to do.

Suck it up and get honest and move forward.
Lie about it and stay stagnant and risk another relapse.

tdlev12

Yes I know

I know I have to tell on myself---

You are 100% right

There is NO other way--NONE

Maybe telling everyone in the program and my network will not neccessarily mean telling my wife and parents

Maybe I wont have to disclose the relapse to them right now?

Does anyone have experience with this?

I mean, I don't live with them..............

Thoughts?

winslynn

If you have the 24 hours a day book read the thought for the day,Dec,7.Go to your meeting and say you had a slip and now you're back.End of that story,now you have a new sobriety date.
Tell your sponsor,you are not obligated to tell anyone else except at your meeting.
I have seen men who quit drinking and got carried away gambling,it's the excitement they are seeking.Don't have anything to do with any active users,run away from anything that threatens your sobriety.
You are going to have to surrender to all mind changing substances,not just alcohol.
You will be O.K. if you stick with the program.Maybe you needed to have a good scare in order to put some fear in you,it's easier to work the steps when you're scared.

tomsteve

But cant you see at least consider my viewpoint

Im scared to death!!!

but post like I was your sponsee-----

i saw your viewpoint. i'm not gonna tell ya what ya want to hear. quit playing God. it doesnt work. you Eased God Out and you took the wheel.
if you have really been honest all this time then you would know theres no need to be afraid with God in control. its your lie and you gotta live with it.

tdlev12

No I know you guys are right--100%

I think I knew that before I posted, but yes I know it---got to come clean

(as it relates to gambling--I didnt admit that being a problem until 3 months in the first time....My sobriety date of 10-3-2011 is for gambling as well--actually I had not gambled since before that date, but to me weather its gambling (even a lotto ticket...) or drinking or drugging, its all the same---so I just figured 10-3 for all....no need to go back another month or two for just gambling---)

That all being said, I am supossed to meet my sponsor at 715 for a 730 mtg

Part of me says go and tell him

Part of me says go and dont tell him yet

And then now part of me is saying go get high one last time

This is not good

PaperDolls

FEAR

Time to pray.

Dee74

go with door #1 Tdlev

D

CarolD

Welcome...

Seems really dumb that you are wanting to shoot up again
Regardless of what has gone on....it never occured to me
to add that to my list of problems.

Prayers going out for your clairty to return.

tomsteve

This is not good

it will be a blessing after ya let the cat out of the bag.
and as the BB says ont he 5th step:
If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking.
Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods.Almostinvariably they got drunk. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story.

We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world

MetalChick

I would think that if you know you have to tell on yourself if you relapse then maybe it will help you not to do it again. You are just stressed and wanting to get high again because you are so worried about this. Also, in a way your x has a right to know what is happening with a person who is with your kids. I mean be smart about it and honest about whether it was a one time thing and your kids will be OK around you, but you are already saying you want to get high again one last time- that probably wont be the last time if you do it.

take care

tdlev12

Just wanted to update everyone---

I went out again on Monday and Tuesday night

But on wednesday morning, called my network, and got honest

Went to aftercare and a meeting on wed night---yesterday was rough, but at least physcially I am feeling better today

Going to get back on the horse and start moving forward

Thanks everyone for your help

My name is Joe----

Justfor1

Wow. I relate. I was sober 9months and had a 1 day "slip" about a month ago & didn't tell anyone in my home group. Got back "on the wagon" and stayed sober for a few weeks and then the wheels fell off this past weekend. A serious vodka/cocaine binge complete with an appearance in the hospital & at the police station. Looking back I should of been honest with everyone that first day I slipped. I was honest here at SR but it's a bit easier because it is online & not in person.

2granddaughters

That's why the F2F meetings are so important.

I don't know you, I can't read your body language... nor look you in the eye.
You are just text on my monitor..

All the best to everyone.

Bob R

Bazzal

Thanks