Hollyanne

Do you realize that you haven't TRIED to talk to anyone?
You simply are so convinced that you won't be believed or heard even?
Do you have any family? A strong older lady friend? Anyone?
You need to get out of this situation ASAP.
He has beaten you severely and gotten clean away with it. He will do it again.
Please do not be a statistic. Start making a plan now to leave. Call someone now.
It is an illusion that no one will believe you. A simple illusion.

StevenT

From what I can see, and from what Ive read, you know what you have to do. You see the insanity that you are going through by staying with him, and you know there is a way out. But from what I can see, you aren't sure what action to take, and don't really want to take action. Its simple, but not easy. You have to let real life people, who can help you physically, know what is going on. Whether it be family or friends, strangers or someone else, you have to make first contact and ask for help. God will provide the right person to help you. That is the first step. Removing yourself from the situation. Removing yourself from him. To receive help you HAVE to be willing to help yourself.

You will be in my prayers.

Dee74

Sometimes I think the biggest lie alcohol sells is when it whispers in your ear that it's your only friend and nothing else will work.

You deserve better on so many levels Sam.

You said this at the start of this thread:
I really hope you decide to start soon...every journey starts with a single step - not drinking could be the start of yours?

D

Miela

(((SamanthaIam))), I completely understand where you're coming from. I am also in an abusive relationship (nursing some broken ribs right now too) and am still living with it. My partner is also loved by everyone. If only they knew... I know how scary it can be to even think about leaving. I wish I could be of more help but I have no idea where I am supposed to get the strength to leave myself. I have started seeing a therapist who specialises in domestic violence. Would that be possible for you?

Perhaps you are right - taking one fence at a time. Keep posting and take it one hour at a time. We are here for you.

M x

FredG

Hi again SamantaIam - I'm not known for mincing words and I'm not going to start now. I read what you wrote in it's entirity - You say no one will listen sincerely ? REALLY ... seems to me everyone on this thread believes you!! We're also trying to give you some sage advice.

According to your story, you seem to be able to work on your drinking problem when he's not around and any time he's around he uses you as a punching bag! So the answer to your problem is easy - doing it ... not so much but there IS lots of help out there.

Don't know where you live, but it doesn't matter - There ARE facilities that help people in abusive situations. We have one here called Harbour House. They help ladies in exactly the situation that you're in. Everything from offering a safe place to go where he can't reach you to legal advice. I know there's one somewhere around where you are. Find it!! Ask their advice!!

If you can't go there - go find an A.A. meeting or Alanon (although A.A. would help the most) either one of which is filled with beautiful careing people that can help you.

ABOVE ALL - you are NOT to blame for him using you to take out his anger. I am aware of the psychological things that go on in these situations, so I know that thought run's through your mind. I worked ambulance for over 14 years. THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU COULD SAY OR DO THAT WOULD WARRANT HIS BEHAVIOUR..

It's HIS behaviour, not yours. The only thing wrong with your behaviour is that you are allowing him to have this power over you.

Take it from one who knows - the only thing the drinking does is allow you to hide from what's happening. As soon as you sober up, reality hits again. Take your life back. Wouldn't it be nice to see life through eyes not clouded by alcohol, pain, and suffering? No one on this site or anywhere else can start this process. You have to start it ! From what you're saying in this thread it looks like you want to. Once you do there is a wealth of individuals that love you and care for you that will help on every step of the way.

I AM a man - I was brought up believing that the only emotion that I was allowed to show was anger. I learned well and it wasn't until I was closing on 40 that I realized what I was taught was totally wrong. I actually cried for the very first time since I'd gotten out of diapers at 41.

I've totally ripped apart and destroyed material things showing my feelings of anger, while my wife and son watched, both cowering in fear. I will remember till the day I die, the look of abject terror on their faces. I immediatly sought help and voluntarily underwent 6 months of Psychiatric councilling. MY issues NOT theirs. Get it?

When this happened I had been sober and in A.A. for a number of years already or I probably wouldn't have cared. Not saying your hubby has an issue with alcohol but he definitly has issues that are affecting your life. You CAN'T do anything about HIS issues, but you CAN remove yourself from them. It's my belief that you need to leave him - don't walk - RUN!!

If you want help finding the places that can help - ask someone - us - police - social services - we're all here for you ... but you need to ask and then take the advice given.

CarolD

Welcome to one of our newer members....FredG.
::;

SamanthaIam

Thanks again, everyone. I will answer more fully, but first, Hollyanne,

I have tried for years to talk to people. It backfired on me every time. When I have told the truth, people start edging nervously away... no one wants to hear it. One woman -- wife of a friend of my husband's -- said "I just couldn't be around you. I just couldn't listen to you."

My friends and acquaintances all seemed to think I was weird, and none supported or believed me. I am not just making this up. This is from my experience of what really happened. I have no friends left. Every single one abandoned me.

Oddly, my family of origin has cut me off, too. When I ask them what's wrong, they just get all passive aggressive and say nothing is wrong, except that there must be something wrong with me for thinking something is wrong. I have 4 brothers and 1 sister, and none of them ever call me or visit me. When I call and visit them, they act strange, stilted, awkward around me.

I do NOT know what it is that is so repellent about me! I wish some one of them would just explain.

I do try very hard to always be kind, respectful, calm, understanding, caring. I never become argumentative or even the slightest bit unpleasant; on the contrary, I always place the others' needs or wishes or perspective ahead of my own.

Still, my life is marked by rejection. I don't know why this is so, I just know that it is.

I've come to believe that for some reason, I am not meant to have support or relationship in my life.

SamanthaIam

That all being said, I want to thank you all so much for hearing... for giving me some hope.

You're right, Fred G, all of you have listened and are engaged in this discussion with me. It means so very much to me.

Thank you.

FredG

People have a hard time dealing with trauma - MOST will have as little to do with it as they can, mostly because they haven't a clue what to DO about it. Some don't like to believe bad things about someone they know, so won't listen to anyone saying bad things about them. So long story short, it's not you that's repellent to them, it's what your saying to them. Sooo... don't tell these things to THEM. They're the wrong people anyway, and will believe whatever they want to believe. Hell I've got sister that still believes I'm lying about drinking. Still believes I'm drinking despite 34 years of happy sobriety. Bottom line is ... you can't change them.

You can only change yourself. So far all you've been trying to change is everyone else. You say "I always place the others' needs or wishes or perspective ahead of my own." ! Time to stop this and start placing YOUR needs and wishes ahead of everyone and everything else. You can't do this on your own so GET HELP!! Not from family and friends, they have no idea how to help, that's why they look the other way. The place to get help is from people that have been there, done that, and bought several t-shirts to prove it.

AGAIN I say ... look at this conversation thread. ALL these people, including myself, have experienced all or part of what you're going through, ALL of these people, myself included, want to help, and ALL of these people, including myself are offering suggestions. DON'T reject all of us

Maybe you need to talk to someone who's specifically trained for your situation. If so I can get you a number ( unfortunatly in my area, so long distance ). One of my friends has a wife who has specialized in domestic violence and alcoholism, that I could put you in touch with. She wouldn't necessarily even have to know your name.

It'd be better though if you had someone local to you that you could turn to.

Today's a good day - quit typing - start acting - If you've been drinking, call the local women's shelter, police, or both, especially if he's around. Ask them for help, and be honest about you're situation. If you haven't been drinking, walk out the door, get in your car, take the bus or grab a cab, and get to your local womens shelter NOW. It's only a matter of time before it's more than a broken rib or 2.

Bottom line - We believe you - We want to help. - We're all making what we consider good judgement calls. It's up to you if you want to take any or all of what we're saying and act on it ... and we definitely care :ghug3

FredG

Miela - you're in the same boat and have started the path out of it. If you want strength, we're here. If you believe in a Higher Power, ( I choose to call Him God ) look to Him for the strength. ...But get your butt out of the situation before you end up a statistic that Dr.Phill uses on his show to illustrate a point.

SamanthaIam

Thank you, Fred. I hear you and I appreciate your input very much. Thanks especially for sharing your story.

Tough trip through paradise, as we say out here in the rockies.

SamanthaIam

Again, thank you all -- I am calling in all reinforcements right now. You're all so important to me. I need you.

Look, I brought up the domestic violence, and I needed to tell that story. But right now, what I really need help with is the alcohol. First things first, and I know all of you here know infinitely more than I do about conquering this.

While I am a drunk, there is no way I can address the domestic violence piece. I myself got arrested for trying to report assaults while I was drunk. YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT, but the TRUTH IS a woman will NOT be believed if she has alcohol in her system.

I have called the police when beaten bloody, but because I was drinking, all they would do was quarantine me in the ER until my BAC came down to a place where some psychiatrist who never met me before could declare me sane enough to go home.

I was a volunteer at my local women's shelter. And I know they will call the police if a woman has even a drop of alcohol in her system. She will be incarcerated, not helped.

So look, all I mean to say is, let's deal with the alcohol piece first -- let's everyone refrain from saying LEAVE HIM LEAVE HIM -- because the truth is, an alcoholic cannot receive fair treatment or safety from police or shelters in my community. TRUST ME, I've tried to do it, and it does not work.

What I really need help with is the alcoholism.

I brought up the domestic violence only because I wanted someone to hear me.

I really appreciate all of you, and I hope you see that this is a loophole in the system.... YES there are resources for abused women, but alcoholic abused women, not so much.

The message is, if you drink, you ******* deserve it! and conversely, because you deserve it (bitch), you drink.

Sorry, I do not wish to seem ungrateful. Please keep talking to me. For once, I won't run away because everyone says GO TO POLICE, GO TO SHELTER....

it is more complicated.

Many, many thanks,
sam

suki44883

Okay, how about...Go to AA, get a sponsor, work the steps. Do NOT drink, even if your ass falls off. Do.not.drink.

SamanthaIam

Yes, Suki. That is the answer. Do not drink.

Will you help me?

suki44883

That's what we are all here for, Sam. Whenever you feel weak, come here and post. There is almost always someone here. Let us help you.

FredG

Alright, you know your situation better than any of us - Get yourself sober - as Suki says - Go to AA, get a sponsor, work the steps. Do NOT drink, even if your ass falls off. Do.not.drink.

String together some sober heartbeats. 1 day at a time, 1 hour at a time or even 1 minute at a time.

What can we do to help?

bjhallgrav

Hi Samantha, I know where you are coming from - my first marriage was a lot like that & he drank almost as much as I did. The best & most courageous thing I ever did was leave his sorry butt and get on with my own life.

Unfortunately I continued to drink alcoholically for about another 15 years, so his abuse was Not why I drank, although it was a handy excuse at the time & absolved me of all responsibility for my bad choices - turned out I drank simply because I had become an alcoholic & alcoholics drink.

My solution turned out to be getting rid of Both the abusive spouse AND the bottle, not either/or.

So that's two separate problems, spousal abuse & alcoholism and the abuse may have originally made the alcoholism active but plz be Really careful that you don't hide the alcohol problem Behind the abuse. ie "I drink because he abuses me therefore I can't stop drinking". This effectively takes the responsibility from ourselves & points to another, in which case the problem remains unsolvable and we continue to drink to the gates of insanity & death.

Have you tried a 30 or 60 day treatment center program? This could solve the two main problems, his abuse and your alcoholism, in getting you away from him for a few weeks to work on your own alcohol problem.

The only way I was able to finally quit drinking for good was to 'step out of my daily life' by going to a treatment center and start working on My own problems by working the steps of the AA program. I no longer need to blame others for my own choices and I no longer allow any other person to mistreat me because I've finally learned to love and respect myself.

You CAN be free but you need to make that choice for yourself today. I pray you find the peace and serenity that you truly deserve.
Barb G

Miela

(((FredG))), thank you for your words of encouragement and congratulations on your lengthy sobriety, it's very motivating.

(((Samantha))), My family are exactly the same. Although they now know about the violence (I'd no choice in telling them as my child and I had to take refuge in their home once after a particularly vicious attack), they just pretend it's not happening, never talk about it and they seem so uncomfortable around me. They never visit, ever. My friends are gone too but I've isolated myself for years so I guess they got sick and tired trying.

I agree with you: get the alcohol sorted first. Just take it one hour at a time right now and we are right here behind you I also agree with what you've said about the police. I've thankfully only called them once while drunk and it was a completely different experience to calling them sober. They treat you like sh*t. Sober, to be honest, is really luck of the draw. I've had some amazing police officers, one in particular who called me a few days later to see if I was OK and even came to court for me (after doing 3 night shifts). I've also had some awful experiences with the police sober.
I've found this article helpful in making sense of why we find it so hard to leave and how we can become 'addicted' to abuse:
The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma You may not identify with it but I certainly did.

Please reach out for some real time help, whether it's AA, your GP or some counselling services. I know you are not ready to tackle the domestic violence piece right now, and I completely respect and understand that - I'm in the same boat - but please call a DV helpline. They are great and they are just another voice at the end of the phone who understands, will support you and, most importantly, will not judge you. They understand that putting pressure on you to 'just leave' is the last thing you need so will not force you to do anything you're not ready for.

Hang in there Samantha.

M x

SamanthaIam

bjhallgray, don't worry... I understand what you said about not hiding the alcoholism behind the abuse. What I know I am doing, in fact, is drinking so that I deserve abuse... sick as that sounds, I am drinking to make myself bad enough to stay.

It's not right, and I aim not to continue this. I just mean to say I am not blaming someone else for my problem.

bjhallgrav

I surely do wish you the best Samantha, just don't give up on yourself ok. You CAN get sober one day at a time. I know because I came into AA in 1982 & it took me 12 years to get my first full year sober because as much as I wanted to stop drinking I also wanted desperately to drink!
It was a horrible place to be & I gave up on myself many times but eventually things got bad enough that I wanted to be sober & get my life together More than I wanted to drink - but I had to hurt pretty bad before I got to that place. I don't want that for you.
Barb G
:ghug3