sugarbear1

Those little lies eat at us like a cavity, if we don't treat it, it just gets bigger and bigger. I've seen the consequences of this kind of behavior. Some aren't here to defend themselves.
Getting authentic is where the real recovery is.
What did your sponsor suggest you do about this with the "home group" you attend?

CarolD

Never...nor will I

You did that once before in order to get a cake.
How did that work out? .

Justfor1

We don't get cakes in my area. Just coins.

miamifella

"Of course, if she finds out I drank then she may cut me off. Which isn't really fair because it is the only thing that really helps my anxiety. "

Okay, I'll bite...how would that not be fair?

davaidavai

Dude

CarolD

Just...
Coins or cake...they are objects to de note milestones.
You were not being honest to your HG then or now

Justfor1

I will be honest with my group soon. Like I said I did tell my best friend, sponser, therapist and mother. That I had to because she saw me staggering around when she was leaving for work. Another "slip" & I will be homeless. Although I would I have the luxury of living in my car instead of on the street. I was honest with my elderly grandmother who I help take care of. I'm learning there is alcoholism on this side of the family as well. Because I'm currently unemployed I think this gives me some purpose & helped me stop this relapse at one day.

awuh1

I think that at least part of the reason you have struggled with slips for ten years may have to do with the self-deceit you seem to be practicing. What were you telling yourself just before you had your slip? That it would not matter? That nobody would find out? This is the sort of thinking that is potentially lethal to alcoholics. The doing more harm part is the pretending that it’s really ok, and that “I will lose my respect and status” is strait on selfishness. To say that telling the truth would “do more harm than good” is self-deception. What will actually do some good is for you to go in and tell the group EXACTLY what happened, and EXACTLY what you were thinking at the time. Then perhaps both you and someone else in the group may learn something from your mistake. THAT is the good that will come out of it.

Elisabeth888

I just want you to be okay and it worries me that you are keeping secrets.

OklaBH

I was going to leave this alone.....

The fact that you are asking for our opinion/approval means you know its wrong.

One of my attempts, I was close to 30 days and "slipped" My AA group knew I would be getting a chip at the Friday meeting. I contemplated just going with it and not telling them. I mean..who would it hurt right? I couldnt do it. I think i broke down (cant remember now) Anyway what I got was better than a chip. Love and understanding from people who appreciated my honesty, knew I was growing as a person and they have all been there.

keithj

Just,
In the time you've been posting, I don't think you've mentioned much, if anything, about actually taking the Steps with a knowledgable sponsor. That action, and that action alone, is the suggested AA program of recovery.

If respect is what you are looking for, I doubt very much that you will find it (or feel it) on the basis of dishonesty. The BB talks about leading a double life, wanting to enjoy a certain reputation and standing, but knowing in our hearts we don't deserve it.

And, the lies get harder to figure out. At some point, you actually started to believe that you've worked the AA program. You also seem to believe that you have 9 months of continuous sobriety, despite posting in November about a 24/7 vodka drinking relapse.

The steps are a way to cut through all that dissonance between what I think I am and what I want to be, with who I really am. Warts and all.

onlythetruth

I've always found the bottom line of my own long-term success in remaining abstinent to be the very simple decision not to drink, period, ever, no matter what.

Perhaps you might want to ponder what your life would be like if you made that decision too.

Mark75

It matters, it matters a lot... I'll tell you why in a minute.

But to digress for a minute... If it doesn't matter to you if you are dishonest with them, why do you care what they think of you because you lied before and you really aren't yet recovering ...... ?

Mixed messages are coming from you in the extreme, but that is probably because you are still drinking and using.

So your honest after the fact, then? If your mother hadn't have seen you staggering around would you have offered the truth? Somehow, I don't think so.

If you really do want to recover... and I wonder, seriously... Do you want it? Can you be honest with yourself and us for a minute? Do you want it? Really want it? Or do you just like chairring meetings and living that double life?

From the begining of the 5th chapter of the 1st ed. of Alcoholics Anonymous :

Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.

Are your chances less than average, Just? I don't think so, myself... It seems to me that there is hope for you, but not until you start being honest.

Now for that thing about being honest other drunks at the clubhouse... They can help you with this, because they have been where you are and can show you the way out... Everyone who identifies as a recovered/recovering alcoholic/addict knows what it means about being dishonest with themselves and others and what it means about finally getting honest. There is hope for you to get recovered... The question on my mind is...

Do you want to?

Sapling

I came into AA a self centered...self seeking..lying...cheating drunk. From reading that book and listening to people that "Got It"...I learned that the truth would set me free. Getting honest with myself was something new to me. And not easy. It takes a set of big ones to work those fourth and fifth steps honestly with a sponsor. But I did it...And I started to feel what freedom was. As they say in the book...I was delighted. I came into AA to change. I have to ask you Justfor1....What did you come into AA for?

wow04

I was gonna leave this alone, but I am unable to.

For 3 years I lied about how much clean time I had. I couldn't keep 5 days. I called them "slips" because I only did it one day. It didn't matter, I drank!

I had to get honest! I had to work the steps and continue to work them. If you want the slips to stop, start working the program.

Jeni26

I'm early in recovery and AA so couldn't quote any of the BB or philosophy that you would be going against.

All I can say is in the past couple of months, I have sat and heard members stories. Real people pouring out their hearts in detail, talking of their regrets and their hopes for the future.

I have been amazed at their bravery, humbled by their honesty and inspired by their willingness to lay their lives open bare. They place trust in those around them, and it helps me to learn to trust others.

I couldn't begin for one minute to think I would lie to them. It would feel like a betrayal.

stugotz

Secrets keep people sick. Just sayin...

bmwcycle

Thank you for this thread. It enforces that reason why I do not keep track of days, months and the years.

Good luck and wishing you the best,

Sapling

I don't think it has anything to do with counting days...I think it's more of a reality check on what capacity to be honest means.

Justfor1

I really want to be a good member of AA. But I feel because I always relapse I am not. I admit I also like being the "big shot" at meetings. I guess thats my ego. I think I'm brilliant AND a piece of crap at the same time.