THEOjibway

It's driving me insane. I still haven't had the guts to tell her that I struggled with alcohol for 7 years. Last night we got together to go see The Avengers which btw was an awesome movie we both loved it. But I couldn't muster it up again. I guess it's because we were in public and I just didn't want to make it out in public. After the movie we were walking while waiting for our ride to come pick us up and we walked around the AMC plaza. I felt a cue to tell her and I breathed in and went to say something and then she turned and looked at me and hugged me for a long time. I lost the courage there. This feeling I'm getting is just like the old feeling of disappointment in telling my parents that I drank again. It's something I know I must do to show my faith in her, my trust in her but also to show her that she can trust me. Next Saturday (Not this saturday) iis our half year anniversary of dating and I just know I can't commit to telling her then for it may ruin the mood. Shes coming back to my place next monday and my parents are actually going on vacation to California and trusting me... well more of the fact that my money will be away for safety reasons (always drank secretly when they go away in the past) and they told me I was allowed to have her come over to visit because they think I'm old enough to not need adult supervision... short story when I was 18 and I was dating a 16 year old we weren't allowed to see each other when no parents were around (afraid our hormones would get the best of us and have sex) but now being 27 and being mature they know they don't need to worry a bout the 2 of us lol. But I feel this should be the time to let her know. How should I approach this everyone? Should I sit her down and talk to her about it before our day plans on Monday? Or hang out for awhile and do whatever then tell her? How should I do this? And why am I so afraid to tell her? SHe knows the sober me and not the drunk me. And she likes me for today.

tomsteve

my man, you have asked these questions a few times over the last few months. IMO, yer makin a mountain out of a mole hill. you may be 27, but yer maturity level is right around the age where you took your first drink( take that how ya wanna, but its the same for all of us.)
it's your choice whether ya want to make it into a drama or not. talk to your sponsor( you say in other threads you are in AA, so i hope you have a sponsor by now). ask your higher power in prayer, then shut up and listen for the reply.

Deserto

Does she not drink? In six months together, has she not noticed that you don't drink? Is it possibly she already knows and, as tomsteve says, you're making a mountain out of a molehill?

I'd say just tell her on Monday. But you seem torn between two scenarios. The first is that you want to tell her and have her not be spooked by it. The second is you want to tell her and have her understand that as a deepening of your emotional intimacy. I think while both could come true, they're a bit at odds with each other.

There are a million ways to tell her, from casually mentioning a meeting to sitting her down and saying you have something important to tell her. I can't tell you which would work best with her, but choose one and then go for it.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

hypochondriac

I can see why you'd find this hard Ojibway...Do you feel like you have to tell her? I'm sure I would if I was in a relationship because I consider it part of who I am... but the likelihood is that she will not understand the significance of what you're saying. Have you considered what her reaction may be and how you will deal with it? x

THEOjibway

of course this is a big deal Tom. I haven't ever had to deal with this in the past. I am very mature thank you very much I drank late. 22. I am in AA yes, and I have talked to my sponsor yes, he said he isn't one to give advice on relationships. I haven't ever had to do this kind of thing in the past as I have said. This is very new and nerve racking for me so thank you hypochondriac for being gentle on the matter instead of saying I've been complaining about in my posts and to shut up about it. Tom if you're in aa then you know well if it annoys you then move on and don't go telling me to shut up I can post freely if I want if something is bothering me, isn't that the point? get it out and get help?

. Hypochondriac.... such a long name to type out lol. I feel I do have to tell her because we've been together for 6 months now and I should have told her a little earlier but I was more worried of the fact that my relationships in the past didn't last long so I wanted to see if we would be together for awhile and then let her know. As for how to deal with her reaction? I haven't considered it yet. I will think on it though. thanks for some feedback

CarolD

Have you read page 119 in our 12&12?
What is your goal with this relationship?


I don't do relationship problems iether...

GetItTogether

Look at it this way...

You're obviously going through torment by not being upfront about your addiction. If you honestly love her stop being dishonest and just tell her. If she doesn't react well then she's not right for you. You need someone in your life that will support your choices.

Gottalife

I can just reiterate my thoughts on this based on my experience, why tell someone about a problem that is not a problem. One thing I have to watch out for is the "looking for sympathy" motive. I made that mistake more than once where I tell someone I have this terrible affliction, and then try to use my "handicap" to justify some poor behaviour on my part. Right now she accepts you as you are, a nice sober man. It's not necessarily dishonest to not tell her. It has no bearing on your relationship unless you decide to give up your recovery. On the other hand I can see quite a lot of potential for dishonesty in telling her. Perhaps some inventory is called for. Using all the self honesty you can muster, what is your real motive? What do you stand to gain? What does she stand to gain or lose?
I like the sound of your sponsor. I stay away from relationship advise in AA as that is not what AA is for. We are only there to solve our common problem. AA doesn't have the answers to anything else.

As tomsteve said, prayer is an excellent way of approaching troubling issues. I didn't get that he was telling you to shuit up about this issue, I thought he was making a useful suggestion about how to pray (ask for God's help) and meditate (quietly listen for the answer) It's amazing how well this works, but the most important part is listening for the answer.

jimihendrix

Has she been affected by your drinking?
Has she known you as a drinker?
Has she ever asked about the fact that you don't drink?

If it was me, I wouldn't tell her... and if I was her, I don't think I'd want to know. If you're not drinking and it's not an issue, why make it an issue?

Many (most?) people don't understand alcoholism and it's asking too much to expect them to understand. Just live your life the best you can and show by your actions that you're a non-drinker.

JustARide

If you feel you have to tell her...

then don't look at it as having to admit something to her...as if it is something bad, or some failure on your part.

Instead look at it is something good. A problem you had in the past that you recognized, took actions to correct, and have been successful at overcoming. If you see it that way when you tell her then hopefully she'll see it that way as well.

THEOjibway

I guess... but I just think it's all about being honest with someone. I can't keep telling her i'm not free on thursday nights. I used "I'm going to see my family that night like cousins etc" I hate lying so thats why I feel I should let her know.

THEOjibway

Everyone. You know what? I never thought of it as that way. Thinking I had to admit a problem that isn't a problem anymore. But in the end I still the trust needs to be there so I may tell her some of my issues I had in the past and how much I have changed. She does only know the sober me and never once has seen me drunk nor will she and as for Tom. Sorry Tom, I realized I misread your comment, you weren't telling me to shut up directly you just meant when I speak to my higher power.

jimihendrix, i answered no to your questions. You're right if drinking isn't an issue here why make it one? But I still stand that I can't keep it hidden for if I do, I DO show I am ashamed and keeping things from her, she's told me so much of her troubles she's had, like her mother trying to commit suicide and was unsuccessful that was a huge deal to share with me and she says its all new to her to open up like that. So I at least owe her some of my struggles I had myself. So thanks everyone for the comment and I will stop posting the same issue here lol. ttyl and hugs to my friends

TSDD

Try this, next time you're going out to a meeting, just tell her "I'm going to a meeting". If she lets it go, don't say any more, if she asks, say "an AA meeting, I'm an ex-problem drinker and been a member for XXX Months/years whatever. I get a lot of help there"

From my experience you get quizzed about it a bit, but most people just aren't that interested either way. Most people give way TMI when asked about their membership when a few short sentences generally suffices for an explanation for 99% of people. People who are more interested than that are usually interested for the sake of being able to help someone else close to them who is struggling.

Soberween

If it were me, I would just tell her. It is a part of who you are and I have a sneaking suspicion that she is pretty crazy about you if she just hugged you out of nowhere after the movies. I know when I first started dating my husband back in the day, he could have probably just about told me anything about himself (less any type of felon background) and I would have stood by his side no matter what.

Oh that and you didn't really answer the question as to whether she has ever ordered a drink in front of you. I'm curious about the answer to that question.

TimeInABottle

Good for you Theo.....good for you. Sometimes what seems to be a mole hill to some is a mountain for others.

I say, the next time you two have a quite few minutes (or more) alone. Let her know that there is something you want to talk to her about (make it real clear that its not about marriage or you'll have a whole nether problem on your hands!!!!). Once she agrees to the conversation, sit down with her (I would skip the "higher power" thing, but thats just me) and start the conversation. It does not need to be long and drug out.....unless SHE wants it to be. If she wants to ask questions, she will. She may be very happy in just knowing that you realized you had a problem, took care of it, and are still taking care of it.

sometimes too much info is TOO MUCH INFO, sometimes not ENOUGH info is just not enough. If its not, is he don't understand, she will ask. Let her take the lead at this point.

I highly doubt that she is goning to stand up, spit in your face and leave. You have been together 6 mo for you two. You have grown close to her, and she you.

I think you are going to be ok. Also, let me just say, unlike another in this thread, I understand your concerns and fears. They are valid ones.

You'll be ok, she'll be ok......just go into it believing it.

THEOjibway

lol no she never orders a drink in front of me. We were asked once for a beer when their tall boys were on special for 4 dollars at Boston Pizza and we looked at each other and ordered pop lol. We also went to a place and she looked at the alcoholic drinks out of curiousity and I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was just wondering what they had at the place but never ordered a drink. She knows that I'm not interested in drinking.

laurie6781

I know and understand that this has been troubling you for some
time now, and I suspect some of it is an underlying 'fear' you may
have of her response.

So, how about you take a nice 8 1/2 x 11 blank sheet of paper.
Draw a line down the middle of the paper the long way. On one
side at the top write PRO and on the other side write CON. Then
instead of this 'rattling' around in your head, put it on the paper
in black on white.

What you think the the "PROS" are for telling her, and what you
think the "CONS" are for telling her. This may take you a few days,
but once you get it 'out of your head' and onto a piece of paper,
you will be able to come to a decision. You will see what the under-
lying 'fear' has been and will probably be able to sit down and tell
her without any further stress.

Just an exercise that can help you with many decisions in the future
not just this one.

Hope that helps.

Love and hugs,

TopherD

This is a great topic and I think, from my own experience and talking to others about similar dilemmas,, that a lot of folks have encountered.

A few things come to mind that have helped me. First, this girl is into you for you. The you that you've become, not the one you once were. So while you're understandably cognizant of the old you, your insides are not on the outside for everyone to see. She didnt know you then. Shes come to know and love the person you are. So by not saying boo about it, you aren't withholding anything, however depending on your social comfort level out there with the earthlings, a few awkward or uncomfortable situations could come up like a wedding or party that you attend with her. For me, I want my girl in my corner if I partake in something like that. If I leave early, am on the phone outside, drive separate, ect, she at least has context as to why even if she'll never fully understand.

Regardless of how you come to peace with this, whether its by telling her, prayer and meditation, what have you, there is a chance that until you are at peace with it, you'll be distracted and not giving all the energy you could be into not only your relationship but your primary purpose.

BTW, awesome to hear people on here admit they don't have all the answers when it comes to "outside issues" like relationships. We are not saints, so true. But equally important...we are not experts in anything but our own experiences.

THEOjibway

thanks Laurie and Topher. I like what you had to say and Laurie? I'm going to try this method out. I think it's time to really see whats going on in my ole head. Sadly we won't be seeing each other until our 6th month anniversary of dating a week today. She was called in to work last minute and I said "Well I can come get you after your shift" but didn't realize shes working till 10pm closing time. I will try the pro and cons thing. But still... if I write the cons down isn't it still what I fear will happen and not the thing that might happen? I'll try it though no doubt thanks. I'm still sure she'll like the fact that Im being honest with her and such and not hiding things from her. lol

oh2exhale

Hi Theo, great topic! I was wondering about approaching the topic about allergies. Also, the suggestion of sharing what you were like, what happened and what you are like now. Sounds like you care about her, she may like it if you invite her to an open meeting so she can see how it works. Hope it all works out!