Back, would like support, but I am still with him
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 344
Back, would like support, but I am still with him
Hi all... back in November, this site was such a help to me and I put together 40+ days sober. Had a bad incident with my abusive husband, and I have fallen apart/fallen off the wagon since then. I've been afraid to come back here because I am still with H -- I know what everyone will say about leaving him, which I haven't done. I isolated myself even more, and went back to my old "friend," booze.
Maybe I need to take one fence at a time. I think getting sober would be the first thing before I try to decide how to proceed with my life. I'm really alone.
The situation has stabilized and I am not in danger. I know how to navigate around him to not cause him anger. I fall back on alcohol to 1) escape the feelings of loneliness and 2) to make myself "bad" enough to keep staying.
I drank pretty much all day today, and want to stop now.
I feel like a loser.
thank you for listening.
Maybe I need to take one fence at a time. I think getting sober would be the first thing before I try to decide how to proceed with my life. I'm really alone.
The situation has stabilized and I am not in danger. I know how to navigate around him to not cause him anger. I fall back on alcohol to 1) escape the feelings of loneliness and 2) to make myself "bad" enough to keep staying.
I drank pretty much all day today, and want to stop now.
I feel like a loser.
thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 321
I once heard that for an alcoholic or addict to remain sober is unnatural. Our natural state is to get loaded and drunk. Instead of feeling shame that you're still drinking, look at it as something to be proud of if you are able to string a couple of hours together. And that's all we can do. If we look at a week from now, we'll feel overwhelmed. And even though you already know this, you need to protect yourself from situations that cause you pain - mental, spiritual, physical or emotional. Yet know that I am not judging you for remaining in a situation that causes you pain, for I have done so many a time. I'm currently IN a relationship with my fiance, and she caused me a great amount of emotional pain by cheating on me last saturday. I do have my reasons for that, however, and have set clear boundaries that if she breaks any of them we are done. It will be painful, but it is what I need to do to protect myself and my clean date.
Now to recovery. Things that work for me are having support that I can talk to when needed. I have meetings that I can go to and listen to similarities, hear some tools and get to see how it has worked for those who use them. I also go to meetings to let others know what I am going through, and maybe get the chance to talk with someone after the meeting who has been through it and hear what they did, and any difficulties they may have faced. Remember - There is NO shame in using something to bury our feelings, for that is something I myself have done for the past nine years. Instead of feeling ashamed of that, I focus on the fact that today I can choose to not pick up, and when I don't I feel proud of myself.
Hope this helps,
Now to recovery. Things that work for me are having support that I can talk to when needed. I have meetings that I can go to and listen to similarities, hear some tools and get to see how it has worked for those who use them. I also go to meetings to let others know what I am going through, and maybe get the chance to talk with someone after the meeting who has been through it and hear what they did, and any difficulties they may have faced. Remember - There is NO shame in using something to bury our feelings, for that is something I myself have done for the past nine years. Instead of feeling ashamed of that, I focus on the fact that today I can choose to not pick up, and when I don't I feel proud of myself.
Hope this helps,
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome back....
I'm glad you remembered we are here...and certainly hope you will
soon quit drinking....
perhaps going back to your previous posts will urge you on?
All my best
I'm glad you remembered we are here...and certainly hope you will
soon quit drinking....
perhaps going back to your previous posts will urge you on?
All my best
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 344
Thanks, you guys. I really need you.
What can convince me to stop drinking now? I pretty much say every night that I should stop this, but I continue with the slow suicide.
Steven, thank you so much for telling whats going on with you. I'm so impressed that you are staying your own course in the face of hurt. That is so strong.
I'm going to keep checking in here ... my daily life is so isolated. I have 2 jobs right now, but each is a solitary thing, no one else to see or report to. I literally go days without talking to anyone. A "hello/how are you" to the person selling me wine (I go to different stores every day in the stupid belief that no one would catch on to how big a wino I am). Sometimes I look at my cell phone, and just wonder why I even have it -- I have no one to call.
Ugh, enough pity party... I really am feeling sorry for myself right now.
What can convince me to stop drinking now? I pretty much say every night that I should stop this, but I continue with the slow suicide.
Steven, thank you so much for telling whats going on with you. I'm so impressed that you are staying your own course in the face of hurt. That is so strong.
I'm going to keep checking in here ... my daily life is so isolated. I have 2 jobs right now, but each is a solitary thing, no one else to see or report to. I literally go days without talking to anyone. A "hello/how are you" to the person selling me wine (I go to different stores every day in the stupid belief that no one would catch on to how big a wino I am). Sometimes I look at my cell phone, and just wonder why I even have it -- I have no one to call.
Ugh, enough pity party... I really am feeling sorry for myself right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 321
For me, the bad times turned into a big motivation to change. And know that change is possible! No matter how insurmountable an obstacle seems, there is a way over it or through it, one day at a time. I'd highly recommend trying AA, if nothing else then to get some real life people to call on that cell phone of yours that can relate to you, people you can be brutally honest with that will not shun you or belittle you, but rather hold you up, tell you their experience and what helped get them through it. That's one of the biggest things I use the rooms for; to meet people that can help me 
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 248
Hi Samantha-
It sounds like you have some excellent insights into your problem. I think your point about making yourself "bad" enough to stay with him is dead on for many of us alcoholics and addicts in abusive relationships. I was in one and I know I did thinks to try to outdo my (now) ex-husband - sometimes to hurt him and sometimes to hurt me for being "stupid" enough to take the abuse.
Keep coming back. You definitely aren't the only one who is back after a relapse! I started getting sober in 2004 and I have relapsed 3 times! Keep quitting until it sticks, that is what I say.
It sounds like you have some excellent insights into your problem. I think your point about making yourself "bad" enough to stay with him is dead on for many of us alcoholics and addicts in abusive relationships. I was in one and I know I did thinks to try to outdo my (now) ex-husband - sometimes to hurt him and sometimes to hurt me for being "stupid" enough to take the abuse.
Keep coming back. You definitely aren't the only one who is back after a relapse! I started getting sober in 2004 and I have relapsed 3 times! Keep quitting until it sticks, that is what I say.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Hi, Samantha. I'm sorry to hear you're still suffering, but glad you're back here.
Elisabeth is right—alcohol is a depressant. Do yourself a favor and don't trust those dark feelings right now. Because the thing is: you're doing something about it. I also agree with Jill—you sound really self-aware. So pat yourself on the back, because you're already moving in the right direction. And scratch the whole idea of being alone off your list of worries, because you're not alone at all. There are lots of folks here who have been where you are before, and lots of folks who are going through the same thing as you right now.
Elisabeth is right—alcohol is a depressant. Do yourself a favor and don't trust those dark feelings right now. Because the thing is: you're doing something about it.
I also agree with Jill—you sound really self-aware. So pat yourself on the back, because you're already moving in the right direction. And scratch the whole idea of being alone off your list of worries, because you're not alone at all. There are lots of folks here who have been where you are before, and lots of folks who are going through the same thing as you right now. Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
What can convince me to stop drinking now?
Fan that spark in you that wants something different in your life.
Quitting drinking is the first step.
You've done it before - I know you can do it again
D
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
I could relate with not wanting anyone around me so much that I had isolated myself.
If I kept people away, they couldn't find anything out about me.
I allowed a mate, only because he allowed me to do what I did and I needed him.
Even today, I have a really hard time with relationships.
I keep people away today. I think it is some sort of defense I learned.
The good news is that we can still pursue sobriety even with the situations we have created for ourselves.
If I kept people away, they couldn't find anything out about me.
I allowed a mate, only because he allowed me to do what I did and I needed him.
Even today, I have a really hard time with relationships.
I keep people away today. I think it is some sort of defense I learned.
The good news is that we can still pursue sobriety even with the situations we have created for ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
AA Thought for the Day
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing.
Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?
Meditation for the Day
I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it God cannot give me this power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when it is used in the right way.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary. I pray that I may be fit to receive God's power in my life.
you are not a loser, just a sick person. but there is a solution!!!
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing.
Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?
Meditation for the Day
I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it God cannot give me this power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when it is used in the right way.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary. I pray that I may be fit to receive God's power in my life.
you are not a loser, just a sick person. but there is a solution!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 344
Wow, what an amazing group of people! I truly appreciate all of your words.
When I've been sober before, I was really proud of myself. Had moments of feeling happy (which I don't have now), and was so glad to be free of the shame and regret.... also the lies. I slept so much better. I was less afraid.
Thanks for asking that question. It's good to remember this.
Also, I appreciate knowing about isolation and how that works for others.
Last time I quit for a while, I did so because I became so sick that I thought I would die. Something really went wrong physically. I haven't had that happen again, though I do have abdominal pain and mental fuzziness (plus shame and all the rest).
There's sort of a moment when I'm resolved to stop. When it just becomes a decision to be done... and then it's not white knuckling or willpower anymore, it's just clearer and better. I'm not totally to that point yet.
When I've been sober before, I was really proud of myself. Had moments of feeling happy (which I don't have now), and was so glad to be free of the shame and regret.... also the lies. I slept so much better. I was less afraid.
Thanks for asking that question. It's good to remember this.
Also, I appreciate knowing about isolation and how that works for others.
Last time I quit for a while, I did so because I became so sick that I thought I would die. Something really went wrong physically. I haven't had that happen again, though I do have abdominal pain and mental fuzziness (plus shame and all the rest).
There's sort of a moment when I'm resolved to stop. When it just becomes a decision to be done... and then it's not white knuckling or willpower anymore, it's just clearer and better. I'm not totally to that point yet.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
Greetings and salutations SamanthaIam - My Name is Fred G and I'm an Alcoholic -Quitting my addiction was never a question of will power, had LOTS of that. My problem was, as someone else pointed out, as an alcoholic, it was natural for me to be in a drunk state. I didn't know how to be anything else, and I certainly couldn't do it on my own.
It would be easy to blame my alcoholism/drug addiction on growing up, abuse, and lots of other situations. As a matter of fact, I DID use all of those excuses and more, but in the end it was me that picked up the drink.
My last drunk, I had been at a party in the country and my buddy and I decided to cruise to a local town for munchies. I can't remember anything after that, although we climbed into my truck, drove 15 kms, cruised the town, did some LSD, and were on the way back to the party when I flew off the road at over 80 mph, bounced off the back of the ditch, glanced off a power pole, did and end for end and landed at right angles to the highway. All of this was pieced together afterward because I still don't remember any of it. Next thing I remembered was arguing with the police about whether or not I'd rolled my truck. Luckily neither myself, nor my friend were hurt seriously, even though I took the truck's windshield out with my head. BUT it was God's intervention that stopped me from killing someone in my drunken/drugged stupor.
I have now put together 12,491 days of sobriety and about 1,079,270,496 sober heartbeats with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous. They helped me to learn how to live. They taught me how to change my habits. They taught me how to be happy.
If you haven't already - go to a meeting - A.A. - N.A. - C.A. - whatever, but go. Ask someone there for help.
If you can't do that, keep on this forum. If you keep typing with both hands, it doesn't leave you any to hold the glass.
I've never met you, good chance I never will. I haven't experienced the same things you have, just like you haven't experienced a lot of the things I've done (Thank God for that) but I still have a strong bond with you. My Name is Fred G and I'm an Alcoholic
It would be easy to blame my alcoholism/drug addiction on growing up, abuse, and lots of other situations. As a matter of fact, I DID use all of those excuses and more, but in the end it was me that picked up the drink.
My last drunk, I had been at a party in the country and my buddy and I decided to cruise to a local town for munchies. I can't remember anything after that, although we climbed into my truck, drove 15 kms, cruised the town, did some LSD, and were on the way back to the party when I flew off the road at over 80 mph, bounced off the back of the ditch, glanced off a power pole, did and end for end and landed at right angles to the highway. All of this was pieced together afterward because I still don't remember any of it. Next thing I remembered was arguing with the police about whether or not I'd rolled my truck. Luckily neither myself, nor my friend were hurt seriously, even though I took the truck's windshield out with my head. BUT it was God's intervention that stopped me from killing someone in my drunken/drugged stupor.
I have now put together 12,491 days of sobriety and about 1,079,270,496 sober heartbeats with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous. They helped me to learn how to live. They taught me how to change my habits. They taught me how to be happy.
If you haven't already - go to a meeting - A.A. - N.A. - C.A. - whatever, but go. Ask someone there for help.
If you can't do that, keep on this forum. If you keep typing with both hands, it doesn't leave you any to hold the glass.
I've never met you, good chance I never will. I haven't experienced the same things you have, just like you haven't experienced a lot of the things I've done (Thank God for that) but I still have a strong bond with you. My Name is Fred G and I'm an Alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 344
I'm still here, but haven't stopped drinking again yet.
Husband is on a business trip right now. He travels a lot. My resolve goes to **** when he is away because I think I can drink all the time and not get "caught." But it is worse when he is here because he constantly wants to drink and offers me some.
Last year when i quit for a time, he was gone the whole time. I actually had a month+ of doing my own thing, taking care of myself, re-discovering life, and I even ran a 5K! something I used to do all the time before I met him.
I dried out painfully and kept it together until he got back... I went to a bar with him thinking I could handle it -- I had done so many, many times before, ordering a grapefruit juice or tomato juice while he had his scotch or whatever. That night we went to a pub to watch our local teams, I only ordered juice and water... but then when our local team won, the bar passed out free shots to everyone. I thought, ehhhh, just one!
From there we went on a pub crawl, and I thought, ehhhhh, just tonight!
From there, I loaded up for 2 days, which ended in him assaulting me, breaking my ribs and sternum, bruising head, arms and legs, and ripping hair out of my head.
The day after this beating, we were scheduled to go on a sailing trip with some friends... and I went... and I hurt so bad I couldn't stand it. Breathing hurt, coughing was agony, the bruises were everywhere, every movement of the boat hurt like hell. I was in some sort of shock, and some craziness, because I kept his secret best I could and pretended all was normal. Those people still believe that I am afraid of water because I had such a hard time -- they wanted to anchor the sailboat and everyone was supposed to swim out to a rock where the snorkeling was good. I panicked, knowing that I could not possibly swim, the arm motions needed to swim would be so painful, the cracked sternum made any motion so painful, I thought I would drown. I was scared to death ... but I jumped in anyway, all (stupidly) to not reveal my real problem to the shipmates. I don't know why, but I could not say to them, "the reason I can't swim is because H beat the **** out of me" -- partly because I knew they wouldn't believe me, because they think he is Super Wonderful & Kind -- although the huge bruises on my chest and arms must have raised some curiosity. Still, no one asked. There were 6 of us on the boat, and no one asked. I instead used a float/noodle thingy and used the excuse that I am not a good swimmer, and even with that it was terrifying and extremely painful. I endured all this pain and humiliation just to protect H... and also to protect myself, because no one, surely, would believe stupid me.
And yeah, the boat was stocked with tons of booze, cocktails were mandatory, and when we came into various islands we'd go to dinner and drink more. I tried for the first couple of days to NOT drink on the pretense that I get seasick... but soon, I went with it. Drinking did ease the pain.
Back from that trip, I drove to the local clinic to have x-rays, but (small town) I spotted the car of someone our family knows very well, and I chickened out. Again, no one should know our shame, right?
Instead, I just kept drinking in secret... the one thing that eased my pain and loneliness. Do you know what it is like to not be believed? To be in terrible pain and have no one who will listen sincerely? No one who will not say, "you're crazy!"
That's been more than 6 months ago, and I have been abusing alcohol ever since. In secret. Most of the time, I can pull it off -- no one knows or cares.
I've written this story down a few times, intending to send it to a friend or someone. Not doing so well on dealing with the silence after abuse or the pollyanna face I have to put on just to maintain some peace.
The awful thing is, I'm abusing myself every single day, ruining my health and shutting off my options with alcohol.
I know this.
But each day I am also faced with so much disapproval and hatred, that I keep going back to just drinking, spacing out, getting through the day undetected as a drunk. I was once a very attractive woman, very into fitness (maybe that is why I had the pride about people thinking I couldn't swim or was afraid of water -- I've never turned down a physical challenge until lately)... now I just almost feel like it would be OK if I checked out before I hurt anyone else, disappoint anyone else.
Again, thank you for listening -- to anyone who actually read through this load of self-pitying, bloviating, idiotic drivel. May God bless you if you read this!
thank you.
Husband is on a business trip right now. He travels a lot. My resolve goes to **** when he is away because I think I can drink all the time and not get "caught." But it is worse when he is here because he constantly wants to drink and offers me some.
Last year when i quit for a time, he was gone the whole time. I actually had a month+ of doing my own thing, taking care of myself, re-discovering life, and I even ran a 5K! something I used to do all the time before I met him.
I dried out painfully and kept it together until he got back... I went to a bar with him thinking I could handle it -- I had done so many, many times before, ordering a grapefruit juice or tomato juice while he had his scotch or whatever. That night we went to a pub to watch our local teams, I only ordered juice and water... but then when our local team won, the bar passed out free shots to everyone. I thought, ehhhh, just one!
From there we went on a pub crawl, and I thought, ehhhhh, just tonight!
From there, I loaded up for 2 days, which ended in him assaulting me, breaking my ribs and sternum, bruising head, arms and legs, and ripping hair out of my head.
The day after this beating, we were scheduled to go on a sailing trip with some friends... and I went... and I hurt so bad I couldn't stand it. Breathing hurt, coughing was agony, the bruises were everywhere, every movement of the boat hurt like hell. I was in some sort of shock, and some craziness, because I kept his secret best I could and pretended all was normal. Those people still believe that I am afraid of water because I had such a hard time -- they wanted to anchor the sailboat and everyone was supposed to swim out to a rock where the snorkeling was good. I panicked, knowing that I could not possibly swim, the arm motions needed to swim would be so painful, the cracked sternum made any motion so painful, I thought I would drown. I was scared to death ... but I jumped in anyway, all (stupidly) to not reveal my real problem to the shipmates. I don't know why, but I could not say to them, "the reason I can't swim is because H beat the **** out of me" -- partly because I knew they wouldn't believe me, because they think he is Super Wonderful & Kind -- although the huge bruises on my chest and arms must have raised some curiosity. Still, no one asked. There were 6 of us on the boat, and no one asked. I instead used a float/noodle thingy and used the excuse that I am not a good swimmer, and even with that it was terrifying and extremely painful. I endured all this pain and humiliation just to protect H... and also to protect myself, because no one, surely, would believe stupid me.
And yeah, the boat was stocked with tons of booze, cocktails were mandatory, and when we came into various islands we'd go to dinner and drink more. I tried for the first couple of days to NOT drink on the pretense that I get seasick... but soon, I went with it. Drinking did ease the pain.
Back from that trip, I drove to the local clinic to have x-rays, but (small town) I spotted the car of someone our family knows very well, and I chickened out. Again, no one should know our shame, right?
Instead, I just kept drinking in secret... the one thing that eased my pain and loneliness. Do you know what it is like to not be believed? To be in terrible pain and have no one who will listen sincerely? No one who will not say, "you're crazy!"
That's been more than 6 months ago, and I have been abusing alcohol ever since. In secret. Most of the time, I can pull it off -- no one knows or cares.
I've written this story down a few times, intending to send it to a friend or someone. Not doing so well on dealing with the silence after abuse or the pollyanna face I have to put on just to maintain some peace.
The awful thing is, I'm abusing myself every single day, ruining my health and shutting off my options with alcohol.
I know this.
But each day I am also faced with so much disapproval and hatred, that I keep going back to just drinking, spacing out, getting through the day undetected as a drunk. I was once a very attractive woman, very into fitness (maybe that is why I had the pride about people thinking I couldn't swim or was afraid of water -- I've never turned down a physical challenge until lately)... now I just almost feel like it would be OK if I checked out before I hurt anyone else, disappoint anyone else.
Again, thank you for listening -- to anyone who actually read through this load of self-pitying, bloviating, idiotic drivel. May God bless you if you read this!
thank you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
From there, I loaded up for 2 days, which ended in him assaulting me, breaking my ribs and sternum, bruising head, arms and legs, and ripping hair out of my head.
It is not self-pitying, bloviating, idiotic drivel. It is someone who is being abused reaching out for help. I hope you know that you deserve much better than this.
Please contact a domestic violence center. You don't have to do anything other than talk to them. Learn how they can help you.
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1−800−799−SAFE(7233)
It is not self-pitying, bloviating, idiotic drivel. It is someone who is being abused reaching out for help. I hope you know that you deserve much better than this.
Please contact a domestic violence center. You don't have to do anything other than talk to them. Learn how they can help you.
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1−800−799−SAFE(7233)
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